Sorry... I just need to vent

[BatteredByLove]

I'm going to go through all of my relationship with my ex, breakups and everything. My ex and I dated for about a year and a month, we broke up on 3-21-06, after the breakup she has said very means and degrading things to me, i'll use T as my intial, she would say, word for word, "T you disgust me", "T don't you know when you're not wanted", "T you're pathetic", now this happened around the beginning of May. After she said those hurtful words, I went NC for about a week, ignored her, avoided her, did everything. After a week... she says "I'm not mad at you anymore", I at first didn't say anything then she asked for me to talk to her, well, we talked, and everything got normal again.... When school ended, I called her every night, this was like the end of May, and we still talk, flirt, that type of stuff. Out of those conversations she did say that I was "perfect" for her, just that we fight a lot... Well we talked some more and a few days later, I don't know what got over me, I blew, all those buildup of emotions from the hurtful things she said to me, from us being broken up, from her saying I was "perfect" for her, and yet we weren't together... I blew. I told her that I hated her for being so stubborn and not knowing what she wants. She told me to not call her and everything will be okay, well I told her that I was going to call her, but I'm trying not to, and that It will lessen over time, she then tells me to not call her. I know at this time I sound very annoying and very pathetic, but, I said that. And then she goes away. Well with that said and done, I of course called her 9393993x that night, she never picked up, called her the next day.... day after next... once or twice.... that happened for a week. The second week I called her once.... and then I went into NC. Then a month later... I showed up at her house... I have no idea why... I just did, my friend got her out by saying some stupid name to get her out... god she was gullible, anyway she came out... saw me... looked really pissed... then went back in... I knew I did something really stupid... that was impulse driving me... back to NC . Then July 4th came around with her sending me an email "Be careful on July 4th, don't do anything stupid", I was thinking... she still cares about me, or I was overanalyzing, which is which. Well I waited 5 days to reply, she replied immediately, and we just had short emails, one or two sentences, and then it develops to paragraphs, until I thought it was okay to call her... Well I called her after like 2 weeks of emails like that but when she picked up she said "I'm sorry, I can't do this, it's too soon.", so here I go thinking ??? Well with that she hung up and I went and wrote an email... a very long one.

 

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"I just have this question that's been going in my mind for the past few weeks, since we started "communicating." Why did you contact me? I don't know what's going on and the weeks that we didnt talk, I stopped calling you, until that one crazy day... "Michael Keith"... god Spike made a crazy name. I guess it was exactly 1 month of not talking to you, and I missed you. When you contacted me, you didnt corner me, I was already cornered. I haven't moved on with you, but I did pick myself up and continued to live, life moves on. Sorry to interrupt that phone call with your friend, yea, not a good time, heh. I'm not going to lie to you and say that I have no whatsoever feelings for you, because I still do. I'm also not going to lie to you that I didn't want to hear from you, because I did. The past summer weeks that went through, I thought about "us", our relationship, what we had. I guess you contacting me was so that we can try to be friends, and believe me, I so want to be your friend, I so want to be there for you when you need me, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to sympathize with your troubles and needs. I can't say that I didnt learn anything from "us", but I did grow up, I grew up in all aspects of my life really, I'm currently pounding myself with 4 community college classes + work. Morning=school, afternoonfiltered=work, night=school, my day starts at 7:30AM and ends at 10PM, no in betweens. Being apart from you actually sat me down and realized how much of a total bum I was, how I was just letting the time drift away and regret it. Time truly is indeed money. I'm not gonna say that I'm still the same T that you once fell for, or that I'm the same T of about two months ago, because I'm not. I might still be the same T that you ONCE fell for, but even I don't know that. I've stopped cussing, FYI, it's degrading to myself and people look down on people that suggests even a hint of vulgarity everytime they open their mouth. I don't know why I called you tonight, I guess that is a question that I have to ponder for the rest of the evening. I guessed I was gonna be at this path of the road whether you contacted me or not, "Two Roads Diverged in a Yellow Wood", by Robert Frost, that's a good example to where I'm at. I'm not confused, just indecisive, because P, I'm scared, scared of a lot of things. That two road, one road leads down to trying to reconcile with you, the other, a life without you. Believe me, the latter isn't that great. I want to be a part of your life, as a friend, or as anything, but right now I'm scared. If I walk down the "friend" route, I know that I would be there for you, but somehow I'm scared that I'll get my heart broken when you date someone else, I don't know if you're dating anyone right now, and I don't think I want to know. Last time I checked your myspace or blog was a few weeks back, where the "RIAN"(***this character was based on me***) book character was discussed, other then that I havent been there since, I don't plan to. Yet, I'm leaning towards that road, because whatever happens, happens, you are your own self, and all that I can do is be myself, if we're going out or not, you choose who you go out with, you choose what you do, and all I can do is be there for you when you need me. I'm not going to use the "L" word because now even I'm confused with it, if I did "L" you, why did I make so many mistakes? Why was I insecure? I was insecure, but I did trust you, I don't know if you can understand that or not, but it's true. I do know that I care about you with all my heart, it took me a while to get the "respect" thing fully in. If I did respect you then I wont call you, respect your decisions, well I did the 1st week, but after that, I stopped, it took a while to dig in, but it did. Respect can be looked at a lot of angles, if someone did respect them, they'd leave them alone, I didn't do that when you wanted your space when we first broke up, I'm sorry. I guess all is said and done, and if you were wondering what was going through my hollow head, most of it is here. Now you know how I feel, I hope that this rainbow will come out already, this rain is sure raining a long time. Boyfriend or no boyfriend, I'll be there for you no matter what, and as for the friend part, believe me I SO WANT to be your friend, I just need time to let my head think straight, and I know that this is selfish of me, but let my heart fully understand the meaing of "L"; you don't have to "L" someone to be with them, as long as you're safe and sound and happy, that's all that matters, and I guess right now, you are, so in return I am happy."

 

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Well after that email she then replies with her asking me not to expect so much from her... which I think was like eh? I didnt say anything about expectin anything from her. And then she goes "And I am dating someone. I don't think you care for details so I won't give you any." AFTER I ASKED HER NOT TO TELL ME.... well I replied by saying that "I dont' expect anything from you. As for the friend part, all I said was that I'd be there for you if you ever needed me. It's good that you have a boyfriend now, you're only 16(***she's 16 im 17***), you got a whole life ahead of you, same goes for me. I wish ya'll the best of luck."

 

Fast forward a month and now school has started.... her bf goes to my school for 1st and 5th period.... only in the morning everyday.... and I have to see them together, I try to avoid them as much as possible. When I talk with OUR friends, she comes up and I walk away... I've been trying to do NC, totally ignoring her, everything... and now here I am just venting... I don't know who would read this, I guess all I want to hear is "GOD YOU'RE A STUPID SOB FOR BEING TREATED LIKE THAT FROM YOUR EX AND STILL LOVING HER".... sorry... just needed to vent.

 

-BBL

[Guest]

Congratulations on getting through a major heartbreak and finding the value in the experience. We have all bee through it - afterwards - when you think back - you say to yourself - what was I thinking? You get crazy - everyone does ... then you find better - and you are better !