Am I being unfair? (Holding off on sex)

[Green]

You should use the show sex in the city as your compass to guide you through the dating world

[westernxer]

A pregnancy scare is enough for most guys to call it quits, especially if they don't want to be a father.

 

The hell with being a gentleman... Guy #1 is just happy to walk away with a full paycheck.

 

Birth control, baby! Use it.

[jujube]

Thanks for the feedback. (And for the interesting discussion about guy #1... LOL.)

 

Regarding the pill: I'd feel safer if I could be using both BCP's and condoms, but unfortunately, it's not an option right now. I tried various brands of oral contraceptives while I was with my ex, and had severe side effects from all of them--migraines that kept me bedridden for days, extreme depression (to the point of being suicidal), and no sex drive. I may experiment again in the future, to see if I can find one I don't react to... but for now it's just too much of a hassle. My body seems to rebel against anything in pill form. (I can't even take painkillers.)

 

And as for guy #1, looking back on it, I think he was being polite but not genuinely supportive. I told him about my no-sex decision on the third date when he invited me back to his place, since I assumed he was expecting some action. He was like, "Okay, yeah, that makes sense, that's a responsible decision"... I actually thought he sounded TOO agreeable. Maybe he just didn't want to bother arguing because he figured he was done with me at that point

 

Thanks again for the comments, it really helps to see other perspectives.

[Angel291]

A man should always treat a woman with the utmost respect. I love being a woman...I think it is wonderful. We get to cry and never be emberassed about it, love flowers and nature and sappy romantic songs and no one makes fun of us for it, have long hair and wear evening gowns...we get to experience childbirth and I think we even are better able to understand the beauty of a sexual relationship because we are better able to understand the uniting power of love. Being a woman is great! (Sadly, our culture rejects alot of these beautiful things which is part of the problem. They are seen as weakness and unwanted.)

 

Ok, with that tangent aside, remember this: MOST MEN IN TODAYS WORLD DO NOT GET ANYTHING THAT I JUST SAID. Men are the opposite of women - that is why they need us, so we can teach them about these wonderful things (and so that they can have someone to cry in front of who wont laugh at them!)

 

I have never had a problem with any man that I have dated as a boyfriend insisting I sleep with him. I have had men that have tried, lots of them, but when I said no they respected it. If they would have given me some crap about how sex is so important, I would have said, "well, there are billions of other women out there in the world who will jump into bed with you. Go get one!"

 

A good man is a rarity and really hard to find. But in the end, I want a man to treat me how I should be treated...with the utmost respect! And insisting that sex is integral if someone is not in a marriage is rediculous because the only time it is a must is in a marriage! The sad thing is that the women who jump into bed really fast have given men the idea that all women should be like that...and have helped men to forget the beauty and dignity of a woman. Women have been reduced to hip grinding, short skirt wearing, breast implant touting sex objects by our culture and our media. I have discovered in life that the type of man who thinks like me can only be found in certain places and certain circles.

 

Women need to reteach men (ok, I am going to make a lot of men mad! Oh well. Maybe some women to.) about the dignity and beauty of the feminine. Men need reeducated about the fact that a woman who respects her body and does not want to give it to every man she dates is a good woman! I think sex is amazingly beautiful and wonderful, but I would only want to give that to a man who I knew loved me for me and who loved me enough to wait for me. Besides, sex as sex is really a pathetic excuse for the experience of making love...the unitive power is amazingly transforming and spiritually rewarding and just so darn powerful and dynamic...why on earth would you want to experience that with every man you date? Seems it would loose its value and become...just sex. Men just need to learn that!

 

So, if a guy gives you a hard time, try to re-educate him...if he won't listen, then say "well, that shows me a lot about his character and I am glad I know now and not later!" and move on..and on...and on...until you find that rare man who is a REAL MAN.

[electric_sheep]

I think it's entirely fair to hold off on sex. Sex is a very personal thing, no one can tell you how to think about it or view it. My girlfriend made me wait a couple of months before we started having sex, and I had no problem with that at all.

 

The problem is in todays world you may have a hard time finding a guy that views things the same way as you. It's not a matter of being right or wrong, it may simply be difficult finding a guy who is willing to hold off on sex for so long.

 

Also, I'm not sure what to think of your reasoning for wanting to wait. I mean, it seems a little drastic to me. Perhaps I am just wreckless, because my girlfriend and I definitely don't want a baby, yet we have sex anyway. We just consider the risk to be minimal and worth it.

 

Honestly, I think I'd have an easier time accepting a celibate relationship if it had something to do with values and ethics, because I like people who are willing to take risks, and I think I'd view your stance as over cautious. Of course, that is probably easier to say because I am a guy.

[electric_sheep]

BTW, considering your view about sex seems to be entirely founded in practicality, has it occurred to you/them that there are plenty of sexual things you can engage in that have no possibility of leading to pregnancy.

 

When cast in that light, waiting for so long may not seem so bad after all !

 

[tanbark813]

...I think we even are better able to understand the beauty of a sexual relationship because we are better able to understand the uniting power of love.

 

...

 

Men are the opposite of women - that is why they need us, so we can teach them about these wonderful things

 

 

Oh man, that was the funniest post I've read in a long time, especially the quoted parts. Thanks for the laugh.

[Angel291]

Ok, with that tangent aside, remember this: MOST MEN IN TODAYS WORLD DO NOT GET ANYTHING THAT I JUST SAID.

 

Just watch the replies I will get to my post.

[johan]

If I liked you and was attracted to you (I'm talking to the original poster here, not you, Mr. San Francisco.) I'd respect your assertion that you could be with me in a serious relationship without having sex. Then I'd force you to stick to it until you couldn't stand it anymore. After a month you'd be dying for it, and I'd make you wait another month just to show you who is boss. Oops, I mean just to respect your wishes.

 

No sex... Whatever! You've already had it. If you really liked the guy, if you really had faith in him, you'd go for it.

 

Rules were meant to be broken. So was willpower.

[Hitman10000]

Well, I probably wouldn't mind if you know how to give great blowjobs.

[Sally00]

There is NOTHING WRONG about waiting to have sex.

Those guys are absolutely stupid for thinking it's unfair.

In fact, sex just complicates everything.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months and we haven't had sex (I plan on waiting till marriage). And we are PERFECTLY HAPPY.

 

I know a couple who were together for a year and they didn't even KISS.

They were married after that year of being together (I think because they couldn't stand withholding intimacy LOL... they are quite young for marriage).

 

I'm sorry but those guys you asked about if it was unfair to not have sex, they sound like animals to me.

 

You deserve a guy who RESPECTS you.

Don't worry... he'll come when you least expect it.

[britchick]

I would have real problems sticking to the no sex thing. Most adults would consider sex a normal part of an intimate relationship (aside from religious views).

Holding back in case of pregnancy is something I've never heard of before, as another poster says - there are other things you can do aside from full intercourse and there are loads of different methods of birth control. Is fear of pregnancy the real reason you don't want to have sex?

BTW I wouldn't start a relationship with a man who told me there wasn't going to be any sex.

[lovelorcet]

There is NOTHING WRONG about waiting to have sex.

Those guys are absolutely stupid for thinking it's unfair.

In fact, sex just complicates everything.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months and we haven't had sex (I plan on waiting till marriage). And we are PERFECTLY HAPPY.

 

I know a couple who were together for a year and they didn't even KISS.

They were married after that year of being together (I think because they couldn't stand withholding intimacy LOL... they are quite young for marriage).

 

I'm sorry but those guys you asked about if it was unfair to not have sex, they sound like animals to me.

 

You deserve a guy who RESPECTS you.

Don't worry... he'll come when you least expect it.

 

 

In principle and especially for younger people it is perfectly ok to hold out on sex or by having an experience like the OP described but practically speaking this type of behavior is can often be a little dangerous. I am sorry but sexual compatibility in a relationship is extremely important and you don’t know unless you have been with that person and truly experienced them. It takes time and experience to first learn who you are sexually and what your needs are.

 

After you have been with someone for about 5-10 years and have never experienced anything other than that person my point will take on a completely different meaning for you.

 

 

And just because a guy knows that for him sex is an important part of a relationship does not make him an animal, grow up a little please…

[AwkwardMan]

I'm pulling a guy #1 if I get into this situation. I would be pulling a guy #2 and guy #3 in my head though. You're going to have to realize that this will be a roadblock to probably most of your relationships. Maybe you can find a religious or low sex drive guy, or someone really infatuated with you, but most guys aren't going to stick around once you come out with it.

[michelangelo]

Different ansers for teens, 20s and older.

 

under no situation is anyone being forced to do anything.

 

Religious-based celibacy is a factor too.

 

But beyond that? What's the big deal in holding out?

[Touche]

Yes, what IS the big deal?

 

I'm astounded by some of the responses on here..from the down right ignorant to the out and out hostile and cruel.

 

Wow, this has been a REAL eye-opener.

[tanbark813]

Holding out isn't a big deal. Nor is wanting to be sexually active.

[Touche]

Holding out isn't a big deal. Nor is wanting to be sexually active.

 

I completely agree with this. But that wasn't the issue.

[nicki]

Hey, I respect your decision, and I understand why.

 

However, you need to equally respect a guy's decision NOT to be celibate. That's his choice. It doesn't make him a bad guy. Stop jumping all over guys who want to have sex.

 

If a guy told me he wanted to be celibate, then I would respectfully decline a relationship with him.

 

I'd be willing to wait several months, but not indefinitely or until marriage.

 

By the way, i only had one guy tell me he wanted to be celibate until marriage....and he always had a HUGE boner around me. Talk about torture!

 

I was pretty certain I could have changed his mind if I had wanted to.

 

If I were you, I'd go for a religious guys. They seem to be the ones who wait until marriage. It's a values thing for them, which I deeply respect, but am unable to accommodate.

 

I'm just a very horny woman. It's a curse.

[john1776]

Oh sure when a woman wants to hold off on sex it's somehow ok but when a guy wants to hold off it's not ok. He's either looked at as a player or gay or has a medical problem.

 

I discussed in one of my threads how I don't want to have sex because I fear getting my girlfriend pregnant and the majority of posters were not supportive of my decision. They tried to talk me out of it by saying I should use condoms.

 

Well I want 0% risk of getting her pregnant and abstinence is the only way. Family life education does not stress abstenience anymore for high school students. It is just as hard to find a woman who would be ok with a sexless relationship as it would be to find a man. I despise the majority of men I come in contact with both in real life and on these boards.

 

Well I am one of those guys who is willing to wait as long as you want to have sex. If you are interested then PM me. I've gone 4 years without sexual intercourse and I can just as easily go another 4 years without it. Why not? Why should I re-start things now?

[john1776]

I'm actually turned off by women who place a high value on sex in a relationship. Do you know what that tells me? That tells me she would be more in love with the act of sex than with me the person if she could walk away from me that easily over something like that. If that is the case then the relationship is based on a lie and her dumping me would just do me a favor whether she realizes it or not.

 

Her dumping me would do me a favor in the sense of breaking me out of the delusion she has kept me in all these years. The dumpers usually lose out more so than the dumpees in most break ups anyway. If you love someone enough to want to have sex with them then you should love them enough to sacrifice your desires if they don't want to have sex.

 

Women might believe they are doing me a disservice by dumping me over trivial matters such as lack of sex but it's only a matter of time before I see the break up as a blessing in disguise. Then I'm free to find someone who is more in love with me the person than loving what they can get from me.

 

The problem with the majority of americans is that they don't know what love is anymore. They enter a relationship for what they can get from the other person not because they want to give something to that other person. It's mostly lust and not love. I thought love was suppose to be sacrifical. America is the most self centered society on the face of this earth today!

[lovelorcet]

Well I am one of those guys who is willing to wait as long as you want to have sex. If you are interested then PM me. I've gone 4 years without sexual intercourse and I can just as easily go another 4 years without it. Why not? Why should I re-start things now?

 

 

Dude... Did you just turn a "no sex" thread into a pick-up bar???

[nicki]

Hey, John, I understand what you are saying.

 

It's not the sex, though, it's the intimacy in a relationship that I would miss.

 

I've been abstinent before, one time for several years. It's no big deal to me.

 

But once I'm in a relationship with someone I really love, I feel passion and crave physical intimacy. It has to be a connection of mind, body and heart for me. It's like a creation, expression of shared energy.

 

If I'm not in a relationship, then I can go without sex indefinitely....so, it's tied to the person and relationship I desire, not the act itself.

 

Saying that, I still respect your decision and understand your reasons.

[brightskies]

I'm at a point in my life where I could definitely NOT handle a pregnancy or raise a child. There is too much going on with my education and career, and I'm just not financially stable.

 

So, after much thinking, I've decided not to have sex again until I can handle an accidental pregnancy. I don't mean wait until marriage; just until I'm done with school, have a steady job, and could raise a child in a good environment.

 

Then I started asking my male friends about this. The vast majority agreed that it isn't fair to be in a relationship and deny the other person sex--at least when there aren't religious issues involved. Though condoms aren't foolproof, the chance of pregnancy while using them is still very small. And since I've already had sex, it's not like I'm a virgin waiting until marriage.

 

What do you guys (and gals) think? Am I being unfair in waiting for sex until I could successfully raise a child? Should I just not get involved with anyone for the time being, until I feel ready for the responsibilites of sex again?

 

For one thing, even with birth control and condoms, there's still the possibility of an accidental pregnancy. Bottom line is, even if the pregnancy is an accident, you shouldn't feel that you need to push through with it if you aren't ready or aren't financially stable. This may be controversial, but abortion IS an option. Although who knows for how long it'll be available in this political climate? IMO, better not to raise a child at all than to raise it in a poor environment.

 

Secondly, don't let anyone pressure you into sex. Even if you've had it before. It's your option not to continue. As long as you're honest with your potential partners you'll be fine. Just be prepared to weed out a lot of people who won't want a relationship without the sex. You can do without the sex if you've got affection and intimacy, but try explain that to them.

 

There ARE men out there who will be willing to do this with you AND not seek out sex elsewhere --- but they're quite rare. I got very lucky with mine. Is it difficult? Yes. But we're making it work. I think if you're willing to hold out for what your really want and you stand by your choices, things will work out well for you. But you'll have to be patient.

[john1776]

For one thing, even with birth control and condoms, there's still the possibility of an accidental pregnancy. Bottom line is, even if the pregnancy is an accident, you shouldn't feel that you need to push through with it if you aren't ready or aren't financially stable. This may be controversial, but abortion IS an option. Although who knows for how long it'll be available in this political climate? IMO, better not to raise a child at all than to raise it in a poor environment.

 

Secondly, don't let anyone pressure you into sex. Even if you've had it before. It's your option not to continue. As long as you're honest with your potential partners you'll be fine. Just be prepared to weed out a lot of people who won't want a relationship without the sex. You can do without the sex if you've got affection and intimacy, but try explain that to them.

 

There ARE men out there who will be willing to do this with you AND not seek out sex elsewhere --- but they're quite rare. I got very lucky with mine. Is it difficult? Yes. But we're making it work. I think if you're willing to hold out for what your really want and you stand by your choices, things will work out well for you. But you'll have to be patient.

 

 

Those men are not as rare as you think. She can always go for the religious type of men who don't believe in sex outside of marriage. I'm not a religious man myself therefore I'm abstaining for other reasons as I've stated before. For me the risks of having a 20 year project of taking care of children far outweigh the immediate intense fleshly gratification that I would be getting from 1 night of sex.

 

She can find other men out there who are thinking about the future reprecussions of having the kind of sex that can get a woman pregnant. To me a real mature man does not think about immediate gratification and does not ignore the reprecussions that he may have to pay for at least the next 20 years.

 

For some women abortion is NOT an option for them because they don't want to have to pay for it with guilt down the road. I can't tell you the number of women who live with guilt for a long time after having an abortion. The guilt is real and torments them.