I hope im wrong but...

[Diver012]

I think the Ex is up to something. I took Friday off after learning of my Cousins Death. She left a voicemail at work saying she wanted me to call her back. She did not say what she wanted

 

I called her back Monday morning and left her a voicemail...

 

She left another voicemail with me saying she would just call me back.. She still did not tell me what she wanted. (Phone Tag at its finest)

 

I cant ignore the calls cause she is a co-worker and I have to respond. If it were about work I imagine she would have told me why she was calling in the first place.

 

I hope im reading more into this but it doesnt feel that way...

[SoCalCatman72]

Hmm, I don't know if your ex was close to your cousin, or even knew them, but oftentimes the death of someone you know, or even someone you don't know (9/11 was a good example) starts making some people think about their own mortality and how they have lived their lives.

 

I think she wants to talk about something that's not work related.

[Diver012]

Hmm, I don't know if your ex was close to your cousin, or even knew them, but oftentimes the death of someone you know, or even someone you don't know (9/11 was a good example) starts making some people think about their own mortality and how they have lived their lives.

 

I think she wants to talk about something that's not work related.

 

My cousin and Ex never met. She may be offering her condolences I suppose... The way things have been going lately, she calling to tell me shes getting married....

[bendit]

You're in a pickle. I am not really sure about your commitment to NC. That's your decision, and many people can't or simply refuse to do it. They don't "need" it. Be that as it may, you broke NC right here; and there may be ramifications. Yes, it "may" be work related but more likely its a contact from her designed to keep you hooked and to suck you into her drama vortex. If it was truly about work she would have left the message with detail, that is if she is at all professional.

 

This sounds like trouble. If it were me, I would make it clear that there is one reason and one reason only for her to contact you and that is about work. Second, work related contact Must be done through email. No exceptions.

 

You have to really decide are you an NC person or an LC person (limited contact). If you are NC then take the steps I describe above and get back to NC right away. If you are LC, I fear that you getting through this is going to be a lot tougher than it otherwise would be. Good luck. But I suspect a can of worms has been opened.

 

regards

[Diver012]

I am a strict NC person. Working together up to this point hasnt been TO much of a problem. There has been a few times I have had to go into hre area to work on a few things. Other than that I havent heard from her or seen her in months. I started scratching me head about a week or more ago when she called me asking me a question about a work related subject. It has usually been done through email as you sudgest or she contacts one of my assistants.

 

Im not sure what this is leading up to, but something is brewing. I cant ignore the calls because it is my work phone, I am required to respond, and be professional.

 

I would like to hope that she just has a silly question or something, but I dont think thats whats going on. I hope im wrong.

[Mollyanna]

not knowing would drive me nuts, so instead of calling her back next time, I would email her and ask her to tell you in the email what it is that she needs from you. you can phrase it nice like, "since we are both too busy to connect on the phone... "

[Diver012]

Im simply not going to respond. She told me she would call back, if she doesnt, cool. If she does, and its just work, then stupid me for making more out of it. I honetly hope thats the case.

 

If she calls back and its personal, Im gonna hold her feet to the fire because right after we broke up, I asked her for closure, and all I got in response was, its not appropriate to discuss at work. Well, were were in the parking lot and nobody was around but hey, 2 can play that game.

[bendit]

Diver, I've been where you are. In a sense, you've been "waiting" for this moment. If its personal, which it may well be, you are "going to hold her feet to the fire". You want to get some answers.

 

If you are lucky, it will blow over without any more contact. But I doubt it will "blow over" now that the door is ajar.

 

I reread some of your first posts, and back then, you wanted nothing to do with her. Time rearranges our memory, however, and we forget why we sought out the "coping" forum in the first place.

 

You want closure. So on some level you're relishing this opportunity to break NC to see if you can get some satisfaction.

 

I know you will disagree with me here and say its not about that at all, that you have to have contact with her because of work. Buts that's almost entirely a rationalization.

 

Diver this is just text book stuff. I've seen it over and over. My guess is that you two Are going to end up having a "conversation" and it will be the contact you thought you were going to be able to avoid. I don't expect it will be helpful contact and it may indeed serve to drag you back into the muck. I hope it doesn't.

 

It is not the end of the world to have contact. You will survive it and maybe even enjoy an ego boost for a while. I hope that this is just a tiny bump in the road for you and that it will be smooth sailing from this point on.

 

We want so much to get closure and to hear them say they miss us, and that we meant something to them. We want to know why they did what they did. So we Accept contact when the opportunity arises. And it almost always does.

 

Contact ends up not satisfying us at all, and often raises more questions than it answers. Contact usually just opens up old wounds, wounds that were slowly healing.

 

NC is what works and renewed contact doesn't. The evidence is "all over" the coping forum. I hope you come out of this unscathed; but my sense is this may be a "lesson", perhaps one you need to learn firsthand.

 

no contact = no new hurts.

 

regards

[AriaIncognito]

Bendit,

 

For the most part, I agree with your post, however i have one bone of contention...

 

no contact = no new hurts

 

I'm not sure if i agree with that. We can conjure up sh*t in our own minds that can hurt ourselves just as easily as contact would. Maybe this wouldn't count as "new" hurt, by your definition, I'm not sure, but I think it's something to be taken into consideration. NC doesn't equate to no new hurt, at least, I know I've been able to conjure up new sh*t all the time on my own, without invention from exes LOL

 

Jennifer

[Mollyanna]

Bendit,

 

For the most part, I agree with your post, however i have one bone of contention...

 

no contact = no new hurts

 

I'm not sure if i agree with that. We can conjure up sh*t in our own minds that can hurt ourselves just as easily as contact would. Maybe this wouldn't count as "new" hurt, by your definition, I'm not sure, but I think it's something to be taken into consideration. NC doesn't equate to no new hurt, at least, I know I've been able to conjure up new sh*t all the time on my own, without invention from exes LOL

 

Jennifer

 

Ditto. I am very very talented at approaching every angle of every movement and spoken word and finding 100 different ways of interpreting it. In the past I have convinced myself that I now know EXACTLY what happened and have been so sure of it, to approach the ex with it and they laugh and say, "Where the hell did you come up with that one?"

 

Anyone I have dated, i now warn them about this personality trait of mine and say it will cause much less anguish if they just spell it out exactly what happened. Sometimes, guys actually listen. And the arguments have been shorter and I got over them quicker.

[bendit]

Bendit,

 

For the most part, I agree with your post, however i have one bone of contention...

 

no contact = no new hurts

 

I'm not sure if i agree with that.

 

Jennifer

 

Jennifer, this is an old piece of advice I got from another board. Its tried and true and well tested. When I use it, its usually in response to folks who are trying to come to terms with dysfunctional, toxic, and dependent Xs and shattered relationships.

 

The fact is that if someone is here coping on the forums, that you were likely in a kind of toxic relationship that involved dependency. I am talking about not contacting people that are capable of doing things and saying things that can do damage to you.

 

Yes the mind will conjure up a lot of stuff and we can still feel pain when we are in NC. But that pain diminishes with each passing day of NC. Breaks of NC have a way of setting us back and keeping us stuck and bring with them the potential for hurt and more pain.

 

I can assure you, having studied case after case after case of people doing both: staying NC or contacting the "toxic" X, that NC is highly highly preferred as a healing tool.

 

When we are trying to be in NC, but have had some recent contact with X, we can still equate NC with being in pain. We associate the pain to the no contact, instead of with the true source, the contact itself. Its important to understand this distinction when you are struggling with NC. There is "withdrawal" pain of NC, and some of us never go NC long enough to get past that "pain".

 

Can your own mind open up new wounds from "old" toxic relationships? Yes, but not nearly to the same degree that contact with the X can. In fact you are on to something here because all pain originates in our own minds. The problem with contact is that our minds have more "raw" pain manufacturing material when we are in contact. The mind slowly runs out of the raw material it needs to create more pain when we are OUT of contact with the toxic "stuff".

 

Once again, I refer you to these very boards for unequivocal evidence. All you have to do is read how those who choose to stay in contact with toxic X continue to suffer and prolong their own pain, and those who choose NC, slowly but surely heal as the toxins exit the body and mind.

 

I have tried it both ways. I speak from experience here and really really believe that...

 

no contact = no new hurts

 

regards

[Diver012]

I am a firm believer that we choose are reactions. I do totally agree with Bendit. I am not in a situation unfortunately where I can instute a pure NC policy however, I must act and behave like nothing ever happened. I treat our business relationship just as I would any other business relationship.

 

I do not like dwelling on the past. This one hurt bad enough as it is. Working with her makes it even worse because it creates contact I normally would not have.

 

Lesson learned. Dont ever date someone at work

and the next time someone tells me that they have a fear of commitment, I wont be around to hear her end her sentance. Buh Bye..

 

Im a strong man, Ill get over it.

[Diver012]

I dont know why this bothered me so much yesterday. I think with the stress of my cousins death, work, & my Ex I just reacted funny. I dont know what she wanted but it obviously wasnt that important cause she never called back.

 

Why was I making such a big deal out of it...

[Mollyanna]

Lesson learned. Dont ever date someone at work

and the next time someone tells me that they have a fear of commitment, I wont be around to hear her end her sentance. Buh Bye..

 

Oh I hope I have learned those lessons too. I had to leave my department after an affair gone wrong. We were at each other's throats for a while and even after we made up, it was very awkward to have to work together. Especially after he started dating another co-worker.

 

the last 2 guys have told me that had fear of commitment, why don't we listen??

[bendit]

Oh yeah but there is a bigger issue here. And that is what she did was immature, childish, and grandstanding, controlling and unprofessional. I would expect more of this.

 

What it did was destabilise you, if only for a short time. I would actually become more vigilant and less laissez fare about what just happened.

 

Its a very subtle thing she did, and it had a purpose. It was designed to slowly break down your defenses. It works. You called her. She pulled a string and you reacted. She has filed this away. She is measuring her next move.

 

Once again, I speak from experience. Be on guard and don't tolerate childish stunts like this. Let's put it this way. If a friend or acquaintance did this, how would you feel?

 

regards

[Diver012]

Oh yeah but there is a bigger issue here. And that is what she did was immature, childish, and grandstanding, controlling and unprofessional. I would expect more of this.

 

What it did was destabilise you, if only for a short time. I would actually become more vigilant and less laissez fare about what just happened.

 

Its a very subtle thing she did, and it had a purpose. It was designed to slowly break down your defenses. It works. You called her. She pulled a string and you reacted. She has filed this away. She is measuring her next move.

 

Once again, I speak from experience. Be on guard and don't tolerate childish stunts like this. Let's put it this way. If a friend or acquaintance did this, how would you feel?

 

regards

 

Perhaps a proper response would have been to have one of my assistants call her back. That seems way to obvious though. Bottom line is its work and I have to respond. If she is using work as a shield, so she can play these games, then its further proof that I am better off.

 

I really do wish she would go away.

[Diver012]

or maybe im still bitter and I need to get over it.

[Mollyanna]

i'm too dysfunctional to help much, but I can say -

I'm sorry you are hurting, I really am. I can feel that pain in your words. Hope tomorrow is a better day