MattN Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 I reposted since I was in the wrong forum sorry I would have been married to my wife for 8yrs coming up this sept. 26 we have been together for 10 and she has just left me about 4 days ago. I am 34 and she will be 31 this October. We have a 5yr old son together and she left because she doesn't love me anymore due to lack of intimacy(we still had sex often but I could tell she wasn't completly there). Everything seem to start to change after we had our son, her job wasn't good enough so she quit and I supported her to try and go to school but that hasn't been going well. She hates the house we picked out together and it seems like everything else also, thing ring isn't good enough, the wedding reception hall wasn't good enough, the Jeep she drives etc. The main thing is the lack of intimacy for the past couple years, she says I should have noticed all these things by myself and by the time she decided to really talk to me and tell me the problems it was really too late she had apparently already stopped loving me. There isn't anyone else involved and neither of us have ever cheated. I have tried and tried to spend time with her for the last few months but she was already gone and gave me a false sense of hope that we were working on things but when really she didn't love me and has wanted to leave. Of course I have looked back on these last few years and see the lack of intimacy from her but I thought she was going through something and its hard to know things when she telling you one thing but feeling another. I realize that theres no answers anyone can give me but I guess its just hard to accept that after 10 yrs someone just gives up and acts like maybe they settled and it was all a mistake. I have already tried asking her to try therapy or a seperation and she says no to therapy because they can't tell her how she feels and nobody can control who they love and she says she doesn't want to give me hope so not to think of it as a seperation but as it being final. She also has just left everything, she got most of her clothes the last few days but other then that she has left everything else and still has keys to the house and the garage door opener. I assume to go in and out when she wants to get stuff for our son since he will have a hard time with the transition. She moved back to her parents and plans on staying there for the next 4 yrs till she finishes school or whatever. She has sent mixed signals also like if your not in love with me and are planning leaving me for awhile why would she be picking out new furniture and talking about repainting the walls etc? and I just assumed if shes so far gone and had been planning to leave me for awhile she would have got all her stuff and been done with it. Of course I could be reading too much into all this but it still seems weird. Another thing that bothers me is we got our house together and everything in it together and she just expects me to keep the house for our sons sake like I have no emotional ties to it at all and that I shouldn't have any problems covering the bills since I have been doing it while she has went to school anyway. Apparently she hasn't heard me when I told her we have been having financial problems which is why our cell phones turned off is because of non-payment. I guess I'm justing having a hard time dealing with it all and especially since there has been no closure and probably never will and I just feel betrayed and abandoned since marriage isn't always easy and it takes a lot of work and communication and I feel like things got tough and she just gave up. Part of me wants to hope that shes going through something with all the stress of school and everything and she needs some time to herself to hopefully see what she really feels but then another part of me thinks shes probably been gone too long and it will never come back. She has taken her ring off of course but hasn't given it back and also hasn't even mentioned divorce. I know women aren't obligated to give the ring back but since the diamond has been in my moms family for so long I thought she might. When she went with my mom to talk to her after this all went down she asked my mom if she wanted it back and my mom told her that if she didn't like the ring or didn't want it to give it back but that she wouldn't make the decision for her. I guess I really don't know where to go from here, I know I need to be strong for my son and I will be its just very hard. She holds alll the cards and I know shes at the point where she needs to be away from me so I am leaving her alone but being civil when I pick my son up etc but I just don't see how I can move forward until she really ends it all if even then and then I'm also confused about what to do when our anniversary comes up. I guess if we aren't together then it isn't an anniversary but my feelings for her are the same.
SoleMate Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 She does not hold all the cards. If you are a decent husband and father, then you still have cards in your hand. Please check out "marriage builders" and try Plan A to recover your wife's interest in you. f she's talking about repainting the walls, there IS hope! An when a young child is involved, you need to do your best. Be strong, be honest, be open, and follow the marriage builders plan A. It's sad that she has apparently "checked out" of the marriage without letting you know. She never said anything? I bet in hindsight, you wish you had said, "Honey, I feel like we're not really connecting the way we used to...in bed and out of bed."
Gunny376 Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 You're posting in the right fourmn ~ as a matter of fact your double posting in the same fourmn. Like Lady Jane said: So, I'm a bit uncertain as to who was responsible for the "lack of intimacy"? Are we talking emotional intimacy or sexual intimacy? If sexual, was it you or your wife who was withholding? Lots of women have problems with their husbands using porn. Was this a recurrent issue between you two? And why are you so certain that she's not cheating? Not to say that women never leave unless they're having an affair. In observation, I think women seem to be more likely than men to leave as a 'happiness choice', but still.... girls cheat too. (That one comment, "nobody can control who they love" really set my alarm off, btw. ) Is your child with you in the family home or is he with her at her mother's? Have you sought out any legal advice yet? Because if you haven't... you really should. What do you want to happen? You seem to be interested in reconcilliation. Of course, you can't make decisions for anyone but yourself... but if given the opportunity, do you REALLY want her back? I ask because sometimes, the desire to reconcile is simply a 'knee-jerk' reaction. Your description of your wife's unhappiness paints her as a perpetually pessimistic and dissatisfied person. My best advice to you on the issue of your ring is to wear it, much as Gunny has said.... until YOU decide you don't want to be married to her anymore. Be true to yourself. If you're all about being a family guy, then don't adapt your view to suit others. As far as her ring is concerned, you can always get it back as part of the settlement, and if she's not willing to wear it anymore, heck yeah.... ask for it back now. Why not? Let her know right up front that the ring has meaning to you, even if it has none to her. Be sweet though, and don't let her bait you into an argument. It's true that sometimes a woman is just DONE. There's not much a guy can do about that. A woman who's "done" might seem sad about it at times. She might even cry about what's been lost. But she doesn't change her mind. That said.... women who are "in the fog" and say they're "done" give off the very same signals. It's nearly impossible to tell one from the other until sufficient time has elapsed. A woman who's 'in the fog' will say she doesn't want to give you false hope... same as the woman who's DONE. It's confusing. Underneath it all, the woman who's 'in the fog' still loves her partner though. Most of the time, even she doesn't know it. Her love is BLOCKED by her resentments and her anger. (Sometimes, her love is blocked by her infatuation with another. ) The woman who's 'in the fog' can be reached again, once the problems are resolved. All you can do for now is to put your best foot forward. Be attractive, but not solitious. You don't want her to become complacent in the idea that you're just percolating nicely on the back burner, right? I'm going to post you Michelle Weiner Davis' list of 180's. You can check out her books for more info. Quote: Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes Your best bet is to use these in an honest way. For example, #8 says "Do not buy gifts". Well, if you FEEL like you want to buy your wife a gift for your upcoming anniversary, and the feeling is an "honest" one... go ahead and do it. This list isn't carved in stone, right? You'll want to keep your generosity in check though. Don't give more than a small token, lest your gift itself become a huge bone of contention. You might also want to add The Five Love Languages to your reading list, as well as The Sex-Starved Marriage. In order to solve the problems, you need to understand how things went wrong.
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