csb_25 Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 Hi, sorry if I make a bit o'a fool of myself on my first post. Just going through something hard, and looking for advice on, I suppose, how to cope. I was with this woman, TD, for 8 years (we are both 25, so basically we were high school sweethearts), until Feburary of this year, the end of a somewhat long breakup initiated by her. It hurt, as she was the love of my life, and she still professes to the sky to still love me just as deeply, just that she thinks there are some things I couldn't give her in life, despite how long she waited for them, and that she's broken and has no hope. I respected her wishes and moved away. Continuing to talk to her was/is extremely painful, but it is her wish, and so I aquice. Over the past month, she has been talking about getting back together, and even asked me to get time off of work to come up (a close to 1,000 mile trip) and see her, so we could talk about trying things again. So, I've got the time off, and made the travel arrangments. So when I got off my 5am to 1:30pm shift at work today, I called to let her know the arrangments had been made and it was all good. Except the first the she told me after I said hi was that she'd spent all night with a sailor (I'm a former Marine, so that has an extra bit of salt in the wound), in the only way that could mean. She said she didn't feel guilty, that it felt right, and she would be doing so again tonight....and that she still expects me to come up and see her. I've been dumped, king of taken back, and then blantantly cheated on, openly so, and told that it would happen again, and I was still expected to come see her. My heartfelt beliefs in love, hope, and compassion have, with a single action, been shattered into so many pieces that I believe them beyond repair. I had a few relationships before her, but she is...was, I thought, the love of my life. I've never know such gut hurt and despair like this, at least, I haven't thus far in my life. How does one cope with such a thing, without going mad? Am I hurting more then I should be, over reacting, or is this just the tip of the cold iceburg?
KittenMoon Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 I've never know such gut hurt and despair like this, at least, I haven't thus far in my life. How does one cope with such a thing, without going mad? Am I hurting more then I should be, over reacting, or is this just the tip of the cold iceburg? Chances are you're going to over-react, under-react, and go up and down so much emotionally you're going to feel like a total psycho. I'm really sorry you had to get such a cold result to such a long relationship... but take a look around this site, there are many others who've gone through exactly what you have. (My own story is not too far off) When someone you've been so close with for so long does what your ex has done, they have essentially devalued you in their minds- you should try to do the same. I was just having a discussion with a friend yesterday where we spoke about the fact that sometimes you have to really try to get angry at an ex and badmouth them a little (not publically, just in your own head or to a close discreet friend) in order to distance yourself from them emotionally. Do this not to create hate and anger for them, but to turn them into just any old person. Take them off the pedestal as many LSers might say. Also, 8 years is a long time, so don't be surprised if it hurts for a long, long time before you start to feel better. Six months after a more than 6yr relationship ended, it's only in the past 3-4 weeks I really feel like the tides are beginning to turn. Keep posting. It helps get it all out.
bluechocolate Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 She said she didn't feel guilty, that it felt right, and she would be doing so again tonight....and that she still expects me to come up and see her. These are not the actions or the words of a woman who is serious about wanting to get back together, at least for the foreseeable future. If she's lying then she is playing some kind of head-fv(k game with you. I hope you've canceled that trip. My heartfelt beliefs in love, hope, and compassion have, with a single action, been shattered into so many pieces that I believe them beyond repair. You may believe that now but it's not true.
Author csb_25 Posted August 14, 2006 Author Posted August 14, 2006 I love the gal so much, but the pain of this, its like a black hole sucking on my chest, leaving everything dark and cold, impossible to breath. I can't understand why someone would so willingly 'cause such open pain.
Diver012 Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 First, you do not need to de-value your Ex. She has already done this for you. You just need to realize that she is no longer worth your time. I wouldnt even bother at this point with any sort of contact. Be thankful you have no children with this woman. You can walk away free and clear and never have to deal with the likes of her again. Game Over Second, the trip, go somewhere by yourself. I would waste my day off to go see her. Third, it takes time to heal. The emotions you feel towards love is the minds natural reaction to pain. It will believe for a while that love doesnt exist. You will not love until you are ready to do so again. Post about it. Pour your heart out. There are a lot of people here that are listening and can offer assistance. Good Luck
riobikini Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 re: CSB_25: " She said she didn't feel guilty, that it felt right, and she would be doing so again tonight....and that she still expects me to come up and see her." She is brutally toying with you. It only stops when *you* stop it. Go 'NC', stop looking back, and begin your recovery -pain is a part of it, but it doesn't last forever. Unload all you need to here in the boards. Take care. -Rio
richardcruz Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 I love the gal so much, but the pain of this, its like a black hole sucking on my chest, leaving everything dark and cold, impossible to breath. I can't understand why someone would so willingly 'cause such open pain. I know how you feel. You most likely won't ever be able to understand how she could have acted like this towards you. I've been NC for a month and some weeks and I still don't understand how my ex, supposedly someone that truly l*ved me, said the worst things than anyone has ever told me. But I guess we can't dwell on those things. Many times I feel as if I am not the same person anymore and the old me died. I don't laugh much anymore, I don't trust anyone anymore, and the word l*ve is my least favorite word, as it is meaningless to me. I guess my point in telling you this is that many people here on LS know exactly how you feel and that you are not alone. This girl obviously doesn't care about you anymore because someone that truly did would never say those kind of things. Don't waste your time with her and definetly don't go visit her. You deserve better. Find another girl that can treat you with respect.
Author csb_25 Posted August 15, 2006 Author Posted August 15, 2006 re: She is brutally toying with you. It only stops when *you* stop it. Go 'NC', stop looking back, and begin your recovery -pain is a part of it, but it doesn't last forever. Unload all you need to here in the boards. Take care. -Rio Sound advice, no doubt. But please, tell me how I stop looking back! How do I move on from giving her 8 years of my life and love, handing over the only precious thing I have, my heart, only to have her tear it up and throw it away at all, let alone in such a manner? I want desperatly stop looking back, I really do, but the deep pain is such a constant reminder of how much I love her and wanted only to have her as my partner.
riobikini Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 re: CSB_24: " But please, tell me how I stop looking back! " CSB, I understand (to the extent of my own personal experience with breakups) where you are coming from with your statement above. Here's my answer, qualified by my experience: stop looking back in the context that you may be constantly in state of hope. Yet, there is still *some* looking back that may be *necessary* to anyone's recovery from a breakup in the sense that reviewing the facts -digesting them slowly- can help bring about crucial realizations about the relationship. *That* kind of 'looking back' (done only in doses we can handle in stages, over time) gives greater clarity to all the contents of the relationship and has the potential to allow opportunity to perceive and accept more rational opinion of it, as a whole. Not only does this kind of looking back help you to understand more about the relationship and why it may have failed, -but it also can help you 'see' (just enough of) what may have been your partner's point of view. *Time* is a major factor in recovering from emotional trauma following a breakup, -especially those having lasted long-term, and having deeply-rooted (and once reciprocated) feelings of love between romantic partners. "Getting over it" for some is a statement beyond comprehension initially. But then -if you let it- time begins to do its thing: it causes a peculiar, more comforting perspective of the relationship. Maybe one that's even sentimental, and surprisingly accepting of it. Developing the right attitude is extrememly important, too, -how you *process* the review and what you *do* with the information. And with that you *do* have a choice. You can either choose to bitterly compartmentalize emotions that have potential to emerge and negatively affect future relationships of all kinds, whether business or personal, and especially regarding members of the opposite sex, -or you can choose to work towards a more postive mindset that can produce a more *positive you*. No part of breaking up is easy when your whole heart was invested, -so it's reasonable to conclude that no part of recovery is going to be a piece of cake. But it's 'do-able', -and with a positive outcome. I personally believe that romantic love (and love in general) is life's means to 'grow' us into better humans with a more compassionate, pliable nature. I think it has the ability to create remarkable beings who only *thought* they were the best they could be, until love happened. Whether it's about two people who grew apart, a couple who dived in too quickly and rapidly burned out, or the absolute love of your life who made your toes curl and made you dream of having a family with, and who suddenly made the world stop when he/she walked away, -I firmly believe that both the good as well as the bad experience(s) with love have specific purpose in our lives. So *use* your experience with this. Learn and grow from it. And start now. Take care. -Rio Below is a handful of LS post links that may help you (as always please overlook my grammatical errors and other silly typos...Smile): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=870290&postcount=24 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=872440&postcount=23 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=875625&postcount=59
Author csb_25 Posted August 19, 2006 Author Posted August 19, 2006 Easier said then done. Maybe I'm just not ment to get over my one true love. But who should ever have to...
riobikini Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 csb_25 all throughout our lives certain people will step in who -through their mere presence, actions, and/or interactions- will bring with them the potential to influence, impact, and transfer a piece of themselves that changes us forever. Our hope is obviously that it will always be positive people who bring positive changes. I think it is what we *do* with our experiences (how we use them) that determines the presence of any benefit from them, -even if they turned out to be bad experiences (i.e. the almost-worn-out, and mostly taken-for-granted lemons-to-lemonade concept). Let our hopes remain as they are but let it be a crucial and grounding source of information for us in the realistic acknowledgment that we do not have a redeemable note of promise where other people are concerned regarding the ongoing absolute integrity of their feelings and actions towards us, -we are responsible for ourselves and our own growth. Like the matrix of a vital program that that's always up and running in the background for our ongoing future protection and reliance, it is esential that we understand our own human physical design and function, and our own personal behavior and emotions. Generally speaking, people are always in a state of some kind of change emotionally, physically, intellectually, and spiritually. When you met your girlfriend you were both at some specific stage of change, or to be more clear -growth. At whatever stage you were first introduced to anyone you were both only capable of offering the results of whatever stage of growth and understanding you had acheived up until that time. And there was this 'spark'. The interaction of two or more lives is what creates that phenomenal 'spark' we hear about. While one person may be an incredibly talented, bright individual all by himself -the real 'fireworks' only begin with the joining of the 'right' mix of chemistry of at least two people. Those chemicals originate from a purely physical source: endocrine glands. What compells them to produce is centered in the grand scheme of genetic design to function in an effort to sustain life. While that may give some underlying merit to the statement "I can't live without you", spoken by someone who is terribly consumed with an 'in love' feeling, (Smile) -our understanding of the basic reason(s) for those chemicals is pretty cut and dry. Once we've grasped the science behind them we might try to back-paddle just a little bit to retain the mysteriousness of their existance in order to keep the storybook, romantic picture of love alive. It somehow sounds and feels much better that way, -less complicated, more acceptable. It's our way of preserving a more 'innocent' conceptualization of *love*. It can also serve as a ready excuse for unhooking us from certain responsibilities, and allow us to kind of wallow a bit in the bittersweetness of love -or rather lost, or rejected love. Even that has it's own spotlight to which we're entitled -but not forever. Keeping in mind that human beings are always changing, -that includes changing balances in chemistry, too, -which directly affects the evolution and the intensity of that 'spark' I mentioned. It's sensitive -perhaps, sometimes, too much so- and causes us to react to things that are sometimes only *perceived* or imagined to be present. The 'spark' reacts to, and caters significantly to *emotions* -and as long as things are agreeable, and feel good, the spark stands a better chance at staying lit. Not having a characteristic that leans towards realism or rationality makes it generally unreliable. So what are we in control of? What are we responsible for? And how are we supposed to accomplish it once we know? We're responsible for whatever level of education it is possible for us to intellectually acheive about how we function physically, emotionally and learn as much as we can about ourselves from a personal growth standpoint. We are responsible for being in reasonable control of our actions and even our emotions. How we accomplish that is subject to what we have accummulated in knowledge (through experience, information) up until that point. That's *why* all our experiences play such an important role in things like developing maturity, better coping skills, greater ability to understand, rationalize, and reason. And that's *why* -when love hurts- it becomes a tool placed in our hands meant for shaping us, -and *we* get to decide what we want to become. Thus, our next stage of development: a positive, or a negative. CSB, I will stop here. I never actually meant for my post to become this lengthy (I realize it is a discussion forum, not a preaching platform) but all this was an effort to help you in specific ways in getting through your heartache. Perhaps, put in simpler terms, it is how my own grandmother viewed and expressed her view on love and life: " Love is the true richeness of life and you can spend and spend and never break the bank". And throughout her life, MJ proved that to be so. The greatest point I intended to make in this post is this: perhaps in a deeper, partcularly poignant sense, it is true that you were never meant to 'get over' the love you feel for your partner, -but it may be more true and is entirely possible that the experience will bring you up another rung in the ladder of personal growth to acheive greater success in your life, -and from which you will draw in regards to your future interaction with, influence on, and inspiration of- others. Love is not something to avoid; it is meant to be embraced even with the thorns that might be attached. And if love was powerful enough to change you into someone better then, -through this experience with it- it is certainly powerful enough to change you into someone *even better* now. I hope some of this makes sense to you, and hope it remains here in hopes of helping you and others who might randomly run across it. With greatest sincerity. Take care. -Rio
no1really Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 I was with my misses (very long-term gf) for 14yrs we have 12yr old daughter. We split up in March and we not really spoken since about things I sat in my parents flat hoping to sort things out. I just stayed away to give us time which thought she wanted .I didn’t want to push her away even more .I found out last week she seeing some guy now only after a couple of months. Told her my feeling and said I know where I gone wrong and know what to do to put it right but she wants the new guy. How can she just throw 14yr and a family away within a few months of meeting some guy? Without talking about us it just been “bye then ohhhh hello new guy lets get it on” I have been told he looks like and everything seems like double of me [FONT=Wingdings]L[/FONT] If he wasn’t nothing like me it would be easier I think but a few people have said bit strange So I know how you feel [FONT="]You are not the only one [/FONT]
Author csb_25 Posted August 24, 2006 Author Posted August 24, 2006 Oh, I know I'm not the only one. About a week ago, I made the hardest choice of my life. I promised my love I'd let her go. I was upfront with her, in that I told her I hoped that by letting her go off on her own and heal, she may someday see her way back to the amazing love we had, and I still have for her, but I know that is a fools hope. The most clear example of how foolish that is just came from a short email from her. I had sent off a email to a few people, a friend mass emailing, about an article stating that the Marines are involuntarily calling up people in the IRR (which, after my five years in the Marines, is what I'm in; there is little chance I will be called up, but little is still worse then none) to go to Iraq. Her response to this was: "Yeah, I just saw this on cnn. I still, of course, worry about you. Do let me know if it happens. Love, xxxx" Not even a please let me know if it happens. Just "do" let me know. The langauge is so cold and distant. I know I may very well wait for her until the end of my days, in a vain, stupid, impossible hope that she may come around, through her own healing, to seeing that our love is worth going for again. But things like this make me wonder if she even spares me a passing thought anymore, whilst I lie awake at night crying about how I may never see her beautiful smile or feel her warm arms around me ever again. *sigh* I know only time will tell, and it will probably tell me exactly what I fear to hear, but the hope that healing may allow my angel to fly back to me is really all I've got.
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