bob_fl Posted August 13, 2006 Posted August 13, 2006 I am having a major problem with an incident that occurred in my wife's past (about 6 months before we met). First, some background: we have been married for almost 8 years and have 2 daughters (she is pregnant with our 3rd child). When we were having the "how many people have you been with" conversation before we got married, this incident was brought to my attention. So, here is what happened... When my wife was 21 years old, she had a one night stand with a friend of her uncle's. Her uncle (and this individual) are 11 years older than her, making him 32 at the time. Now, the fact that she had sex with this clown is not what really bothers me ... it is the fact that he has known her since she was 11 years old. When she told me the whole story (I really shouldn't have asked for the details!), she explained how this guy and her uncle came over to her house (which makes me think that he had planned this entire act) and asked her to "hang out with them for the night". After a night of partying and drinking, she told me he asked her to come back to his hotel room which obviously she did. She then had sex with this guy and that was it. Now, I know that nothing inappropriate ever took place between them when she was a minor or anything like that, but the fact that this guy would have sex with a girl that he knew since she was a child drives me insane with anger and rage. Any time that I think about this incident, I get so angry that I feel like a bomb that is ready to explode. I know that if this guy was ever in my presence (he lives in another state), that I would definitely confront him, regardless of who was present. In the 8 years that we have been married, I know that she has never cheated on me, spoken to any of her ex-boyfriends or anything like that, but I cannot get past this incident. It keeps playing over and over in my mind ... does this guy and his friends sit around and talk about how he got this young girl in bed, etc. I know that there is nothing that I can do to change the past, but I wish that I could deal with this issue. Any advice, suggestions or similar experiences that can be shared would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Touche Posted August 13, 2006 Posted August 13, 2006 I have no similar experience to share but I do have advice. If it ain't broke don't fix it!!! You've been married now awhile. You have kids. Why do you want to stir up the pot? It's ancient history. I don't get why people can't just be happy??? You're lucky that you have a wife who is loyal to you. Read all the stories on here. Why dream up a problem? Your wife was an adult. No one held a gun to her head. Maybe it was as exciting to her as it was to him. Let it go! Don't let this eat at you and corrode your marriage.
Cecelius Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 Yeah, it's gross, especially if she couldn't see how... easy it was. However, I'd try to let this one thing go. or you could tell the uncle about it and see if he busts his pal's head
luvstarved Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 I think you really need to find a way to let this one go. If it is not plaguing her,why should it plague you? I know that it is easier said than done, but the only possible result of continuing to allow this to eat you up is to adversely affect your marriage and/or your own emotional well being. I would think that even a couple of counseling sessions could help you think about this in a different light and get past it. In marriages with huge sweeping problems I do not think counseling is generally that effective, but I think it could be useful in this case. Good luck.
magda Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 I can see feeling weird about it if he was a big part of her life when she was growing up, like a "big brother" figure. But just having known her then isn't enough to make him a real perve, in my opinion. It's odd that the uncle let his friend go for it with his neice though.
Adunaphel Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 I remember one Loveshack thread from some months ago where a girl was venting about the fact that his neighbour, whom she had known for years, had started to look at her as a beautiful, adult woman after so many years he had regarded her as their neighbour's child. It made her really unconfortable. I remember that thread because it somehow struck me that most of the replies she got said that it was a very normal thing to happen. And that she was now a woman, and it was normal that her neighbour had started seeing her as an attractive adult. I'll search for this thread, perhaps reading it might be useful to you. I can see feeling weird about it if he was a big part of her life when she was growing up, like a "big brother" figure. But just having known her then isn't enough to make him a real perve, in my opinion. It's odd that the uncle let his friend go for it with his neice though. I agree with all that Magda said. Sorry about the question, but are you angry only at this man, or are you also partly angered at your wife? If such is the case, can you nail what exactly makes you upset with her? If not, do you feel like this man took advantage of her? The bigger problem is that he knew her (by the way, how well did he knew her?) or that she was much younger than him, or that he was a friend of a relative of her? Did your wife talked about this episode like it was an unpleasant memory? Does she fele like this guy took advantage of her? Anyway, you have to let it go - unless of course your wife is affected by this episode and you can do anything to support her. She did nothing wrong, and it was a long time before you got together.
Guest Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 First let me tell you that this is an issue that needs to be set aside!!! past is past and that is that. I will tell you that I write, I write all what is bothering me and it is like I am telling the person how I feel. address it to him!! he is the one you are having the problem with so address it to him..... write every thing you would like to say to him and write till you need and have no more anger and then you tear it up.. you will probly start it out in a your a sick man kinda to then wanting to know why and try to understand then anger then it will be sadness then it will lead to the end but the key is to address it to him!!!!! the key is to write it till you have said everything that needs to be said!!!!! it works truly it does and if it does not work the first time then write him again. it will work. for your wife, I will tell you this... all the men in my life, the important ones.... auncle....and even other family members.... your wife was young and she was drinking!!!! however you think you are safe cause she is with someone in the family that is supposed to protect her. I bet this is not the hole story.... she probly tells you that this is how it happened because women that has had this happen to them make it look like what every body sees it as....(what I am getting at is she would play it off as she got drunk and he asked her to go back with him and she did verses that he took advantage of her and that she could have had no way to get away from him and he had his way.) I am not saying that all cases is this way there are some that it is just a willing party but I was raped, it was by a sibbling that was much older then me. I was hit on by an auncle well a friend of the family that was my moms best friend for years... he was so much a part of the family that I called him auncle and when I was 15 he made his first pass and I rember it like it was yesterday!!!!! no one knew that this happened but it did and I blew it off like I was just the favorite neice. how else was I supposed to handle it... I was a child. we as outsiders and that is what you are at this point... not that she does not love you nor trust but if this happened in a different way than the out come of what was said she is ashamed of it and just would rather say this is what happened than to say what really happened. basicaly she wants it to be in the closet and stay there!!! she does not want to relive it and just wants to be cut and dry!!! I can only say to you get it out of your mind and love your wife and the life you have and see that these beautiul babies you are so blessed with sees that the father you are is a safe father and that you will not allow anything to harm them and love them unconditional.... your wife could have bee placed in a situwation that she felt like she had no control over. Make her feel like you love her and that you will never let anything happen and put it behind you as she is trying to do cause if and when you bring it up it not only hursts to a hurt that is beyond what you can compare but it cause distance from her to you. she wants to forget it and she cant if you bring it up. I am like you about how you feel about the whole she was a child when he was grow and that is gross but take it and leave it alone....please, if at all I helped but just leave this alone.
Author bob_fl Posted August 25, 2006 Author Posted August 25, 2006 The guy was not someone that she saw on a daily basis as if he were part of the family; he just happened to be one of her uncle's friends. He was never a "big brother" figure, "uncle" figure, or anything like that. I also asked both her and her uncle if anything inappropriate ever transpired while she was underage and they both without hesitation said "Absolutely not!". The bottom line is that she had just ended a relationship that she thought was going to lead to marriage, etc. and it did not turn out that way. She had caught her ex-boyfriend in bed with some girl and had evidence that one of her good friends had slept with her boyfriend while they were together and was very hurt by this. So really, I think that she just "wanted to be wanted." It probably felt good to receive attention from a guy and be mentally reasurred that she was still attractive and desirable to men. In her mind, I think that she was exacting some measure of revenge against her ex. Any time that we spoke about it, she has told me that it didn't mean anything and was a total waste. She didn't feel like she did anything wrong and has told me time and time again that "... I didn't even know you then! Not only were we not together, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU EXISTED!" To be quite honest, I know that this is not something that I should get mad about. The problem is that while the logical side of my mind comprehends this fact, the emotional side of my mind cannot. I love this woman very much and the thought of any other man putting their hands on her, let alone having sex with her, drives me mad!! When I confronted her uncle about this, I exploded with rage and told him that if I ever saw this guy that I would destroy him. Her uncle was kind of perplexed and told me, "Hey, she was an adult. Anyways, who cares? It is so long ago and she is your girl now man! She married you!" Her uncle also told me that "...he would never put me in a situation where I had to be near his friend". Anyways, the friend is now married and everyone tells me that I just need to get over it and that it is no big deal. I appreciate the feedback to this post. It is amazing how much different things start to look once you get a different perspective. Thanks again!
norajane Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 I'm curious why you're so upset just about this one guy, this one night stand? You said she had another relationship that she thought was going to lead to marriage...yet you're not upset about him 'putting his hands on her' or that she'd had deep feelings for that guy? Is it that you just don't like the idea of your wife having had a one night stand with someone? Has she had any other one night stands that you are upset about? In any case, if your wife isn't upset about her escapade, and since it had nothing to do with you, I don't see any reason for you to be upset. Neither your wife nor the uncle nor his friend did anything wrong.
Author bob_fl Posted August 25, 2006 Author Posted August 25, 2006 Pretty dumb huh Nora? I know, it doesn't make sense. At this point, I am starting to realize what a moron I have been and I am getting on with life!
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 I love this woman very much and the thought of any other man putting their hands on her, let alone having sex with her, drives me mad!! I'm sure you had sex with other women before you met your wife. Everybody has a past... What counts is the now. She's your wife, she's had 2 of your children and a third on the way. Don't think of the past at all and it probably was a mistake to go into detail about the past...Numbers are usually OK, but once you "know" who it is, especially if you know the person, I can understand the visual... I'm glad that you're seeing things now in a realistic light.
Author bob_fl Posted August 26, 2006 Author Posted August 26, 2006 Can't disagree whichway ... there really is no logical explanation for the jealous angry feelings. I think that discussing it and realizing that the past is ancient history has made me realize that this is a totally insignificant event that isn't worth the breath that it takes to mention it!
Guest Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 Hi Bob Chiming in here a bit late, sorry. But I read these posts and I agree with everything the posters said. It's really a non-issue in your marraige. Sounds like you have a loving wife and all that a man could ask for. Why get crazy over something from so long ago that really has so little significance? Jealously knows no reason, that's why it's such a difficult emotion to control. But I'm glad you logically know that this truly means little to your relationship today Be happy!
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 This is why asking loaded questions are dangerous...You gotta be prepared for the answers and possible reactions neither of you are expecting! OK, well I think you should plan a night out with your wife! How far along is she in this pregnancy?
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