Guest Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 Holy crap, I feel like I'm living this myself right now. I am also committment-phobic due to a nightmare past marriage/relationship. I try to keep my situation in perspective. I realize he just wants to bat his big blue eyes at me to keep me interested, and that he would likely act like I'd lost my mind if I made any kind of move on him. He is relentless with the sexual innuendo and the longing stares. He is very big on touch, and I have felt every part of his body against every part of my body - the less innocent of which is always made to look like an accident. Here is my perspective on my situation. Maybe it will help you sort things out. - I'm in this false situation out of fear of any real situation. I enjoy fantasizing about this man. He's gorgeous and sweet and flirtatious and horny and well-endowed. Perfect star for my pornographic dreams, but a man I will never have to deal with in an actual sexual/romantic situation. I'm positive I've totally idealized him in my mind (I've done this before) and at this point he has no chance of living up to what I would expect from him. The man loves female attention, and he knows how to get it. He is fine as **** and sweeter than sugar and if he were single I would have a blast with him. The key words here being "if he were single." I have entertained fantasies of his marriage breaking up but the truth is that I am not going to be making my feelings known and I am not going to be making any moves. What I want most right now is a single man - a lot like him - who adores me and makes me feel appreciated, desired and dare I say - loved. The problem is that I am terrified of the whole game of finding such a man so in order to remain safe I attach myself to a man who isn't available, who I am well aware isn't available, and create a semi-fantasy life around this man. For quite some time I was actually believeing this fantasy and it was really messing up my head and my emotional health was suffering. Writing about it is what helped me. I have a whole text file devoted to him and I find that writing about it gives me extra strength and makes everything so much clearer. I found that I was justifying my feelings based on his flirtatiousness. "I know I shouldn't be falling for him, but he emailed me song lyrics!" Yes, me too...My journal has been my strength. When I feel I may be weakening a little I go back and read my most lucid entries. It really helps. I backed off. He brought out all his secret weapons. He still does occasionally, but now I can laugh to myself about it. Since I am able to keep a healthy perspective on the situation I can really see the manipulation, and it really helps keep my feelings for this man in check. So what if he did suddenly leave his wife? Would I ever be able to trust a man who behaves toward other women the way he behaves toward me? Another thing that helped me was to humanize his wife. Lately I've started asking innocent questions about her. She sounds like a nice enough person and she does not deserve to have her marriage and family split apart for horniness's sake. Make him into eye candy. I still enjoy him as a nice-looking male specimen, but that's as far as it goes. Oh - and don't look directly into the eyes. Treat him like Medusa. ;-)
yesmaybe Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 When I read stories of MM like your MM, I am soooooo relieved that my MM is a blunt, non-romantic man who is so guileless he couldn't emotionally manipulate a puppy even if he wanted to.
CaterpillarGirl Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 Okay, well there's two ways to address this issue THE CONFRONTATIONAL WAY You need a new ally in your office. So find a guy you trust, who seems like he could be your friend (no sexual interest) and tell him everything. Basically, lay out your stupid behaviour and the MM's aggressive attacks in the office. Admit any guilt and state your resolution to get serious about the job and stay away from MM. Ask him to help you in avoiding the MM (i.e. calling you over to discuss a project when MM is in stalking mode), talking to the other boys and getting them on your side, maybe even having a word with the MM. THE QUIET HARDWORKING WAY Continue to ignore the MM. Ask your boss for more work or greater involvement in your project. This will help you (a) concentrate on your job and get your mind off of MM, (b) give you a legitimate excuse to wave the MM off when he comes to photocopy ("I'm sorry but I have a lot of work, I can't chat right now"), and © prove your commitment to your job and shut down questions about your performance (aka gossip).
Author freakygal78 Posted August 20, 2006 Author Posted August 20, 2006 Thank you all for your words. Butafly, thanks for sharing your story - it sounds very similar to what I'm going through - I had been shaking with stomach upsets the last two days at work and I thought 'is it really worth it?' As it is, I listen to music on my headphones while I work for 9 hrs a day to block out loudmouths! It's only when I get up for coffee or whatever that I hear the jibes. I will stick it out though - screw my detractors - I'm there for my salary and need to see this contract out. Guest, I'm sure he doesn't know EXACTLY how he's making me feel although I have emailed him to say 'are you trying to torture me?' (by sending songs like that). So he feigns ignorance which I don't buy frankly, he knows exactly what he's doing but HE'S not listening to MY favourite songs on repeat loop all weekend while posting to a MM forum! He's playing tennis and gardening with his wife and spending time with his 6yo daughter! LNAF, yes the title just popped in my head - it just describes their self-absorbed nature - suck the good out of everyone around me as long as they can reward me somehow. Guest # 2, Wow, you are speaking my language! It's the same thing happening - the sad thing is I'd never heard of this phenomena before so I thought this scenario was unique to me. With the exception of touching me, he is a total attention puppy! He'll give me the intense eyes when I'm trying my best to look down when I'm near him. He'll make more comments to me if I'm looking straight ahead at my computer. He'll wander around more to keep his eye on me if I'm chatting to a younger single male. It's almost like a 3yos reaction! I started writing a nightly journal about him but then it descended into descriptions of fantasies I envisaged with him and so I did not if I was fuelling my obsession this way or actually helping myself vent. I canned it eventually. I even emailed home the only picture of him I could get from his employee pf and played with it on photoshop. Aaaaargh! This was at the height of my obsession-fantasy with him. Things have since become less intense. I am ashamed to admit I used to look forward to weekends because even though I couldn't see him, I would treat it like a 2 day beauty session to make myself attractive for him! Geez, I'd sit there doing french manicures to perfection and doing facials so that in the Monday meeting all he'd see of course was my lovely nails and glowing skin! I laugh at it now but at least I would not drink and chain smoke then, my hopelessness with the situation still gets to me and I sit here ruminating a lot on weekends still but I know this has to end - if nothing it will end in December by default and if my feelings continue to grow, I could be a real mess! It will be like a big withdrawal crash! I will have nothing left to focus on and that to me is sad and pathetic but I can't detach myself enough just yet. I'm hip to his tricks and take an objective look at his actions now and think 'you dumba$$, I know what you're doing' but still there is that soft spot for him I still haven't entirely quelled, the one he knows to play on so well...It's funny you suggest using him as eye candy because that's exactly what I called him in an email - he seemed to like it and used the reference several times signing his name 'candy' in his language haha! - yes I can fantasize about him in my own time and enjoy smirking over his proud peacock ways around the office but I have to be careful with my heart and not destroy myself over this. It's not worth it. I think I will go the quiet hardworking way Caterpillar Girl, the less drama and talk the better methinks!
Guest Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Hi, Guest #2 again - I admit I'm fascinated by your situation because it's so similar to mine. I too would spend my days off giving myself facials, manicures, pedicures, waxes, etc. Never in my life have I ever spent so much money on beauty products. Then when he would compliment me on my hair or tell me I smelled good I'd feel justified. One big thing I've had to do is ignore the coy comments and ignore the email poetry. Also, I quit encouraging him by paying him compliments and flirting back, etc. Sometimes he will repeat his sexual innuendo 3 or 4 times and wait for a reaction and I have to admit I enjoy the feeling I get when he finally gives up. I feel validated. It has not all been my fault. It has not all been my imagination. This also reinforces my resolve as I can clearly see how he is manipulating me. He wants me to blush and giggle, but what if I were to ask him to back all his fluffy comments up with some real action? I am sure he would react the same way your MM did at the train station - with feigned shock and surprise and would insist he did nothing to encourage me. Bullshyt! He is totally ****ing with you to bolster his ego. You have real feelings and you are being hurt by this. It's wrong. Seriously, he isn't worth your time. You can treat him like eye candy, but for your own self-respect don't let him know it. From the sound of it he already does, and he knows he has you right where he wants you. You will get no satisfaction out of this situation. It's all for his benefit. I laugh and joke with this guy. I check out his ass on occasion. But when he gets physically close I discreetly create space between us. When he makes a sly sexual reference I completely ignore him. When he sends me song lyrics I'll ignore it and if he asks me about it I'll say something like "Oh yeah, that's a good song" and leave it at that. Since I've created this distance I've seen how desperate he is for female attention and the lows he'll sink to to get it, and it reinforces the emtional distance i'm finally feeling. I used my journal for fantasies too. It took some time. When I go back and read through it I can see how ridiculous the whole thing was. This also helps me, believe it or not. I don't mean to sound stern about this. I just hate to see a fellow female of reasonable intelligence be manipulated the way I was. I feel like I have the map and maybe I can help someone else find their way out.
Author freakygal78 Posted August 20, 2006 Author Posted August 20, 2006 Thanks for that Guest #2, it helps me to hear that you have recovered from his BS - MM can be so sly! Now you put this spin on it, I will enjoy watching HIM writhe is HIS withdrawal from my attention....instead of ME being the walking wounded perhaps now he will see what exactly he has created with his 'game-playing'. If he put all that energy and effort into his marriage, it might be truly wonderful. I regret ever bolstering his ego although I had no idea I was doing it when this first happened.
Author freakygal78 Posted August 21, 2006 Author Posted August 21, 2006 Not coming on here to gloat or be vindictive but today was totally ridiculous in the sense of watching MM withdraw from my dwindling attention. He is being a lot more 'visible' in my peripheral view throughout the day. He made a cute joke today at the copier while I was using it also - I tried my best to keep a stoic face but I cracked a small smile dammit - more at his try-hard attempts to be charming than anything but I cursed myself that the smile itself gave him an ego boost. Then I had to go to another level for something and he appeared down there 5 minutes later - goodness knows what for - I ignored him then back on our level he interjected into a conversation I was having with a female co-worker and commented 'aaah you cheated, you took the elevator' - I tried my best not to take notice of him. He is looking at me a lot more openly than he used to while 'acting cool'. I even had an email in my inbox from him this morning about his concern that his advice he sent me had not been helpful on Friday - said that it had been bugging him. Wow! For someone married to be concerned over the weekend about advice they gave a single girl last Friday? It seems a bit unnatural doesn't it? I am afraid he is sliding down the slippery slope now his attention hits aren't being administered anymore. I'm not saying I'm caving in - I'm trying my darndest not to - it's just quite alarming - this rebound reaction I'm witnessing and wondering if it's my imagination - it's not hard to see how women stay trapped in this cycle and how it escalates. I spoke to the HR manager about the general crass comments I seem to be getting which are not all in relation to this situation BTW and that helped - I am going into anonymous EAP counselling shortly which will help esp as I have started breaking out in hives from all the emotional stress!!! I walked past the kitchen today and someone made the comment in passing (may have been unrelated, put it was said pointedly) something like '...and his wife found out' - I can't help but get paranoid when I hear these things even if they are about something totally removed. People are not blind - even if it's not physical - attractions like this attract UNWANTED attention from co-workers and yes, it can be ugly - take heed! I'm just hoping for the time in the near future when it will be old news...like Butafly said it did in her situation.
inarut Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 MM can be so sly! Isn't that the truth! Like an idiot, I broke NC after 2 weeks when I promised myself I was done. After being out with the girls and feeling tipsy I called him. He told me that someone was asking questions about our 'relationship' and he was getting a little freaked out. I said I did not mention anything to that person. I said I would like to see him and he said he would call me later. Well he never called so of course I was upset. I called him the next day and left him a message saying that I felt like he was playing with my head and that I've always been honest with him about my feelings for him and that he's turned me into an insecure little girl. I told him not to call me and that I just needed to get that off my chest. I also called my cousin (his friend and the only one who knows about our 'relationship') to see if he said anything to anyone. He said no and that my MM/FWB has been feeding me lines of BS and telling everyone that I am stalking him. How can I be stalking him when we talk once every 2 weeks sometimes 3 weeks??? He told them that we've only been together once and now I won't leave him alone. What he failed to mention to them is that we have been together several times and that I asked him on MANY occasions 'how do you want to handle this situation between us'? He came right out and said it's fine to call him to meet. At one point I told him that I can not do this anymore because it's humiliating that I always need to call him. He said I shouldn't feel that way and that he wanted to see me. What he really wanted was to be together ONLY if we saw each other out not by making arrangements. If he would have been honest and told me that in the beginning I think it would have been easier not to develop feelings for him. Do men actually think we are robots and have no emotions (LIKE THEM). I am so mad because I will definitely see him again and I just want to ring his neck. My cousin said that I need to cut all contact with him (YA THINK!!). My big thing is that there are people out there that think I am some 'fatal attraction' and it's just not true. I don't know what to do.......I know I should just drop it but it's just eating at me. Any suggestions???
newbby Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 inarut, your mm wants to have a relationship with you that he doesnt have to take any responsibility for. suggestion: dont contact him AT ALL. that way he cant possibly accuse you of stalking him. if you see him out, pretend he isnt there. if he wants things to happen with you he will have to make the attempts at contact. then get your own back by accusing him of stalking you.
inarut Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 inarut, your mm wants to have a relationship with you that he doesnt have to take any responsibility for. suggestion: dont contact him AT ALL. that way he cant possibly accuse you of stalking him. if you see him out, pretend he isnt there. if he wants things to happen with you he will have to make the attempts at contact. then get your own back by accusing him of stalking you. I like the way you think!! I will NEVER contact him again. He is so not worth it.
Guest Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 Freakygal - it's great to hear you're staying strong. I know you (like me) might start to find it flattering when you see the lengths he'll go to to get your attention, but don't let it weaken you. The MM in my situation just loves the female attention, and I was a sure way to get it. Other women we work with would not put up with the crap he pulls on me. How he knew this, I'll never know. Maybe it started because I was the only single female? Maybe because we actually get along fairly well and have common interests? It will remain a mystery, I suppose. I knew all along that he had no intention of leaving his wife (even though he has a million sob stories about his marriage everytime I see him) and would only cheat on her under the most discreet and sordid circumstances. No matter how adorable and sweet he is, I can't lower myself to that. I''ve been on vacation and will likely face a huge onslaught when I go back tomorrow and I'm sure I'll have to hide the goofy lust-struck grin that pops up every now and again. I think the key here is just knowing what the game is and completely avoiding it. I'll admit that I find a lot of things he does or says "cute," particularly when he's starving for attention, but he doesn't know that and never will. As time goes on, I'm getting more wise to the little acts he puts on and find it less cute every time. MM seems to feel safe hanging all over me when certain people are around, but will keep his distance around others. I recently had another co-worker express concern to me about his physical closeness. She asked me if it bothered me and I said "Well, just a little. I'm not sure if he means anything by it." So now during what used to be our "Alone Time" she will find things for him to do or hang out with us, etc. I'm so grateful for her. You mentioned talking to other men - this was another problem. I enjoy being a little flirtatious and only in the past month or so I figured out why men kind of backed off me at work. One guy would leave the room in a huff whenever MM would come in. Then I started watching him when other men would talk to me and it was ridiculous. He'll stand and stare and when the other guy looks at him he'll say "What's up" in that semi-intimidating way that guys have. There's one single guy I talk to a lot (that I'm not attracted to) because we both have some of the same strange tastes and MM will always appear out of nowhere and look at him with disgust until the poor guy clams up. When I realized how much he was f***ing with my head and cramping my style I found I've cooled off considerably. I also think about what his wife would think and how he presents himself as this fine citizen and this great husband/father and I get disgusted with him. One more trick I have - if he pisses me off for any little reason, be it work-related or whatever, I'll remember it everytime I see him for the rest of the day. That really helps.
Author freakygal78 Posted August 22, 2006 Author Posted August 22, 2006 Inarut - it's very hard to break any kind of arrangement that was mutually reinforcing - we are getting just as much of an ego boost from the attention as them it's just that most times seems they are in 'power' of the situation. Also having something you can't have - makes any crumb you get from him exponentially more valuable! Sounds like he's being a jerk if he's turning the situation around on you and making you look like the crazy one - I've no doubt this MM might do the same to me if questioned. Yeah 'we are just friends but it's her that is being the predator'. Nice! Remember that when you are feeling weak about contacting him. Guest, you have no idea how many similarities there are in our situation! OK Yes I think MM are good at picking vulnerable targets - single, live-alone, not many people to influence my decisions etc. He is due for his family vacation in the next week or so - I have read that most people increase their 'affair' activity before/after a family holiday it's almost like they are 'storing up' for the lack of ego boost - maybe that's what's going on and he's also feeling a bit more 'risky' because he's off soon and he doesn't care a damn what happens for 2 weeks while he's away - that and he's losing his grip on me and knows it. Guest, he also wanders up and down the end of the T-section hallway we have at work going manically to the copier and back when I'm chatting to a younger male friend of mine - it's shark-like! He's reached over myself and another guy to get to the hot water spout to make himself a cup of tea - physically intervening - this is crazy! OK so update time - I really really hate myself today because I caved. No eye contact, no emailing and I was humming along to tunes on my headphones when he came to the copier and asked 'what's the music' I told him the artist and then because I was feeling chirpy and a bit cocky as I have a job interview lined up tommorrow and so may be leaving soon (or so I hope now!) I go and send him some of their songs! Stupid stupid stupid!!! Imagine how pleased as Punch he was??? I thought 'who cares?' I'm outta there soon anyways if i get this rather unexpected job opportunity but later on in the day I regretted it. He told me the music was beautiful - when you make a rather stoic man open up with sensitive accolades like that how the hell are you supposed to resist? It's true I don't care anymore I most likely will leave given the first opportunity but it's wishy-washy and 'weird' and ambiguous again whereas before I had a semblance of self-control. It is horrible - this contact - it's a rush that makes you (and him no doubt) feel alive even for 5 mins and then you listen to each others music privately and think of one another but only he has the upper hand and you pay the price of feeling ambiguous and wishy-washy and pathetic but it seems worth it even for that tiny crumb of nothing that is such an adrenalin rush. We're screwed! I have no doubt this man would never leave his wife - that's not what I'd ever want - I guess we just have this private world that is hard to break out of. I would really love a hug or some kind of acknowledgement from him of our connection and then never see him again - I would be happy with that romantic memory - truly. I know I sound like such a sucker - I think this has changed both our lives in some small way forever. Please don't bash me for sounding pathetic - I'm terribly vulnerable with all this work crap going on at the moment - prone to relapses - ah well tommorrow is another day!
BUTAFLY Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 MM seems to feel safe hanging all over me when certain people are around, but will keep his distance around others... My mm did the same thing. Later realize the certain people knew he was engaged. and the others did not,thats why he felt it was ok to be close to me. Jerk! I recently had another co-worker express concern to me about his physical closeness. She asked me if it bothered me and I said "Well, just a little. I'm not sure if he means anything by it." So now during what used to be our "Alone Time" she will find things for him to do or hang out with us, etc. I'm so grateful for her. Your lucky there . I had one guy I didn't know try to through me a clue but I didn't put two & two together. We were in the breakroom, me & mm at our table and this other man at another, to my back. He helled at mm , "Hey man, I saw you yesterday at the gas station I almost didn't recognize you, was that your wifes truck you were driving?" Of course my ears perked up. WTF? I'm thinking he's not married. Little did I know You mentioned talking to other men - this was another problem. ...only in the past month or so I figured out why men kind of backed off me at work. One guy would leave the room in a huff whenever MM would come in. Then I started watching him when other men would talk to me and it was ridiculous. He'll stand and stare and when the other guy looks at him he'll say "What's up" in that semi-intimidating way that guys have. There's one single guy I talk to a lot (that I'm not attracted to) because we both have some of the same strange tastes and MM will always appear out of nowhere and look at him with disgust until the poor guy clams up. My mm had the same MO and I thought it was cute he was a little jealous. If he felt 'safe' around the guy i was talking to (meaning if the guy didn't know he was engaged) then he would come right up to us and rub my back or touch my hand, very slightly but still enough to make a statement. If he didn't feel 'safe' then he would shoot the guy looks and wait it out from a distance.
Author freakygal78 Posted August 22, 2006 Author Posted August 22, 2006 Haha! It's funny how THEY of all people feel the right to be territorial dunnit? Especially when they CLEARLY don't know their boundaries...hehe...hope I made my MM squirt his pants with the music I sent him today - think I'll blast him with a bit of a head-f*ck before I make a swift exit - I wonder if he can even begin to contemplate the havoc he has played with my mind! And a few hours ago I posted a romantic comment - see what I mean???
officespace Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 yep, i totally agree with your assessment. he is a mm with a conscience. he might also be a narcissist. this sounds exactly like how my x relationship started with my Xmm. 4 years of this cat and mouse game. 1 year of being together. he is back with the wife and never did really "leave" her. got an apartment but toggled back and forth between us the entire year he and i were seeing each other. don't go there!!! trust me. i am 5 months out and still i feel a part of me died when i crossed the line with him. good luck. don't succumb to ego stroking.
Author freakygal78 Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 Yes officespace, I am sure he is a narcissist. There have been some passing comments from co-workers about our friendship and rather than go into damage-control mode and try to be more professional in his interaction with me (as I have been trying to do), he is actually rubbing it into other MM's noses! I can't believe this! Maybe he is getting off on the sour grapes attitude from them even though NOW those MM are somehow on so much higher moral ground than before. Today he hovered territorially in my area because an attractive, new and younger guy at work was spending an inordinately long time looking at files near my desk. I can't say it wasn't flattering but I fought hard to keep a straight face. I am trying my darndest to keep it professional with him but people are being quite acerbic - I know nothing is going on and so does he (he said this is all that matters) it's another matter proving this to everyone else though - like someone mentioned on here - you can't prove a negative...
Chrystal Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 I know this may seem harsh, but I'm really upset over this thread, I think you taking some harmless flirting to the next level. It is human nature to flirt, I can't name one person who doesn't. If I got mad at my husband everytime he looked at someone we wouln't still be married. You need to relax and try to find someone more appropriate. Think of the reprocussions it would have on his family. I feel like your being really selfish. Plus remember once a cheater always a cheater. If he did leave her for you, who is to say he wouldn't leave you for another woman. Ask yourself these questionshe could he then be trusted not to hurt you, take of yourself emotionally.
Author freakygal78 Posted August 24, 2006 Author Posted August 24, 2006 Thanks for that Chrystal, but 1) I don't want him to leave his wife and family for me and 2) he has been messing with my head a plenty 3) The point of the thread is that I'm trying to get over his hold on me 4) I cannot find anyone appropriate (trust me I've tried dating single men) because I have a problem with w/ commitment and trust, hence my inappropriate attachment to him in the first place! 5) it is not one-sided so if he was a man of integrity he would have left well alone and I wouldn't be posting this! 6) I WANT to take care of myself emotionally - I have grown so much as a person through this precarious situation and from reading about other people's experiences. 7) I am getting counselling for this problem 8) Things seem very black and white if you have not been in the situation yourself.
Guest Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 I actually like this thread because there's hope here. You look at the rest of this board and it's mostly hopeless and sad. It's nice to read about other people escaping the disaster of being an OW. I am ecstatic that I narrowly escaped being a MM's "discreet thing on the side." It doesn't look like a good time to me, and the women who say they enjoy it are simply not bright enough to know better. I think it's an eye opener to read about how these MM conduct themselves. I hope that some cheated upon wives who are quick to blame the OW for everything (because of what their husbands told them, most likely) read this thread. The MM who is flirting with me at work is probably proud of the fact that he can call himself a model husband and father who has never cheated on his wife. The fact of the matter is that the man once "accidentally" put his genitals in my hand. He loves to pass through doorways that I'm either standing in or walking through and press various parts of his body against me. Gotta love those accidents. I'd say he's lucky to have escaped this situation without a sexual harrassment suit. I make sure there's lots of space between us now. Freakygal, I'm sending positive vibes your way. A good person wouldn't f*** with you this way.
inarut Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Thanks for that Chrystal, but 1) I don't want him to leave his wife and family for me and 2) he has been messing with my head a plenty 3) The point of the thread is that I'm trying to get over his hold on me 4) I cannot find anyone appropriate (trust me I've tried dating single men) because I have a problem with w/ commitment and trust, hence my inappropriate attachment to him in the first place! 5) it is not one-sided so if he was a man of integrity he would have left well alone and I wouldn't be posting this! 6) I WANT to take care of myself emotionally - I have grown so much as a person through this precarious situation and from reading about other people's experiences. 7) I am getting counselling for this problem 8) Things seem very black and white if you have not been in the situation yourself. Freakygal - You know my story from my posts and all I can say is that since I finally confronted my MM/FWB and told him to stop playing with my head and that I was no longer going to put up with his crap, I finally feel like a normal person. I am no longer in a fog and thinking about him EVERY SINGLE MINUTE OF THE DAY. When my phone rings, my heart isn't skipping a beat hoping it's him. I look back and can't believe I actually let him treat me the way he did! I am so much better than that and so are you. I completely believe everything happens for a reason and you are in this situation for a reason. Maybe to teach you something for the next relationship you are in (hopefully with a wonderful single man). Have faith and keep your head and spirit up!!! PS - Because my MM/FWB told someone I was 'stalking' him, I checked my cell phone records and for the past month, I was on the phone with him for a total of 12 minutes. 12 MINUTES!!! Does that sounds like I am stalking him. MM are all about them not matter what they say to you. The thing I keep laughing about is that if I was stalking him, why didn't he every say no to me??? I guess I didn't hit my stalking limit according to him!! ha ha
Author freakygal78 Posted August 25, 2006 Author Posted August 25, 2006 Haha! right on inarut! Thanks for your kind words girls - yes it's easy to look like a merciless pricktease in this scenario - for sure - I don't blame the W for feeling threatened. I have been married and jealous of female attention directed at my ex-H before so it's not like I am a stranger to that feeling. I guess if anything I have examined what role a failed r'ship plays in developing such inappropriate attractions. Like I stated in my first post...I noticed this guy first BECAUSE he was constantly staring at me - sure I didn't have to reciprocate but the first move was his and a happily married and balanced man should not keep on repeating that body language if he wishes to avoid repurcussions. That aside, I was sooo proud of myself today - when he emailed me a work request, I sent him one back 'no worries' and said something to the effect of 'If you've noticed I am a little short with you or pre-occupied lately it's because I am trying to keep my interaction with you less friendly and more professional because people have started talking. I have a healthy respect for you and enjoy being your friend *cough cough* but I don't want yourself or me to get burnt by the talk. He wrote back to say he's sorry about the gossip and that it shouldn't happen and that he understands. There may have been a bit of bruised ego in there and he did try to hold my gaze when I asked him a work-related question later (you know the one that always gets you *ding* in the lower abdomen!). So I _REALLY_ hope this is a case closed - other than that he can be infantile and try to make me jealous by staring at other girls or just step it up a notch because of course I've given him another obstacle - we shall see - I think he knows I was setting some boundaries around what had become an inappropriate friendship....and he knew it. Of course to you all I can confide that what I said was a load of tripe and I still want him more than anything on earth - but I can't let him know that - I'm sure he already has a fair enough idea already. Again I just want to thank you all for your support in this - acceptance, the empathy - I would have never coped so well had I not had all your stories and support - I realised just how bad this could get! Well I'll still keep you posted but I think for now disaster is averted!
Guest#2 Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 I hope you all don't mind me using this thread for my own personal motivation. I just feel like there are a lot of understanding souls here. Pointers are welcome. I was an idiot and made direct eye contact. I had been feeling very good this past month or so. Really confident and strong. I dated. I slept at night. Life was good. Then *sigh* I started feeling sorry for MM. He appeared depressed and sad. We had a great friendship before he started hanging all over me and I figured he missed being pals. I wanted to show him we could still be pals and keep space between us. I wanted to show him that yes, I am listening. One flash of eye contact during polite f***ing conversation... I have come to the conclusion that I am an idiot, ruled by my sex organs. True, he has the biggest, bluest, most expressive eyes I've ever gazed into. Eyes that say "God, I love you so much. Come back to me. I want you." The bastard has to know what he is doing, but he does everything with such an air of naive innocence that it's easy to believe he means it. At my desk he basically draped himself over me, and though I was essentially trapped into physical contact, though honestly "trapped" didn't even enter my mind, as I wanted it and *sigh* I enjoyed it. The smell of him, his breath against my ear and my hair, teasing me, gazing at me, laughing at all my stupid jokes. I'm a real sucker for that sh*t. Even though I tell myself over and over that he's not on my mind, I know that the reason I don't feel into any other guy that shows interest in me is because I'm sexually stuck on him. Sex rules my brain. If I can't feel sexual vibes for someone I can't feel interest. And at this time he is still my fantasy. I would do him every which way till Sunday if he was single. Dammit, I hate thinking these thoughts. Judging from the way he kept looking at me it's only a matter of time before disaster strikes. This is why I will never, EVER look into those hypnotic limpid pools of lust EVER AGAIN! He is committed to his family and I know that although he whines about his wife I'm sure he loves her or he wouldn't have married her. Even if he didn't love her he could never bear to be separated from his child. All I would get out of this is a sordid, scummy situation. I would have to share him. The thought of him dipping his wick in one place and then dipping it into me thoroughly grosses me out. Sooooo......God give me strength. Remember that if he appears sad and broken and talks to you in that hopelessly adorable sad voice that it is all just a game to insure that his ego continues to be stroked. He knows you're lusting after him - he caught you staring at his ass. Just whatever you do, don't look into the eyes. If you can't be his pal on your terms, you can't be his pal, period. Right? Right.
Author freakygal78 Posted August 29, 2006 Author Posted August 29, 2006 Man, Guest #2 - that was a rather overzealous post! I'm sorry you feel so hopeless in your situation really. Who could have thought that his eyes would entrance you so. It sounds almost tragic. No, really - I totally understand. Are you sure you're not someone I know...? The situation is awfully familiar!? lol. Anyways - here's hoping you are able to resist him - sounds like he's playing all the dirty tricks he can on you - At least you are aware of them and can do something about it STARE STRAIGHT AHEAD!!!
inarut Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Isn't that the truth! Like an idiot, I broke NC after 2 weeks when I promised myself I was done. After being out with the girls and feeling tipsy I called him. He told me that someone was asking questions about our 'relationship' and he was getting a little freaked out. I said I did not mention anything to that person. I said I would like to see him and he said he would call me later. Well he never called so of course I was upset. I called him the next day and left him a message saying that I felt like he was playing with my head and that I've always been honest with him about my feelings for him and that he's turned me into an insecure little girl. I told him not to call me and that I just needed to get that off my chest. I also called my cousin (his friend and the only one who knows about our 'relationship') to see if he said anything to anyone. He said no and that my MM/FWB has been feeding me lines of BS and telling everyone that I am stalking him. How can I be stalking him when we talk once every 2 weeks sometimes 3 weeks??? He told them that we've only been together once and now I won't leave him alone. What he failed to mention to them is that we have been together several times and that I asked him on MANY occasions 'how do you want to handle this situation between us'? He came right out and said it's fine to call him to meet. At one point I told him that I can not do this anymore because it's humiliating that I always need to call him. He said I shouldn't feel that way and that he wanted to see me. What he really wanted was to be together ONLY if we saw each other out not by making arrangements. If he would have been honest and told me that in the beginning I think it would have been easier not to develop feelings for him. Do men actually think we are robots and have no emotions (LIKE THEM). I am so mad because I will definitely see him again and I just want to ring his neck. My cousin said that I need to cut all contact with him (YA THINK!!). My big thing is that there are people out there that think I am some 'fatal attraction' and it's just not true. I don't know what to do.......I know I should just drop it but it's just eating at me. Any suggestions??? I have not been here in a while but I need some insight into this crazy situatuion I got myself into. Actually, I am not in it anymore (thank god) but I don't understand something. Come to find out my MM/FWB is avoiding me at all costs. I really don't understand this because basically I was calling him every couple of weeks TO HAVE SEX. I know that sounds horrible but that's all it was. He's making it sound like I was trying to plan a life together. I told a mutual friend to let him know that there are no hard feelings (but of course I am a little hurt) and let's forget the whole things with us happened. I said we've know each other too long to just stop speaking. A friend of mine made the comment that if she was this guy, I would be her perfect girl. Basically someone who wants to be with you sexually with no commitment. She thinks that he started to have feeling for me and that's why he is acting the way he is. He doesn't want to look like this sensitive guy to his buddies so he's turning everything around and making me look like the stalker. What do you guys think? I just keep thinking about everything and can't figure out why he is going to such extremes to avoid him. I fell like he thinks I tried to boil one of his pets!! HA HA
Author freakygal78 Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 Inarut, not sure what your sitch is now but men whether S or M are complicated creatures. Maybe he WAS developing feelings for you maybe he was sensing that you were developing feelings for him and thought things might get ugly. I've had SGs skip out of the situation for exactly the latter reason. It's easy to make the woman look like the crazy one. It's such a double standard, if a man engages in a sexual relationship with no strings attached he is a stud, if a woman does, she is a whore. If a man is the one pursuing a woman it is seen as macho and basically his birth-right, if a woman is pursuing the man, then she is crazy and therefore is treated like some kind of nutty stalker even if it is for friendship. It's just wrong and don't let anyone make you feel that way. Besides if he is sharing these personal activities with his buddies you have to question his character right? Anyway, my 2c worth, I'm sure I don't know enough about the situation to judge accurately. A little update on my situation: I have now met a SG at work who I am dating and rather happy with and MM has returned from vacation a little baffled about it all. Not that he has any claim on me as his is the one who is married! He has made attempts to sustain my interest in him just subtly - eye contact and conversation mainly. I have 12 1/2 weeks to go there so I'm not letting it worry me so much - just keeping things professional and cordial with him really. I really want my situation with SG to work and so I'm very wary of any relapses. SG is aware of the situation or rather the aftermath which it is now...(no more song exchanging etc. lol) and makes his presence in my life quite well known. I would rather somebody be possessive of me and genuinely care about me though than have someone mess with my mind and for this reason I am quite happy with my new R (hence my absence on here for several weeks!). I am still fond of MM and will probably always have a soft spot for him but my unhealthy interest in him could and will not continue. I'm trying to be strong and forge a happy, healthy R with my new SG both he and I deserve that - wish me luck!
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