freakygal78 Posted August 13, 2006 Posted August 13, 2006 I have known this MM for approximately 7 months since I started working in a new job. I will try to give you the abridged version of how this apparent 'emotional affair' began. I noticed this attractive but very attached older male in the office who one week after me starting there I 'felt' rather than noticed staring at the back of my head, surely enough when I turned around he was staring at me intrigued more than anything. I wrote it off as a MM having a good perv but then noticed the glances becoming more frequent and intense and sometimes even bemused at my solemnity in performing my job well. I had a boyfriend myself at the time so I guess I tried to avoid his gazes but whenever I was alone with him or near him he would assault me with his lustful gazes which were of course subconsciously being returned by me. I knew it was wrong but because we barely talked or had any interaction other than that which was obviously work-related I felt like it was a harmless like 'thrill' in both our days. I broke up with my bf for our own reasons eventually but I seemed to enjoy the attention as I was alone and had no other romantic interest queued up. One day we all went for drinks for a workmate's send-off and he stared at me relentlessly while I spoke to other men (I work with 98% men so this is largely unavoidable). I don't consider myself hugely flirtatious but I am a sociable person. Everyone left back for work but after staying on there with a workmate and 4 wines, I went back to the office a little tipsy and made a HUGE mistake of on a whim emailing him 'I think you are soooo hot! - but I'm sure you already know this, please don't tell anyone about this email as I will lose my job' I realise how immature and stupid that was and how I was opening a Pandora's Box but I really was not thinking. I remember him grinning stupidly all afternoon and discreetly asking me if I was alright at the photocopier. I didn't do anything for a week but avoid him and then finally a week later I emailed him to apologise for my silly comment and told him I had been delerious when I wrote it. I wish I could rewind back to this point. I realise my responsibility here for planting a seed but little did I know how treacherous the path would be that I would tread with him since! He wrote back and said 'that's OK, I took it as a compliment' and I told him I was really embarrassed and could we please forget about it - 'Done.' he wrote back. After that the intense looks only increased on his part and sometimes I got quite distracted as I found it hard to concentrate on my work. I emailed him and said 'sometimes the way you look at me makes it difficult to concentrate on my work' and also admitted that I was attracted to him (stupid again in hindsight) but realised he had a partner and small child and so it was frustrating for me especially when he looked at me in that manner. He never admitted to doing it but replied only 'thank you for your understanding I just hope it is not TOO frustrating for you..'. And I thought that was that and that he was being quite sincere. Well it wasn't until I saw him at after work drinks (quite a rarity for him) again on a Friday some weeks or even months later that the eye contact re-commenced so intensely I thought I was going to burst if I didn't touch him - somehow I ended up chatting to him in a group of guys I worked with. I had to reach up and talk right into his ear to answer some of the questions he asked as it was quite loud. I could smell his cologne wafting off his neck and my lips accidentally touched his ear as I tried to communicate with him over the din - this was one of those moments where I think we just buzzed with electricity being so close to each other there was just so much chemistry. It could not have escaped the notice of our workmates either. I left eventually and had a workmate escort me to a cab after picking up my gym bag from work with him. MM decided to leave or perhaps incidentally see where I had got to as our paths crossed and I assured him I was catching a cab home (alone) so he said goodnight politely and walked toward the train station. My cab passed right up next to him as he walked up the hill and I felt like this was the only time I could 'talk to him' so I made a very cinematic stunt and told the cab driver to pull over and then followed him (he hadn't seen me get out of the cab mind you) I told him that I decided to catch a train instead and had 'bumped into him'. He brought up the fact that I usually catch a bus and asked why I wasn't catching one instead so I told him that they don't run to my area that late and that my house was only 10 mins walk from the station, it was cheaper than a cab etc. I don't think I had him fooled as to why I had come to the train station with him. We were both a bit tipsy but not too tipsy - stupidly I assumed from all the body language that he wanted me and so I went for the kill....I leaned forward and tried to kiss him. (By this stage I think even Mother Theresa would have been tempted - Yes, I do have morals and have never had feelings for anyone attached let alone pursued them but these feelings don't exist in a vacuum and certainly not without encouragement.) He backed away and I can't say I wasn't a little surprised as he had given me so much encouragement I was almost powerless to resist him anymore - let me just say I was living in a fantasy world of infatuation with im by this stage - something had to give. So I told him I felt so humiliated and that I thought he felt the same way about me - I said 'Are you a born flirt or something?' 'Why do you look at me that way?' 'Don't you LOVE your wife?' It was very crushing especially when all indications of his interest had been obvious physically to me. So instead of rushing off into the night we started talking about me and my previous relationships (including my failed marrriage) and life experiences which led me to where I am now - hopelessly commitment-phobic and destined to be alone (IMO anyhow). We had been standing a while so I suggested we sit down on a bench or something if he wanted to continue to have a D&M with me at 8pm after several drinks so we sat in a nearby McDonalds (tacky a location as it was). So over scattered wrappers we talked about him and me and how he would never cheat on his partner as his ex-partner cheated on him for three months before he ever found out and it felt terrible. Also that he liked me and that I was 'nice' and I was different but he saw me as a friend and he would not take advantage of the situation. I said I had to admit I would fantasise about what it would be like to be with him etc. but since I had been married for nearly 4 years before, I knew that crushes on other people would develop and that you could not really act on them etc. Except in this case I couldn't see it. He asked me about my ambitions etc and I noticed it was getting rather late and he'd missed his train and then the next one after that and sitting across from the man I wanted more than anything to touch was so wonderful but painful at the same time as he had basically told me there was no chance whatsoever and so therefore no outlet for my feelings and this was so bitter for me to hear. I told him he should go home to his family several times and looked at my watch but he seemed comfortable chatting to me. He kept staring at me with his huge brown eyes staring into my face the whole time. He kept telling me one day I would find someone for me and I would feel totally differently and even went so far (cruelly I thought) to say he would come to my wedding then. I felt so thoroughly crushed he could be so objective when there obviously was a flicker of something there. I told him again he should go home as he wife would be wondering where he is. He didn't seem too concerned however as he had the alibi of drinks with workmates of course. So as much as it tore my heart out, I said goodbye to him - he was staring at me before he departed and I was staring back at him and neither of us wanted to leave...the eye contact would not break - so I said 'can I have a hug?' (stoopid, yes) and so he leaned down and hugged me platonically enough but it just lasted a tad too long and was a bit too tight - I was so sad after that I grasped his hand and we looked at each other and I let go of his hand slowly, turned on my heel and walked off with my head high (trying to sustain any kind of dignity I had left). The Monday after he put on a note on my desk in front of me asking me to meet him after work as there is something he wanted to get off his chest. He obviously didn't trust me enough to email it to me. So I said 'OK sure' I was sure it wasn't an amorous overture due to the content of our talk on Friday night. We met at 5 near my gym and he went to great lengths to stress he was never flirting with me and that if he DID ever look my way it was because he noticed me more since I told him I was attracted to him as it was a pretty 'wicked' feeling after being with his wife for eight years to have someone say that to him. So here I am thinking he is all sincere and wants to absolved himself of guilt by telling me this. Then a workmate walked past. I think we both felt rather uncomfortable being seen out of work like that together. Things went back to normal after that - he said he still wanted our 'jibes' at each other and emails which he'd starting sending to me in his language for me to translate (for fun?) to continue and he looked quite wounded the Friday night before when I suggested we keep our emails strictly business from thereon as it was becoming too confusing for me. So I'm trying to mantain my composure for weeks since not staring at him too much but still exchanging the odd friendly (usually work-related) email - he asked me one day what music I was listening to on my headphones and then I found out weeks later he'd gone and looked up the lyrics to most of this band's songs as he quoted an 'appropriate' lyric of theirs in an email. That's when I decided things were starting to seem a bit fishy and cross over the line of this supposed one-sided attraction/friendship. I confronted him about the music thing and he wrote back 'let's just say you've pierced my skin' (there is a running joke with him about me being a vampire as I am Eastern European). So of course this and his further flattery calling me a 'pretty lady' in his langauge and telling me I should continue with my studies etc and pursue my ambitions in emails made things unbearable again as this only served to inflame my feelings for him again. I emailed him two weeks ago to say I'm starting to date other men as I wanted to divert my attention somewhere appropriate and he has heard evidence of my dates when talking to other people but instead of stepping aside gracefully like a married man (albeit one addicted to a daily ego boost) with an 'unwanted' admirer should, it seems he has only stepped up his efforts as he has been overly attentive and has started sending me some of his music via email. The first of it was some metal (which he knows I also enjoy) although the tone of it was rather angsty and sexual? I thought I was projecting these qualities onto the music till he sent me a rather intimate Portishead track last friday one hour before finishing. He knew I was going out for drinks with friends that night so he probably thought he'd hit me where it hurts just so I would not be able to stop thinking about him all weekend - well it worked! He also said to me 'I think I'm starting to sprout devil horns just like you have vampire fangs' and so I emailed him to ask him what he meant by this and said he had a couple more Portishead songs running through his head and that he should stop thinking about these and then his horns would retract? Wow, that was rather forward for him. It is obvious he has f*cked with my head already with all the denial and pretense of innocence but these actions are just so intense they are scaring me - I looked up the songs he was thinking of and they're two of the most seductive tracks on the album - whatever he is doing - it's highly innappropriate for a married man to be doing this but what is happening is that he is successfully sucking me into his vortex - I know I should run far far away but it's hard when you have ambivalent feelings like this. My friend said she thinks now I'm not paying attention to him he's trying to get it back from me. It's obvious - but he is being rather aggressive about it - seducing me aurally no less! lol. How do I get out of this? I know I'm already in too deep emotionally but don't want this to get ugly (or physical) - much less ruin his family etc. Both our contracts finish in December and he is going on a family vacation OS for 2 weeks in 2 and a 1/2 weeks time. Is he looking for some cheap jolies before he leaves at my expense??? If anyone can shed some light on this sitch I'd be rather grateful. Sorry for the long post - felt it necessary to paint the picture accurately. (Paragraphs for above created by moderator from a massive block of gray type.)
whichwayisup Posted August 13, 2006 Posted August 13, 2006 He has NO intention of leaving his wife....And you allowing this to go on and on and on ... STOP playing the game. You're feeding his ego. He loves the attention and that is NOT LOVE. It's lust...That is all. So, continue down this road ... See how your feelings grow for him and his doesn't. I don't think you want to be his play toy - That's how he's treating you!! Don't let him DO that to you anymore!
BUTAFLY Posted August 13, 2006 Posted August 13, 2006 What you have is a mm with a conscience. Unlike mine who was a straight up sociopath. He knows what he is doing is wrong, but he can't deny the attraction so if he drops hints and gets you chasing him then he feels less guilt. He gets off knowing that he is the object of your affection. A younger women finds him disirable and he is eating it up. If you allow him to continue these head games, theres no dout it will get physical. If you want to walk away with your head held high, cut and run now. Yes...I know its difficult...Yes i know he's not playing fair, but you have to 'flip the script'. Start talking about your dates with him. Talk about other men-ask him opinions about guys/dates. This will drive him crazy because he know he is loosing your attention and he won't pursue 100% because he knows its wrong. Eventually the whole sexual tention thing will fizzle and he will soon be on vacation and you will have time to regroup and focus while he's gone. It's gonna be hard but you have to be a good actress, indifference is the key. Good luck. B
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted August 13, 2006 Posted August 13, 2006 Hi! Wow! Your post reads like a romance novel! I'm going to comment because this guy sounds like my MM! Yes, he's is playing with your head. He likes head games - he gets off on them MORE THAN having physical contacts with you. (Let me guess, his zodiac sign is one of the following: gemini or libra). I suggest that you forget about him. He will not want any more from you other than playing the sexual head games, watching you, and knowing how you feel about him. He is satisfied with these because he has a pretty active imagination. You, on the other hand, wants something physical. He will never give you that because he won't enjoy it - the guilt consumes all his pleasure there. You sound like a highly intelligent woman, albeit very naive and honest. If you are the vengeful type, play the game right back at him... with a plan, of course! But this can be dangerous, and requires a lot of confidence and self-control on your part. You really have to treat it as a game. Above all, remember your goal and don't ever allow yourself to fall in love with him or have any sympathy for him. He will NEVER fall in love with you ... or anyone for that matter. He won't allow himself to do that ... and he's INCAPABLE of having such emotions. (Trust me on this.) If you simply want to put an end to this cat-and-mouse game, put him on ignore and be courteous but cold to him - this will be the kindest way of letting him down. He will leave you alone if he can't derive any emotions from you. Please keep posting. I'd like to hear more from you. You sound like a really honest person, but one who is extremely vulnerable to romantic gestures... like me.
norajane Posted August 13, 2006 Posted August 13, 2006 Well, you pursued him pretty aggressively, and now you're upset because he's flirting with you and you're falling for it and getting 'seduced'? Did you never learn that married men are off limits? Maybe now you'll understand why you should stick to that rule. The only thing to do now is to ignore his flirtation, and cool the friendship. I don't think you should be talking to him about who you're seeing or whatever. Keep things professional, and cut out all the personal crap.
Author freakygal78 Posted August 14, 2006 Author Posted August 14, 2006 I wanted to thank everyone for their time to read through my tiresome post and respond from a variety of POVs. It's true he is using me as his psychological 'play-toy' and messing with me to perpetuate his ego trip. I know NOW just how responsible I am for this - although now push has come to shove and the sexual tension has reached boiling point and he is pulling all the dirty moves he can think of, it's making me realise I have created a monster - although he cannot deny responsibility - any MM who has a single girl follow them to a train station to confront them should realise any 'innocent' flirting has got WAY out of hand. But no, he wants to play on it and I can't think of any more of a bastard of a thing to do to get under someone's skin than to send them the Portishead song 'Mourning Air' when they are trying to get over you. So this morning I read all of your advice before work and even thought about the playing him 'vindictively' comment (if I'm able) but I'm afraid this would just inflame his efforts more so I took on the ignore advice - which I hate to say I've tried before for weeks on end and it just ends up fuelling his charming tactics so that finally I cave in to giving him attention by responding back to his email or whatever. So today I did not email him, I did not look his way at all and finally he came to the copier near my desk which wasn't working and suggested he should smash it with a sledgehammer like the one he used on the weekend to dig up a trough in the front of his house (I think he wanted to leave me with the visual) - nice work! The weekly meeting was insufferable with both of us fidgeting guiltily. Finally at the end of the day I stayed back to catch up on some work - I know he usually leaves at 5 but he stayed back also (he never stays back) as he perhaps sensed I was trying to avoid 'bumping' into him on the way out - he visited the copier numerous times after 5 and came up and gave me his most charming smile while trying to make small talk. It's very difficult when ignoring someone makes them step up the effort - please help me - continue to give me some useful advice as this is going to destroy me for the next 4 months! I have started smoking again and drink mid-week on my own at home for goodness sakes - it's getting me so down! I would try to date more guys but I just can't give them an honest effort when I'm emotionally and mentally not focussed clearly yet. I can't use them as a crutch - it's not fair. Also I'm not sure at this stage if he would ever take it to a physical level (or try to rather) he said he believes once you cheat on a partner, it destroys all trust and that is the end of the relationship - unfortunately perhaps he views this purely in the physical sense!
norajane Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 He can't take it to a physical level with you if you don't let him. Go out with your girlfriends and have fun - you need to stop fantasizing about this guy and whatever stupid music he's sending you. Get your mind on other things. You don't have to start dating other guys if you don't want to, but certainly get out of the house and out of your head. You're focusing on this too much.
whichwayisup Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 Stop feeding his ego that way the "games" of his power trip will end. You have so much more control than you realize and the fact you KNOW he's not really "into" you except sexually should be insulting! He isn't worth it and the good feelings he may bring out in you - Short term - is just going to make you feel bad later. NJ is right, you're focussing too much on him! He isn't worthy of your thoughts, let alone the attention!
Author freakygal78 Posted August 14, 2006 Author Posted August 14, 2006 Haha! Geez - you think? It's a hard addiction to break - as some of you may well know - every day I wake up though, I have more resolve - your words are like my armour for the day - I won't let him manipulate me! I know he only feels about me in that way sexually - it IS insulting - I'm an intelligent person and he's reducing me to bimbo status. Sure he enjoys my witty repartee but again this doesn't count for much at the end of the day! I think if he approaches my desk again numerous times, I will just remove myself from the situation and get up and walk off, that should give him the message. I have a drinks evening for work on Thursday night I have to attend - he will be there - he was 2nd to RSVP - I think I will have to play 'dodge the married man' all night. Eeek! I will be ok - as long as I don't bump into him after the event. I know that I have the power to stop it from becoming physical. I guess I dont so much trust his intentions now or myself obviously...it's like playing with fire - never did I appreciate this saying so much till now. OK I'll focus on other things, music, friends also....great!
Touche Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 Look, I had a similar situation when I was working. It was a client of mine. He used to call about business but would hang on just to chat with me. It got worse and worse with longer and longer calls and requests for me to visit his business when I really didn't need to. I finally told him one day..I said "I like you. You're a good client and you've become a friend but it's innapropriate. You're married and I'm married and this friendship is a slippery slope. I hope you take no offense and that you understand what I'm saying." I was shaking in my boots when I told him but he backed off immediately. He apologized up and down and left and right and told me he'd stop. And he did. So why not just be direct? Why play "Dodge the Married Guy" or whatever game you mentioned?
Author freakygal78 Posted August 15, 2006 Author Posted August 15, 2006 I was shaking in my boots when I told him but he backed off immediately. He apologized up and down and left and right and told me he'd stop. And he did. So why not just be direct? Why play "Dodge the Married Guy" or whatever game you mentioned? Yes this is wonderful advice although for this confrontation to occur, I would have to meet him out of work as there is virtually no privacy amongst 60 men and 1 woman there. And conspiring to meet a married man out of work could backfire if anyone were to catch on....he put a note in front of me last time and ppl caught on to the fact that we were 'sneaking around' out of work. Maybe I can try it Thursday night at the drinks and discretely have a chat with him there? I don't want any sh*t to go down....he could always complain about me if things go bitter although I have kept his incriminating emails that he has sent me and so I'm sure he would not want our boss and/or his wife to find out. I might be naive in some ways still and easily manipulated but I'm not stoopid....I think calling a truce of sorts would be fair considering he'd be equally f*cked if I were to be totally honest about his actions. On a lighter note, things have become a LOT easier at work - I realised Yes! I do have some power here to not let him affect me - he is realising slowly that I'm hip to his games and although he tried several times today to bait me, I was fine and confident and didn't let him get to me. I realised how much my self esteem has slipped since I've been letting him 'puppet-master' me. I have looked into going back to further studies next year today and also possibly changing jobs because frankly I don't need this kind of head-f*ck and I deserve better. Like a friend told me I should not let my va-va-jay control me! Haha!
PoshPrincess Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 Well done Freakygal, you can do it! When I read that he'd told you he couldn't cheat I thought, "So, there are some good guys out there then!" and wished that my MM had said that in the beginning then I wouldn't be in the mess I'M in. Thing is, your MM still carried on flirting with you, even heavier than usual. He obviously likes you but feels this is a safe thing to do as not technically cheating so he doesn't feel guilty. Unfortunately this is how a lot of EMAs start. As you've been told by some of the other girls here, you're just feeding his (already pretty inflated) ego. You deserve better (as we all do). I know it's hard when you have such strong feelings for someone but no good will ever come of this situation. As for the drinks, probably best to avoid him altogether, well, as much as you can as you obviously still have to act professionally. Don't drink too much as alcohol always fuels the flame (take it from me!) As for the smoking and drinking alone midweek, I have been doing the same for a year now which is SO not good. I never used to be a smoker and am desperately trying to stop now. Can't believe a man has driven me to this. Can barely remember a day when I haven't consumed some sort of alcoholic drink although last night was a first for a long time. Hang on in there. He 'needs' your attention but certainly doesn't deserve it!!!
Author freakygal78 Posted August 16, 2006 Author Posted August 16, 2006 Well despite my best intentions, I was a mess last night still after I wrote my post. I drank a whole bottle of wine and chain smoked. I had a friend come over and told her all this stuff - I remember telling her it would take me at least 2 years to sort my head out from this. I have learnt so much from other ppl's posts I have been reading - and a lot about the conscious and subconscious psychological dynamics at play here. (Ironically I have a psychology degree but cannot apply it to myself here!) I would hate to think that my future r'ships would be based on these kind of push-pull gameplay tactics. I guess I'm like the junkie who is in withdrawal and after 2 days of ignoring him for the best part and having him dangle the occasional 'carrot' in front of me, I'm starting to cave. I guess when someone desires you, it is a powerful aphrodisiac - in his case because I'm younger and single, and in my case it was because he was unnattainable and attractive. Now he is 'showing' signs of longing rather than just 'harmless' flirtation it is like someone has come a long and added a whole bunch of fuel to a small flame. It is torturing me because deep in the back of my mind is that little devil that says 'go on, just see how far it will go' Pathetic! I feel like a fly pinned down fighting to get free - the exquisite pain is so intense. I'm really struggling what I know is wrong but it takes time. I'm trying to get on top of this now because imagine the withdrawals I will be in when he is away for two weeks? I am not sure how I will react - will I be a total mess? I really hope not. Drinks night tommorrow night - I'm so apprehensive about it - but then again it may just be a non-issue... Lyrics to a song he said he had 'running through his head' Now it has become the theme song to my waking moment *sigh* I don't want to hurt you For no reason have I but fear And I ain't guilty of the crimes you accuse me of But I'm guilty of fear I'm sorry to remind You but I'm scared of what we're creating This life ain't fair You don't get something for nothing, turn now Mmmm gotta try a little harder
PoshPrincess Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 Lyrics to a song he said he had 'running through his head' Now it has become the theme song to my waking moment *sigh* I don't want to hurt you For no reason have I but fear And I ain't guilty of the crimes you accuse me of But I'm guilty of fear I'm sorry to remind You but I'm scared of what we're creating This life ain't fair You don't get something for nothing, turn now Mmmm gotta try a little harder What is it with music, eh? It does my head in big time. My MM and me were always comparing song lyrics to our relationship. I've always been like that but it was q surprising, though v flattering, coming from a man. Thing is, I hear songs now that have been around for years and I've never given them a second thought - all of a sudden these lyrics jump out at me and make me think of him and our situation. Sounds like you had a nightmare night last night but tonight will be the big one! Try and be strong. Let being the one in control make you feel like you've got a bit of power! That way you've got the upper hand.
Author freakygal78 Posted August 16, 2006 Author Posted August 16, 2006 Yes totally innocent sounding songs take on a much more sordid meaning now...it's crap but yes gratifying when a man is as much of a 'lyrics freak' as you. I think the music is his medium for communication now...I will try my best tommorrow night to act the 'untouchable' aloof female and hope he doesn't stare into my eyes at point blank range like he did yesterday. *phew* I'm certain he's teasing me into making a move on him again so that then he can deny responsibility - he is really twisted...how much can you rile someone up??? It's cruel...and he loves it...
Author freakygal78 Posted August 17, 2006 Author Posted August 17, 2006 Well the drinks night was a total non event. i had nothing to worry about. My boss quit his job today I'm thinking of quitting mine I just got so much crap from other people today I'm not sure yet. It's not fair he gets to go on his lovely vacation and there I am being villified for having a friendship with him with no real repurcussions for him. He's just becoming less and less attractive because now people are catching onto what's going on and giving him sh*t. It's becoming increasingly obvious how little how little he thinks of me. I think my best bet is to leave this job ASAP and leave with some degree of dignity intact. I'm sure his wife would not like to get the emails he sent me though and I have saved them all in case people would think this is all my doing....need some advice here as I'm well over it now or at least angry at him for compromising my reputation while he seems the victim in all this. It's Friday tommorrow though so it may not seem so bad tommorrow but all this is really wearing thin - this guy has no integrity or loyalty apart from his own ego.
newbby Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 well.. whilst i think he has since led you on, obviously because he is enjoying the ego boost, i think generally he seems like an ok guy. it sounds as though he intitally wanted to be kind to you, and help you to find your own way and realise why you were after a mm who was unavailable to you. since then he has obviously not wanted to lose you, because it was making him feel good. the fact is that he didnt lie to you, and you should take what he said first as fact. that he was happily married and would not cheat on his wife. mm who want to have affairs are generally not this honest. what you are experiencing now, would only get much worse were something to happen between you. he is in lust with you as wwiu said, but it isnt really a compliment is it? i hope you find a nice sg, and leave this guy alone. its not worth it.
Author freakygal78 Posted August 17, 2006 Author Posted August 17, 2006 I hear what you are saying newbby and no he didn't lie to me but he was still disrepectful towards his wife and so actually I do think he lied to her by omission only to allow the ego boost to continue. You can't justify what he has done by saying a single girl 'wore him down' a man of integrity wouldn't have encouraged it. Anyways it's too late. Last night was horrible, once people were drunk, they made sexual innuendo all night in my presence. It just made me want to commit hari kari. Well a great life lesson here and poor married man is just a victim of his lust....my only option is to leave now. You know most people don't start out wanting to have affairs - the heart gets involved and unfortunately men don't know when to stop reciprocating. It escalates from there till you just lose your reason. I don't 'need' to find a single guy as a panacea to my problems as I would just be destroying his life with my own emotional difficulties right now. I have a commitment phobia and I realise now after years that this is what I need to address. I think some time alone would be a good thing till I heal.
newbby Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 good plan, i too had a commitment phobia. i think more than anything, i just grew out of it, but i also found someone who doesnt aggravate it. i worked on myself alot in other ways, more spiritual than psychological, and i think this played a great part in healing me. good luck to you.
Author freakygal78 Posted August 19, 2006 Author Posted August 19, 2006 Newbby, I would very much like to think I will grow out of it but after a divorce 5 years ago, I think the pattern is very much set. I fear damaging perfectly good people because of my ambivalence and insecurities. I have a long road to travel I realise that. An update on the situation - the difficulties at work with the mud-slinging have intensified and I was very depressed and ready to leave yesterday. MM could tell I was very down and tried to make small talk with me on and off throughout the day when he was near my desk. If anything I thought he'd try to stay away because of all the crap going on. Mid-afternoon he emails me a song by The Cure called 'Lullaby'. I thought to myself 'What? Is this man bent?' He wrote 'Here is a song for a Friday afternoon thought it might make you smile'. So I listen to it. It had the following lyrics in it: quietly he laughs and shaking his head creeps closer now closer to the foot of the bed and softer than shadow and quicker than flies his arms are all around me and his tongue in my eyes "be still be calm be quiet now my precious boy don't struggle like that or i will only love you more for it's much too late to get away or turn on the light the spiderman is having you for dinner tonight" What the hey? Is he trying to mess with my head or just trying to tell me something about myself with these songs? I told him I felt like leaving work as it had become so miserable and he responds by saying that towards the end projects people have a lot of pressure and sometimes act and react in stupid ways (in re: to the gossip). I have no idea here whether he is trying to be a genuine friend in the situation after all or if he is trying to manipulate me to stay/further furnish his ego trip. I feel like screaming at him 'do you know that what is happening here is an EA??? Why do you keep torturing me???' Can anyone please shed some light on what they think is going on. It IS in my best interests to stay as I get a hefty bonus if I stay till the end of the project in December but I want to know I'm doing it for the right reasons.
newbby Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 just ignore him. tell him that you cannot speak with him anymore as you are emotionally involved. if he doesnt respect that, then he is in the wrong, and he couldnt argue with that.
BUTAFLY Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 YOU GO NO WHERE. Don't quit! Don't let them run you off! You do your job, do it well, collect your pay and go home! I delt with a sociopath like your MM. They live off the attention and the only way to kill them is to deprive them of that. People at work talked about me too. They all thought I knew he was engaged while I was dating him, that I didn't care and therefore I diserved what I got. I would get snickers, stares, the women thought I was a "homewrecker". The men were envious of him and telling him way to go, like I was an achievement. I was the villian and while he was the 'typical guy' just doing what men do. The day I found out he was engaged I did get physically ill and left work. But after that I pulled up my boot straps and marched in their everyday, fought off his advances, fought off other mm advances(they now think they have a shot) and fought off womens judgemental stares. I did not let them run me off and soon enough I would be old news.
Guest Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 You should stay in your job. I don't think that he means to torture you, but he's a very self-centered man and I don't think that he fully understands how you are feeling. Be strong.
lovernotafighter Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 I know this off subject but the title of this thread makes me laugh every time I visit this forum..so true this rings!
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