drownindreams Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 Hey all. Recently I've met this man who really has rocked my world--intelligent, fun to be around, a good conversationist and we share a lot of similar interests. I would really like to be more than just friends. Of course, as I always have ill-timing, he has a girlfriend. Although strangely enough, they aren't very affectionate (as far as I have observed) with each other, and he has never brought her up in the course of conversation. However, he HAS started talking/hanging out with me more, inviting me to do things with him, expressing interest in things that I am doing, and being generally "close" as far as friends go. We flirt subtly, but persistently. I am unsure what's going on--I don't know the status of their relationship (whether it's open, distant, close, what), and I'm not sure what his intentions are. I am afraid of broaching the question, because if I do I'll come off as trying to break them up. That's not what I want--although I would leap at the chance if he became single. It's selfish, but I want this man to myself. I suppose I should sit tight and be a good friend (as I have been, although grudgingly), but does anyone have some advice? Is there some line here--trying to become closer in hopes I will tip the scales in my favor? What do you think?
whichwayisup Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 Doesn't it tell you what sort of person he is, if he cheats on his girlfriend? I mean, if they're having problems, let him break up with her before getting involved with you. Remember - If you help him cheat on his girlfriend, and their relationship ends...You'll never really fully trust him 100%. If he cheats on her, he'll likely cheat on you as well. It's just not a smart way of starting off a relationship. If I were you, I would distance yourself from him completely. You really don't know for sure if he just wants some fun on the side (meaning, maybe things are okay with his girlfriend and he's feeding you a lie...) or if he is serious about ending it with her. Back off, leave him be. Think of his girlfriend! It IS selfish to go after another woman's husband or boyfriend. Live your life, keep busy and if he is meant to be with you, let it happen when the timing is RIGHT, not because you "want" him for yourself. That is selfish.
Sand&Water Posted August 13, 2006 Posted August 13, 2006 Of course, as I always have ill-timing, he has a girlfriend. He has a girlfriend. What don't you understand? You should (& I suggest) just continue being good friends with him. Enjoy the friendship, while it lasts. Although strangely enough, they aren't very affectionate (as far as I have observed) with each other, and he has never brought her up in the course of conversation. You don't know for sure, do you? They could be going through a rough 'bump' in their relationship, and are trying to patch the situation. No one knows the "overall compatibility", other than the two partners involved. You should not try to fuel his distractions, as it might tip the scale. Stay calm, and perhaps in due time you may get the chance to hook up with him once he is a free man.
norajane Posted August 13, 2006 Posted August 13, 2006 You'll save yourself a world of wondering and waiting and yo-yoing if you just step back and pay attention to the single guys. Do you really have so much time and energy that you're willing to throw it away on some guy who isn't available?
Adunaphel Posted August 13, 2006 Posted August 13, 2006 It's selfish, but I want this man to myself. I suppose I should sit tight and be a good friend (as I have been, although grudgingly), but does anyone have some advice? Is there some line here--trying to become closer in hopes I will tip the scales in my favor? What do you think? Wouldn't you feel unconfortable, pretending you are his friend when it is not friendship you are interested in? Asking him about his relationship would be okay, IMO. It's just asking. But if he has a gf and acts towards you in a way that makes you wonder what his intentions are, then he's not a guy worth dating.
Craig Posted August 13, 2006 Posted August 13, 2006 Lets say that you do land this man for yourself and then one day he is not as affectionate as you would like, doesn't do the things he used to do and is spending time away from you. At that point aren't you going to be wondering who he is subtly but persistently flirting with?
lindya Posted August 13, 2006 Posted August 13, 2006 Lets say that you do land this man for yourself and then one day he is not as affectionate as you would like, doesn't do the things he used to do and is spending time away from you. At that point aren't you going to be wondering who he is subtly but persistently flirting with? Exactly. Although strangely enough, they aren't very affectionate (as far as I have observed) with each other, You shouldn't assume that the behaviour he demonstrates to her in front of you corresponds with what goes on in private. If he's flirting with you, then he's very likely to feel inhibited about showing his gf affection in front of you. Be cautious. Why is he remaining in this relationship if it isn't making him happy? There's always the risk that he's simply setting you up as a stepping stone away from a relationship he's ambivalent about...or a commitment he's afraid of making. We flirt subtly, but persistently...I'm not sure what his intentions are. I am afraid of broaching the question, because if I do I'll come off as trying to break them up. That's not what I want--although I would leap at the chance if he became single. It would be far more honest and principled to ask him straight out about the relationship with his girlfriend than it is to continue building on this chemistry that's occurred between the two of you. The latter doesn't make you a nicer person, it just means that the sabotage of his current relationship is taking place in a subtle and drawn out manner. If he doesn't want to break up with her, it's not going to happen simply by dint of you asking for clarification about his situation and intentions. If he does want to break up with her...well, better for her that it happens sooner rather than later. Perhaps the two of you could make a go of things if that does happen, but I'd be wary about seeing that as an opportunity to leap at.
whichwayisup Posted August 13, 2006 Posted August 13, 2006 Although strangely enough, they aren't very affectionate (as far as I have observed) with each other, and he has never brought her up in the course of conversation. The thing is, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, so don't assume just because they aren't affectionate in public that the relationship is on the rocks. And he may not have been comfy talking to her about you at all. Friendship is OK, but maybe he needs to include his girlfriend in this too. I'm sure if you were with a guy and he started hanging out with a woman who was "waiting in the wings" for the relationship to end - Would make you feel abit uncomfortable. I wouldn't put much energy into the friendship either. Be casual and don't let your heart get in the way.
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