darnee Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 I don't know whether to stay with A, who I've been seeing for more than a year. We had an intense beginning, and now have good communication, and our physical relationship is so-so only because there is no emotional passion between us anymore, caused by previous fighting, which has subsided. He is 40 and hasn't committed to a women yet, but he has been examining why he hasn't been able to make a deep love commitment. He's very interested in self-growth so I feel there is potential for us because of that and because the communication is great, and sex would probably be wonderful again if we had some passion back. But I've withdrawn from him emotionally and feel very attracted to a friend of several years. We've flirted seriously for over a year, and I've been very attracted to him since we met 3 years ago. But I'm worried communication would feel more stilted with him, though I'm not sure how satisfying or unsatisfying it would be since I'm projecting what it be like in a relationship. B is younger and he doesn't work full time, which I think is fine because I don't believe work=success. However if he wants a family he would have to work more OR I'd have to be the breadwinner (I love my job and work hard, so this might work). A doesn't want a kid so that's not in the picture. B looks at me with passion, he's been consistent with his feelings, he is often doing very sweet and thoughtful things for me, and our relationship is deepening lately. Is this just infatuation that would fade if we got involved (though I almost feel like we're dating already), then I'd be in the same situation as I am with A? I've tried to ignore feelings for B to work it out with A, but feelings for B keep getting stronger. A and I feel like friends toward one another, but think passion might come back -- maybe with help of therapy. But the only way to do this seems to be to cut myself of from B which would be painful.
Touche Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 I'd forget A and B and go for C...oh wait, there was no C. In all seriousness though let me ask this. Why didn't you ever date B to begin with since you've been friends? My gut tells me that neither one of these guys is for you. It sounds like you're looking for marriage and neither strikes me as a good candidate. I could be wrong. Just something to think about. I just don't have enough information.
Author darnee Posted August 12, 2006 Author Posted August 12, 2006 Yes, you're right about wanting commitment... I thought I was ok drifting along with A, until I realized my feelings for B tell me I want serious commitment. When B and I met we were both dating someone else. We both broke up with those people, and I started dating A soon after. I didn't consider B for several months because I was focused on A. Then when feelings for B started again, I did nothing because I know B's ex, and though I'm not close friends with her I felt too uncomfortable, even after 9 months, to date him because I thought it'd be painful for her and I thought they would get back together. But it seems now they are not going to get back together and I feel it's ok to date B now -- it's now been more than 1.5 yrs since they broke up. A and I broke up for a couple of months one year ago (we've been dated 1.5 yrs) and then I almost dated B, but I chose to get back with A to resolve our relationship. But it was very hard to choose. I can't even think about a C because I really like B.
drownindreams Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 One thing that stuck out to me is that A doesn't want kids, but B does (or is open to the possibility.) Is having children important to you? If it is... and A is firm in his opposition... well, you have a serious conflict of interest. Why, do you think, you have grown so emotionally apart? Perhaps the solution may be to spend more time together, doing an activity that is fun and interesting. For example, maybe going bowling or karaoking. Interactive things may help you reconnect, laugh a little, and get outside the rut you're in. Break up the routine a little... I think your feelings for B are, in some ways, a response to a feeling you're lacking something. You see good qualities that excite you and speak to part of you that is different than A. The truth is no one person can give us 100% of what we need--everyone needs friends. I worry about B, and the way he flirts with you despite knowing you are in a committed relationship. I wonder what his intentions are? Maybe a counselor, or a good sit-down conversation with your boyfriend would help. If you both want this to work out--I'm sure you do, as who doesn't want passion in their life?--you'll have to put those feelings for B on hold until you figure how to patch the leaky boat
Author darnee Posted August 12, 2006 Author Posted August 12, 2006 Thank you all very much for your responses. I'm not absolutely sure I want kids, and I'm old enough that I may have trouble getting pregnant, and after a few years won't be able to. I think I could go either way or it depends on the man I'm with. I think with B I'd start to want one. Finances are somewhat of a concern, because I don't make a lot and a kid costs a lot. I think A and I grew apart because we were fighting so much for awhile. Now that stopped but we dont' see each other often (we live one hour apart) but talk on the phone a lot. We've never said I love you to one another. I felt like saying it earlier (but not now) and he's never wanted to say it, he's said. I think I'd want to try to get the passion back if it weren't for my feelings for B. I dont' know how to get it back so I think therapy might help, and maybe your suggestion to do different things is a good idea. B flirts but will not cross the line of making a physical advance. But he wants to date me, and he knows things are falling apart w/A, and I let him flirt with me so he flirts more. I feel terribly guilty about not telling A about my feelings for B but think that would be so destructive it's not worth it and I should focus on whether things can work with A whether B is there or not. But I'm being emotionally unfaithful. I don't want to break up with A for B, I'd only want to break up with A because it's not working with A, but it's true that my feelings for B are making me want to break up w/A.
norajane Posted August 13, 2006 Posted August 13, 2006 If you're going to focus on A, you have to let B go. You say your relationship with B is deepening...OF COURSE that's taking your energy away from your relationship with A. If he weren't in the picture at all, if he were still with his gf, if he moved a zillion miles away, wouldn't you have put a lot more into your relationship with A than you have? You get out what you put in, and believe me, he sees you're not putting in much, which is precisely why A can't give you much either. You can't have both. Pick one and give it 100%.
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