She Just Sent Me A Letter...First Contact

[Thursday_le]

She broke up with me back on june 19th. So it hasnt been that long. If you need the back story you can read this thread.http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t93704/.

 

And My old original post.http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t91890/

 

Anyways....My birthday was Aug 9th and I kinda feared that she would call me, but at the same time I knew she wouldnt. Well...instead she sent me a letter with no return address. Maybe so I wouldnt throw it out. Here is what it says:

 

Hi, I cant believe you're 19, thats crazy. How have things been for you? I saw on your myspace that you got a car...thats awsome. And your going to college in a few weeks. And remember how you told me you'd never be able to get a car because you thought no one would help you? Looks like I was right- there's always someone willing to help.School for me is starting up soon- on the 25th. Im kinda excited because Im gonna be a senior, but its school so of course Im dreading it, too. Well these last couple of months have been horrible, to tell you the truth. I hope you've been alright. I've been a mess. I'm down to 120 lbs.(She lost about 15 lbs) Thats partly because I was sick w/ mono(the doctor said I got infected in early june since I didnt show symptoms til 4th of july weekend.) but mostly because I just wasnt eating for the longest time. Im okay now, I think.

 

I just feel so horrible about what ive done to you. I never wanted to hurt you like...yea, maybe you did some stuff that hurt me, but we all make mistakes,i made them too. But i dont think you ever deserved what I did. It was all so sudden, though.I want you to know that it wasnt because of any other guy. Ive had guys like me these past couple months and I had to hurt them too, by telling them I dont want a boyfriend at all. I think one of the reasons ive been so depressed is because im worried about you. Are you okay? I hope your alright. I cry everytime i think about you.

 

I never though things would be like this, but i guess thats life. Im still dealing with all the crap going on in my head, while deflecting any relationship opportunities that come my way. I get so upset when i see that letter you wrote me laying on my desk. I havent had the balls to read it since the first time i read it.

 

Im so sorry for everything. Really,I am. I hate myself. I hope we can be friends someday. I dont want you completely out of my life forever, but i dont want to hurt you by being in your life. Maybe one day everything will be okay.

 

---------------

 

Yeah I broke down and cried. I admit I felt the feeling come back but I controlled them. I talked to my mom and she said that maybe I should call her.I waited untill today at around noon. I called her cell on my new cell...she obviously didnt reconize the number so she picked up.

 

I said hello and she got very quite. I said " is this -------." she said yes. I said do you know who this is....she said yes... we talked for about 5-10 mins and it was all....How are you....what r u doing type of stuff. I was very layed back. I didnt mention the relationship or anything. Then she started to cry and said....You make me sad. I asked why and she just said....cause you do. I said...dont be sad. Everything is gonna be okay. Then she continued to say " I feel like you should be the one crying and not me." I didnt say anything.

 

She eventually said she was going to her friends to help her move. So I didnt have the opportunity to said I had to go first. I then said..." Well, Its nice to hear from you." She said "yes...im glad I heard from you.".

 

This is where I think I may have screwed up...I said " Well....now you have my cellphone number...so, If you feel like talking to me you can." She said" I dont think ill call ever" I said Ever? her" well I dont mean ever but just not anytime soon." She told me that if I would have left a msg on her voicemail that she definatly wouldnt have called me back.

 

Then I said..."Well i guess ill talk to you later.....bye.."

 

The whole time she sounded so sad. Crying most the the phone call. She was very quiet and I could barely hear her at times.

 

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT OR WHAT TO THINK!!

 

thekhris if you read this...please give me a hand. You seem like you could help me out a bunch. Plz anybody....give me some input.

 

Thx

 

Thurs

[whichwayisup]

I think it was a mistake to call. That first contact of her was intention (not malcious) because she needed to say some things to relieve HER guilt. This isn't about you - If she wanted to "talk" to you, she would have left a return address or called you. Her also saying she won't "ever" call you means just that. ... She's looking for forgiveness, looking for you to say to her "It's OK, don't worry at all, I am fine..." The thing is, YOU are not fine and having read her letter, talking to her by phone has stirred up alot of emotion inside you. That's not good!

 

You can't be friends with her. By time you ARE completely over her, you could meet someone else...And that "someone" else wouldn't want you being friends with your ex. It's just how things workout in life.

 

It is sad, but it's best for you to move forward with your life without her in it. Too painful, so why put yourself through it?

 

Keep talking, the more you vent, the better you will feel.

 

Hope this helps abit, and sorry you're feeling sad.

[Thursday_le]

Thats the thing....She got all upset and she doesnt want me out of her life forever. I think she may think that she has done so much harm to me that, that may be the only thing I could ever consider is friends. Maybe im wrong. My feelings are a bit strange right now...but I feel better.I didnt call her for me. I called bacause I dont like the feeling that another human being is depressed over me. I needed to give her someting....even though she crapped on me and gave me nothing.

 

Maybe she will see that I am stronger than she thinks.

 

So i didnt call at all for myself. I knew that calling was a make/brake situation. I was willing to give her up just to make sure she could see that Im ok and that she can now move on. Move on to what....I dont know. But i feel like I did the right thing.

[Guest]

She wrote you that sappy letter to give herself some closure.

 

Never mind that a respectful person would just leave you alone and not worry about stirring up your emotions.

 

So you're here now confused, hurt, and silly again.

 

Best to learn from this and find a new, improved girl. No contact. Any pain you bring upon yourself by finding excuses to get in touch with this girl will be completely your own fault.

[johnnytable]

I hate it when ex's do this. It is selfish of them. They are in pain and they try to relieve it by dumping a bunch of stuff onto you to deal with. This letter in no way made you feel better and obviously made you feel worse.

 

She is in pain and that is her problem, not yours. Trust me, I've been in this exact same situation.

[Thursday_le]

She msg me on myspace ...this is our conversation....

 

[HER]: Sorry if it seemed like I didn't want to talk to you earlier. I really did, I just didn't think it would be so direct. I'm just still going through so much right now- I'm a huge mess. I really hate myself so much sometimes, I'm surprised I can even wake up in the morning. And I miss having you in my life, you were my everything for 2 years. I've been trying to stay busy so I don't really think about it, but I get so upset every time I think about you or see your pics or anything... I don't really know what I'm trying to say here, I just miss having you in my life & I hope that one day I can get my **** together and we can be friends without me getting all emotional. I'm so sorry for everything I've ever done to you. I feel like I ruined your life, although it seems like your life is way more put-together than mine. I know that you said you're ok, but I still feel horrible about everything. I'm so sorry. You don't have to respond if you don't want to. I'm just kinda gonna ramble some more. I went to warped tour on Tuesday- it was pretty fun, I saw All Time Low, Scary Kids Scaring Kids, Alexisonfire, Senses Fail, and I wanted to see UnderOATH so bad, but they didn't go which pissed me off. But I got burnt on my shoulders and chest which sucks, and now I have a bug bite on top of my sunburn which hurts. (Thurs), I really miss you so much. I'm not saying I want to get back together, because I need to be by myself... for a long LONG time. I just miss everything we had together, and I hate that it ended up like this. I don't really know what else to say. I kind of just want to cry all the time. Well, here I go again. This sucks. I just hate everything. I wish I could fast-forward to a few years from now and be all better again and we can all be happy. My mom ordered some school pics and I have a bunch of wallets of this one really good one of me that I like- so just let me know if you want one. You probably don't, but it's alright, I'm just putting it out there. Tell Tammy that I said hey- I miss her. And Kioko and Kelly, too. Oh, and Joe. I really hate myself so much. I wish I could take all the pain I ever caused you and just put it back onto myself- I'm already feeling it all now. I've been alright for the last couple of months for the most part- and now it's like everything's catching up to me and I"m crying & depressed all the time. Idk why I'm even still typing this. I can just remember all the times that we had together- good and bad- and it upsets me so much. I'm sorry. I'll stop typing now. Just ignore all of this. Pretend I never sent it, okay?

 

[ME]: Hey...dont worry about everything. I really am ok. Not great...just ok. Dont feel bad about what happend. You did what you had to do. I dont ever want to stand in your way. I understand you need to sort yourself out. That is why I havent done anything stupid to myself. Dont think I hate you. Its very far from that. Yes I do miss you. Im not gonna lie. It sucks that I sometimes want to share so much with you, but I cant. I dont want to make you depressed. I want you to see me as a good person. Not someone who brings you down. Obviously only time will heal these wounds. I am glad that we talked today. Its very nice to hear you again. You told me to be strong...and I think im doing a job at it. I completly understand that you want to be alone. I wont ever make you or pressure you to be in a relationship...or to even talk to me again. I want to be here for you. Not a tagalong though. I have been told so many times by like 100 people to just forget about you and move on. I can move on....but I cant forget. And by moving on I mean...not wanting to die everyday. I am sorry for making our contact today so direct. I just kinda thought you wouldnt msg me back on here or email me back. Im glad you had fun at warp tour. I was gonna go but....well....I dont know anyone to go with...LOL. I swear im such a loser..hahaha. Nah, dont feel bad about things. You know that Im a caring person and I cant hold grudges. You dont have to respond to this if you dont want to.

 

I hope that maybe you wont worry about me so much because I really feel like im holding you back. I cant live with the fact that your having such a hard time because your worried about little old (19 now) me. But it gave me a warm feeling that you still care about me. Just know that I care about you too. Again no pressure. Msg back if you want....if not thats kool too.

 

[Her]: We can talk more if you want. If you ever wanna share anything with me, feel free. Question... did you get contacts? Looking at your pics honestly make me tear up every time. You were my (pet name) and you're so damn cute, it makes me so sad thinking about you and seeing you in your pics. I guess what was the hardest was talking to each other every day about everything in our lives for 2 years, then just not talking at all ever. You weren't holding me back, btw. I just need to be by myself. I don't understand how anyone can like me when I don't evem like myself.

 

 

What Now?

[Shattered Heart]

Okay, it sounds like this girl has issues and is so damn confused. I was just going to ask why she even broke up with you in the first place, but she mentioned the reason in the last couple sentences. And boy did she say a mouthful too. She's 100% right. You cannot love somebody if you don't even love yourself. Loving yourself is a prerequisite to loving others. But how do you really feel about this whole thing? I know you mention you're okay with everything, but is that how you really feel?

[Guest]

Ugh, this is getting ugly.

 

Let this depressed girl go find herself and stop interacting with her. It only serves to make herself feel better and to confuse you more.

 

Heal yourself. Make yourself your first priority and stop making excuses to keep talking with this girl.

 

Her words: "I wish we could be together." Her actions: I hurt you and no we're not getting back together. Grow a brain, a spine, and a nutsack and have the dignity to stop responding to her. Just reading her idiotic psychobabble make me dumber.

[johnnytable]

She seems really immature. You broke up, does she expect to be able to keep talking to her?

 

Move on from this one, she seems really messed up and you don't need that during your healing process. You need to be dealing with confident stable people right now.

[Returning]

"I hate myself"

 

"I don't understand how anyone can like me when I don't evem like myself"

 

These lines speak volumes, whats going on with her is absolutely nothing to do with you or your relationship with her. I loved a girl who had the exact same self attitude. It's very sad and you can't reach them in any way. The biggest ball-ache for me was that someone in this emotional situation can not spend time with people who they feel emotionally attached to; but can go out and have a ball with losers who they don't feel anything for. The more she feels for you the harder it will be for her to have any contact with you, it churns them up inside they get tearfull and psychologically push you away, which hurts.

 

Be carefull

[Thursday_le]

Heres the last part of the convo....

 

[ME] Can we maybe talk on AIM? This is kinda weird.

 

[HER] Sorry. Idk if we should. I have to go to work soon, anyways.

 

[ME] Hey....I wish I wasnt the one to say this. But...us talking is nt healthy for the two of us. I feel like im getting too comfortable talking to you. And I know you think you shouldnt talk to me right now. So I am going to say we have to take some more time away from each other. Dont take this as I dont want to talk to you. I just think we both need time alone. I want something that you dont need/want right now. When you think your better plz tell me. I miss you. I dont want to lose you. But we have to do this untill were both emotionally stable. Then we can go from there. I know you will be in my life again.

 

Talk to you again soon

 

 

(Thurs)

[Thursday_le]

Then I sent her a txt today saying...Hey I was thinking about your question about your pic....Of course I want one.

 

(Thurs)

 

 

I think shes trying to test the waters to see if I could ever forgive her. Obviously she doesnt think im doing ok. She feels bad and says she misses me. Im not going to let her go. I am going to finish what I started. If it means I get hurt again...then so be it. I think finding true love is worth all the suffering.

 

Also....my ex talks to my mom. Which slipped out of my moms mouth. She constantly askes how im doing and invites my family...except me.... to her work to eat. My mom and her are good friends. Which all of this was kept a SUPER good secret for a long long long time. I feel like my mom could have told me sooner. Any thoughts....or want me to elaborate?

[Guest]

Another lost cause.

 

Oh well, I'm sure you'll learn from this one.

[Thursday_le]

Whats such a lost cause. The more negative you people are towards this....the more it makes me want to prove all of you wrong. This will work out in the end. I dont care what I have to go threw. As long as I have her in the end. Its nice to hear other peoples opinions but theres nothing but negativety. And dont say its being realistic. Maybe if you people can give me more things that make since. Im sry if i seem like an idiot...but this site just kinda pisses me off anymore. For the longest time this site gave me confidence. Not hope but confidence. Now I guess I can only count on my family for guidence. This is just giving me second thoughts and clouding my judgement. I dont know what to think anymore. Plz someone help me understand.....

[whichwayisup]

Problem is - She doesn't like herself, she's insecure and isn't ready for a loving healthy and positive relationship.

 

She is down and out, depressed and being quite passive aggressive, even manipulative (not malciously) by pushing buttons so you will react the way she 'needs' you to react.

 

This is NOT about you at all, it's all her and the stuff inside her head.

 

If you want to be a true friend to her, ask to please go talk to a therapist so she can start working on her self confidence and become a stronger person.

 

You are right, seeing her/talking to her is only going to make you feel more attached to her which isn't good for you. Definately take that step back to protect your heart.

 

Maybe in time, when she is thinking with a more positive outlook and is able to see things cleary you two can talk and see if a relationship can happen, but until then, keep your distance.

[Thursday_le]

thx whichwaysiup. I understand that its all her. It sucks that theres nothing I can do to help her out. I pray to god that she someday finds herself the way she needs to. Shes made progress....now admitting her feelings and feeling the pain of what she did. I want her to get over the pain as quickly as possible...and me being around wont ever make things better. That is why I initiated NC this time....its only day 3. Wish me luck.

[whichwayisup]

You're welcome.

 

If she contacts you again, definately suggest the therapy. Let her know it will help her.

 

3 days...

 

I know that is rough so try to keep busy. You can do it!

[Ariadne]

Ok,

 

Here we go...

 

Find her and kiss her.

 

Get to meet her as friends, go somewhere kind of romanting, and kiss her passionately.

 

Seems to me like she needs to be kissed.

 

Ariadne

[Thursday_le]

Ok,

 

Here we go...

 

Find her and kiss her.

 

Get to meet her as friends, go somewhere kind of romanting, and kiss her passionately.

 

Seems to me like she needs to be kissed.

 

Ariadne

 

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT????

[Thursday_le]

You're welcome.

 

If she contacts you again, definately suggest the therapy. Let her know it will help her.

 

3 days...

 

I know that is rough so try to keep busy. You can do it!

 

She doesnt need therapy....she needs to figure stuff out on her own. By me telling her she needs therapy....its like me telling her what to do all over and knowing her she would take it as im calling her crazy...and that would be the end.

[andy_whitewater]

Heya thursday,

 

Its amazing how similar our stories seem to be. My ex girlfriend broke up with me on the 23rd June. She said she needed to be by herself because she was so unhappy and hated every part of her life. She then went on to say that she wasn't sure what would make her happy anymore. It hurts so much that no matter what I say or do I can't make her feel better. I found out that she bumped into a guy at a party and might have some feelings for him, but shes not sure how she feels - I've had no contact for weeks but the one time I did bump into her at a party she hugged me and cried saying how much she missed me. I know its not healthy to obsess about someone but when you feel you are with the "one" then you'll do anything and endure any amount of pain to help and love them and help them love themselves. I don't know what to do from here - its her birthday in a few weeks and I want to send her a card and a little gift to just say I'm thinking about her but who knows what that will do. I always think that some things are worth fighting and hurting for and this is one of them.

 

Everyone has unique individual experiences - for example I know that I can't just call up my ex and see how she is doing because I couldn't handle the heartache, but I also know that the thought of never seeing her again is too much to bear so I decided I'll probably send her a card on her birthday, but not actually see her. I guess if she has got together with someone then I'll completely let her go, but I do know from the intense conversations that we had that she really does need time to sort herself out. Shes always in tears and angry and frustrated. Maybe the love just burned itself out on her part? I was willing to keep helping and being there for her, but I guess maybe sometimes people need their own time and space to heal.

 

How have you been holding up with the NC? I find it really hard when I'm by myself and often end up checking my mobile even though I don't want to. I've taken to going on really long walks, listening to and recording music and trying to occupy my thoughts in as many ways as possible. Do you find that nights are the worst? I guess you can't control what you dream and its hard to control what you think about but sometimes I wish I could just put this girl out of my head and move on.

 

My hope is that in time 1 of two things will happen.

 

1. She will learn to love herself and be a more complete and full person. I will have taken the time apart to develop personally and will be a stronger person and we will be able to give love a second chance.

 

2. She will learn to love herself and be a more complete and full person. I will have accepted the loss, become stronger for it and moved on, by meeting someone new that I can continue to share my life with.

 

 

I'm not ashamed to admit that I've been to counselling a lot for this (and contine to go) - its been the most traumatic time in my life and not something I can just "get over." You need to do whatever you think is right because at the end of the day there are only two people that knew every intimate detail and all the ins and outs of your relationship and you are one of them.

 

Peace

 

andy

[Thursday_le]

Thx andy... One of the only differences is that my ex didnt meet anyone. It makes me feel better to know im not the only one going threw this kinda stuff. I wish I knew why this all happend. I guess its a part of growing up. The day my ex finally puts the pieces back together I know that Ill be there for her. And hopefully we can give love a second chance.

 

Good luck to you my friend...keep in touch and we can share thoughts.

 

By the way NC the first run lasted almost 60 days. Then on sat I talked to her. So Its day 3. Yeah it sucks...but its different the second time for me. I feel like theres lots of hope in the future...Its just a waiting game.

 

People alllllllways tell you to never wait for a girl. Well...f_ck them all because I want to finish what we started....I dont want to wonder what if 40 years from the fact.

 

Take this advice if you dont take anything else from this....Accept Advice from people....Tons of people....but dont ever listen to one. The reason I say this is because..by listening to others views....you can establish your own. But dont ever listen to anyone but yourself....because ultimately its you who is going threw this all.

 

Stay in touch man....thx for your sharing...

 

Thurs

[whichwayisup]

Ok,

 

Here we go...

 

Find her and kiss her.

 

Get to meet her as friends, go somewhere kind of romanting, and kiss her passionately.

 

Seems to me like she needs to be kissed.

 

Ariadne

 

Go read the full thread again...

[whichwayisup]

She doesnt need therapy....she needs to figure stuff out on her own. By me telling her she needs therapy....its like me telling her what to do all over and knowing her she would take it as im calling her crazy...and that would be the end.

 

I can understand her taking it that way, but she has issues going on inside her head that have nothing to do with you. If she can't sort it out on her own, therapy will help. That's all I meant.

[Shattered Heart]

People alllllllways tell you to never wait for a girl. Well...f_ck them all because I want to finish what we started....I dont want to wonder what if 40 years from the fact.

 

Just wondering about something. You're saying that you'd be willing to put your life on hold and wait 40 years on the off-chance that you may never end up with her again?