andy_whitewater Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 Ok, I know you are all used to reading the same breakup stories but I decided I really would like some advice to see what you think. Ok I've been with my girlfriend for four years and in my eyes its been great. I loved being with her and I still love her dearly. Towards the end she was never really available and used me a lot - it was a long distance relationship and I put in all the effort - paying huge train fares to go and see her at her university in Wales. Ok, so I realised there was a problem when I had to go to London because of a very serious health issue and she wasn't willing to come down with me (i was pretty nervous about it all). I overlooked this at the time but looking back..... makes me think. Anyway, I came back from London really looking forward to seeing her (it would be the first time in about 2 months) and we met up and I went to hug her hello and she pulled away and I thought, hmm, something not quite right here. We got talking and she confessed that she had met someone on a drunken night out and she wasn't sure how she felt but she couldn't be with me at the moment. She kept going on and on about wanting to be friends - at first I thought this might work, but of course it can't. Basically she travelled across the country to see this guy (something she has NEVER done for me in the 2 years since I started uni) but she still doesn't know how she feels - they didn't kiss, share a room or anything - they just spent a bit of time together. She came back and wanted to see me and texted and called and desperately wanted to be friends, but I wasn't ready for this and I knew she was only calling because she felt guilty so I told her that its best we didn't speak anymore. Ok fast forward a month (a damn long lonely month!) and my band are playing a really awesome set at a party and she just so happens to be there. She comes over before and after we play to say how nice it is to see me, how great I look and that she misses seeing me. I played it totally cool and just said that life was going good for me and hoped she was well. She burst into tears and hugged me saying she was so unhappy at home. I told her not to worry but didn't make myself emotionally available. I texted her (for the first time in 6 weeks) the next day literally just saying "hope you are ok you looked a little sad last night x" She wrote back saying she was just tired and a little vulnerable and I've not heard from her since. So I really really care about this girl, I'd been planning to ask her to marry me (even though I'm only 21) and we're each others first loves. Its her 22nd birthday coming up in about 4 weeks time and I wasn't sure whether to get her something. I'm the drummer in the band but I've written and recorded about 4 or 5 acoustic soft tracks that are about us, and specifically her and I was going to burn them to CD and give them to her. Is this a bad idea as its such a personal gift? I'm in absolute love with this girl - shes perfect to me and even though its been 7 weeks I still feel as sad today as when she first left. Thanks for any help Peace andy x
riobikini Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 andy_whitewater: "Ok I've been with my girlfriend for four years and in my eyes its been great." In your eyes it, indeed, may have been great. This is *why* men should take those little conversations *seriously* and listen *well* when their partners say, " We need to talk". Chances are the thing that winds up being the reason you break up later is in *that* little conversation that you chose *not* to have, -and which she attempted repeatedly. andy_whitewater: " I overlooked this at the time but looking back..... makes me think. " Trouble is -this is the way it usually happens that we learn we should have listened waaaay back when she/he *first* tried to bring up the "We-need-to-talk" conversation. Hindsight isn't only 20-20 -it's bitter, as well. andy_whitewater: "...we met up and I went to hug her hello and she pulled away and I thought, hmm, something not quite right here."... Here's where you should have said, "Listen, I sense there's a serious problem between us and I've been overlooking the signs -can we talk about them and try to reconcile the differences?" Then you should have told her you love her (if you *truly do*) and gave an initial apology for blocking much-needed communication between the two of you. andy_whitewater: " So I really really care about this girl, I'd been planning to ask her to marry me.." That's certainly something she should have known about...and *needed* to hear directly from your lips (and heart)....did you tell her all that? When someone misses the opportunities he/she has been given to say important things (especially when they are hanging like thick fog in the air) -it causes the other person to view the relationship as having nothing worthwhile to offer. So they may start to withdraw emotionally from it and begin looking in other directions to find what they need. andy_whitewater: " Its her 22nd birthday coming up in about 4 weeks time and I wasn't sure whether to get her something. I'm the drummer in the band but I've written and recorded about 4 or 5 acoustic soft tracks that are about us, and specifically her and I was going to burn them to CD and give them to her. Is this a bad idea as its such a personal gift?" It depends on whether she's 'let go' much more than you describe in your post. If she's still hanging on to some hope that you wake up and smell the coffee, she'll be touched. If she's past the point of 'no return' concerning her emotions towards you, she'll view it as a ridiculous, childish (and maybe somewhat pathetic) attempt on your part to regain what you foolishly lost in the first place. Take care. -Rio
Winfield Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 Don't be fooled by her actions - you probably just caught her off guard when she had that moment of upset after you played your gig. You acted in the right way, showing that you're able to stand on your own two feet without her (well done)! She probably wasn't expecting this, hence the waterworks... The fact is that she's got feelings for someone else Things may not have been going so great between this new guy and her when you last met her...but, as you haven't heard from her again, I'd take it that her moment of vulnerability has now passed, and things with her new guy are now OK. So, a birthday present for her - well, assuming she's with this new guy, a personalised CD would be a huge no-no. Why? Well, just imagine how you'd feel if a current girlfriend received a CD full of personal songs from her ex (not too good, I'd imagine). Personally, I can't understand why you feel the need to buy her something for her birthday...she has admitted, after all, of having feelings for another guy. If you must, however, then, as an alternative to the CD, why not just send her a card (with a simple "from me to you" message, only to show you're thinking about her) and perhaps a voucher for a store where she can buy something for herself? That way, if she's still with her new guy, he won't get all suspicious of where your gift came from, and she can choose a gift on which to spend the voucher on?
Author andy_whitewater Posted August 12, 2006 Author Posted August 12, 2006 riobikini it sounds like I need to explain more about the situation. I don't think I could have been any more receptive. I literally did everything. Even after we had our conversation where she told me she wasn't sure about things I didn't give up - I bought a huge bouquet of her favourite lillies and left her a little note just saying "you're in my thoughts and I miss you." I constantly told the girl I loved her, I instigated most of the conversations about feelings and was always happy to talk about where we were going. Even when she said we needed to talk because she wasn't sure about things I said to her "ok how do you feel - lets talk about it" and we spent hours talking and at the end of it she decided that she didn't really know what she wanted. Many many times I told her of how I thought our future would be and we often talked about it. This whole scenario literally came out of nowhere. Its the mixed messages that I find confusing. However I have to realise that at least at the moment she doesn't want a relationship. It does seem a little harsh of you to say that I foolishly lost her in the first place although I probably didn't make myself clear enough in the first post. I forgot to mention that she has plans to go away for 6 months to china. I asked her why and she said she didn't know - she just wanted to do something - her parents have always been very domineering and she said shes not happy at home. I am pleased for her and I've already started planning to do my own trip away next summer when I finish university - I'll be teaching for a year in either thailand or russia. Winfield you're definitely right about the CD. Instead of giving it to her I'm going to just listen to it myself and use it as a way to get over this relationship. I've been to see a counsellor about it as I've been so tearful and upset and after a lot of talking I know that there is nothing more I could have done to make her happy. She simply needed to move on and find her own way. Even as I write this I realise it makes sense but it still hurts and makes me incredibly sad. I definitely won't be jumping into a rebound relationship. I'll take the time to develop the band, spend time with friends and recover from the stress of a difficult breakup and a long summer of being at work and not getting any holiday time. I guess breaking up is never easy but I'm going to try and use this as a time to grow and develop rather than sit and brood and let the pain grow. I know its going to take a long time but at least I feel like there is nothing else I could have done. thanks for your advice x
riobikini Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 re: andy_whitewater: " riobikini it sounds like I need to explain more about the situation. I don't think I could have been any more receptive. I literally did everything. " " However I have to realise that at least at the moment she doesn't want a relationship." " It does seem a little harsh of you to say that I foolishly lost her in the first place although I probably didn't make myself clear enough in the first post." (Smile) Nothing I said was meant to sound harsh or hurt you further. Read the link below (from another LS thread) to understand where I was coming from -and more about how seriously I have taken the lessons I have (recently) re-learned concerning telling those you love that, indeed, you *do* love them. Take Care. -Rio P.S. Note of my error: It was Destination Unknown who began the thread, -not IAP. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=884614&postcount=12 Entire thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96180/
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