UrsulaM Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 Help!! ...is all I can say. I have an identical twin sister and as everyone always says, "wow that must be nice. You two must be really close"... it just isn't the case. We live maybe 6 miles apart. She is married with a husband and two beautiful girls. I am alone. Divorced actually.. but into my career and education at this time. I have been trying since my sister met her husband in college to continue to have a positive relationship with her yet the only time it is.... is when she needs me to do something for her or her family. Her husband (also a twin- faternal) seems to have really turned her away from me and our family in general. I spend so much time and energy trying to make her happy and have a relationship that it is more taxing on me than for her. I seem to run around when she needs it and actually buy things for her to hope that she will show me love in return. My parents have told me that I need not try so hard or try at all anymore. I feel used, abused and misunderstood most of the time by her. She is suppose to know me the best of all people in this world and how I work... yet it isn't that at all. I have called her many time just wanted to talk and be friends. It always seems to turn into an arguement and one that I can't seem to compete with. She has always been the stronger one between the two of us, yet when it come to her being alone for a weekend when her husband is out of town... it is me she calls. When I call in return for the same reason of feeling like I need someone around it isn't convenient for her. Our incomes vary significantly and her and her husband (being a lawyer) is much better than mine (nurse). Although her career choice is also nursing, she only works once every now and then because of her family. None the less, it seems to be that when we are out and about that they will purposely pay for the groups drinks, meals, etc.... but state to me that I need to pay my own. As if I mooch from them... never have in the past and don't plan to in the furture. My life has been much different than theirs and in many ways less financially rewarding. I often buy gifts for them that are expensive (esp for my budget) because I don't want them to see me as cheap. yet, out of the majority of gifts given... they return them and want the cash instead. My sister holds grudges and can't let things go. for example: she asked me to visit on the evening she was to fly out for a triathlon competition that weekend... I had a clinical class the next morning and didn't want to get to bed late. I explained this to her but she didn't want to understand my point of view at all. Rather than understanding that my work and clinical for the education of my master's degree was important...she made me feel bad for not taking her for the "red eye" flight, by saying "she will wake my nieces up and have her husband taker her instead even though he needs to work at the office for million dollar deals with the firm too". should I have given in??? realize this happens all the time. And when the situation is reversed the refusal to assist me is suppose to make sense and I should understand. I have stopped asking her to assist with most things in my life. most of the time she doen't even know what is really going on in my life (not that she should). She usually calls when she needs something done and then is really nice but if it doesn't go her way it gets ugly. We are so distent and apart now that we aren't even friends. She says things about me to her husband in front of the kids and I can tell, because they aren't comfortable. I love my nieces so much. Every time I see them I have a new gadget, trinket, toy, or present for them. yet the last time I bought them a birthday gift.... one said, "cheap present" because it didn't work properly due to the manufacturer. 40 dollars on a birthday present for a 7 year old is not cheap.... I returned the gift and replaced it with one that was working (electronics). Well, when the 7 year old said that to me as her sister opened her present... I was shocked. Niether parent informed the child that such behavior isn't appropriate and is very rude. I had to let it go as my sister said it, "she is only a kid, they say things". Well, my thought on that is if you don't teach them at this age when they grow up it only gets worse.... (Right??). Anyway, I guess you get the point. I also figure you realize that we had a huge arguement once again tonight and here I sit... fussing over it as always. What do I do? should I Stop trying to have a positive relationship with my twin sister.... should I Eliminate the relationship in total.... I can't buy her love and I can't afford to any longer to buy what she wants anyway. (they never keep my gifts anyway) Sure there is some sour tones in my voice as well. but I still would love to have a relationship that isn't like this. But with her... it seems like she doesn't even want to include me in her life, family, or social circle... what is it that I did to make this turn out this way between us. Any advice would be appreciated. criticism as well as support.... anything to help.. I know it isn't going to fix over night... if over years for that matter. I guess I wrote to vent and get some of this off my chest.
RecordProducer Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 I have 7-year old twins and my husband is a twin. His brother lives next door with his wife and kids and they are very close. They drink coffee together every day (until I said that Saturday and Sunday mornings are reserved for coffee with me!), they work together, his brother calls him a few times a day, they drive the same model of car, they do everything together, e.g. if one of them buys a new lap top, the other one will too. They have a 12-year younger brother with whom they don't speak. He (the youngest brother) is married to a woman who also has older twin sisters and also doesn't speak to them. My husband's brother ignores me and acts as if I am in his life temporarily. My SIL (who hates my guts for no reason) calls my husband "the other wife." I think there's a lot of jealousy going on between twins and spouses of twins. Twins' spouses are jealous of the other twin, the twins are jealous of their sibling's spouse and non-twin siblings of twins are jealous of their twin-siblings. That's natural. But hard to endure and seems like it's constant fight for attention. If you and your sister have been close before she married her husband then HE is obviously the reason why she ditched you. My father also lost his brother (not a twin) to his brother's wife who is controlling. My husband's twin brother basically ditched his own mother because his wife doesn't like her. Both family and spouses can influence one's mind greatly and inject negative feelings toward the ones they used to love most. What i think you should do is: stop circling around your sister and kissing her ass. Talk to her openly in a very gentle way. Let her know that you feel you got distant and you feel that she doesn't like you as much since she got married. Tell her how much you love her,t hat you're her only twin sister and no one can love her the way you do. In other words, start "washing her brain" with thoughts of love. If she was spineless enough to submit to her husband's influence, she might turn to you too. You do your job and don't be frustrated if the results don't come right away. The first time her husband lets her down (and he will as he must have many times by now - all spouses do sometimes), she will reach for you... hopefully. Good luck!
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