I feel awful, what do I do...

[HopefulOne]

Some of you know my story... My boyfriend and I got into a couple of weeks ago ( almost 3 years dating) I haven't heard from him except for a couple of ambigous text messages. ( I posted all in my other thread). Now yesterday here's what happened.

 

Yesterday, he texts and says :

 

him * I don't hate you, you make me want to hate me

 

me * You should not feel like that - I am so sorry that I make you

feel that way.

 

him * It's cool...

 

me * not for me

 

me * It's not cool - I only want for you to be happy

 

him * I get it, it doesn't always work out

 

me * you get what? Can you talk to me?

 

him * I get your intentions were good. When I talk to you, I am

always trying to convince you and then me, that I am not as

horrible as you try to make me.

 

me * You are not horrible!! Your a good man with a good heart. I have

always known that.

 

me * Do I really make you feel that badly?

 

him * Honestly... Yes

 

me * Has that always been the you feel with me ?

 

him * No, I did something to earn it thru time. Wasn't always that way.

 

me * We all make mistakes- god knows I am not perfect and I do not

always do or say the right things - I just wanted us to be happy.

SOmetimes I made that very hard but you mean the world to me.

 

him * I am not blaming you for anything. It's just something I have to

deal with. It's not just you, it's happened my whole life, so there

is an issue with me.

 

me * we all have issues, it's hard sometimes I know.. I have always

believed in you - know that I am here for you.

 

Well that's it in a nut shell.... All I could do was cry when I was reading this. He's never said anything like this to me. I have no idea what to think or feel.

[Ariadne]

Hey you,

 

That's great! You guys are starting to communicate instead of getting mad and disappearing.

 

I think it went great. What you need is to get closer and be understanding. You sounded great in that chat it seemed to me, and supportive.

 

Hopefully it'll all work out fine

 

Good luck,

 

Ariadne

[HopefulOne]

Hey you,

 

That's great! You guys are starting to communicate instead of getting mad and disappearing.

 

I think it went great. What you need is to get closer and be understanding. You sounded great in that chat it seemed to me, and supportive.

 

Hopefully it'll all work out fine

 

Good luck,

 

Ariadne

 

Thank you for your support!!! I actually didn't take this as we are trying to communicate, do you know how hard it is to communicate via text message. I was angry and sad at the things that he was saying. I felt more like I was getting the it's me, not you thing. It's evident that he doesn't want to talk to me and there is nothing I can do about that. If you have issues then you deal with your issues, you don't use them as an excuse to why your life isn't working out. I have never said that to him but that's how I feel. I feel all different kinds of things right now, like I can't turn my brain off...

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Well, at least it was something. Better than the past weeks waiting by the phone for sure.

 

Now you guys have to agree to meet somewhere to talk (?)

 

Ariadne

[HopefulOne]

Hi,

 

Well, at least it was something. Better than the past weeks waiting by the phone for sure.

 

Now you guys have to agree to meet somewhere to talk (?)

 

Ariadne

 

He won't even talk to me on the phone... unlikely he wants to talk in person.

[Ariadne]

 

Oh no!

 

Well, good luck, hope he changes his mind, at least he texted...

 

Ariadne

[HopefulOne]

So, I haven't heard from him since the text, do I just go away, do I try to call????? I don't know what to think or feel ------GRRRRRRRRRR - Should I or shouldn't I is the question?

 

[HopefulOne]

I know this isn't the end of the world but I am going crazy here... Any input would be greatly appreciated .... PLEASE>..........

[Returning]

me * Has that always been the you feel with me ?

 

him * No, I did something to earn it thru time. Wasn't always that way.

 

him * I am not blaming you for anything. It's just something I have to

deal with. It's not just you, it's happened my whole life, so there

is an issue with me.

 

I wouldn't say you are being pushy...but maybe a little one track. Maybe cool your jets and make yourself unavailable to him, at least until you have got your head around what you are feeling and why.

 

The quotes I have used suggest he is trying to illustrate something. Certainly indicaticve of some inner turmoil going on, revealing it may open a whole can of worms you aren't prepared for, so go easy. Is he a cancerian? Has he displayed any other signs of a personality in conflict?

 

One things for sure, he knows your there if he wants you, you aren't going to get any sense out of him until he believes you are not there, you don't know what you have got till it's gone kinda set up.

 

I would concentrate on you, do stuff to make you happy and get on with your life. Wasting your energy obsessing over this guy/relationship will mean you have less energy for the other aspects of your life.

 

In your other posts you appear eager to fold, roll over, and say it was you, your fault, you shouldn't have said this or that, I wouldn't go there. We can all say and do stuff in the heat of the moment, it's no biggie and should be left where it is...in the past. If you can't get over it you will just give him ammunition or excuses to stay in his mental quandry. His attitude to life and his issues are nothing to do with you, you aren't responsible for any of it.

 

There comes a time when you ask yourself is all this stuff with him doing you any good? Life is for living, being confident and happy, and you don't need another person for that, just you.

[HopefulOne]

Thank you, I needed that and that was very profound... At first it made me feel bad what he said about me making him hate himself and that I made him feel horrible but now I feel kind of angry about it.. I am not responsible for how he feels and it's weird how he says that but then he isn't blaming me cause he has issues, maybe's it a copout but honestly I know he has always had some kind of inner turmoil, always trying to prove himself and doesn't want to disappoint anyone. He is very work oriented, very driven and ambitious but sometimes I think he drowns himself in that and makes it his escape because he knows he is good at that. I am not a pushy person and I will leave it alone... I know I probably shouldn't have said that I am here for him but it's how I felt, so I said it. I am not taking blame but but I do make mistakes sometimes and am more than willing to admit, yes we all get caught up in the heat of the moment sometimes, god knows he has but I get it and I don't hold it against him. Thanks again for your post, it helps put a little clarity in my mind... !!!

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

I know this isn't the end of the world but I am going crazy here... Any input would be greatly appreciated .... PLEASE>..........

 

Text him that you are going crazy and that you love him and you need him.

 

Ariadne

[Returning]

Ariadne...do you think your posts are helpfull? Are you venting your pain on others in a devious fashion? HopefulOne has made her feelings clear and the guy is not having it, why should she feed his ego and set herself up for a fall? Guilt tripping someone back is just heading for a nightmare. The whole situation is upsetting HopefulOne and she needs to switch off from it and take a breather.

 

HopefulOne, he does sound a trifle abusive, abusive relationships are strange things.

 

 

You stay because:

- my partner told me it was my fault

- I'm afraid I am unlovable, unattractive, stupid, irritating as he says I am

- I'm afraid no one will ever love me again like he does

- I don't want to leave him alone

- I'm afraid of what he will do if I try to leave

- I'm afraid I can't make it financially

 

Personality Traits That Set You Up For Abuse: - A strong desire to avoid confrontation

- A tendency to pretend things are better than they are

- A tendency to feel responsible for others

- A tendency to blame oneself for problems

- A fear of being alone

- A tendency to doubt oneself

- A tendency to make excuses for another's behaviour

- A tendency to be naive about others and to believe that love makes one a better person

 

You could consider stepping a good distance away from the whole thing and getting it, and you, into perspective.

[Ariadne]

Oh no,

 

Is much more simple than that.

 

She said that that was how she was feeling and asked us what to do, I suggested that she tell "him" that.

 

After all, he is the interested party, not us.

 

Ariadne

[HopefulOne]

Oh no,

 

Is much more simple than that.

 

She said that that was how she was feeling and asked us what to do, I suggested that she tell "him" that.

 

After all, he is the interested party, not us.

 

Ariadne

 

As Returning said, if you read my post, I made my feelings for him pretty clear, that I am here for him and that I believe in him and my previous post I had already tried calling him and told him how I felt, that's all I can do.... I have to agree with Returning on this... I am not sure about abusive... I do however think that he might be emotionally unavailable if you will or returning could be right on this.

[Ariadne]

Oh,

 

You did that already.

 

Ah well, we are a pretty hopeless crowd here then.

 

Ariadne

[Cincyblondegal]

So, I haven't heard from him since the text, do I just go away, do I try to call????? I don't know what to think or feel ------GRRRRRRRRRR - Should I or shouldn't I is the question?

 

 

I know this all can't be easy for you as silence is never easy but from my experience with relationships the best thing to do is take a step back and give that person some space (as hard as it is sometimes) and work on ourselves because we all know that we only get stronger with each relationship because heartbreak does that to us.

 

If you need someone to talk too please don't hesitate

[HopefulOne]

Thank you CincyBlondegal!!! That's why I am here, for some good advice and support. Sometimes as we all know, when we are in the midst of an emotional crisis we don't always thing clearly... Hence, why we need support...

 

We did text back and forth this evening, just stupid stuff, the I got missed call from him, I did not call him back but I did text him and said I got a missed call from you, do you want me to call you back.. I never heard anything back.... I just can't pick up that phone and call, it will break my heart if he doesn't answer... GRRRRRRRRRRR --- sometimes you know it's hard to be a grown up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Returning]

Hi HopefulOne,

 

'Emotional crisis' sounds a bit strong, your posts appear too coherent for that to be the case. It may be in your best interest not to enter into any communication with him, txt salvos etc. As you have previously stated his txt'x become ambiguous and it is not the best medium for communication when you have so much riding on it.

 

Not picking up the phone was good sense on your part, I have been caught up in something similar and the phone takes on the role of a tool they can employ to torment you at a distance, pranking you then not picking up.

 

I mentioned abuse so that you could examine it and rule it out if it wasn't the case. Abuse takes many forms and can be mild or serious, emotional, physical or mental. He does seem to be toying with you. Some personality types who act like this man do so while they are out trawling for another source of supply to feed their ego, they keep you simmering as they can't let go of one supply until they have an alternative. And then the new supply may not be as good as the old so they come back, furthering your pain.

 

If his inner trauma caused some division within himself there will be split between his authentic or real self and his ego. What meets the world is his ego while he conceals his authentic self as he doesn't like it and doesn't think anyone else will, his authentic self will have the emotional development of a six year old or whatever age his injury to the self took place. Everyone has personality quirk's that usually don't cause any difficulties but in times of pressure can come to the surface.

 

This site gives a good definition of the forms of abuse:

 

http://www.therapy-abuse.net/whats%20abuse.htm

 

It is about abuse by psychotherapist but the forms of abuse are applied by all humans who abuse others in close relationships, see if they tick any boxes.

 

Just be carefull and ask yourself is he really worth it?

[Cincyblondegal]

Thank you CincyBlondegal!!! That's why I am here, for some good advice and support. Sometimes as we all know, when we are in the midst of an emotional crisis we don't always thing clearly... Hence, why we need support...

 

We did text back and forth this evening, just stupid stuff, the I got missed call from him, I did not call him back but I did text him and said I got a missed call from you, do you want me to call you back.. I never heard anything back.... I just can't pick up that phone and call, it will break my heart if he doesn't answer... GRRRRRRRRRRR --- sometimes you know it's hard to be a grown up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

You are so welcome...Good luck!

[HopefulOne]

Thank you CincyBlondegal!!! That's why I am here, for some good advice and support. Sometimes as we all know, when we are in the midst of an emotional crisis we don't always thing clearly... Hence, why we need support...

 

We did text back and forth this evening, just stupid stuff, the I got missed call from him, I did not call him back but I did text him and said I got a missed call from you, do you want me to call you back.. I never heard anything back.... I just can't pick up that phone and call, it will break my heart if he doesn't answer... GRRRRRRRRRRR --- sometimes you know it's hard to be a grown up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Oh god, I couldn't do it.... I broke down and called back this morning and no he didn't answer the phone.. Eeeesshhh.... I am beginning to think that Returning is right, he is messing with my heart and my head. I think I am getting a little angry, not sure that is good or maybe it is... You think you know someone, makes ya feel kinda stupid... I think sometimes I try to hard and give people to much credit...

[Returning]

You think you know someone, makes ya feel kinda stupid... I think sometimes I try to hard and give people to much credit...

 

Yeah honey, amen to that

 

The most important person you need to know is....yourself.

Give yourself some credit, you are a diamond, you should shine.

Ditch this Bozzo and get a life...a great big beautiful life, it's yours for the taking. You gotta love yourself before you can love anyone else.

 

You can get angry HopefulOne, it's allowed and a natural part of the healing process. However, anger can be a terrible drain on ones resources, is he worth that much? If he aint a Cancerian, he's a headworker, a player. Whatever he is, he isn't good enough for you, you deserve much better, more respect, more of everything.

 

It is better to be single and content than in a relationship and miserable, look after you and everything else will fall into place.

 

x

[HopefulOne]

He texted me a little while ago and said the he hit the wrong button and didn't mean to call me... OUCH, that hurt.... and that's exactly what I said back in a text message and he said Sorry, it was an accident, I don't why it would hurt, I was texting you... What the F***... Sorry, I can't stop crying, is he that callous and cold hearted...

[Returning]

Are you that daft to still be raising for the bait?

[Ariadne]

 

He texted me a little while ago and said the he hit the wrong button and didn't mean to call me... OUCH

 

Oh no!!!

 

He's been really a major pain that guy, ack.

 

Ariadne

[HopefulOne]

Are you that daft to still be raising for the bait?

 

 

Well, to be honest, it was how I felt when he said it, and that's exactly what I texted back... I am not going to play a game and act like I don't care, it's not who I am and it's not productive. Maybe it's foolish of me... but to me that was mean and it did hurt. It only gives me more insight into his true personality. I can be strong....it just needs to sink in a little...