johnnytable Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 As I read these boards, many people have questions as they are hurt and confused (rightfully so). Far too often these questions involve how to handle a situation with the ex. Trust me as I have been there. The ex has contacted them, they contacted the ex, it doesn't really matter. NC is often given to these people as the holy grail to healing. If you do the NC, then you will get better and everything will be great! However, why are there people still in pain after 3 months, 6 months... 9 months... 3 years? Something must be going on here. Honestly I feel that NC is literally the *least* you can do to start healing. Without it, you have an incredibly slim chance of moving on when you still have feelings for your ex and you are in contact with them. The NC mearly gets you to ground zero (as opposed to underground when in contact). Ground zero is your *starting point* for healing. Now that you are out of contact with your ex, you can start focusing on the things that will actually move you forward. These things include rebuilding your ego and self esteem so that you are happy with yourself. They include gaining real perspective on the situation so that you can accept what happened and stop desiring that the person return to you. This perspective allows you to give up hope and move on. How many of us have desired somebody to come back to us that we knew in our hearts was not a good match? It is obvious to others on the forum because they have a different perspective and aren't attached or connected through love. But when you don't have this perspective, you are stuck on this person. In the least, this person dumped you and you still desire to be with them. In many cases the person really hurt your feelings and did some mean stuff to you... and you still want them. It is madness I tell you. So what I'm saying is that its not the NC which heals you. NC simply allows you to go through the process of healing so that you can move forward. You can be active in this process or you can delay it by rebounding or staying in denial. The choice is up to you, but I believe that you must go through this process at one time or another to fully recover. For those of you wondering if you should go NC, I can't imagine why not with the exception of shared responsibilities (children, divorce, etc). Get yourself to ground zero and then start climbing your way to the sky.
loveinlife Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 That was well written. Sometimes I feel like I am falling apart bc I have such good memories. These memories remind me of my ex, the love and pain watching her leave me for another guy. It is an ego trip bc I know when we were together, we weren't always happy. I don't have much suggestion to move on as I am a victim to myself of being in denial and in contact with my ex. Also what f**ks me up is my goal, which was to marry her, now my dream and future is shattered. I guess moving on is hard. No one likes changes. But whatever helps in the long run is the path we should take. Like Johnnytable says, lets start at ground zero, definitely we can build ourselves to the sky.
InaPanic Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 johnnytable, that was one well written post & one I think I will refer to over & over. I am trying to rebuild my life, but by trying I do mean a seriously weak attempt at getting the OM out of my life so I can work on my marriage. He keeps trying to say we can stay friends & see what happens later on but I know this is only going to keep me in the pain I have been in for nearly a month now. I must get brave enough to do NC or I don't stand a chance at becoming a decent human being once again. I only wish NC could come a little easier to me.
Recommended Posts