I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

[missuNK]

My ex broke it off 2 months ago. I begged, cried, wrote her letters and did what I could to make her change her mind but none of it helped. We talked for a couple of weeks after our breakup, but I was the one that always initiated it. At one point I got frustrated and angrily asked her, "look, do you want me to stop calling you?". I wish I hadn't asked her that because she just said "Yes". So I said "FINE" and basically that's when I began no contact. It's been 1.5 months since I last heard her voice. I emailed her once in between saying I miss you, but got no reply. I never called her after that.

 

Now, due to work/school circumstanes we've lived apart in different cities since a few months before our breakup. I'd fly home for the weekend about once a month. I haven't been home since we broke up.

 

I'm going back home (where she lives) for a whole week vacation this Sunday but she doesn't know that. I want to let her know that I'm in town and we could get together and maybe try to work things out.

 

Even though she might have gotten over me, I know that she isn't seeing anyone new yet. And when we broke up, she had basically agreed to "give it 3 months and take it from there". So we're still in this in-between phase instead of totally broken up. But given that we don't talk at all anymore, I doubt we'll ever see each other again even after the 3 months are up.

 

Should I drop her an email or call her letting her know I'm coming home for a week and I'd love to meet her? Unfortunately we don't have any common friends I can get the word out through.

 

On the Plus side:

She isn't seeing someone new (I know for sure), we were crazy about each other, and she did say "we'll see how it goes after 3 months". If I could just see her again, maybe she'll remember how perfect we were for each other and things will be more beautiful than ever before since we've both (hopefully) grown and learnt from this bitter experience. One of us has to swallow their pride and make the effort to reach out, right? Why shouldn't it be me? Also, she's still single but looking. It's only a matter of time before she finds someone new, and at that point I'll be sorry that I didn't try to see her when I could've.

 

On the minus side:

She never replied that earlier email, she hasn't bothered to call me once in 1.5 months, and I may lose whatever NC credit I've earned. After I initiated NC, she's given me no sign that she cares to speak to me again (is 1.5 months enough?).

 

Still, I'm wondering what's the harm in just letting her know that I'm going to be in town? I mean, it'll be many months before I can fly back for a whole week, and if things do work out between us again, this could be the best week of our lives.

 

On the other hand, I'll be kicking myself and feeling like sh*t for a LONG time if she never replies. I think it'll take away the last bit of self respect I have left. I have a little hope left, but not much. Please help...what should I do? We're both in our late 20's if that helps.

[Violet87]

It would help to know why you two broke up in the first place.

 

I think you should give her some time. It doesn't seem like she's that interested in maintaining contact as of now. If she isn't returning your calls, what makes you think she'll want to see you in person. I have a feeling, you'll only be setting yourself up for disappointment.

[littlepiggy1]

You said it yourself, "After I initiated NC, she's given me no sign that she cares to speak to me again."

 

I would leave it at that and not try to initiate contact. It will be tough, but you don't want to lose whatever "NC credit" you've earned (been there, done that).

[johnnytable]

I think it is pretty clear, she doesn't want to talk to you. Time to move on to somebody who does!

[richardcruz]

One of us has to swallow their pride and make the effort to reach out, right? Why shouldn't it be me? Also, she's still single but looking. It's only a matter of time before she finds someone new, and at that point I'll be sorry that I didn't try to see her when I could've.

.

 

You already swallowed your pride by begging, crying, and writing letters to her. Now you need to focus on building back your self-respect. Here is a piece of advice that I learned from my own experience that I have posted on many other threads. "There is nothing that you can say or do to bring back a loved one that has left you. There isn't a certain combination of words that will make her change her state of mind. Also reminding her of old memories that you two shared also doesn't work." She made the decision to walk away from you, so only she can make the decision to come back. Missu, you have already learned this lesson first hand when you initially tried to get her back after your breakup. Don't play with fire again especially after you already got burned. I know NC is hard but it really is the only way. I too am at 1.5 months of 100% NC (no txt,calls,emails etc.) Believe me, I know how hard it is but I really don't believe that contacting her will make a difference. She has already made her choice pretty clear.

It really hurts to hear your story, your breakup sounds alot like mine: Same age, same mistakes after the breakup, same results. I feel you.

 

Stay Strong

[RecordProducer]

It would help to know why you two broke up in the first place.

 

I think you should give her some time. It doesn't seem like she's that interested in maintaining contact as of now. If she isn't returning your calls, what makes you think she'll want to see you in person. I have a feeling, you'll only be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Very true. And indeed, why did you break up in the first place? It really makes a difference whether you cheated on her or she got bored of you.

[missuNK]

Thanks to everyone that replied. To give you a little more background - it was a combination of things that made her want to break up. For one, our relationship was going to be long distance for a while because I moved out of state and she couldn't due to school. Second she felt that I wasn't giving her enough attention and I cared more about my work than about her. No loyalty issues, cheating or anything like that. In my opinion our issues were things that could be fixed with a little work - and I did get my wake up call from this breakup.

 

Anyway, I know all of you so far are suggesting no contact, but I have a glimmer of hope here. This situation is a little different from others because I don't live close to her anymore so even if she wanted to meetup at some point, it wouldn't have been possible. Now that I'm flying home for a week, we finally have a chance to spend time together and try to work out our issues.

 

I talked to to some offline friends and they suggested emailing her something friendly and non-pushy. In other words, don't sound like you want to get back together. Just say hey, I'm going to be in town and maybe we should catch up. Would that work? That way she doesn't feel pressured and hopefully we'll at least meet as friends. What have I got to lose besides my pride? I mean, I'm most likely going to be sad either way - whether I email her or not, so why not be sad knowing I at least tried?

 

Oh, something else I thought of is letting her know that I want one of my things back from her (a very expensive gadget I got from work). Don't need it back right now, but I do need it back eventually and maybe asking her for it could be a legit excuse to meet. Then again, it might send the wrong impression that I'm only contacting her to get my stuff back (which isn't true).

 

NC is so damn hard (as I'm sure you've all experienced). And here I have a shot at ending it. I just want to be able to see her once and run my fingers through her hair and hear her voice

 

Tell me there's a small chance it'll work?

[richardcruz]

NC is so damn hard (as I'm sure you've all experienced). And here I have a shot at ending it. I just want to be able to see her once and run my fingers through her hair and hear her voice

 

I think most of us here wanted to also have one more shot with our lost loved ones. Most of us just wanted to hear our exes voice just once more and wanted to feel how i felt to be loved just once more....but most of us found out that our exes didn't feel the same. I too had a glimmer of hope but the glimmer died once I kept running my head into a brick wall everytime I tried to contacted her. No one said NC was easy. The chance you have to ending it this way is extremely unlikely, and the chance you have of coming out more hurt than you were is very high. Save yourself some hurt. Leave things the way they are. Don't make excuses for her. She knows how to contact you. If she wants to talk to you, she can pick up the phone and do so.

[missuNK]

Sorry, I wrote to her against all the advice you folks gave me coz in my heart I knew that I had to give it one last shot. She replied (3 days later) and it was quiet a nice and friendly email. I'll post the email thread here if anyone's interested (I just hope she isn't reading this).

 

Anyway, she agreed to meet for dinner tomorrow. She even called me but I was in the other room at the time and missed her call. In her email she wrote that I call her back if I want to.

 

My heart is racing, so many thoughts going through my mind. I didn't call her back....it just feels so weird thinking about being on the phone with her when we haven't spoken for 2 months. I mean, what would we say? I don't even know how to reply her email. I thought maybe I should reply back and attach some photos of all the new friends I've made since we broke up so she sees me happy and moving on. Or maybe that would be rude. I'm trying hard to not think about her - it's just going to be so weird meeting her, and I dont want to set any expectations. She might tell me she's found a new guy. Or it might turn out to be an awesome start to a new phase in our relationship. I just want to be mentally prepared for whatever she throws at me.

 

Anyone have suggestions on what to do/not do? Honestly I'm freakin' out. And I need to figure out how to set up a time & place to meet tomorrow. I haven't replied her email or called her back yet. Help!!

[silentcharon]

Sorry, I wrote to her against all the advice you folks gave me coz in my heart I knew that I had to give it one last shot. She replied (3 days later) and it was quiet a nice and friendly email. I'll post the email thread here if anyone's interested (I just hope she isn't reading this).

 

Anyway, she agreed to meet for dinner tomorrow. She even called me but I was in the other room at the time and missed her call. In her email she wrote that I call her back if I want to.

 

My heart is racing, so many thoughts going through my mind. I didn't call her back....it just feels so weird thinking about being on the phone with her when we haven't spoken for 2 months. I mean, what would we say? I don't even know how to reply her email. I thought maybe I should reply back and attach some photos of all the new friends I've made since we broke up so she sees me happy and moving on. Or maybe that would be rude. I'm trying hard to not think about her - it's just going to be so weird meeting her, and I dont want to set any expectations. She might tell me she's found a new guy. Or it might turn out to be an awesome start to a new phase in our relationship. I just want to be mentally prepared for whatever she throws at me.

 

Anyone have suggestions on what to do/not do? Honestly I'm freakin' out. And I need to figure out how to set up a time & place to meet tomorrow. I haven't replied her email or called her back yet. Help!!

 

Just play it cool. Don't bring up the relationship or anything like that.

 

Just be YOU.

[Flutterby74]

Congrats. Embrace your second opportunity. Be you so she can remember who she fell in love with in the first place.

Don't discuss or pressure her about the relationship at all. Don't beg or plead. Just go out and have a good time and let her enjoy being with you. Good Luck.

[Guest]

Well, sometimes we all get a little down and out or tired from all the issues we come across in life.

 

This I find works in Most cases. Family friends, or even get togethers. Why not ask, Go to the door or say "Hey youd like to go out for a drink?" There are many places to go, restaurants that serve happy hour serve finger food, or hor'dourves, and a cocktails, well it sorta 'breaks the ice' so to speak in what do you say, talk or just to catch up.

 

Find a time to meet that is opportune with one another. But don't to forget to have a backup, like it may be late, OR remember, 7 or [ll ? j/k] right time? You never know... I say. Look up, don't despair, maybe the right atmosphere, and a bright attitude is just on its way. We all lose our way home, and doesn't it feel great to be with family, friends, or even those we rekindle ol' times with?

 

I believe if you really want or desire something in life, you will get it. Don't lose hope. I pray for you and others going thru a hard time. I say yes! Believe. Now, and just know you will work it out! Talk about positiveness in life matters. Leave the bad attitude behind.

 

Best of Luck to you and always.

[ImmaBeAlright]

My ex broke it off 2 months ago. I begged, cried, wrote her letters and did what I could to make her change her mind but none of it helped. We talked for a couple of weeks after our breakup, but I was the one that always initiated it. At one point I got frustrated and angrily asked her, "look, do you want me to stop calling you?". I wish I hadn't asked her that because she just said "Yes". So I said "FINE" and basically that's when I began no contact. It's been 1.5 months since I last heard her voice. I emailed her once in between saying I miss you, but got no reply. I never called her after that.

 

You have your answer right there.

 

Now, due to work/school circumstanes we've lived apart in different cities since a few months before our breakup. I'd fly home for the weekend about once a month. I haven't been home since we broke up.

 

I'm going back home (where she lives) for a whole week vacation this Sunday but she doesn't know that. I want to let her know that I'm in town and we could get together and maybe try to work things out.

 

Denial is not cute. You have BROKEN UP! It's called a breakup because it's broken!

 

Even though she might have gotten over me, I know that she isn't seeing anyone new yet. And when we broke up, she had basically agreed to "give it 3 months and take it from there". So we're still in this in-between phase instead of totally broken up. But given that we don't talk at all anymore, I doubt we'll ever see each other again even after the 3 months are up.

 

IF, and please note. IF she wants to see you after 3 months, she will initiate the contact. She has already told you she wishes that you don't contact her. And she didn't even reply to your email.

 

Should I drop her an email or call her letting her know I'm coming home for a week and I'd love to meet her? Unfortunately we don't have any common friends I can get the word out through.

 

NO! Again, she has your email and will contact you if she wants to see you. She doesn't have to see you just because you are in town.

 

On the Plus side:

She isn't seeing someone new (I know for sure),

 

And that is a plus because??? Ok, I'll run with what you have in your mind, she isn't seeing anyone and neither is she seeing you.

 

we were crazy about each other, and she did say "we'll see how it goes after 3 months". If I could just see her again, maybe she'll remember how perfect we were for each other

 

Erm.... I don't know, if you were so perfect for EACH OTHER, why are you not still together? Maybe you feel she was perfect for you but fact remains, she didn't think that, why she ended it... and buddy, that trumps the great time you HAD together.

 

and things will be more beautiful than ever before since we've both (hopefully) grown and learnt from this bitter experience. One of us has to swallow their pride and make the effort to reach out, right? Why shouldn't it be me? Also, she's still single but looking. It's only a matter of time before she finds someone new, and at that point I'll be sorry that I didn't try to see her when I could've.

 

See, love how you put that. She is still single and LOOKING. not looking for you as we have already established that she knows your email address. You say its only a matter of time until she finds someone new. Main word here is NEW.

 

On the minus side:

She never replied that earlier email, she hasn't bothered to call me once in 1.5 months, and I may lose whatever NC credit I've earned. After I initiated NC, she's given me no sign that she cares to speak to me again (is 1.5 months enough?).

 

Phew.... Now we getting somewhere.

 

Still, I'm wondering what's the harm in just letting her know that I'm going to be in town?

 

Harm is she may say: 'Oh, lovely and make no plan to meet up with you. Another even BIGGER harm, you will once again be invading her space by not respecting her wishes that you don't call her. Harm #3, you will be ONCE AGAIN offering your tender heart to be stepped on again.

 

I mean, it'll be many months before I can fly back for a whole week, and if things do work out between us again, this could be the best week of our lives.

 

See, that is being selfish. You say you love this girl, wait for her to call you when she's ready, if she ever will be. The ball isn't in your court, so what if you are going home for a week??? Stop with your selfish agenda.

 

On the other hand, I'll be kicking myself and feeling like sh*t for a LONG time if she never replies. I think it'll take away the last bit of self respect I have left. I have a little hope left, but not much. Please help...what should I do? We're both in our late 20's if that helps.

 

Again, we are getting somewhere. Run with that thought on one hand and your self respect on the other.[/quote]

 

Yes, you will be kicking yourself and feeling like crap because you know, deep down that she isn't ready to talk to you which is why she hasn't picked up the phone, sent you snail mail, email, morse code, etc...

 

Why are you doing this to yourself??? My advice, take care of yourself and let her go. If she ever decides to come back and you are still receptive, then go for it.

 

 

*Don't mean to offend but sometimes one has to be cruel to be kind*

[ImmaBeAlright]

Oops, please ignore my post, I hadn't read the entire thread.

 

Good Luck.