Aloros Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 I always hear people talking about "moving too fast" in a relationship and how detrimental it can be. How do you know if you are moving too quickly or not? I started dating this guy about a month ago. I knew him beforehand, and there was a definite instant connection. At the time I was seeing someone else, but after I broke up with my previous bf, things just sort of...happened. We've slept together, within the first week and a half, I've spent the night several times, and we've spent a lot of time together, just doing the things we mutually enjoy. Neither of us is seeing someone else. We had a long talk the night before, about previous relationships and how things seemed to be moving rather quickly with us. Neither of us has a history of moving so fast, and yet, neither of us has much of a problem with it. We joked about our flaws and annoying habits. He's been simply amazing to me. It's funny, neither of us would describe ourselves as romantic, but being around one another seems to have brought something out that neither of us really thought was there. I'm just wary that I might be doing something that will cause problems later on. Is this going too fast? He's told me he adores me and he thinks about me a lot, and I feel the same way. I just don't want to mess things up. I've never felt this kind of attraction (and not just physical, although that is AMAZING) to anyone, so this is all very new to me.
Sally00 Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 Honestly, I do think you're moving too fast. I mean, sleeping together after like a week? I think you should just take your time and just find out who he is. Ya'll have only been together for like a month. Enjoy time with him. I've been friends with my boyfriend for over a year and we've been together for 6 months. We haven't had sex (I'm waiting till marriage). Taking your time is important. You don't want to end up doing something you might end up regretting.
allina Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 Honestly, I do think you're moving too fast. I mean, Ya'll have only been together for like a month. Enjoy time with him. Not everyone has your religious "god fearing" as you say, values. You're young and haven't even been with your bf for 6 months and you think you're going to marry him, so how are you going to say that the OP is moving too fast? To the OP, congrats on finding someone you click with Do what feels right and go with it, why keep yourself from what makes you happy. Just keep in mind that this is still a new and blossoming relationship and that it may not always feel this perfect.
Author Aloros Posted August 11, 2006 Author Posted August 11, 2006 Thank you, allina. I'm more inquiring after the emotional/attachment aspect rather than the physical aspect of the relationship. In my experience, people often fear sleeping together "too soon" because they don't want to become someone's floozy or one-night stand. In this case, I knew that's not what he was after (as I mentioned earlier, I knew him before we dated), the physical chemistry was there, and I didn't feel like waiting. He offered to wait, I didn't want to. I respect your decision to wait until marriage, please respect mine. We've both acknowledged that we're in that...twitterpated phase, and that it won't last. I guess I'll just see where it goes from here. Eek!
john1776 Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 I think the only regret I have about my relationship is having sexual contact on the first date. We never went as far as intercourse but we did see each other naked and she wanted me to make love to her. So take it from me that having sex on the first date or sooner than 2 months for that matter is a big mistake. You will regret it later. If a guy like myself regrets it now then I'm sure many women would regret it more because guys usually have a more caviliar attitude about sex. I believe that every relationship has to start out as friends first before romance kicks in. If I could start my relationship all over again I would be friends for the first 2 months or 6 dates at the minimum (whichever comes last) before taking it to a romance level. I believe in kissing a girl no sooner than the 7th date.
insomnie Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 This probably goes against the wisdom of those older and more experienced than me, but I think moving "too fast" is just a sign that you are really into each other. Which, as far as long-term potential goes, is important. Of course as you get to know him better you might realize he isn't right for you....but in my experience it rarely works the other way. Either I'm into someone from the beginning or I'm not, and when I am, and they are, "moving too fast" happens naturally. My current boyfriend and I spent the night togehter on our first date, and I lost my virginity to him about a month later. Two years later, and we are stronger than we've ever been. That said, I think it's important to keep in touch with reality. Don't EXPECT this to play out soulmate-style. He might yet have a side you won't be able to live with. And, realize that the honeymoon does end. Still, I think it's important to have a honeymoon.... and for me, at least, the really good honeymoons, which preceded really good relationships, have always been characterized by moving way too quickly.
allina Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 This probably goes against the wisdom of those older and more experienced than me, but I think moving "too fast" is just a sign that you are really into each other. Which, as far as long-term potential goes, is important. Of course as you get to know him better you might realize he isn't right for you....but in my experience it rarely works the other way. Either I'm into someone from the beginning or I'm not, and when I am, and they are, "moving too fast" happens naturally. I super agree with this
insomnie Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 Just wanted to add that there are also two kinds of "too quickly": the falling too quickly in love type, which your relationship seems to fall under, and the making-big-decisions-that-affect-your-long-term-well-being-before-you've-really- REALLY-gotten-to-know-someone type. As in, moving in, getting married, having children, buying property. For a minority, having sex. The first type is fine, and if you have a healthy taste in men, is arguably even a good thing. The second type is just stupid. As long as you can happily live with the consequences of your decisions regarding this guy REGARDLESS of how things pan out with him....I say go.
lovelorcet Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 I am with you insomnie! Sometimes it is good to just go with the flow. If the feelings are mutual and you keep your eyes open for red flags then just enjoy it. I am sorry but I do not agree that one can define rules for how many dates before a kiss. Where is the romance in that? What is the harm in a good night kiss after a date…
rina_r Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 This probably goes against the wisdom of those older and more experienced than me, but I think moving "too fast" is just a sign that you are really into each other. I completely agree. Good thought, Insomnie. Relationships are personal, every situation varies from person to person. There is no "one for all" advice.
ash8752 Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 John1776, I find you a bit, for lack of a better word...obnoxious. You and you "no sex" ways etc. The majority of the people on this site and in the world enjoy sex and it is not for you to say it is a mistake or not. We dont tell you that not having sex is pathetic and a waste of perfectly good time. I know i am being rude, but you are saying that you kissed your ex on a first date and you know regret it and boohoo the kiss ruined you. YOU and HER ruined your relationship, not the way you acted sexually. My bf of 15 months who i live with now and am doing perfect with have sex at least every other day. The first night he told me he had feelings for me (we had been friends a while) i gave him a blow job. Something wrong with that? None of it was a mistake and we both believe we are eachothers soul mates. So, have sex, dont have sex. But dont tell people they are doing wrong, you are doing nothing wrong, but neither are these other posters. Stop blaming sex and fooling around on your failing relationships. That is a cop out!
ash8752 Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 And, stop putting time limits on things like 2 months or 6 dates. Live life as it comes.
john1776 Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 John1776, I find you a bit, for lack of a better word...obnoxious. You and you "no sex" ways etc. The majority of the people on this site and in the world enjoy sex and it is not for you to say it is a mistake or not. We dont tell you that not having sex is pathetic and a waste of perfectly good time. I know i am being rude, but you are saying that you kissed your ex on a first date and you know regret it and boohoo the kiss ruined you. YOU and HER ruined your relationship, not the way you acted sexually. My bf of 15 months who i live with now and am doing perfect with have sex at least every other day. The first night he told me he had feelings for me (we had been friends a while) i gave him a blow job. Something wrong with that? None of it was a mistake and we both believe we are eachothers soul mates. So, have sex, dont have sex. But dont tell people they are doing wrong, you are doing nothing wrong, but neither are these other posters. Stop blaming sex and fooling around on your failing relationships. That is a cop out! This is a forum for people to post their opinions about things. If you are offended by my posts then place me on ignore or don't read my postings. I have a right to post my opinion like everyone else does. My opinion is based on my personal experiences. You can benefit from it or not. You don't have a right to tell me what comments I can and cannot post. I simply said that the OP might regret it later on if she has sex too soon just like I'm regretting it now. Simple really. What am I supposed to do? Just agree with everyone and say it's ok to have sex on the first date? No I'm just telling the truth about how I see things. Relationships need to have guidelines and boundaries. Just doing things on a whim will lead to chaos. That is why I have "rules" if you will about how long to remain friends and other things. These boundaries are there to protect you. So when I say that someone might be making a big mistake by having sex on the first date I'm just want them to consider the worst case scenario. I'm not anybody's friend on this forum. I'm just a faceless stranger who's trying to help. If I didn't care at all I would have not taken the time to post anything or I would have lied about my opinions about whether it's a good idea to take that move in a relationship.
ash8752 Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 So you have the right to tell me that i have no right in telling you what to say, but you have a right to tell me that i have no right. Hmmm, doesnt make sense much. In a relationship, the things you do on a whim can sometimes define you both. Especially in the beginning stages. I would see you as uptight. But that is just my OPINION in which i have the right to say. Also, you shouldnt get so offended as you sat there and told this OP that they are making a mistake in there current relaytionship. That being your opinion, i decided to challenge it and give my opinion back that they are not making a mistake in doing what they did.
john1776 Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 And I too also have the right to challenge anyone's opinion. This way the OP can hear different sides of the argument and come up with a synopsis and draw her own conclusions. I don't think it's healthy for someone to hear just 1 side of the story. Now she has several sides to consider. I don't get paid to sit here and post. I could be doing other things with my time. The only satisfaction I get is the possibility of helping at least 1 person. If I wanted to make money off of this kind of thing I wouldn't be here. Everyone's opinion on here is going to come with a bias. Yes my opinion is very biased but so are the majority of posters opinions on different subjects. So I'm not the only one here who's guilty of being obnoxious and judgemental and biased. You can't have it your way on a website. If LS had a policy that stated that only unbiased opinions are welcome then that would be a different story. Other biased opinions include those who say that it's a big mistake to contact an ex under any circumstances. I don't see anyone getting accused of being obnoxious for saying that. Why? because this is not a place to pat people on the back if we believe that they are making mistakes.
TattooedPrincess Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 I always hear people talking about "moving too fast" in a relationship and how detrimental it can be. How do you know if you are moving too quickly or not? I started dating this guy about a month ago. I knew him beforehand, and there was a definite instant connection. At the time I was seeing someone else, but after I broke up with my previous bf, things just sort of...happened. We've slept together, within the first week and a half, I've spent the night several times, and we've spent a lot of time together, just doing the things we mutually enjoy. Neither of us is seeing someone else. We had a long talk the night before, about previous relationships and how things seemed to be moving rather quickly with us. Neither of us has a history of moving so fast, and yet, neither of us has much of a problem with it. We joked about our flaws and annoying habits. He's been simply amazing to me. It's funny, neither of us would describe ourselves as romantic, but being around one another seems to have brought something out that neither of us really thought was there. I'm just wary that I might be doing something that will cause problems later on. Is this going too fast? He's told me he adores me and he thinks about me a lot, and I feel the same way. I just don't want to mess things up. I've never felt this kind of attraction (and not just physical, although that is AMAZING) to anyone, so this is all very new to me. To me it sounds like you two just CLICK!! and you two relate to each other really well. To many people puts way to much thought and rules on things like how long should you wait before you kiss or have sex. If I had to follow someone else prospective of what is right I think I would drive my self crazy. I truly believe you yourself knows your limit. I think if you didn’t think you click so well, relate, and had such a big comfort zone you wouldn’t feel this great feeling you are having. Personally I think you got something we all are looking for, someone to relate with well, a comfort zone that makes everybody click!
niko1999 Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 The important thing to ask yourself is, Are you enjoying your time with him? Do you guys get along-regarldess of the sex? My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year, and we still act like we just started dating, and we had sex before we "technically" started dating. So just enjoy your time with him, and have fun with it. There is no right or wrong answer on how fast is too fast. If youre comfortable, then it is not too fast.
pseudofemme Posted August 13, 2006 Posted August 13, 2006 My relationship with my ex boyfriend moved very, very quickly. When I met him, it was like we'd known each other forever... we were totally on the same wavelength... got along so well, had amazing conversations... like nothing I'd experienced before. We almost had sex on our first date; after only two weeks we were talking of moving in together; within a month we were staying at each other's houses for days at a time. So on and so forth. And while it started out fast... it also fizzled out fast. At about the two month mark--after spending so much time with him and getting to know him better than I knew myself--it was like I "woke up" and thought WTF is going on?! I realized I was not all that attracted to him anymore, everything he did started to annoy me, and I became DESPERATE for some breathing room. But we had already established a routine of being together so much, being so mentally and physically close to each other, that it was REALLY hard to slow things down. The relationship had too much momentum. It was either keep moving fast or break up completely. So I broke up with him. THAT was tough, really tough, but I still feel it was the right decision. Looking back on it, I think the relationship would have been much more successful if we had slowed things down from the beginning. I got too much of him too soon. Part of the fun of a relationship is discovering new things about each other... both on an intellectual level, and on a physical level... and when you jump into all of it so quickly, the relationship can potentially become boring later on. (Not always, of course, but as I experienced, it CAN happen). I will never let a relationship move that quickly again, even if it feels right at the time. Things just get too sticky later on when the initial infatuation wears off.
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