Visiting my exbf

[the_alchemyst]

I'm going to go visit my exbf later this evening, when I think he's already home from work.

 

As I told another member, I am really tired of this BS. This back and forth thing is just exasperating! He tosses me aside for a few weeks, then finds some BS way to get in contact with me again, we are on "good terms" again for another two weeks, and then for some highly inane (and heavily melodramatic) reason, he storms off again for some undertermined amount of time, and the cycle repeats.

 

I'm not sure if right now I'm just in some kind of phase or mood, but I'm really very angry right now. I want him to grow some b*lls and tell me to my face that it's over for good; I don't want any more of his wishy-washy antics. If he wants to be a scoundrel like the rest of his "friends" then let him; I am tired of it.

 

I hate the fact that I tried so very hard to be good to him. I was genuinely extremely nice to him--I really was. I was the type of gf that wouldn't mind going "dressing up" for him (in that way). Why? Sure, I also thought it was hott and whatnot, but it was mostly something I liked to do for him. Oh, and afterwards, since I knew he was tired from a long week of work, I would massage him. Yep, full body massage until he fell asleep.

 

But I guess he just didn't give a sh*t.

 

This is just one of the many incidents/scenarios I can remember. I wasn't bad to him, I really wasn't. My only problem was that--gasp! I got angry/upset every once in a while! Oh, my god!

 

Seriously. I can't take this anymore! I'm so angry! I'm just furious.

 

I'm going to go to his house today and just make him tell me once and for all. If he wants to run to the hills, then so be it. I'm not going to sit here and wonder what the hell is going on with us anymore.

 

Oh, yea--maybe I should wait for him to call, right? No, thanks. I'm really p*ssed, and I'm going tonight for better or for worse.

 

(Incidentally, as I said above, I don't know if this is some phase or something, but I'm SO mad that I really don't give a hoot about him right now. Every single last time, I was always sad and wishing he would come around, but not this time; not anymore. I can't believe he has the audacity to tell me in my face that he "loves me more than anything else" one night, and the following night he leaves me on the street like an idiot. He knows I'm sick. I'm not saying he should take pity on me because of it, but he should be considerate. If he thinks he is not up for being with me because of my illness or because of anything else, then he should be honest about it and get the hell away. Doesn't he realize he hurts me more by doing what he's doing? Of course he does, but he just doesn't give a damn. One of these days I'm going to have a heart attack, and he'll be partly to blame because goddammit does he give me unnecessary stress/pain!)

 

So, wish me luck, please.

 

I hope I come back okay. =\

[KittenMoon]

No more games, A!

 

I'll be on tonight if you need a vent.

[johnnytable]

This on/off stuff is not good for you. Is this a trait that you want in your partner?

 

Perhaps it is time for you to tell him it is over for good.

[the_alchemyst]

So, I went.

 

I don't like being me very much right now.

[sickkitty]

Hope u are ok.............. or is that a stupid question? x

[KittenMoon]

<----- this is my face when I read your post

 

So what happened?

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

So, I went. I don't like being me very much right now.

 

So? What happened?

 

(I thought that you were on and off with him because you didn't like intimacy or getting too close, I guess I misunderstood)

 

Ariadne

[the_alchemyst]

Ehh.

 

Okay, it went like this:

 

I arrived at his house and chatted with his dad outisde for a little while. I asked him if I could go inside and he said yes, but the door was locked. I tried knocking, but I guess they couldn't hear me. After a while, he came trodding down the stairs, saw me, ignored me and headed into the kitchen.

 

Omfg.

 

Finally he and his mom opened the door, and he took off, saying he was going to put gas in his car.

 

He came nearly an hour later. Sigh. I tried to talk to him, but it was nearly impossible! He was being a total as*hole. Finally, I told him I couldn't be with him anymore, despite the fact I still loved him. He said: "Good. I'm glad you finally realized it."

 

I could tell he was trying really hard to hold back the tears.

 

It was strange, but for some reason, when I was trying to explain things to him, I remember something B_O said--something about "talking to myself when I tried to explain." I realized I was doing just that--talking to myself, so I cut it short, told him he was an arrogant man who was incredibly full of himself, so much so that he wasn't even listening to a word I was saying.

 

He cried some, and I could tell he was trying really hard to hold back the rest of the tears. I told him I he wouldn't hear from me again, and he simply nodded. I did tell him that if he needed something, he knew where I was, and that I wouldn't shun him (because that's just the truth).

 

I left and all I got was a mediocre "bye" from him. Nothing more. Oh, but I did get a barrage of insults (try f.ing b*tch), and him telling me he HATED me, and something about my illness (oh, brother), and about how I lie to him and so he doesn't even know what to believe (yeah, okay).

 

For some reason, his attempts to make me feel like sh*t didn't really work, though. Sure, I felt bad hearing him say those things to me, but I know he doesn't mean them, (I am not an f.ing b*tch and he knows it, he does not hate me (although at the moment he probably did, just like I hated him), he knows I'm sick, and that yes I lied to him once about something that was none of his business anyway, but that other than that, I've been honest. If anything, he's the lair.) and so they didn't really get to me.

 

What did and still does get to me, though, is his behavior. How one night he hugs me and tells me everything's going to be all right, and then two nights later everything is thrown out the window. I'm not a freaking yo-yo.

 

Oh, but--will you believe it?--he said I'm the one who treats him like a yo-yo, hurting his feelings and whatnot. Oh, yes--poor him. Bastard.

 

So, I said bye to his parents (first time ever) and told them I would miss them and that I was sorry to have to go. Oh, and I also thanked them for all of the hospitality they had shown me over the past years.

 

I'm not rude like he is. And even though I REALLY wanted to go off on him, I didn't because I'm not going to be an immature idiot like him.

 

So, I guess this is it cause I know I'm not going to contact him, and I really doubt he will.

 

As far as how I feel right now, well, it's hard to say. I'm so heartbroken over the fact that about three weeks ago he sent me a song which he said was truly about us ("The Blower's Daughter" by Damien Rice or something like that), and how he tried to look for me, only to tear me up three weeks later. I am miserable over the fact that I have been his toy for nearly a year and a half when I really don't deserve it. I am just truly hurt by all of those sparks of hope that sooner than later turn into nothing but dirt and dust only to disappear with the wind.

 

And right now . . . honestly, I will always love him. Maybe come a few months/years, I won't love him as a lover anymore, but I really do think I will always love him as a person. Even though he said all of these things to me last night (and at prior times), and even though he was hurt me oh, so deeply, I will always remember his happy little face because I really do think he is one of the greatest things that ever happened to me because for the first time in my life, I didn't feel alone.

 

But all of that is now gone, and that's just how it is. I either try to work it out one more time, putting myself out there for him and seeing what happens or I just let it be. And well, I know I'm not going to do the former because I just can't; I don't have it in me anymore.

 

At least I am glad that I didn't cuss at him or say anything I didn't mean last night. I tried to be nice even though it was hard. Maybe someday he'll see that even on the last day, I wasn't a "b*tch" as he said.

 

Only time will tell, I guess.

 

For now, I am sad (oops. a few tears rolled down my cheeks. aww.), but I am also okay.

 

I know I will be okay.

[Guest]

i've been lurking on this site for a few weeks now and am a little shocked at the responses you received after your first post. What's with all this support for making a huge mistake??? I would have said DON'T GO!!!!! He obviously doesn't care about you... the ups and downs the break-ups and get-back-togethers... you mentioned all you did for him. What did he do for you? Sounds like you were giving way more than he gave you.

The way you planned on stopping by his house when you thought he would be home is super stalker-esk... Speaking as a guy, I would run far far away.

So you went and sounds like it didn't go well. Duhhhh!!!

What's with the ignoring you? You are either waaaay overbearing and he thought you had gotten the hint or he's a prick. Could be both, who knows?

That saying goodbye to his parents and "thanking them for their hospitality"-- classic psycho chic move!! I see what you were doing there-- try to get them to talk him into getting back together with you. "Oh that alchemyst seemed like such a nice girl..." Smoothe!! My crazy (lonely) sister used to do that crap too. sooo embarassing! Let me guess what's next--- are you going to call him in a few days to see how he's doing? Oh wait! Casually run into him somewhere and pretend you're doing sooooo well? Maybe bring a guy with you when you "bump into him"? LAME!!!

Ok, I sound harsh here--- my true feeling is that surely you deserve better than this guy. I mean, heck, he was cussing at you and saying hateful things? Not a nice guy! One final note-- you won't always love him, i promise! You will find someone better and someone who reciprocates your feelings and actions and you'll look back on this relationship and think "who was I kidding?! That wasn't love!" At least that is my hope for you.

good luck and try hard not to go back or talk to him anymore. What do you call that here NC? You should do that!

[KittenMoon]

Wow Alchy-

 

It's sounds like your encounter was sponsored by the letter "P".

 

For projection.

 

 

Sorry he hurt you (again), but remember sometimes it's easier to be angry than feel sad (especially for some guys, especially when they are young). Try to forgive him for this.

 

And stay away now. As much as it hurts. (And I know it does)

 

 

For a distraction, might I suggest some comic books- Strangers in Paradise, Transmetropolitan, and Fables always cheer me up a bit.

 

I don't know... comic books are just my answer to things tonight.

[Ariadne]

Wow alchemyst,

 

What a mess!

 

I don't know how you love that guy even... But what do I know, I've seen stranger things.

 

It sounds like the odd couple or some.

 

Well, hope you are feeling better now, and most likely you'll talk to him again (even if as pals).

 

Sounds like he needs to grow up (?)

 

Ariadne

[Guest]

If you don't like the games, then why not just ditch him and move on? Find someone else. You are just complicating your life for no reason by getting wrapped up in all this drama.

 

If you don't want the drama, just tell him its over and find someone else who will treat you better.

[TheSilentType]

Ok never mind my previous post. Looks like you did break up with him. Good for you. No more drama.