Lostgurl Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 Ok my story is super long so i'll give it to you in point form. Here it goes... 1. e get together. He tells me flat out that a huge part of his heart still belongs to his ex of 8 years, they were broken up for about a year. I have knkow this man for 13 years, but he moved for 8 years and only seen him when he came to town for 3 day visits. We were friends at first. and when we first met way back we had a few flings. We admitted we always had feelings for eachother. 2. I got pregnant, i was already in love with im (2 mths into relationship) at first he was happy cuz he's always wanted a child. Then he asked about abortion saying he couldn't have a kid. I was crushed. a few words were said, me being divorced and raising 2 kids with a low paying job and no child support didn't want to have another alone. We had the abortion. (i feel this was because of wanting to get back with his ex that he changed his mind) 3. He breaks up with me to try to get his ex back. But in the mean time, on weekends, we'd get together to party and end up fooling around, it was like we were still together but not officially. I was hoping he's eventually fall in love with me and choose me over her. 4. He phones me and tells me she is coming to visit for a weekend. Tells me gently and asks if i hate him. Then i find out from his friend the night before the ex was coming that he had another girl at his house. I go there, give him what for. and i apologised the next day. We don't talk for a week. 5. He calls me and tells me he wants me to come to my brothers party very badly. We sit laugh and talk as friends all night. He talks about his lady and that he's going to do it right this time. Then at the end of the night i kiss him, he kisses me back and we end up at his place and he tells me he's fallen in love with me. and that he choose me. 6. He says he can't tell her about me because he spent so much time trying to get her back, and when she fianlly weants him back he choose me. 7. He finds out he gets an incurable std for the other woman, (not the ex) and i find out that i have it too. This really confuses me about why he choose me cuz it was soo close to the night that he said it was me he wanted and he never told her in between the two events. 8. He goes to his ex's sisters wedding (he invitied me at first then told me i couldn't come later.) (I find out months later that he lied about where he was staying, here he stayed with her) He promised that he never touched her. He admitted that he danced around the thought of getting back with her but nothing happened. 9. Months pass get get happier and more in love as the winter comes and passes. Talk about marriage and having a child. 10. He tells me that he wants to contact her. To only be friends with her. (When they broke up it was cause she tried to sleep with his best friend) He said that he lost his whole life when it ended, His best friend of 17 years, her, his career. He needed for maintain a friendship with her so he would feel like he lived thos 8 years for absolutley nothing. He never forgave his friend cuz he lied about it, but she didn't) I couldn't handle him talking to her, cause he tried to get back with her earlier in the rel. 11. He calls her and now they speak on a weekly basis. She called me and asked me for my blessing. She said all i had to do was say the word and she would never talk to him again. I said no because it would feel like i was betraying him by doing that behind his back . BUT OHHHH HOW I WANTED TO!! 12. wE have had a super rocky relationship since. We have almost broken up many times, had all kinds of yeling matches and all my anger comes from the fact and fear that he could some day fall back in love with her, (or is he still?) and leave me crushed beyond repair. 13. We got into it lastnight. He started getting all philosphical, He said "You once asked me why i bother, well its becasue of the way you treat me, make me feel, love me, that i'm not laying some where with (ex) ringht now". I lost it, he told me by saying that he was putting me above her. But i see it like he's still in love with her if he can even say that he must still be thinking of laying with her right? Earlier, we broke up for like an hour? He said he was moving, i said yeah have fun with her, etc. He said that i have no bearing on him getting back with Her. Said that he never could after what he done. That he says that i'm the only reason that he's not laying somewhere with her? We argued it came back to the wedding about him lying to me. Then he said as he always does "I never touched her" I asked him this time if he kissed her. He said YES!. He said he got carried away. 14. He asked where this was going to go. If in a few weeks id blow again about it. He asked if i'd be happier if he terminated the friendship. I said "ten times, but i could never ask you to do that." He never said "Well what will happen? I said either we stay together and fight about it somemore, or we breakup and you remain friends with her cuz i know you'd choose that friendship than me the one you want to marry any day) He said fine its over i said ok. He calls me a fool because i don't believe his heart is with me. That he is "still right here" should say enough. There is so much nore. But i am soo mixed up that i don't know up from down anymore. Don't know if he choose me because of this binding disease. Or if he would have slept with he at that wedding if he didn't have it. Or if he truly loves me. any one at all have any advice on what i should do? Or whether or not you think that his heart is true at least now? I don't know. ANything anymore. Should i just let go and trust him let him continure this freindship until i am completely crazy? Or leave and regret it and be alone for the rest of my life? I 'm very sorry its so loong. I just want to give alll the main factors. Sorry.
amaysngrace Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 You have to decide if he's good for you to be around. He sounds like he doesn't treat you right. He says what he thinks you want to hear, but when it comes to actions he seems to not care as much as he says he does. Did you get tested for the STD you're talking about or are you just taking his word for it? Either way, this doesn't mean you have to be with him forever. I'd rather be by myself than with someone who makes me insecure.
nicki Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 I've been in the same situation...and it is AWFUL. You never feel secure because if they choose you, is it only a matter of time until the ex resurfaces, even if it is just in his mind. No woman can compete with a fantasy. Then if she wants HIM back, will he go running? It's not enough that he choses you. You will always wonder. No way should he stay friends with her if he is with you. Then he is just one fight away from her arms. It's one thing to still want an ex. No one can help that. But they can take action that helps them get over an ex, like not staying in contact. If someone takes action that keeps the attachment to the ex, then it's just not healthy....and takes away from his ability to attach to you. The insecurity of it all is crushing. I couldn't do it. Not even when my boyfriend swore he loved me and wanted me. I just didn't believe it due to his previous actions (like calling an ex while we together and saying he missed her and lying about programming her number in his new phone a year after they broke up.) Please consider weaning yourself off this guy. A little distance will at least give you some perspective.
Author Lostgurl Posted August 11, 2006 Author Posted August 11, 2006 It's not that easy to just ween my self off of him because well, 1. I love him and do want to spend the rest of my life with him. 2. I have two little girls that love him too death and call him daddy. thier biological father is a complete dead beat. He never calls them, even on b.days. When the mother in law sees them, he comes around and upsets them. He's unbalanced, he was in the start and ever since i left him he got worse. In fact he developed paranoid dementia disorder from .. probably his alcoholism. How can i take away another father from them. Especially when this one is good to them. It wasn't so hard with my exhusband, they never missed him, even on the day we moved out they were excited. But with my honey,, if he's gone for one night, they, well they cry for him and miss him. That is one of the major factors of my sticking around and fighting it out. He hasn't left yet. We never said as much as two words to eachother lastnight. But he's still there. I don't know whats gonna happen. I can't go to him and apologize this time for blowing up and argueing with him about this friendship because he told me he kissed her back in august when he went to the wedding. and it isn't like he call fall into her arms when we fight because she lives in the next province. But still. What if they fall in love all over again from talking to eachother on the phone? Thats what im scared of. I can't let it go.
Hitman10000 Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 I hope everything goes well for you, I think you might want to listen to "women" advice because they will sugar coat some things for you and give you some comfort, but if you want to hear my honest opinion here it is: Get your sh*t together, seriously. Stay safe. Have life priorities besides boys (not men.)
Author Lostgurl Posted August 14, 2006 Author Posted August 14, 2006 He's gone. Its over. Idon't know what to do. He's leaving. I feel like i can't breathe and im stuck at work, and i can't leave cuz i just started. ive never felt this bad before what should i do?
bunnee Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 OMG... my heart pours out to you. I have dealt with exactly what you are going through. I let it drag out three years. This is a difficult one, and all I can tell you is what I did. I got mad. I got mad at him for what he did, and who he made me become. Do I still love him... yes, and thats the hard part. But I relized I was better than that and I deserve more. When it comes right down to it, he doesn't love you. No matter how hard it is do not pick up the phone, do not call, do not contact in anyway... it makes it harder for you and lets him "win" if you will. Love doesn't hurt.... love makes your life easier because you have someone to live this life with... dont let his cheap example of love fool you... its truly pathetic and I am so sorry that you have to feel the kind of hurt you are aexperiencing now.... but let it go ... the best you can.... and the ol' cliche time heals all is very true... gl to you...
norajane Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 I'm so sorry you're going through this. If he's leaving, however, he's made his choice not to work on this with you. You know where his heart is. You will not be alone forever. Dare I say it, you are now free to meet a man who has eyes only for you. You will be much happier in the long run with a man who is yours completely, rather than a man who is drawn to someone else, whether she wants him or not.
Author Lostgurl Posted August 14, 2006 Author Posted August 14, 2006 On my lunch break i went home and told him that i don't want to lose him. He said he couldn't do it anymore. That he was leaving. I went tto our bedroom and cried for a hour then came out and i asked him for one more chance to show him. He said "Im moving out. After that we'll see what happens. But im moving out" Is there hope?
bunnee Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 I dont mean this to be rude... But why would you want to be with someone if they do not love you or respect you? NO matter how much you love them
Author Lostgurl Posted August 14, 2006 Author Posted August 14, 2006 I think that he does love me. He's just bull headed and selfish. He knows that i will give in eventually, i always do. He has always been more stubborn than me. Maybe thats why he treats me so, because im some what of a pushover. He's called me that before. Maybe this whole mess is my fault. Who knows, ill probably never figure it out in my brain.
flowergirl Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 Lostgurl, I've been through the same thing before, and the only cure is to know that they're using you to cover up the loneliness and heartache they're feeling from having lost their true love. FORGET HIM!! I know easier said than done, but you'll feel tons better after the pain subsides. Go out with your girlfriends, join a club, yes, it's even safe to flirt a little, focus on the precious lives you're responsible for in your children, and it'll be ok.
Author Lostgurl Posted August 16, 2006 Author Posted August 16, 2006 fLOWER gIRL How can i believe that he's using me to cover up his lonliness for his true love when he had a chance to get back with her but when that chance came, he choose me instead? His own best friend told me completly out of context about all the weeks my honey scrambled his brain when he was trying to make his decision. So i do think that he truely loves me. He goes for what he wants and is brutally honest about what ever it is. That is one thing that i forgot about in all this worrying about whether he'll go back or not. If he wanted her, he'd say F**k it tell me straight out and go and get her, he told me this many times also. I feel a little better about things after he told me that he kissed her at the wedding. All this time i felt that there was something that was hidden from me. That sixth sense was nudging at me. It stopped after he told me that. He's been completly honest about this friendship from the start. Tried telling me about thier conversations but i'd push him away, get jealous and mad. So he quit telling me. She hasn't called him in three weeks cuzz she knows how i feel. I think maybe i was blowing everything out of proportion and being somewhat of a drama queen? Because when we aren't fighting about it, we get lost in eachother. We have so much fun together, nothing else matters. My god when i get up to use the bathroom, he asks me where im going like he doesn't want me to leave his side. Not in a needy way, but in a good way.
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