JamesM Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Do I tell her, not tell her, find a way to "leak" the information? It kinda depends on your relationship. Many, many times people who tell are the ones who are suddenly the ones at fault. She may team up with him and begin to dislike you. On the other hand, if she trusts you, you may be able to tell her. However, what would be the benefit? Has the brother quit, too?
Author leslie Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 No, the brother is still doing this. So the only reason to tell would be to save her the dignity of finding out much later. This has been so painful for me, partly because of how long it went on. So part of me feels cruel not saving someone from the same. Their deception has been 6 years and going strong. On the other hand, it really isn't my business, there must be signs and if she chooses not to look?
Guest Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 I found out because my gut was telling me something was not right. There was no obvious evidence until I began to investigate and gather information and when I did it didn't take long to find out. There were text messages on the phone (ones he forgot to delete), there were perscriptions of Viagra and the worst of all was a used condom in his coat pocket (nothing inside it but obviously worn. Apparently it is standard practice to wear condoms when getting a BJ at the strip club). When I confronted him that evening (I took the day off work and found everything in the one day) he denied it at first (of course) but when I threw all my evidence at him he confessed. And we have been dealing with this ever since. YES....you need to tell your sister-in-law. Even if she doesn't believe you at least you will plant the bug in her ear. I wish there was someone to tell me. To find out the way I did was humilating.
LVspecB Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 But is it not possible at all for someone to go to a strip bar just to look, and NOT engage in anything more (lapdances, buying drinks for strippers etc.)? My impression of this thread is that if a man goes to a strip bar, then he is unable to control himself, and must go back again and again, like a crack-addict. Any married men out there who go once or twice a year just to look and have a beer? Yes, it's possible. I've been maybe half dozen times in my life (always in a group, usually for an occaision like a batchelor party) and have never touched a girl there or had one touch me. A strip bar is no different than any other bar - there is action there for those actively seeking it. No one holds a gun to your head and forces their unwanted attention on you, so it's perfectly possible to sit at a table, talk to your friends, have a few (expensive) beers, look at the girls and leave unmolested. If anything else occurs (and again, this is no different than at any bar), it's because one wanted it to happen... LVspecB
KFC Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 "Any married men out there who go once or twice a year just to look and have a beer?" -I'm a woman, but my husband goes sometimes with a group of friends. The last time he went was in the winter of 2005 when 3 of his buddies came to visit him where we are. And this is NY City. Strip bars galore. I have never been to one myself but I have never ever had an issue with my husband going, so this thread was quite surprising, and enlightening to me. Although I don't share the feelings with the women who have issues with strip bars, in a weird way as a woman I understand those feelings as well. I trust that he and his friends just go to look, I have never suspected him of acting fishy and he never had any er..evidence or weird things going on when he came back from one of those. I trust him, and having grown up with 5 brothers (I am the youngest and the only girl in the family) I really do believe that men DO go there to have a beer, bond, chill what have you. It's just one place out of other places they like to go to, it's just there happens to be naked women there. Just eye candy. I don't know if I am making any sense but from observing my brothers all these years I really do think there is some "guy thing" no matter how we women think that's a cop out I really do think it's there, and my brothers are all pretty decent guys, or so I think hee hee. Anyway I don't think I'd be jumping for joy if my husband got a lap dance but it wouldn't eat away at me either. I don't consider it cheating unless he actively seeks her out the next time he goes, starts to keep in touch with her, dates her, beds her, etc etc. Then hell no I ain't ok with that.
Guest Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 I can't believe someone suggested you go with him!?!?! You obviously don't like the idea so he would be the only one pleased. hmmmm. I think that in certain couples there is a tolerance. I , like yourself, don't like the idea of Strip clubs, and my husband is aware of that. If after so many years I find out I think I would be crushed aswell. In your case he apologized and is willing to stop for the sake of you and your children great! Work with that... allow him to keep his word. Give him some time. It's been 8 years (or more) and it may take sometime for him to completely stop. If he truley loves his family, I am sure he will consider staying away. And please there are people who think it's not a big deal for him to go and they will tell you not to be so hard on him, you are his wife and he is your husband. Only you know how this makes you feel. Some might be able to tolerate this in their marriage but... you aren't them and they aren't you.
honeybunch2k5 Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 Why can't a guy go to a 'regular' bar and get a beer?
jackderby52 Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 the fact that he's not honest sucks the most.. good luck
Guest Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 Leslie, It was like I was reading about myself when I read this thread. I have been married for 12 1/2 yrs and for the last two my H has been going to strip clubs in NYC/Vegas/ San Fran when he is on buisness trips. My total that I have been able to find receipts for is in the 60,00 range. ( He spent $10,000 in one night!) He claims he would drink too much and make poor choices . He also has been going out drinking weekly telling me he is at work. We have three small kids under 6 who he never makes it home to have dinner with or put to bed. It has been a month since I put it all together. I had suspicions in June but he lied and got me off track. He says he did not have an affair but who the heck knows since I can't trust him. I have so many questions.......He has only answered the questions I thought to ask. i am going to look into a cell phone w/ GPS. He says he really messed up and he sees clearly now that our family is what he wants. He has been super dad and husband for the last month. I want to just kick him out somedays, hold on to him others, and cry all the time. I just can't believe this is happening to me. Someone said i should just concentrate on today and the future. Wish I could. Does anyone know the name of a strip club in NYC that has a corporate name of Jay Jay's Restaurant? Roberts Restaurant? or in Vegas SR Hospitality? Although we are trying to move forward I have a HUGE file with every thing documented. Also, does anyone know how I can get the last two years of text message content sent and received on his cell phone?
JamesM Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 Guest, feel free to register and join us. Why do you want to know about those places? Is he being totally truthful? Or do you suspect more to his story? 10K is alot of money. Do the receipts have any phone numbers or addresses? Have you asked your husband? And why did he keep receipts?
green eyes 17 Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 I do think there is more to the story, I do think he is still not being truthful. I have asked him and he said he doesn't know......LIAR!!! I want to know the type of club he went too full nude or topless. I don't know why, but if we don't get to the bottom of this with everything on the table we don't have a chance. Also, I found statements not receipts. He stopped having statements come to the house and had them sent to his work address or his home email account. i was so busy w/ the kids and new baby I did not even notice. so STUPID. Everything comes to me now.
Guest Posted November 7, 2006 Posted November 7, 2006 Green eyes, the bank keeps records of statements going back several years.
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