Just learned my 8 year husband is a strip bar regular

[DarkShadows]

Wow with a name like *Bubbles* I could guess you were a stripping whore..

 

I find that you think this is funny to be disgusting. You are low class. Not even a Lady.

 

Don't laugh at others misfortunes just because you're skanky.

[DarkShadows]

I'm very sorry for what has happened to all of you. I don't know what the right things to say are. But I find men who are in loving relationships and still gawking at naked girls to be horrible, filthy creatures. Not even men, but boys. What is wrong with just having one woman give you a lap dance why do they need so many others? The woman they are with wants them more than any other woman, so this bs about *Oh men want to feel like they are wanted* is a load of bs when they are wanted at home!

[catgirl1927]

I cannot believe that a stripper came on here and told this poor woman that it is her fault that her husband has been cheating on her all this time.

 

The strippers may not see the men as anything but ATMs, but it's important to realize that the strippers are doing their JOBS. They are not the ones in a relationship and are in NO WAY responsible for the men who are cheating.

 

I know that all strippers aren't like this one. They are in it only for the money and don't take responsibility for policing the morals of their clients, but this is not your fault at all, and I'm SHOCKED someone in that industry really thinks that this isn't about his total lack of character, decency and honesty.

 

If your husband had wanted one of those girls, he should have MARRIED ONE. He married you, who knows why, and has been lying to you and making a fool of you all this time. I realize you want to "fix it" but I am really afraid for your heart and your self esteem when this happens again. And again. You poor thing, I'm SO SO sorry. I know how you feel, I hope you are brave enough to always do what is best for YOU.

[JamesM]

Don't anyone shoot me, but there is always an element of truth to anything. And yes, the stripper has some points to consider. Some men go to strip clubs and have great sex lives at home, some go to strip clubs for the fantasy and variety, but yes, there are men who go because they feel as if they need that physical connection with a woman. The wife doesn't want sex...in fact she doesn't like hugs or kisses. Then the man looks for some of that but yet he cannot go farther. And other men go for the feeling again of being a big man. And even if it is a fantasy, at least for a short time they can feel respected and appreciated.

 

Leslie, I already gave my opinion of your husband...it has not changed. Whether you may have had a small part in his addiction....I cannot see that. I believe he has an addiction irrelevant of your input.

 

Guest, I took a quote of yours.... (By the way, why do people remain "Guest" instead of joining the Board?)..

 

He was there because he does not feel like a real man around me. I know who he realy is and its not so great.

 

This kind of attitude no matter if earned is guaranteed to make ANYONE...male or female....feel worthless, Guest. This will create the need for some affection and respect where it can be had. Yes, I think you were partly responsible for this man's adiction, but when respect is lost for someone, then the obvious happens. If my wife had that attitude for me, then I would look for that respect elsewhere. Since I assume that this comment was developed prior to the strip clubs, then I must assume that it made him try to feel like a real man. If a man is only a big man when he has everything under control, then every man has been a little man at some point. I have failed at my job, I have failed at friendships, I have failed in every aspect...yet...I get up and learn from my failures. Why? Because right next to me...and sometimes in front of me...is a kind caring and supportive woman and partner who accepts me as I am.

 

Just my two cents worth to the guest. Sorry if I sidetracked this thread.

[bubbles the "whore"]

wow i didnt expect my post to receive so much hatred. firstly, to the ladies that call me disgusting, cheap, a whore, a skank - dont be intimidated by me. secondly, my post was meant to be tongue in cheek. However, i felt for the person who posted the original problem. I was giving some insight as to WHY some men become regulars at strip clubs, not necessarily her husband, but others and if she wanted to do something about it then i proposed a way she could. If it was me I would kick him out. Yeah, i know it sux that some men hang out at strip clubs while they have perfectly great women and families at home, but i was giving my pov from EXPERIENCE as to why this happens. Secondly, i am not a hooker, whore, prostitute. The club i worked in was guided touching above the waist. And yes, giving blow jobs for money is prostitution and I hav never been that desperate for money. However, I have friends that have and they have their own personal reasons as to why they did. And good luck to them if a man is willing to pay for it. I wonder what reaction my post would have received if i said i wasnt a stripper.......

[JamesM]

I wonder what reaction my post would have received if i said i wasnt a stripper.......

 

I wonder also. One thing I have learned here...well, one of the many things...is that we all project our anger, frustrations, experiences, etc. when we express ourselves on our responses. This can be good and bad.

 

When we have had a problem with a sexless spouse, we think one way, and when we had experience with a WS, we tend to express that another way. When our partner cheats, we believe that it is not our fault at all, but some other person or place that caused the problem. Yet many times, both partners share in the blame, but the cheating spose is the one who broke the vow that is meant to keep partners faithful.

 

Bubbles, telling you not to take it personal is easy, but please don't. Strippers earn a living, men cheat on their wives. Escorts and strippers all say the same thing...without married men, they would be out of a job.

[catgirl1927]

Escorts and strippers all say the same thing...without married men, they would be out of a job.

 

Wow. What does this really say about men? It's really sad that men have so little self control and decency and such hate and contempt for women that they have to humiliate their wives this way. Why do men get married? I just don't understand the need to hurt other people.

[NO Way]

To clairify why I was bitter , my story gets longer. I deleted a whole paragraph because I felt I was too long. He has never beenable to admit wrong doing. Many things have hurt and when I expressed how his gawking at others and ttying to have eye contact hurts he always said I saw nothing. No compasion for me. He deffinately had more than a flirtation with some business coligue in our seconed year and after watching all the looks between the two of them I was shaken. While in the bathroom I heard her discussing me with some girl. It was clear there was trouble. He responded with silence. Nope. You didn't see anything. Your Crazy. Your too much. Then scilence to my protests. I didnt have a photo therefore he didnt do anything. I witness something extreamly suspicious for years and when confronted he could care less how I felt. I knew then I couldnt really trust him.

At home I would wrap my arms around him and he would lift his arms to wiggle away. He had to return to the game on TV. He never touched me and never kissed even durring sex. It seemed uncomfortable to him. Never ever held hands or even wraped his arm around my sholder. I am 5 years younger when we met and I excused this for me being immature and too touchey feely. PDA has never been a problem for me. I didnt feel just how distant he was until after we were married.

When he held that random girls face to his I was shocked. He had me convinced I was just a parinoid jelous type. Lesser than his calm demeaner. I was trying to control my outrage in front of business associates at a US Open after party so I removed myself after draging him away and warning him to get the f*ck away from her. I joined another group for a while and checked up on him.I was out of control angry at the sight of him chatting away with her. I grabbed him again, 3 times I warned him. He could care less. He threw our life away just cause she was flirting with him. When I think of it he very well could have known her for a while. He was behaveing as if they came togeather. I was realing. We have 3 kids. I am his wife. He emotionally isolated me. He has a cheaters heart. and now I am seeing with my own eyes how far he will go.

I left he followed I said Get the F*ck away. You have humiliated me . You have humiliated my marriage to you. Get Lost. I HATE YOU> I get in the car and so does he. Start to drive and he lunges for me and wraps his hands around my neck and presses my face agenst the drivers side window. Fear Fear Fear. He has been drinking he doesnt know this could kill me. I tried to beg but there was no sound . I lost conciousness. I guess the car started moveing and he let go. More than I could bar when I pulled the car down friends got in so I said you will never touch me and busted him in the face. He lunged for my neck. Smashed me agenst the window. This time 5 cops rushed the car and smashed his face to the ground durring their struggle.

After seeing his face I didnt press charges. Big mistake. He had never even raised his voice to me. Never touched me. I was always the one to scream. I knew what I knew and he would get me so frustraited for not showing an ounce of emotion for me I would scream.

The big mistake for not prosecuteing him is that he never had to admit to anyone he hurt me. Eventhough his best friend was in the car he nevr breathed a word. His family believes that I landed him in jail, poor baby.Everyone believes he is a nice boy. I felt further betraied that he didnt own up to the distruction he created both socially and personally. He could care less how wonded I was. I would ask him to tell his family the truth. To clear my name. Tell them I wasn't the couse of him getting arrested. lHe was pried off my neck by 5 officers and becouse I didn't procicute It was never formally reported. Every one thinks I landed HIM there by couseing some kind of comotion.His father stopped even looking at me. So What, he is a mean man anyway. But he started flapping his mouth to everyone. TELL THE TRUTH would you?

He could care less the truth. He still looks good to people. Thats the important thing. He still looks like the Golden Boy. He told me it was my virsion. Deal with it.

I left as soon as my girls were out of school. I left til school started. I was seeking counceling to deal with his neglect of me and now I had this to deal with. I loved this *uck. I couldnt understand why he kept me so distant but now when I look at his life he was probably skrewing that girl years ago and maybe this one as well. He was a LITTLE MAN. I treated him with so much affection til he just pushed me away early on. Most likely an afair.

Facts are he is the ass. I forgave him 6 years later with no help from him and said we need to realy repair our relationship insted of just function like a family. He responded with hostility I had not seen since the US Open. Angry for wanting to make a great life. What a Prick. He was having dinner and staying over and going on vacation . All the perks of family AND going to the club twice a week.

In his mind he was doing nothing wrong because I had been angry for so long. But I made it clear the whole time he was not to see anyone. We were not separated in the classic sence. He was small. Not man enough to be faithful. Since I had no hard evediance of infidelity I was sticking it out til he realised how important being togeather was for the family we created.

 

Bubbles- I get what you were saying and people just dont like to hear the truth. You are a welcome addition to this thread. The club I went to had Prostitution all over. In the privte rooms there was full weenie contact and the place has its own attached hotel. Its right downtown next to a big Jazz club. I have to know who gets paid off to keep it operating for 30 years.

Ive been to regular clubs where the owner keeps things honest as well. I think its fine if a girl wants to earn big bucks in a short time but I have to wonder what makes a girl actually do it. I was tempted when I was 20 but knew there was no possiable way I could get off the stage and let anyone near me. And I got to thinking that some of these guys are sneaking and lieing to their wives. Thats not your problem but I didn't want to be a part of that. I told him you girls think he is pathetic although he is attractive. What do the girls think of a guy who is well built and goodlooking? Are you relieved? Do you try to be first to introduce yourself? Plus Im sure it was well known he had money. Now that I have the finances under my control I see he was useing about 700.00 per month. I have more money with him out of the picture than I ever had. I just learned he may have to file bankrupsy. Addiction. I don't think your a skank, eventhough it was girls like you that were a part of my heartache. Just like its not theother womans fault. Your Man has free will. This strip club gave me the oppertunity to know without a doubt Who He Is. The club made it easy. No question. No Hope.

This thing is too long. I'm a windbag!

[leslie]

My husband and I are still together. We are in therapy and taking it day by day. As I said before, we use technology (GPS) and both accept that there is no trust at present.

 

I find it sad and comforting to hear the other stories of women in similar situations. There is no question that this is a real problem. The scars are deep, and sadly, there are often innocent children involved. Futhermore, I don't think these men realize what they are doing. My husband said the first time he did this he "couldn't believe it was legal." They are following a very primal instinct and finding a way to "rationalize" what they know deep down to be wrong. The longer and more involved they are in the practice, the deeper their endorsement and rationalization has to become to protect their own identity. I agree fully with the person who said "this has nothing to do with me". That doesn't make it hurt less, but it is important to realize nonetheless.

 

My husband displays severe guilt and remoarse...says he "feels like half a husband" now that he realizes the pain he has caused. These situations have no winners, only losers. The husband, wife, strippers, and especially the children all lose. In the past when I confronted him I got explanations like, "there are 2 kinds of wives, those who allow their husbands to do this and those who are lied to." OUCH, I know. If he were still saying that we would not be together right now. There is no hope unless the man WANTS to change. Right now I believe he does, but I'll keep you posted.

 

I appreciated the stripper's perspective. Thank you for sharing. I have spent a lot of time reading and trying to learn more about this underworld. The deception hurts so badly, and I find myself trying to visualize what went on, the conversations, interactions he has been having with other women all these years. I appreciate the candidacy of the stripper, and certainly don't blame the women who profit from this. A question for those with experience, is it believable that a man would spent $400 at a strip bar and come home sober and not have done more than friction dance? (for example, hand or blow jobs) We are still arguing about this point. I really don't believe it. Would love to hear a stripper's view of this.

 

I also appreciate the other posts about books to read, and the frank discussion about what has come after this type of discovery. It is important for women to be open about these things so that other women can learn from this. The quieter we all are, the easier for unfaithful husbands to operate. I am hopeful my marriage can be saved, but it will be years before I stop playing detective (if ever). I also advise hiring a private investigator. I plan to do this at intervals over the next few years. I no longer trust my own ability to be "objective" given that I love this person. Love clouds your judgement (BTW I don't think that is always bad).

 

Well that's all for now. Thanks again to all who have offered their words of wisdom and support.

[Bubbles the stripper]

hi

 

in answer to your question Leslie, yes it is possible that a man could spend $400 just for a lap dance. Having said that, it's not dancing the whole time. I have had customers pay $1500 to book me for the night and you just sit there and talk and get pissed. This was at my club, however I don't know about clubs in other places. I do know of clubs where there is kissing and nipple sucking, blow jobs etc. These are pretty low class establishments (in the schema of strip clubs lol). Leslie, you have every right to be suspicious, I mean your trust has been violated. I have women come into my club before "looking for their man". I have seen huge fights when the man in question has actually been there. It's pretty horrific, especially when so much damage is done to a marriage and there is kids involved.

 

I don't have a guilty conscience about what I have done, however i have removed myself from situations like these out of respect for that particular situation. To be quite honest, it is very rare that a man will book you for any amount of time and talk about their family. Men are at these clubs to pretend to be someone else for a little while. I have learnt in my own relationships to keep everything open because sadly a lot of men are sneaky and have egos that need to be stroked. No offence to the men that post here or read these posts. Believe me, I have heard it ALL. After 5 years nothing surprises me anymore lol. The best thing to do is talk about stuff like this before you get married and I guess always try to be open and wanting to experiemnt a little, because it takes the novelty away if your partner has a bit more of an interest than what you are comfortable with.

 

One other thing is to always have boundaries, and if those boundaries are crossed, then your partner shoulb be aware of the consequences and follow through with what you said. I'm so sorry Leslie that you have to play detective now, that must be so draining for you, physically and emotionally. I hope that you take time out every now and then and do stuff relaxing for you. I hope that you recover from this....

[Jersey Shortie]

"And even if it is a fantasy, at least for a short time they can feel respected and appreciated."

 

 

Maybe the husband needs to make an effort to make her feel respected and appreciated so that she will feel like being more sexual with him and giving him what he wants. You certainly don't do that by going to visit other women.

[honeybunch2k5]

^^I agree. From my experience, guy will stop doing to sweet things (bringing flowers, opening doors, saying nice things) but still want to get laid often and have his ego stroked.

 

That may be the reason they go,but it is not a good excuse. It is definitely not a good excuse to waste $200 a month on another woman. That money will buy a whole lot of food or some clothing for a family. With $200 he could have taken his wife to a fancy smancy resturant instead of spending it on a half naked (or completely naked) woman. Two hundred dollars will buy quite a bit of chocolates and roses. I don't think I'd tolerate that very well. My first thought would be to throw all his **** outside as he was coming home from one of those clubs.

[JamesM]

It is definitely not a good excuse to waste $200 a month on another woman. That money will buy a whole lot of food or some clothing for a family. With $200 he could have taken his wife to a fancy smancy resturant instead of spending it on a half naked (or completely naked) woman. Two hundred dollars will buy quite a bit of chocolates and roses.

 

Please don't shoot me but this is what women don't get. $200 buys him a guarantee that a woman will be half naked or more. He knows that this money will buy him a fantasy. When he spends the money on roses and chocolate, there is no guarantee or even a partial guarantee...,or he would do so. Men tend to go to clubs such as these, because they need the pleasure that is not being brought at home. Yes, I know men need to work for the pleasure, but if he isn't "rewarded" once in awhile, he will become frustrated. Men want their wives sexually for many reasons. Women have committed this to them when they were married. Changing the rules after the marriage guarantees changed behavior.

 

Yes, we need to do sweet things, but that is no guarantee. I can well remember my wife saying how sweet I was, and she was lucky to have me, but there was still no interest in having sex.

 

She would have told you there was nothing I could have done differently. To her "sweet things" became a reminder that she was a failure at intimacy.

 

Me...I have a hard time buying into the fantasy of strip clubs, so I cannot spend the money. But yes, I can understand men who do.

[Justine26]

I know—have always known—that my husband (who is younger and less experienced than me, especially when it comes to sex) likes strip joints. But we’ve never really talked about it. I used to see male strip shows when I was younger, and I really have no problem with stripping per se, but I have my limits (the thought of my husband touching another woman, for example is crossing these limits).

 

In the past, however, I have been really touchy about certain behaviors, though, for example if he sees other women in the street and starts going off about how gorgeous she is, or some actress on TV.

 

I don’t know why I assumed that he didn’t go to strip clubs while we were married (5 years), but he never mentioned it, and I just assumed that he would say so if he went. He always tells me (sometimes during sex, which we have a lot of, and it’s really good) that his ultimate fantasy is to see me strip, which I have done on some occasions, but not lately, since I have been pregnant and have had a baby. And then he has also mentioned how he enjoys strip bars (mostly says this when he’s had a couple of drinks).

 

Now I find out that he in fact has been to strip bars during our marriage, he claims it has happened once or twice a year. So why hasn’t he told me? Because he knew that I was uncomfortable having him gawk at other women, and he also just assumed that I knew he did this secretly and chose ignore it. He says this is common (oh, really? Male delusion, or what?)

 

Well, for him it’s no big deal, he doesn’t understand why I’m upset, because he says it’s all very innocent, and that he has never done anything that even resembles cheating.

 

However, I am upset. Especially because he admits that he would have a problem with me going to male strip shows in secrecy. I also have a problem with trust now. He said he went for the last time last year, and I checked that period of time and realized through ATM statements that he had gone to the next state over where they are more liberal and the strip bars are pretty wild.

 

Apparently he does these things when I’m away for a week or two (not often, perhaps once or twice a year).

 

It’s weird, because I used to trust him 100 %, but now I don’t. And I feel the urge to actually go out and flirt with guys and just have good time, getting lots of male attention (without cheating, of course), because I feel like such a fool. I feel that my ego really needs stroking now. But I haven’t, of course, because I think that would mean the end of us.

 

I wouldn’t mind going to strip joints with him, I actually think it would spice up our sex life. But now I’m not sure that that’s what he wants. I don’t want to tell him he can’t go, either, but I mean, I have to know I can trust him. Right now I don’t know if I do.

[honeybunch2k5]

Please don't shoot me but this is what women don't get. $200 buys him a guarantee that a woman will be half naked or more. He knows that this money will buy him a fantasy. When he spends the money on roses and chocolate, there is no guarantee or even a partial guarantee...,or he would do so. Men tend to go to clubs such as these, because they need the pleasure that is not being brought at home. Yes, I know men need to work for the pleasure, but if he isn't "rewarded" once in awhile, he will become frustrated. Men want their wives sexually for many reasons. Women have committed this to them when they were married. Changing the rules after the marriage guarantees changed behavior.

 

Yes, we need to do sweet things, but that is no guarantee. I can well remember my wife saying how sweet I was, and she was lucky to have me, but there was still no interest in having sex.

 

She would have told you there was nothing I could have done differently. To her "sweet things" became a reminder that she was a failure at intimacy.

 

Me...I have a hard time buying into the fantasy of strip clubs, so I cannot spend the money. But yes, I can understand men who do.

 

Don't worry, I'm not going to shoot you. I think you have a valid point. I've read in this forum about men who did EVERYTHING for their wives, but they couldn't even get a few minutes of affection or time in the sack. I think it's the unspoken thyought that a man should do all the romantic things, but a woman does not necessarily have to reciprocate... I've dated men who had been with women like that.

[Woggle]

I told my wife before we got married that I like to go to a strip club and hang with the guys once in a while and if she has a problem with that she can find another man. She has no problem with it and even says she will hire strippers in a few years for my 30th birthday.

[catgirl1927]

It's so important to get that stuff out beforehand. Open marriages are fine, as long as both people are ok with it, and it's not cheating. It sucks when you find out your SO has been lying and cheating and laughing at your humiliation for years. Communication is SO important.

[honeybunch2k5]

Wow. What does this really say about men? It's really sad that men have so little self control and decency and such hate and contempt for women that they have to humiliate their wives this way. Why do men get married? I just don't understand the need to hurt other people.

 

 

I was thinking the same thing...I get the feeling that even if I am the perfect wife, I'd still have a husband who wants to look at porn, go to boobie bars, lie, etc.

[catgirl1927]

I was thinking the same thing...I get the feeling that even if I am the perfect wife, I'd still have a husband who wants to look at porn, go to boobie bars, lie, etc.

 

If you listen to the men on this site, you will. According to most of them, all men need women on the side, and they say it's because men have "needs" and because polygamy is natural for them. But in the real world, there are real men who don't have to fool around. There are so many good guys out there, don't lose hope.

[JamesM]

If you listen to the men on this site, you will. According to most of them, all men need women on the side, and they say it's because men have "needs" and because polygamy is natural for them. But in the real world, there are real men who don't have to fool around. There are so many good guys out there, don't lose hope.

 

I am sure I am somehow included in this "most men" comment, but how many here say that "all men need women on the side?" Most men that I read say that men should feel comfortable in asking/requesting/expecting sex from their wife. And women do not always seem to think the same way...but they certainly expect their husband to remain monogamous. And most men I read here much prefer sex with their wives...and no one else.

 

The funny things is that "most men" who come here have done so because they feel committed to their wives and want to avoid affairs.

 

If I were to read this forum...and especially the OM/OW Board, most men and women cheat. I am constantly amazed at how many WOMEN cheat.

 

Just my two cents.

[catgirl1927]

Why would you assume you were included in the "most men" statement?

 

And you are obviously reading different posts than I am. Read the strip club threads.

[JamesM]

Why would you assume you were included in the "most men" statement?

 

And you are obviously reading different posts than I am. Read the strip club threads.

 

Because I am a man who is on this site.

 

When I refer to most men on this site, I am assuming we are referring to the men who post in all forums, Boards, etc....not just those responding to the Strip Club Threads. But yes, when I read those, you have a point. And yes, although I understand why they enjoy strip clubs, I cannot enjoy them or condone them....if married.

[Jersey Shortie]

I was thinking the same thing...I get the feeling that even if I am the perfect wife, I'd still have a husband who wants to look at porn, go to boobie bars, lie, etc.

 

 

 

 

I agree. No matter what ya do it is never enough for them. Kind of makes you ask: "Why bother in the first place." Either way you get screwed over.

[catgirl1927]

Because I am a man who is on this site.

 

When I refer to most men on this site, I am assuming we are referring to the men who post in all forums, Boards, etc....not just those responding to the Strip Club Threads. But yes, when I read those, you have a point. And yes, although I understand why they enjoy strip clubs, I cannot enjoy them or condone them....if married.

 

So you assumed. I didn't say that at all.

 

If you are not one of the men on this site who condones outside activity during marriage, then I am not talking about you, and so you are angry for no reason. And you are the rare decent guy on this site, so congratulate yourself.

 

See, I said "most" so I could avoid this exact argument. DAMN.

[JamesM]

So you assumed. I didn't say that at all.

 

If you are not one of the men on this site who condones outside activity during marriage, then I am not talking about you, and so you are angry for no reason. And you are the rare decent guy on this site, so congratulate yourself.

 

See, I said "most" so I could avoid this exact argument. DAMN.

 

I assumed....yes. I am not angry...no. And your comments did not anger me...no. Right now...as then....I am smiling...yes. :) :)

 

Thank you for the comment. I appreciate it.

 

And no I wasn't arguing either. But yes, I was discussing with you the possibility that the word "most" was probably a bit more than I saw. However, as I said, you have a point...it is interesting how many there are, as it is amazing to me how many men and women cheat on their spouses and come here and tell us.

 

So, catgirl...peace and love. No hard feelings. And now, I will enjoy reading your other posts so I can get to "know" you a bit better.