Gunny376 Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 To keep you laughing instead of crying! What does a hurricane, tornado and divorce have in common in Alabama? Somehow, someway, someone's fixin' to lose a house trailer!
Brittjean06 Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 took a bit to register that but all in all pretty funny hahaha
Lor Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 Yeah, my husband and I just split up. I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an azzhole." ~~~~~ My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.
Author Gunny376 Posted August 11, 2006 Author Posted August 11, 2006 "Mr. Mouse you can't divorce your wife, just because she's insane! said the Divorce Judge "I didn't say she was insane, your Honor!" said Mickey Mouse, "I said she was ****** Goofy!"
Author Gunny376 Posted August 11, 2006 Author Posted August 11, 2006 I told my wife I'd like to have sex! She told me, "I'll leave the room, so you can have some privacy!"
Author Gunny376 Posted August 11, 2006 Author Posted August 11, 2006 How can you tell if a man's lying? His lips are moving!
Author Gunny376 Posted August 11, 2006 Author Posted August 11, 2006 A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the SOB to death with the chair!"
HokeyReligions Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 Question: Why is divorce so expensive? Answer: Because it's worth it. ~~~~~ Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. ~~~~~ For Sale Wedding dress, size 12. Worn once by mistake. ~~~~~ There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage. ~~~~~ "I'm a big opponent of divorce. Why leave the nut you got for one you don't know?" -- Loretta Lynn ~~~~~ Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car. ~~~~~ First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." ~~~~~ Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." ~~~~~ The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him). ~~~~~ Former Education Secretary William Bennett attended a modern wedding where the bride and groom pledged in their wedding vows to remain together "as long as love shall last." Bennett said, "I sent paper plates as my wedding gift." ~~~~~ My soon-to-be ex-husband brought his girlfriend to divorce court this week. I guess they figured she might as well know what to expect. ~~~~~ A Woman's Perfect Breakfast You're sitting at the breakfast table..... Your son's picture is on the box of Wheaties. Your daughter is on the cover of Fortune. Your boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. Your husband is on the back of the milk carton. ~~~~~ A ninety-year-old couple decide to get a divorce. They go to the judge and say, "Judge, we want a divorce." The judge says, "You've been married 70 years and now you want to get a divorce? Why did you wait so long?" The couple say in unison, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead." ~~~~~ Love may be blind, but marriage Is a real eye-opener! ~~~~~ Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll be a Great Trade! ~~~~~ They need a new line of greeting cards just for divorce... Front of card would say..."Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder..." Then you open the card and inside it would say: "What the #(*#$($* was I thinking?" or Front of card would say: "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...". Then you open the card and it says: "that you're not here to ruin it for me." ~~~~~ A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported. The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. "How so?" the encouraged man asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side." ~~~~~ We were very happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for ten years! ~~~~~ Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. ~~~~~ "I've never been married, but I tell people that I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me." -- Elayne Boosler ~~~~~ At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man." ~~~~ I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. ~~~~ Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? A. Shoot him again. ~~~~~ Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. ~~~~~ If you want to end relationships I just say, "I want to marry you so we can live together forever." Sometimes they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner ~~~~~ When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. ~~~~~ Breaking up. It happens kind of suddenly. One minute you're holding hands walking down the street -- and the next minute you're lying on the floor crying and all the good CD's are missing. ~~~~~ A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard ladies-of-the-night there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Vegas, too. I want to see you live on $800 a year." ~~~~~ Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. ~~~~~ Q: What are a married man's two greatest assets? A: A closed mouth and an open wallet. ~~~~~ Drivers License A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It is not polite." "OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex."
Author Gunny376 Posted August 11, 2006 Author Posted August 11, 2006 HokeyRelgion! Thanks for the laughs and the smiles! Put some new wrinkles and laugh lines on my face with those, as I'm sure they will others! Especially love the one about Vegas!
RecordProducer Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 I also loved them all and laughed hard at these two: Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll be a Great Trade! Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering He married Miss Right. He just didn't know her first name was Always!
Author Gunny376 Posted August 11, 2006 Author Posted August 11, 2006 You've got to find a way to laugh ~ to keep from crying! Life is short! Sometimes life is just to ridculious to live! Die Laughing!
Author Gunny376 Posted August 11, 2006 Author Posted August 11, 2006 Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? A. Because when you take it off, you wonder where her boobs went!
iron_m Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 A man goes to the toy store to buy a barbie for the daugther... among the 10000 barbies, he spotted: Classic Barbie : 19.99 Surfer Barbie : 29.99 Executive Barbie: 49.99 and so on... then he sees this add: Divorced Barbie: 1999.99 The man asks: what's the deal on the divorced Barbie? and the vendor says: well... The divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's home, Ken's dog... :laugh:
dgiirl Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 I dont remember who posted this originally, but I think I read it on loveshack. -- She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere! Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and, within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods. I just love a happy ending, don't you? --
Author Gunny376 Posted August 11, 2006 Author Posted August 11, 2006 Both times I got married ~ I got married for "keeps" And, I'll be damn if both times they didn't keep it all!
DieselPWR Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 Me and my wife were happy for years; then we got married. I have written a book on all that I have found out about women : it is entitled, " " For sale: Entire set of encylcopedias: $100.00- Wife knows everything.
Lor Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 A young woman is divorced after only a few years of marriage, and it is not long before her friends begin to ask her if she is thinking of marrying again. Right now, no," the young woman answers "I've hardly begun to enjoy using the remote control." Jill went to the bank and applied for a loan. "I want a loan, I'm going to divorce my husband." "Oh, we don't give loans for divorces" the manager says, "We make loans for appliances, automobiles, businesses, home improvements...." Jill interrupts and says, "Well, this is certainly a 'Home Improvement." This guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was filing for divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to the grounds for the suit. "I've got grounds, all right," sputtered the irate husband. "Can you believe my wife told me I'm a lousy lover?" "That's why you're suing?" pursued his lawyer. "Of course not. I'm suing because she knows the difference." These days, parents pray the youngest child will get married and move out before the oldest one gets divorced and moves back in.
Guest Posted August 13, 2006 Posted August 13, 2006 A man goes into a toy shop to buy a Barbie doll for his little girl... The shop assistant shows him Malibu Barbie $29.95, Prom Princess Barbie $32.95, and Divorce Barbie $235.95. "Why is Divorce Barbie so expensive?" asks the man, "Well. says the assistant, she comes with all of Ken's stuff too" Badaboom!
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