In love Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 Hi Guys, This is my first day on here and I need answers. I was on the internet trying to find some answers to the way that I am feeling. OK let me explain...... I am in love with a married man. We met about 5 years ago when he came through a program where I work(recovery). He cleaned himself up and has become a motivational speaker helping recovering addicts. He always keept himself involved with my organization and the staff that helped him with his recovery, so over the last 5 years we have spent alot of time together. Well recently, this changed. I noticed that our conversations changed, and became much more personal. The normal "Hey, how are you" hand shake became a "You are looking GOOD today" hug. Yall get the picture. OK so here is the problem. I am involved with someone, he is married, his wife is suffering with cancer, and I am madly in love with him. I feel terrible about cheating on my boyfriend, and most of all cheating with a dying womens husband. He feels bad as well, but neither of us are able to walk away (trust me, both of us have tried) What should I do? I know that most would say that I selfish and need to call it quits. But I just dont think that is going to happen. I love him too much.
sarme Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 If you love each other as much as you say you do you will do what is right for the two of you and the innocent bystanders. You need to stop cheating on your boyfriend, and he needs to focus on his wife's last days (if they are her last days). If what the two of you have is real and not just a strong infatuation (sexually speaking) then your love will see you both through the suffering of being apart. You will do no good by staying together now with unfinished business on both ends. Sooner or later when the novelty wares off from the flying sparks of the beginning, reality will set in and it will eat away at what little you have together if you continue like this. Love is about losing to gain sometimes, if you understand this and have faith that a sacrafice today will benefit you immensely tomorrow, things can work for the best. If being apart makes it all fizzle into nothingness then it was going to happen eventually if you stayed together as you are, and you would have suffered even more. I met my Mman 6months ago and in two months we developed something v strong, not physical (we kissed once) more emotional. I put an end to it at the four month mark it was extremely hard, we love each other and want to be together, but for both our sanity it was best this way. He is now moving out in a week and starting his divorce process (at least that is his plan re. the divorce). Personally I feel better seeing a seperated man, and getting to know him as seperated than seeing a married man who lies to his wife to be with me. My concsience is now clean and I can proceed as a responsible adult for a chance at a normal reltionship. If you lie to each other to be together, I beleive it is not a strong foundation to build a solid relationship of trust and true love. It won't be easy and it takes a lot of strenght but you need to think of the long term goal.
Chinook Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 I feel terrible about cheating on my boyfriend, and most of all cheating with a dying womens husband. He feels bad as well First let me say this, no offence is intended... I've had cancer and it is very likely that I will die from it. So, believe me, I know what I'm talking about... It seems to me that you both are not feeling that bad about things - so much so that you can't walk away. Sorry but you can walk away. The question is, should you...? IMHO, I think in this case, possibly not. She's going to die anyways. But you know what the ONE true fear of a cancer patient is...? Dying alone and unloved and in pain. Why don't you think about this the next time you put your arms around this woman's husband. IMO the very least you could do is wait until a more appropriate time for this. HE is vulnerable and under a significant amount of life-event trauma and stress... therefore it is likely to be YOU who needs to be proactive. No, you do not need to walk away from him. But you do not need to be with him RIGHT NOW. Let him do the right thing.
Guest Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 I agree with everything Sarme said. I would like to congratulate Sarme on not seeing a MM until he was separated. If other OWs behaved the same way, a lot of heart ache all round would be avoided. The MMs who just want to have their cake and eat it too would soon be exposed. If the marriage is genuinely ending then separating gives everyone the chance to move on. It is a fact of life that people will meet and develop feelings for on another when still involved in relationships.. its your actions after that that matter.
theantibarbie23 Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 If in fact, this man is cheating while his wife is dying from cancer.... how can you possibly think he's a good guy? Stress (him withdrawing or changing his attitude/behaviors around her) can actually speed up the progression of her disease. He HAS to know this and yet he's willing to risk taking away some of the little time she has left in order to fufill his own selfish agenda? That's beyond cold. I believe that if he actually felt badly about this, he would take this time to try and ease her passing rather than think of himself and HIS needs. This should give you a clue as to his real character. If he can not put someone else first when they are dying and dependant upon him, I can't see him doing so under any other circumstances. I wish you well but think you need to realize this guy is likely not the person you have made him out to be in your mind.
consternation Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 Just in response to antibarbie... I am a widow and I feel that nobody can judge the actions of someone in grief. Having your partner or child die is probably the most significant event that can happen to you, your world is turned upside down. I don't know this man (obviously) and it seems, to me, very inappropriate to be involved in an affair whilst his wife is dying. But I don't know what stresses and burdens he has had to carry... he may be struggling to keep his head above water at all, let alone see clearly in regards to relationships. If he has children, and they somehow discover the affair, then the devestation wreaked upon them would be lifelong, I will say that. I am unsure how this situation could develop. I don't think it could be real though (the relationship / affair)... how could you be in an emotional state to develop a relationship with someone when your partner is dying? Either 1. you couldnt - but maybe you are faking it just to have a space that seems filled with 'life' and happiness in comparison or 2. you are extremely callous. Unfortunately when people get to the point of feeling in love (myself included) then all other considerations seem to go out the door... yes we beat ourselves up about being involved in an inappropriate relationship, but no, we rarely leave them - so long as we are ín love'.
sarme Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 This message is in response to the Antibarbie: Consternation, I totally agree with you. If I had a dime for every post I read on this forum that states the same old proverbial redundancies, we'd all be rich. If there is one thing this whole experience of almost becoming an OW, and having been cheated on once before has taught me it is that life is NOT black and white. Not all circumstances are as they appear, not all circumstance can be judged in the same way as not all people are painted with the same brush. Enough with the "if he did it to her he will do to you, any man who cheats will always cheat" and the "well now you know what he is made of, any man that would do such a thing is obviously not a good man" What is a good man? One who does not make mistakes? As Consternation said, we don't know what this person's circumstances are prior to his wife getting ill. Yes what he is doing is morally wrong, as perceived by the masses but who are we really to judge how a person should act when they are in love? Some would argue love is a choice, and to some extend it is, but in order for the heart to open itself up to true love there must be no love in it already. I am talking about LOVE not LUST. If a man chooses to fall in love with another woman it is because his heart was open to it. Now whether that same man should stay with his dying wife or not is his personal moral dilemma and the woman he chooses to get involved with. Not all men are the same, just as not all women are. But if two conscenting adults try to do things in a way in which they know that they may have stepped over some boundaries and now they must do what is right for their souls, then who are WE to judge a person's character because of a moment of weakness (as perceived from the outside) A person who is dealing with something as hard as having a spouse die of cancer is under an immense amount of stress and trauma, no matter how they manifest themselves day to day. Yes he is cheating, yes he is doing something morally wrong but he is also getting comfort in finding someone who cares for him while he cares for a love that is dying. It is a hard pill to swallow but we don't really know what their relationship was like before she became ill. I think infidelity is never right, but that's just me, yet I can appreciate that love has a shelf life and unkept love is love waiting to die. there are those people who look for an escape and just want something new and exciting and want no complications and then there are those hoping for a reason to get out because they don't have the strength to do it on their own. Or simply put people who have something happen to them that they never imagined would. The remorse and the guilt are there but the love that grew inside was unstoppable, we can stop our actions unfortunatele we cannot stop our hearts. Either way not everyone is as strong as they could be, and the important thing is not the mistakes we make but how we grow from them. Pointing fingers and classifying people because of the circumstances they live, only keeps us from understanding and actually growing. The amount of wisdom that I have seen in this forum alone can only come from people who have made mistakes, and have chosen to learn from them.
LilMa06 Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 This message is in response to the Antibarbie: Consternation, I totally agree with you. If I had a dime for every post I read on this forum that states the same old proverbial redundancies, we'd all be rich. If there is one thing this whole experience of almost becoming an OW, and having been cheated on once before has taught me it is that life is NOT black and white. Not all circumstances are as they appear, not all circumstance can be judged in the same way as not all people are painted with the same brush. Enough with the "if he did it to her he will do to you, any man who cheats will always cheat" and the "well now you know what he is made of, any man that would do such a thing is obviously not a good man" What is a good man? One who does not make mistakes? As Consternation said, we don't know what this person's circumstances are prior to his wife getting ill. Yes what he is doing is morally wrong, as perceived by the masses but who are we really to judge how a person should act when they are in love? Some would argue love is a choice, and to some extend it is, but in order for the heart to open itself up to true love there must be no love in it already. I am talking about LOVE not LUST. If a man chooses to fall in love with another woman it is because his heart was open to it. Now whether that same man should stay with his dying wife or not is his personal moral dilemma and the woman he chooses to get involved with. Not all men are the same, just as not all women are. But if two conscenting adults try to do things in a way in which they know that they may have stepped over some boundaries and now they must do what is right for their souls, then who are WE to judge a person's character because of a moment of weakness (as perceived from the outside) A person who is dealing with something as hard as having a spouse die of cancer is under an immense amount of stress and trauma, no matter how they manifest themselves day to day. Yes he is cheating, yes he is doing something morally wrong but he is also getting comfort in finding someone who cares for him while he cares for a love that is dying. It is a hard pill to swallow but we don't really know what their relationship was like before she became ill. I think infidelity is never right, but that's just me, yet I can appreciate that love has a shelf life and unkept love is love waiting to die. there are those people who look for an escape and just want something new and exciting and want no complications and then there are those hoping for a reason to get out because they don't have the strength to do it on their own. Or simply put people who have something happen to them that they never imagined would. The remorse and the guilt are there but the love that grew inside was unstoppable, we can stop our actions unfortunatele we cannot stop our hearts. Either way not everyone is as strong as they could be, and the important thing is not the mistakes we make but how we grow from them. Pointing fingers and classifying people because of the circumstances they live, only keeps us from understanding and actually growing. The amount of wisdom that I have seen in this forum alone can only come from people who have made mistakes, and have chosen to learn from them. Sarme! I could not have said it better!! I really feel that alot of people are in lust and thus they get involved in these situations but I deeply feel that there are some of us who have genuine feelings and unique situations that maybe immoral and at the same time, hit us so fast we didn't know what happened. I hope this is understandable for i am not very articulate when it comes to writing my thoughts but thats my two cents
theantibarbie23 Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 Yes what he is doing is morally wrong, as perceived by the masses but who are we really to judge how a person should act when they are in love? I'm not bashing OW or saying all MM are bad people. I'm close friends with an OW. I'm saying that someone who would risk causing their spouse's condition to more quickly deteriorate (thus giving her less time on this Earth) in order to persue their own happiness, is being selfish. Period. A person deserves to be able to die peacefully and I just don't see how it is justifiable for a spouse to jeporadize that. In love or not. I am tired of people saying it's okay to be as self-centered as you want to be as long as it makes you happy. There are things more important in this world than one's own personal happiness. I have taken care of a terminally ill person twice before and yes, it was hell. The first time I was only 19 and had to quit college and give up a full scholarship to do so. The person I was caring for was a parent whom I loathed. I had to take care of him because my mother was unable to while she worked and we had no funds for a private nurse. He was an abusive jerk but I sucked it up and did it because it was the right thing to do and I would hope someone would do the same for me. The second time I was a bit older (24) and I took care of my grandfather whom I loved dearly since my grandmother was too weak to and he did not want to leave his home during his final days. There are things in this world that we as individuals will find repugnant the next person may not. I personally find it wrong to risk the physical wellbeing of another person, even if they are dying. Let them enjoy the little time they have left. I don't think that's an outlandish request. Cancer doesn't take long to do it's work when it's in it's final stages. It wouldn't be asking them to wait very long at all. People get deployed in the military for longer than that. I don't understand why they can't respectfully just chill out for a couple of months. It honestly would not be the end of the world. If they really love one another, they could manage it. That is just my two cents for whatever it's worth.
Guest Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 I have cancer and my husband just walked out on me. I am worried that the stress I am under will progress my disease. I can not begin to understand the concept of being "in love" with a married person. I would never want to spend time with someone that promised themselves to another and then pursued me. It would be an absolute turn-off to me. It speaks to their morals and values or lack there of. If one is the pursuer, the same. The "I can't help it" thing doesn't work either. A relationship takes time, energy, planning. It's an active process filled with decisions and choices. Make different decisions and choices! It's not brain surgery. Have a little self respect and dignity. Get out and find a person who can be fully available and able to commit to you! If you are not doing that, perhaps you should ask yourself why. Just a thought.
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