almostthere Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 my bf and i have been together for one year. for the first 7 months of our relationship his exwife called two to three times a day to argue with him and ask for him back. every time everyday. and everytime the phone rang he would answer asking me and my kids if they were there to be quiet so she wouldnt know we were there. they would argue for 30 mins to hour usually every time. but he still kept answering. he hid me from his kids, refused to meet me and my kids with his kids for dinner on sweetest day, and has broken plans with me a lot to go to his ex's house to argue with her instead of coming with me. this is not happening anymore. not since May. Now, when i ask him to tlak to his exwife about somethng he waits until finally she brings it up. For example...he drives a money order to her house after work every thursday for child support. I am tired of it since he works 80 hours a week and i never see him. so i asked that he tells her they will be mailed from now on. they argue about it then he gets mad at me. he always tiptoes around her and makes me upset but god forbid if he argues with her instead. I cannot get over the fact of how he has and ios acting towards his exwife. it was not his choice to divorce. she cheated on him and he asked her to stay and he would forgive him. she divorced him a few months later for another man. i am not sure he ever got over her. why do you think he was acting that way? taking every call when he knew it was to argue? hiding me from her? ditching me to argue with her? do you think he was cheating on me? do you think he was thinking about whether or not he should believe that she changed her mind and wants him back? How do i get over this and move on? I am so angry at myself for never yelling at him and telling him seriously how it made me feel. i dont know what to do now with all this resentment....how do you let it go to move on in the relationship?
norajane Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 Maybe you could start talking to him now and tell him how you've been feeling all this time. If you haven't said anything, maybe he doesn't realize the full extent of how hurt and upset you've been. It's possible he got involved with you too soon after his divorce and didn't have enough time to deal with it. That's no excuse for him hiding your relationship from his ex, and there's no reason you should have to bottle up your feelings about it. Why are you tiptoeing around him? Why don't you speak up even if it leads to arguments?
Author almostthere Posted August 10, 2006 Author Posted August 10, 2006 I have talked to him several times since then but he just doesnt talk about it. he just stares at the wall. I never get a satisfying answer out of him about why he did that to me. and i dont think he gets just how much it hurt or bothered me. I dont bring it up much anymore because it "the past" now. and why should we argue about the past (i want to but he feels it is a waste of time). I never showed how angry i was back then because i felt that as his girlfriend i should support and understand when he is upset. i know i know shame on me. why would i put my feelings aside for anyone. how do i bring it up again without him starring at the wall? My friends are very vengeful and they have been giving me suggestions like get him back somehow. not horribly mean ways but they are firm believers that some people just dont get it til it happens to them. but do i really want to stoop to that. i dont feel it is right. I guess i could bring it up again but what will it help? isnt it my problem now? i keep drilling it into him the past month that it is time to worry about how i feel not her. that this relationship doesnt include her and she is now reduced to just being the mom of your kids. what else do i need to do or say to make this man stop tiptoeing around her? and do things that will make me happy instead of her? I just dont know anymore. i feel that this is my issue and i need to deal with it without involving him since i didnt handle it the correct way in the beginning. I should have refused the invitation to come over and be hidden in his bedroom when the kids were there. I should have been loud in the background when he told me to be quiet. i should have left when all he did was argue with his exwife on the phone. and i should have broken up with him until he could put his feelings for her to rest. assuming he had feelings still. So i believe i should keep quiet. am i wrong to bring it up again for the 5th time since then? how am i ever going to feel better about this? he cannot go back and change it nor can i. what do i really need for him to say or day to make it better? and why can i just not get past it? i think i need to take a long walk and make some major decisions in my life.
norajane Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 You need him to say he understands how you feel, and he's sorry, and that you're the most important woman in his life, and he doesn't want to f*ck things up with you. You need him to acknowledge that he treated you badly, and is still doing so, and that he wants to focus on doing things that make you feel good, instead of making you feel like you don't count. Maybe you could go for that long walk and then write him a letter. Sometimes the written word makes more of an impact than talking.
everybody_chill Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 I just went through a very similar situation with a girl I dated. Except that it was her ex husband that would call while we were out on dates. He would call just to get to her. When I confronted her about it, I was told that I am possessive - which I am not. That was my situation and I decided to break it off even though I really liked her. I mean I know I could have fallen in love with her. I have been through too much and my gut told me it would end up badly eventually. Her and her ex worked together and she made crappy money, but yet she clung to that job like crazy. Like I said, I decided to break it off for my own sanity. For myself, I will have to take a long, hard look at anyone who has been recently divorced or separated. Remember, it takes 2 to make a divorce and i would bet my life that he was also directly involved with the break up. To me, it says a lot about a person if they are divorced. Maybe they are very clingy and can not stand on their own. Maybe thaey can't follow through with promises. Either one is a major personality flaw. Now I know things happen and people get divorced. I am jus tone of those people who will never be married until I know for sure it is right. And I am willing to wait. I would not want to deal with that as I despise drama.
Author almostthere Posted August 10, 2006 Author Posted August 10, 2006 Thanks for your comments. You are right. thats what i need for him to say. he has said it in an argument but sometimes you sense that people just say things to say it to stop the argument. I just want him to be genuine about it. i was thinking about a letter but i have mixed feelings on if i should do it or not. i dont think he truly understands why i have a problem with this. i dont think that some people are capable of looking at things through the other persons eyes. putting themselves in that situation. and he gets mad when i mention that it made me feel like he was still harboring feelings for her. he gets offended. but i think a letter with well chosen words may be the right way to go.
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