I feel like I married a stranger

[scared of the truth]

My H and I got married five months ago. We dated for two years. I thought I knew my H. He had told me about his past relationships and i've met 3 of his exes. He is still on friendly terms with 2 of his exs. I had no problem with that as they are both married as well as were always pleasant to me. I had an indiscretion in my past that I told my H about. I am sorry to admit but I cheated on a bf that I was with for 5 years. I ended the relationship immediately after I cheated on him. So My H knows that I"m not perfect. My H has always said he's never cheated on anyone but that his ex (they were engaged about six years ago) cheated on him several times and he never found out till after she left him.

 

Well I"ve always considered my H an honest guy even when we were just dating (obviously I wouldn't have married him if I found out otherwise). he's never given me any reason to doubt him. He grew up iwth four sisters so he just naturally talks to women more easily than men although he does have several male friends he hangs out with ocassionally. i married my H becuase I saw him as a sweet, honest, giving, person who I can talk to about anything. He is also very easygoing and although we have fights he never screams or name calls as some of my exes did. We don't have problems with money and our sex life is great. Pretty much the only thing we argue over is him not spending enough time with me (everyone and their mother's brother always asks my H to do things for them. Including 3 of his 4 sisters whose husbands seem helpless when it comes to household repairs or changing the oil in a vehicle) but thats another story. The reason I feel I married a stranger is becuase of some of the things I've found out in the last few months. First of all one of H's exes made a commetn to him that she thougth I hated her because I never talk to her. (I don't know her well) so I called her and told her I dont have any bad feelings toward her and invited her out to lunch. Well we got to talking and she told me what actually happened between my H and her when they were dating. HE is the one who actually cheated on her. She found out and immediately moved out and left his engagemetn ring for him to find. She said that eventually they became friends again because they were young when they dated and she got over it. Also I found out from one of his friends that right before H dated me he was having an affair with a married woman!! My H always told me that his most recent ex was recently divorced with two kids and a bit crazy and that when he ended things with her after about eight months she tried to kill herself and ended up in the hospital and was going to counseling. I believe all of this becasue this was the same story his family told (his family didn't know she was married) it turns out that this woman was indeed married and living with her husband at the time of their affair! this sickens me.

Also I found notes (when I was cleaning out a desk we share) from a girl I used to be close friends with but haven't talked to in years. She was dating my H's friend and from the notes she wrote my H (years ago) it sounds like they too were having an affair or an emotional thing. She writes about my H going to her house while her BF was at work and how they kissed in his car and she was afraid of her BF finding out and after a little more digging I found out that while he didnt' have sex with this girl he was trying to get her to break up iwth her friend and be with him (even though his friend was dating her for 6 years!)

After finding all this info, I remember back to other little things that should have been red flags possibly but never bothered me.

My H took a class at the local college and met this woman who was married nad had kids. I remember when we were first dating he told me about her. He woudl tell me what htey talked about and once he told me that she was complaining to him that her husband never noticed her anymore, that she would wear sexy underwear and stand in front of him and he'd ignore her. She asked my H (we weren't married at the time) what she should do and he gave her advice. Now that I think about it this seems wildly innappropriate!

Also on Friday nights before we were married he used to hang out with buddies. Well one of his friends brought this 18 year old girl around. This girl ended up having sex with two of his friends including one who was married. She was pretty trashy and my H was ten years older htan her at the time. He had been dating me for over a year and one day she was depressed and told him she was upset because she coudlnt' find a bf or anyoen who woudl date her (because she slept with everyone in sight) and he told her (and repeated this to me) that he thought she was a good person and would date her if he wasn't with me) he said he was trying to make her feel better but even at the tiem that made me mad.

Also i found out that one of the exs he still talks to never told her H that my H and she used to date. She says that her H would be upset that they still talk. My H sees nothing wrong with this!

 

So when I put all this together it just seems like while I don't have any reason to believe my H has or is cheating on me I just feel like he isn't the guy I thought I married. I mean its obvious he has MANY issues with boundaries or just doesn't seem to know appropriate limits. I mean dating a married woman, trying to steal your friend's long term girlfriend? Helping ohter MW's with sex advice, and lying to his ex's H willingly so he can still talk to her. He just seems like this terrible person in my eyes now. I can't believe I didnt know all of this before we got married! I'm just afraid he is a serial cheater/liar and that he has a serious problem with crossing boundaries. I mean if I'd only known that his ex before me was married I would have NEVER gotten involved with him! I confronted him with all this info and he admits that its true. He said he didnt tell me he cheated on his one ex because it was along time ago and he didn't see any reason to bring it up. But then that means he lied to me because he said he's never cheated on anyone! The thing about dating the MW he says not even his family knew about the fact that she was married. Only about two of his freinds knew and since he and MW never went out in public no one knew about their affair except her mother (who supported it!), and one of his close friends.

He says the thing with his friend's girlfriend was just him giving .

He doesn't see anythign wrong with talking to other women and helping them with personal problems because he says he is not interested in them romantically adn that he was used to talking with some of his sisters about things like that. He said he will just not talk to any female again if it bothers me but I dont' see how that solves anything.

 

I just feel so sick and numb and like my world came crashing down. I mean I thought I had it good and that my H was a genuine sweet guy. I've found out all this info to contradict that image and I'm struggling because even though no indfidelity has occured yet I feel my H or more likely to cheat because of these things in his past I've discovered. What should I do? People should come with warning labels!

[HeyYouGuys]

THis was very long and I'm sorry, I couldn't read the whole thing.

 

But the gist of it is, I guess, there are some serious trust issues between the two of you.

 

I'd suggest marriage counseling, if he agrees, and try to sort out what is fact and what is fiction.

 

Then see if you are both willing to re-start your marriage from the ground up.

 

He definitely has issues and baggage. We ALL do. The point is, is he willing to come clean with you and work on them?

[whichwayisup]

I think you need to talk to him and tell him what his ex told you. Just tell him it hurt hearing that stuff and you're confused by it. Don't make him feel bad or accuse him of cheating on you though. As you say, your marriage is good and you both seem happy...

 

I agree with HeyYouGuys, he has baggage, just like you, and as long as he tells you the truth and wants to only be with you, trust him. I mean, maybe he is ashamed of his past and didn't want you to know. Just listen to him and maybe go to counselling together. Try not to worry too much. He is still the man you married.

[RecordProducer]

Why the hell did you invite this gossiping machine to lunch? You said you weren't close to her anyway. You know what? You asked for the devil, that's all I can tell you.

 

God forbid if my husband would talk to my exes about me - he'd hear a bunch of true and false dirty laundry he never dreamed about. My ex-husband told him I was a bad mother and everything about me was crappy except the fact that I deliver beautiful children! I actually gladly translated this to my husband (still boyfriend at the time) and he disagreed with the motherhood thing and laughed about the other one making a comment to me that he is really low.

 

The past is buried in the past. Who cares whom he cheated on?

 

Liv Ullmann has a theory that I love: "If you love - you won't cheat; if you don't love then there is no one to cheat on."

 

I completely agree with this. He probably didn't love the women he cheated on. When hubby told me that he never cheated on anyone except once in his early 20s, I was thinking: "Who cares? As long as you didn't cheat on your last wife and especially ME, it's OK."

 

There are so many unimportant people that pass through our lives, hearts, and beds. Do we owe them all our love, effort, time, nerves, and unconditional loyalty? I don't think so.

 

His ex is obviously a long-tongued superficial bitch. Discard everything she told you. It REALLY, REALLY, REALLY doesn't matter. You don't know the circumstances of his actions and you only heard one side - a side that is not very fond of him (if she could tell you all these things).

 

Let it go. There will always be people who will try to ruin your life, marriage, success, mood... it's your job to not let them!

[scared of the truth]

Thanks for your thoughts. I dont' think my H is a bad guy. I guess I am just shocked because he represented himself a certain way (trustworthy, never cheated on anyone) and I come to find out that he has all these skeletons hidden in the closet. I dont' blame his ex- I don't believe she is a gossip or catty because when I asked my H about these things she said, he did tell me it was all the truth!. He DID have an affair with a married woman right before we got together (he said I was actually the reason he left her even though the story he told me was that they had been broken up for about six months before we got together and I found out he basically dumped her and jumped into the relationship with me) Also I had NO idea she was married- he never mentioned that part.

 

I don't think its right for someone to pretend to be a certain way when in reality they are the total opposite. As for his ex in response to one of the posters, if he didnt' love her he should have broken their engagement and left, not ran out and screwed around on her and hurt her. Also I dont' know why he was ashamed of everything he's done in his past because I told him things in my past I'm not proud of. So he should have been open as well. I'm just afraid this his past behavior shows what I have to look forward to in the future because I think H has issues with crossing boundaries. I know he is the same guy that I married but I feel like I've been betrayed cause he didn't reveal these things in his past. I know they are the past but if he thought all of this lying/affairs/cheating was ok back then what is to stop him from falling back into those patterns? I asked him to go to counselng but he feels there is nothing wrong with him and that HE doesn't need it. He said I can go by myself if I want to. Has anyone else had this experience of finding something about the person they married that wasn't disclosed to you before you got married?

[RecordProducer]

Wait a minute! He has never been married before, right? You are his first wife. Why would it be so relevant what he did in the past? I've done somethings to my exes and if my husband assumed I'd do the same to him, it would be very painful for both of us. But i can't imagine myself doing thhese things to him. I have no intention of sharing any of these with him. I actualy shared most of it, but he doesn't care. He concentrates on how I treat HIM, not how I treated my exes. because then he would have to hear both sides. And is it really important?

 

I understand that you are concerned about your future with him. Guys will never tell you the whole truth about themselves, unless they have nothing to hide. But you will hear the same story from all of them!