inarut Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 OK, I am so done with my MM (at least I am trying my best) but I think I need to figure some things out first so I need the help of you OW who actually have normal communication with your MM to get the answers I am searching for. I've been so down thinking there is something wrong with me and I am hoping it's all him. I am usually a pretty confident person but since I've been with my MM, my self-esteem has hit a low. I might just babble on but I need to get this all out. Just a little background of my situation. I've known my MM for about 25 years (I am 35 now;he's a family friend). Nothing started until about 5 months ago even though I have known for years that he's had a crush on me. Anyway, we've been together 4 or 5 times and each time I have to call him to set things up. We are usually together on a Friday or Saturday night and then he never calls me during the week. He doesn't say he's going to but I guess I just assumed he would. I've known from the start that he was never going to leave his wife because of his kids. That was never a problem with me because I am in the same boat. We where basically together because we both wanted from each other what we where not getting at home. When we are together we don't talk and he is always referring to our intimacy as f***ing. I am all for the dirty talk and getting a little crazy occasionally but it seems like it's all the time with him. I never thought because of how long we've known each other that he would treat me the way he does but I guess I don't really know him at all. He does tell me I'm beautiful and he loves my body but he also say he can't wait to f*** me. I know I am not his wife or even his girlfriend but I am also not some whore he picked up on the corner. The one time we actually did have a conversation, he did say that if we where both single he would definitely want to be in a relationship with me but because of our current situations that's just not possible. He never talks to me about everyday stuff like work, kids anything. I will definitely see him again in a casual setting and I just don't know how to act around him. So, this is what I need to know from the MM out there: *Why isn't he calling after we have been together? I know he has the opportunity. *Why doesn't he open up to me? *Am I just a piece of meat to him? *Do you think he's thinking of me at all? I am not sure how normal affairs work but this isn't what I had in mind at all. PLEASE SHARE!!!!! I am hoping stillhere is reading this because you seem to be in good communication with your MM and maybe he can give me some advice on how to handle this. Thanks all!
theantibarbie23 Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 I'm sorry but it sounds like he's just using you for sex and will continue to do so for as long as you allow it.
consternation Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 Hi... I'm sorry you are in this situation. I guess all affairs and relationships are different, but certainly it seems from my reading of your post that he isn't emotionally involved in any way. How would you react to this behaviour if you were both single? Would you accept it then? And you're right, this sounds like it would be pretty bad for your self esteem... I'm not sure if its relevant - but as you asked for comparisons with other MM ... mine was not like this - he texted and rang constantly, walked my dog and cooked me dinner when I was sick, helped me with moving furniture, and so on (and I only saw him in person 2-3 hours a week). Hope this helps.
Author inarut Posted August 10, 2006 Author Posted August 10, 2006 This might sound horrible and a little contradictatory (sp) from my post, but we were basically using each other for sex. I knew from the get go, because of our current marital status, that there would never be anything going on between us outside the bedroom. We where going to be 'friends with benefits'. A way for each of us to get through our unhappy marriages. I guess what upsets me the most is the way he acts when we ARE in the bedroom. I thought because we have known each other so long we would be a little more respectful to me but instead he makes me feel cheap (as I should I guess). I feel like I can't say anything because he would just come back with 'you knew what you where getting into.
consternation Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 I understand inarut.... I don't think there is anything wrong in principle with relationships based only on sex, or friends with benefits, if that's what both people want. But whatever the purpose of the relationship, I think it should be conducted with mutual respect. The fact that you were never going to fallin love and run off together isnt the issue, the issue is his lack of respect and basically... he probably makes you feel like an unpaid prostitute. If you don't think you can say anything because you know his response... well don't bother I guess. Just end it. If a man isn't respectful, I don't know that he can change that...
stillhere Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 OK, I am so done with my MM (at least I am trying my best) but I think I need to figure some things out first so I need the help of you OW who actually have normal communication with your MM to get the answers I am searching for. I've been so down thinking there is something wrong with me and I am hoping it's all him. I am usually a pretty confident person but since I've been with my MM, my self-esteem has hit a low. I might just babble on but I need to get this all out. Just a little background of my situation. I've known my MM for about 25 years (I am 35 now;he's a family friend). Nothing started until about 5 months ago even though I have known for years that he's had a crush on me. Anyway, we've been together 4 or 5 times and each time I have to call him to set things up. We are usually together on a Friday or Saturday night and then he never calls me during the week. He doesn't say he's going to but I guess I just assumed he would. I've known from the start that he was never going to leave his wife because of his kids. That was never a problem with me because I am in the same boat. We where basically together because we both wanted from each other what we where not getting at home. When we are together we don't talk and he is always referring to our intimacy as f***ing. I am all for the dirty talk and getting a little crazy occasionally but it seems like it's all the time with him. I never thought because of how long we've known each other that he would treat me the way he does but I guess I don't really know him at all. He does tell me I'm beautiful and he loves my body but he also say he can't wait to f*** me. I know I am not his wife or even his girlfriend but I am also not some whore he picked up on the corner. The one time we actually did have a conversation, he did say that if we where both single he would definitely want to be in a relationship with me but because of our current situations that's just not possible. He never talks to me about everyday stuff like work, kids anything. I will definitely see him again in a casual setting and I just don't know how to act around him. So, this is what I need to know from the MM out there: *Why isn't he calling after we have been together? I know he has the opportunity. *Why doesn't he open up to me? *Am I just a piece of meat to him? *Do you think he's thinking of me at all? I am not sure how normal affairs work but this isn't what I had in mind at all. PLEASE SHARE!!!!! I am hoping stillhere is reading this because you seem to be in good communication with your MM and maybe he can give me some advice on how to handle this. Thanks all! Hi sweetie! Sorry it took me so long to show up! I'm really sorry to have to say this, but it does seem like he is just using you for a piece of meat! My MM does tell me that he's going to **** my brains out, but that is when we're getting down and dirty and having fun. After 5 months, i'd think he would have started to have feelings for you if you were more than just a FWB. That is how my MM and i started out as, and after 3 months, he told me he loved me, which i never thought i would hear from him. He is using you for what you guys had originally planned. Sweetie, walk away from that man. He is causing way too much heartache for you. I personally want to drag you away from him. If my MM had treated me this way, i would have never lasted this long with him. In a way, this can make it easier for you to tell him to **** off. He is treating you like sh*t, and you don't deserve that. You obviously weren't looking for only sex, you were hoping to find the love and affection that you aren't getting at home either, and this man is not providing you with even a hint of that. You're right, because you have known him for so long, it's strange that he is treating you this way. You don't deserve that and he doesn't deserve to have you in his life this way.
stillhere Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 You can PM me anytime, i will do my best to help you out! I asked MM what you should do, and this is what he said. Hang on, he's pretty blunt about things "tell her that she is not a prostitute, and if he's gonna treat her as such, he better fork out the cash. Tell her to make it worth her time and get at least $300 or $400. She should not put up with an ungrateful, undeserving pig. Tell her that he is not worth her time and effort, and that maybe someday he will realize what an amazing person he could of had." My honey is full of wisdom! He went on for a while, but that is what i could remember. Take it from an MM who does have a heart, he knows what he's talking about!
Author inarut Posted August 11, 2006 Author Posted August 11, 2006 Stillhere, you totally made my day!!! It's exactly what I wanted and needed) to hear. Tell your MM thanks. Party of me kept thinking he's being the way he is because it would be easier not to become attached to me. It's weird because I've known for years that he's had a crush on me and even after this whole thing started he said he would definitely want to date me if we where both single. I have also heard from someone VERY close to both of us that he really likes me but he can't do anything to screw up his home life. I understand that completely but that still doesn't give him the right to act the way he does. Good luck to you and your MM.
stillhere Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 Thank you, i need all the luck in the world!!! I hope it all works out for you. Things probably would have been different if the timing was different, but it wasn't. All the what if's (which i do way more than i should) cloud your judgement. Take it day by day, but he didn't have an emotional attachment to you, so it will hopefully be easier to just miss the sex rather than his love and tenderness. Hang in there, i'm here for you!
Author inarut Posted August 12, 2006 Author Posted August 12, 2006 Hi all - I am so proud of myself. Was out last night and even after a few cocktails and feeling good, I did not try and contact my MM/FWB. I was hoping he would call me but he didn't and honestly I am OK. But....... I need some insight on this because it makes NO sense to me at all. My MM/FWB is a friend of the family but only one of person in my family knows our situation. While out last night his wife's name got brought up because at a recent wedding she started a fight with the bride and a couple other people at the wedding. In previous threads I've written about how she is not a nice person but after last night I think the bride of Frankenstein looks like Mother Theresa compared to this woman!!! My MM was even stated as saying, and I quote "There isn't a day that goes by that I don't pray she gets hit by a bus". I even heard she's not a good mom. Anyway, my question is IF THINGS ARE SO BAD AT HOME, WHY WOULD'NT HE BE CALLING ME. There is no way in hell that the situation with me can even compare with the situation with her. I would think he would be calling me every chance he got to get away from her. What do you guys think?????
stillhere Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 I think he's an *ss, and it's not as bad at home as he wants everyone to think. I know it' easy to say to stop worrying about what he's doing and why he's not calling, but you have to stop. I'm so happy that you went out and enjoyed yourself, that's what you need. Something to distract your attention. This exMM of yours is a pompus *ss, and he does not deserve you. He does not deserve your obsessing over him, and he doesn't deserve your attention. If he treats all his women like he treats you, no wonder his W is the way she is, if in fact she is that bad.
Author inarut Posted August 12, 2006 Author Posted August 12, 2006 You are so right...he does not deserve me. My cousin (who he's friends with and the only one who knows what's going on) was telling me the same thing last night. I do know for a fact that his wife is a psycho b***h because she did the things she did at my cousins wedding but that's his problem not mine!!!! They deserve each other!!!
consternation Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 I think that a guy who prays that the mother of his kids gets hit by a bus is pretty scummy.Thats sad.
BUTAFLY Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 It really pisses me off when men are so willingly to through their wives under the bus to get some a$$ how disrespectful. Look inarut I feel you 100%. Towards the end of my relationship with emm/fwb things started to get strange. He began to talk dirty in a disrectful way like I was his 2$ hooker. I put the brakes on that real quick and asked him what was going on. I suspected he was cheating on me-turned out I was the ow. (but thats neither here nor there). I concluded he started to treat me indifferently because he new the other shoe was about to drop and he did it to emotionally distance himself from me and to get me mad enought so I would want to distance myself from him. Atleast thats what he explained to me much later.
Author inarut Posted August 12, 2006 Author Posted August 12, 2006 butafly, exactly what your exMM/FWB said to you is how I felt about my exMM/FWB. i would say to myself 'he's acting disrescpectful to me so he doesn't have to feel connected to me'. whatever he's reasoning, it sucks. not that it matters, my MM never said those things about his wife to me, he said them to my cousin. I just heard it last night because we where talking about the s**t she pulled at his wedding.
norajane Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 In previous threads I've written about how she is not a nice person but after last night I think the bride of Frankenstein looks like Mother Theresa compared to this woman!!! My MM was even stated as saying, and I quote "There isn't a day that goes by that I don't pray she gets hit by a bus". I think if I were married to a guy who would be happy if a bus hit me, I might turn into quite a shrew and bitch myself. When you get treated like sh*t for years, sometimes, you end up giving it right back. If he's perfectly able to treat you like an ass even though he's known you since you were 10, what makes you think he treats her any better? Anyway, my question is IF THINGS ARE SO BAD AT HOME, WHY WOULD'NT HE BE CALLING ME. There is no way in hell that the situation with me can even compare with the situation with her. I would think he would be calling me every chance he got to get away from her. What do you guys think????? Because he doesn't want another demanding shrew on his hands? I'm not saying you're a shrew, but he obviously doesn't have much respect for his wife, and he doesn't have much respect for you. I suspect if he calls anyone to get away, it's his guy buddies for a round of golf...no women allowed.
stillhere Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 She may be acting crazy like that because of the way he treats her at home, she lost it and went over that edge. I know i wouldn't be a normal person if i had a man that treated me the way he treats you. I can be tempermental and snap if i feel threatened, but if i was totally insecure about myself, i can see myself being a total psycho. There are no excuses for her insane behaviour, but she may be acting like a child. Negative attention is better than no attention at all. She may have an idea of what he is doing and is taking it out on everyone around her. You need to leave him be, as much as it hurts you. He is not the man you should want for yourself. Can you imagine a lifetime of the way he is treating you right now?
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