I Said Goodbye and Need Some Support

[Marielle]

I m in too...

 

My story was a promising one at the beggining (check past posts), I should have listened to you guys....he ended not only lying about his divorce, he still sleeps with her, and he cheated on me with someone else while I was on a trip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANd he claims he can not live without me. I feel stabbed 3000 times, plus all the suffering I ve been through for 1.5 yrs...my family doesnt know how to help me. I started meds too, and going back to the gym...NC 2 days

 

How s that???!!!

[Brokenheart17]

Hello You Lovely Ladies out there:

 

I wish I could report that he came back to me last night with a dozen roses, a giant diamond ring and divorce papers, with tears running down his handsome face, begging me to forgive him for dragging his feet so long . . . but that didn't happen.

 

Instead, I spent the day with my son at the zoo and then went to the casino with my girlfriends (was only down $10 when all was said and done--not bad for an evening). Did I tear up? Heck yea, about 10 times thinking about what a good time we would have if MM were with us. Did I have my cell phone with us in case he called? Heck yea, right in my bra on vibrate so I wouldn't miss anything. Did he call? NO.

 

Right now, this very second, we should be together. We meet every Sunday morning at a lake and spend about 4 hours together talking and laughing and doing other deeds to get us through the next time we see each other. This is the first Sunday in a very long time that I won't be seeing him.

 

I'm crying right now, because I'm doing laundry instead.

 

I miss him so much I don't know how much longer I can hold on and be strong. Every cell in my body wants to call him, text him, E-mail him, "accidentally" run into him. Every cell, except those in my head. Those cells tell me that by contacting him I will have undone these last four days.

 

He needs to know that by his actions (or lack of, in the case of filing for divorce), he's lost me.

 

By contacting him, he will think that I don't mean what I've said.

 

By contacting him, he'll know he has the upper hand.

 

He needs to go back to his life at home and once again taste what it's like to be with a wife who isn't clean, doesn't cook, talks hatefully to the children, treats him like crap and spends all their money to the point that they can't pay their mortgage. Having me in his life at least gave him something to look forward to and made all those things at home bearable. I want them to go back to being UNBEARABLE.

 

Besides, the conversation will only go two ways: 1. He will say he's glad we've broken up and in which case I will be very sad and cry, or 2. He will tell me he misses me too, can't live without me, loves me and in which case I'll cry. Either way, I cry. I'm doing that just fine on my own.

 

How are you ladies feeling this morning?

[movinon05]

Most of you don't know me. I don't post much anymore, but I just want to applaud all of you and encourage you. I had a 7 yr relationship with my exMM. Which ended 1 1/2 yrs ago. I want you to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And I encourage you to keep on keeping on. There are better days ahead of you and I can attest to that. My down days are few and far between. In fact, my downs never last more than about 5 minutes and hardly at all. I have found new life after exMM and learned I can be appreciated for who I am and not be treated second best (or third or fourth).

 

And yes, there were all the marriage plans from the getgo. I thought my whole world and everything I dreamed of was torn to bits and pieces. But no more.

 

Just wanted to lend you my support. And give you hope for a better life and better future.

 

{{{Hugs to all}}}

[kymberann]

HI Broken,

Hang in there. Don't falter. It can only make you stronger in the end! And then you'll be able to help others who habe been in your spot!. I know it's a hard road, many ups and downs, Keep on crying..Hell I was wailing and just carrying on! If anyone wants to chat in real time I have windows messenger. I think it would be great for that extra support!

Best!

[Walking away]

I, too, have gone through what you ladies are presently going through.

 

I KNOW it is a tough road. I KNOW how hard it is.

 

Stay strong. I am proud of each and every one of you.

 

Hang tough and know that you are not alone. There are those of us who have walked in your shoes and made it through the storm.

 

You, too, will make it through.

 

All my best to all of you...

 

WA

[stillhere]

Brokenheart,

 

I'm so happy you are in the right mindset. You're right, let him be miserable at home, let him realize that he does want you and not her. I wish this would work for me, because i would be doing NC right along with the rest of you.

 

He needs to know that by his actions (or lack of, in the case of filing for divorce), he's lost me.

 

By contacting him, he will think that I don't mean what I've said.

 

By contacting him, he'll know he has the upper hand.

 

You've grabbed the bull by the horns, now hang on and don't let go. You're very right. He needs to understand this and learn this himself, and he will win this little game of life, if you break NC. Don't do it.

 

My MM just called me an hour ago, had to sneak away so he could talk to me. Spent the whole day with his family while i sat at home, worrying about why he hasn't called yet.

 

I'm sick of being second best, but he won't leave even if i do go NC, so that would just mean i'm that much more alone. He and my daughter are the only bright spots in my day.

[Brokenheart17]

I'm glad we have each other, because I'm feeling very lousy right now. I don't understand any of this and really can't understand how someone could have said all those things and just changed his mind. I hope he's suffering too. Maybe a flash of me will cross his mind during some family picnic or during a cuddle with the little Mrs. In which case, I hope he keeps it to himself and gets an ulcer.

 

Thank you for all your posts. Keep it coming, because I need all of you. I think we need each other.

[Walking away]

I felt like you. I wanted him to hurt like me. And, believe me, he does.

 

I am in my 3rd month of NC and he sporatically e-mails me telling me how much he still adores me.

 

I know he hurts, but he hurt me deeply too. And the only reason we aren't together today is because he CHOSE that path. There was nothing I could do but walk away with dignity. It was the right choice to make.

 

He made an impact in my life like no other man will.

 

I am forever changed.

 

But the best is yet to come. Believe it. It will keep you going in the right direction.

 

Hugs

 

WA

[stillhere]

I'm sure he's hurting as much as you are and missing you as much as you miss him. Just try not to let these thoughts consume you.

 

It's hard when you were in a "routine" with him. You will think of him (as you did today) every time when you would have normally talked or been together.

 

Find something constructive and engrossing so you won't be thinking of him while you are doing this. Make your mind busy, so there is no room for him in it. I can see that as being my only way to keep my sanity.

 

Things will get better, this fog will lift, and someday you will look back and think that you were crazy to obsess about him so much. But it will take lots of time before you get to that point.

 

((HUGS)) Just keep looking at the bright side of things, time will heal your pain.

[9Lives]

My MM just called me an hour ago, had to sneak away so he could talk to me. Spent the whole day with his family while i sat at home, worrying about why he hasn't called yet.

 

I'm sick of being second best, but he won't leave even if i do go NC, so that would just mean i'm that much more alone. He and my daughter are the only bright spots in my day.

 

THIS IS THE S/HIT THAT PISSES ME OFF. I am glad that I just read this because he gives me strength. Here I am yearning and it is a possibility he is kicking it with his family. Thats all I need to know. This is why i walked away because of this kind of stuff.

[Walking away]

Yep. I agree.

 

Never settle. That is the fuel that will keep everyone in the right direction.

 

Keep in mind what you want. Being second best is NOT what anyone wants.

 

Period.

[9Lives]

I need to just think in my mind it is over and move on for real.

[Walking away]

Baby steps. Baby steps.

 

One minute at a time, then one hour at a time.

 

Those of us who have been where you are will offer support. We will be your beacon of light in the darkness like others who were there for us.

 

I am proud of you.

 

It takes incredible strength to walk away from these relationships when both people still care a great deal for each other.

 

Never underestimate your strength. You are using it now.

 

You WILL survive this.

[Brokenheart17]

His family consists of two wonderful children and a wife HE calls Umpa-Lumpa. Why would he choose this woman over me? I'm very un Umpa-Lumpa like and I'm really kicking myself for believing all those nice things he said about me.

 

The life we planned sounded wonderful and I don't know why in the world he was dragging his feet when it came to her. I saw how horrible she treated him. I fed his children and taught them games and basic things their mother should have. I'm just mystified.

[Walking away]

I gave up on understanding my MM months ago. He is an enigma to me.

 

Don't beat your head against the wall trying to understand him. My MM called his wife "beige beige." I am her polar opposite.

 

He thoroughly disrespects her by continuing contact with me, and by telling me he still adores me no matter how I feel about him.

 

Yet, he chose to stay in that dysfunctional marriage.

 

I, for one, could never live that way, but he has chosen that life.

 

I will never understand that. But, I believe that he will someday come to regret that decision when it is all said and done.

 

I will, however, have no regrets. I am living my life to its fullest and treating each day as though it may be my last.

 

You will question him and your relationship. That is normal. Just don't beat yourself up. You are not like him. We OW rarely are like the MM.

 

Gently pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and hold your head up.

 

Be proud of yourself. You made the right decision for yourself. You chose YOU.

 

I am proud of you.

[mistaken.2006]

Talk about inspiration!! You all are so helpful to me... I really get determination reading this thread and it makes me want to stay strong! Everytime he pops in my head I try to say a saying or a bible verse to keep hime (gone). I keep thinking (I Will Make IT) and I even scream it during my walks! Another is in the bible: I can do All things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Not some things but All things and I look at this as one of my biggest obstacles. It's been 10 days and NC. I pray that I can hold!

Kristen

[Walking away]

I will pray for all of you just as others prayed for me.

 

You are all in my thoughts. My heart is heavy for you. It is a very difficult road that you all walk.

 

Never lose sight that you are doing the absolute best thing for yourselves.

 

Never forget that.

 

WA

[lovernotafighter]

His family consists of two wonderful children and a wife HE calls Umpa-Lumpa. Why would he choose this woman over me? I'm very un Umpa-Lumpa like and I'm really kicking myself for believing all those nice things he said about me.

 

The life we planned sounded wonderful and I don't know why in the world he was dragging his feet when it came to her. I saw how horrible she treated him. I fed his children and taught them games and basic things their mother should have. I'm just mystified.

 

want to hear something nuts? my MM sent me a picture of his wife! yes confirmation we are total opposites.

 

I sent him a break up letter last week (again) and told him he keeps talking about a future and if it was possible he has destroyed it because I don't believe I'll forgive him and his lies.

 

he is my boss now and works maybe 10 feet from me..he begged for a chance to be best friends at least..and it's killing me cause I can't go NC and I can't quit my job.

 

I am as mystified as you broken it makes zero sense to me..yet he insists we have a future and just last Friday told me when we are together I can be mad at him for as long as it takes..he can handle it..WTF?

 

my heart truly goes out to you..I know exactly how you feel..believe me.

[Sami_D]

Don't worry that he's been dragging his feet. Men find it very difficult to end a M, and it's nothing whatever to do with choosing one woman over another. Rather, worry if he dropped all his responsibilities at the drop of a hat and came clinging to you ~ what kind of a man would that make him?!

 

You are in NC for YOU. That is your priority. He may or may not leave, in HIS timescale: it's his M, his life-changing decision to make in his own time. My advice to you would be not to worry that your timescales don't match. They won't! Don't make it into a W vs. OW choice for him. It isn't.

 

I do know it's terribly difficult to do this. I'm 3 and a half months into NC, and have to remind myself of some of these facts on a daily basis. Stick with it, and remember why you went NC in the first place... for a better future.

[PoshPrincess]

It's been a few days since I have been on line as I only have access to the internet while I'm at work at the mo. It's weird because there's so much to read since Friday but then again nothing seems to change for any of us which must tell us something? Of course, we are all told that time heals, that things will get better, etc but does anyone feel like me? That I almost don't want to get over MM because deep down I still want there to be a chance for us.

 

You've been talking about the marriage thing. Yep, I had all that too. Y'know, "I'm gonna marry you, never felt like this about anyone in my life, not even her..." etc and I believed it too. Feel like at 35 I should have more sense but obviously not. I DO beileve he loved me, or even still does but sometimes try and tell myself that it was all bull**** so that I can get to that angry stage.

 

I think that those of you who are doing the NC are dead brave. I've tried it but had zero willpower. Now MM and I are doing the "good friends" bit and bizarrely I feel a lot better. I don't expect him to call (I still HOPE he does) and as we're only mates, feel he doesn't owe me anything so don't get mad when he doesn't contact me. I know he tried phoning Friday night as I dialled 1471 when I got home (very sad). Not sure why he doesn't just leave a message but I've got a feeling he thinks I don't really want to know anymore as I've played it so cool. If only he knew. Maybe he's the insecure one now. I had been crying my eyes out when he called last Wednesday but had to suddenly act all happy whenI spoke to him as I know that me being upset just does his head in big time and that's when he finds it all too much.

 

I really don't believe he will ever leave now but I'm settling for friends at the moment as it feels better than nothing. Should have more self-respect I know but maybe it will get easier. Here's hoping.

 

Stick with it all you who are having NC as yo're doing so brilliantly (even though it probably doesn't feel like it). I just think the friends thing may show he MM what he's missing. Anything is worth a try.

[9Lives]

It's been a few days since I have been on line as I only have access to the internet while I'm at work at the mo. It's weird because there's so much to read since Friday but then again nothing seems to change for any of us which must tell us something? Of course, we are all told that time heals, that things will get better, etc but does anyone feel like me? That I almost don't want to get over MM because deep down I still want there to be a chance for us.

 

You've been talking about the marriage thing. Yep, I had all that too. Y'know, "I'm gonna marry you, never felt like this about anyone in my life, not even her..." etc and I believed it too. Feel like at 35 I should have more sense but obviously not. I DO beileve he loved me, or even still does but sometimes try and tell myself that it was all bull**** so that I can get to that angry stage.

 

I think that those of you who are doing the NC are dead brave. I've tried it but had zero willpower. Now MM and I are doing the "good friends" bit and bizarrely I feel a lot better. I don't expect him to call (I still HOPE he does) and as we're only mates, feel he doesn't owe me anything so don't get mad when he doesn't contact me. I know he tried phoning Friday night as I dialled 1471 when I got home (very sad). Not sure why he doesn't just leave a message but I've got a feeling he thinks I don't really want to know anymore as I've played it so cool. If only he knew. Maybe he's the insecure one now. I had been crying my eyes out when he called last Wednesday but had to suddenly act all happy whenI spoke to him as I know that me being upset just does his head in big time and that's when he finds it all too much.

 

I really don't believe he will ever leave now but I'm settling for friends at the moment as it feels better than nothing. Should have more self-respect I know but maybe it will get easier. Here's hoping.

 

Stick with it all you who are having NC as yo're doing so brilliantly (even though it probably doesn't feel like it). I just think the friends thing may show he MM what he's missing. Anything is worth a try.

 

Poshprincess,

 

you need to listen to Sami-D. She is right and can help you thru this tough time. YOU can do it too. YOU have us here and we know what you are experiencing so you have strength in numbers because of us. Trust me, I have came here for help holding my head up and crying my eyes out. I have been here. YOur friends and family dont have the feelings you have right now but we do and we help each other.

 

Trying to be friends with someone you love is like hanging yourself slowing. YOu are not ready for that. YOu both are just hanging on a string that will pop because that is not really what needs to be happening at this time. I know you are miserable. I was too. That is why you are here. YOu will have to reject him. He will not understand at first but you have to do it for YOU. You have to get your life back. Your self back. You are so wrapped up and you need a break.

 

If the man has been good to you.....accept that. But realize he has a situation that he needs to deal with ...one way or another....in his time....not ours. That was a very very very hard thing for me to accept. It is in his time. In the meantime....Life is passing you by!!!!

 

There is more out there waiting but you will not know because you are mentally stuck right here. I am telling you....I have been there and I have been helped right here. YOu can do it

[lovernotafighter]

I dunno PP the friends thing isn't working out for me..I am way to sexually attracted to MM and he to me..he even told me he's totally turned on when I'm around except when I'm mad at him which till recently is a very rare thing.

 

I hope it does work for the best for you. NC didn't work for me either and I tried and failed. I am keeping my fingers crossed for everyone attempting this difficult feat,I hope I can learn from all of you

[9Lives]

I dunno PP the friends thing isn't working out for me..I am way to sexually attracted to MM and he to me..he even told me he's totally turned on when I'm around except when I'm mad at him which till recently is a very rare thing.

 

I hope it does work for the best for you. NC didn't work for me either and I tried and failed. I am keeping my fingers crossed for everyone attempting this difficult feat,I hope I can learn from all of you

 

 

When you get "fed up", you will do it. It will take that to get the nc to stick.

[PoshPrincess]

Thanks 9Lives and LNAF for your support. As you said, 9Lives, you need people who are going through or who have been through the same thing. None of my friends really understand although they're pretty supportive. As for the sexual attraction, we have that too, big time, so meeting up could be a bad idea. We haven't been 'together' since April so it's been a long time, although we had enough willpower to only have full sex once (after 6 months together) in one year - mainly due to guilt on his part). Thing is, he finds it sexy even when I'm horrible to him. I am only horrible in a jokey way most of the time but I guess it's kind of a defence mechanism thing. The only reason I can see the 'friends' thing working is because I get a bit of a kick at having one over on him, y'know, being the one in control of the situation. I suppose it's a power thing. Is that really mad?

[Brokenheart17]

No. I cannot. I wasn't friends with him in the beginning and I'm not friends in the end. But the middle part!!!! He was my best friend then.

 

At first, I found him repulsive. He wouldn't stop starring at me and made me very uncomfortable. He's 5'2", over 200 lbs and very hairy. I wanted him to go away. But eventually, I got to know him, and fell so much in love with him. We have everything in common and I was so comfortable around him. I could tell him EVERYTHING and not only did he listen, he acted like he WANTED to hear what I had to say. We had music and the love of children in common and we went on nice little trips. I knew he loved me and we planned our life all right. Then when "tit came to tat", I felt him pull away and deadlines just kept being moved back. He used the excuse of money, but I saw him spending money other places. Then when he needed a haircut, instead of going someplace, he had HER cut it. According to him, they had talked about a divorce, why would she still be living there, cutting his hair. . . ah, I could go on and on.

 

Ladies, it would be impossible to make a silly goal like "Let's Not Think of our MM Today." But let's make it a goal of "Let's Not Cry Today."

 

Let me know how you do.