Is she the right one for me?

[BownSter]

Ok, I’ll start from the beginning.

 

I have currently been with my girlfriend for 4 years (We are the same age started going out at 16). The relationship started off pretty rocky for the first 1.5yrs, we were always fighting, breaking up – getting back together stuff like that. Just before I turned 18 my girlfriends Mum passed away (her dad nicked off when she was 10) which left her with no parents. So she has been staying with her grandparents ever since. (I’ll get back to that). Around that time when her mum passed away or maybe a bit before I pretty much lost all my mates from school because my girlfriend didn’t like them or they did something to her or something like that…so I basically have no friends because my girlfriend wants all my attention. She barely has any friends of her own as she doesn’t really get along with most girls (I don’t know why) so for the last few years I have really only done things with her. Which is really starting to get to me now, sometimes I wish I could just go do my own things, make some friends and go out without my girlfriend (Is this a bad thing?) Sometimes I would just like to say I’m going out with some people from work tonight, but I cant because if I do she gets all emotional and gets angry with me and if there are going to be other girls there she will accuse me of cheating or liking them more, which is not the case as I get along quite well with females.

 

I feel as though I’m trapped and that it’s the same everyday, I barely go out because it always has to be with her. Because I don’t go out with her very much, if I say im going to go to someone’s party from work she will get mad with me and make me feel bad for going so I end up not going. I don’t know how I feel, this girl absolutely loves me to death and would do anything for me, and she helps me out with loan payments or anything I need, she is kind and extremely attractive. Her family knows me very well, her grandparents always invite me around for dinner and they call me one of the family.

 

I am always thinking about leaving her, but she is so good to me I think it would be stupid to do so. She has told me that everything in her life leaves her and that she doesn’t know what she would do without me.

 

Is it bad that I don’t always want to do things with her ad go out and try to make some friends. Because every time I try to I can’t because she gets angry.

 

A little help here please!

[everybody_chill]

Ok, I’ll start from the beginning.

 

I have currently been with my girlfriend for 4 years (We are the same age started going out at 16). The relationship started off pretty rocky for the first 1.5yrs, we were always fighting, breaking up – getting back together stuff like that. Just before I turned 18 my girlfriends Mum passed away (her dad nicked off when she was 10) which left her with no parents. So she has been staying with her grandparents ever since. (I’ll get back to that). Around that time when her mum passed away or maybe a bit before I pretty much lost all my mates from school because my girlfriend didn’t like them or they did something to her or something like that…so I basically have no friends because my girlfriend wants all my attention. She barely has any friends of her own as she doesn’t really get along with most girls (I don’t know why) so for the last few years I have really only done things with her. Which is really starting to get to me now, sometimes I wish I could just go do my own things, make some friends and go out without my girlfriend (Is this a bad thing?) Sometimes I would just like to say I’m going out with some people from work tonight, but I cant because if I do she gets all emotional and gets angry with me and if there are going to be other girls there she will accuse me of cheating or liking them more, which is not the case as I get along quite well with females.

 

I feel as though I’m trapped and that it’s the same everyday, I barely go out because it always has to be with her. Because I don’t go out with her very much, if I say im going to go to someone’s party from work she will get mad with me and make me feel bad for going so I end up not going. I don’t know how I feel, this girl absolutely loves me to death and would do anything for me, and she helps me out with loan payments or anything I need, she is kind and extremely attractive. Her family knows me very well, her grandparents always invite me around for dinner and they call me one of the family.

 

I am always thinking about leaving her, but she is so good to me I think it would be stupid to do so. She has told me that everything in her life leaves her and that she doesn’t know what she would do without me.

 

Is it bad that I don’t always want to do things with her ad go out and try to make some friends. Because every time I try to I can’t because she gets angry.

 

A little help here please!

 

Dump her. Live your life and enjoy it, because with her you will be miserable.

 

There will be plenty more that will come along for you to pass the time with, until the novelty, excitement and "fairy tale" wear thin in which case she will be going down on a new man.

[MrPot]

You can't date someone for what they do for you; you have to date them for how you feel about them. If you're not happy with her, you need to go.

 

How would you feel if someone stayed with you only because you helped with their loan payments? You're using the poor woman.

[littlekitty]

Ok, firstly I think you need to decide if you really still want to be in the relationship. There are things you can do to work towards a better relationship, more like the one you would like, but it could be a long hard road and you have to decide if you want to take that option. Staying with her out of guilt, feelings of responsibility, or because she pays your loan payments, aren't long term going to benefit her or you. If you really want to walk away - hard as it is - you have to do for both your sakes.

 

I can understand how you have become a huge part of her world. You've stood by her through everything, been her support. I can also understand how scared she must be that you are going to leave her. But it's not a completely healthy fear, since it appears to be taking over both of your lives.

 

Did your gf receive any counselling after her mothers death? I think the first thing which needs to be done is to get her into counselling. She needs to deal with her emotions, including what sounds like a fear of abandonment.

 

It's not healthy to so completely rely on each other. You should ideally both have friends/colleagues with whom you socialise, things you do apart. This helps a relationship survive. It's not fair that you feel you can't do things alone, or have your own friends. And not surprisingly, you're beginning to resent her for stopping you.

 

Have you tried telling her how you feel? Have you told her how suffocated you are beginning to feel? I'm sure she'd rather try and work with you on the problems if she knew,

 

You say you don't take her out much, which you feel contributes when you try to go out with other people. How about starting by taking her out once a week. Lunch, dinner, a movie, a walk in the park, something nice - like a date night? Then how about agreeing that you can then go out one night a week with work, or perhaps you both find a club/hobby to do once a week (different things/separately) which you can encourage each other in. It gives you both the opportunity to meet like minded people for friends, and to do something independently of each other. You'd probably be surprised how much more interesting you may become to each other again!

 

She has to begin to understand that you both need time away from each other, doing things independently, if the relationship is to succeed. If she can't make some changes and agree to work on things, then you have to decide if you can cope with being her world.