Diver012 Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 I try to look on the bright side of things... I try to be upbeat and positive I fail many times I see a lot of young people here that are in pain and think to myself, you are so young, you will find love, and you will, if you just keep your wits about you. Ive made a lot of bad choices in my life. I dont blame anyone for this. Totally my fault. All I ever wanted was to have a family. To have kids someday. So many of my friends have been married and have children and are happy. They look at me and wonder why? I look at me in the mirror and wonder the same thing. Is it bad luck? Bad timing? I dont think so anymore. I am messed up. I cant blame anyone or anyting anymore. I wish I was healthy enough to have a healthy relationship with someone. I am sorry for all the healthy women I have hurt. I am sorry for all the times a woman was interested in me, and I was to caught up in myself to notice. I dont know how to change. I tried. I failed. Im sorry... All I ever wanted was someone to Love, that loved me back. I really didnt think that was to much to ask. I went to College Got a degree I have a good job I have my own house I am alone still.. Theres to many other people in this world that deserve it more than I do. I feel selfish. I should be happy with my accomplishments, but I feel like a loser Sorry God! I tried.
AriaIncognito Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 You're gonna find her, diver. :-) Try to just keep focusing on all the good things you listed. You got an education. You have a job. You have a home, those are all things to be very proud of yourself for. Not everybody aspires to and achieves those things. And while I understand you'd like it better if you could share your successes right NOW, well, apparently there's another plan for you right now. Try to stay positive about all the good you've done for yourself, you'll find her. Who knows, maybe she's even here, on LS, looking for you :-) Jennifer
Mollyanna Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 Who knows, maybe she's even here, on LS, looking for you :-) Wouldn't that be something? Pick me Pick me. lol You got it goin' on!
bendit Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 You sure are a sad sack. Of course you're going though the "teeth" of your break-up misery right now and the pain is acute. But if you stay NC, you will get through that in time. There is more going on here than break-up suffering, however. Lets examine that. It looks to me that you have a "tape" problem. You should start working on changing your "tapes." Just from this one post, we can see what thoughts you've been "playing" in your mind. What ideas are you "playing" to your mind? Mostly negative things such as, you're Unlovable. Your friends see you as "damaged" because you are not married "like them". That you "failed". That you aren't "complete" unless you have "someone" in your life. That you are "nothing" without a wife and kids in your life. You believe that people who are married with children are "better" than you and that they are destined for Nirvana, and you for a life of misery until you find the "one", the one who will save you from all this. You believe that to be "single" is a sign of weakness, of failure, of a wasted life. You believe you are "messed" up. It all comes from this one post. But I also say this with the perspective of having seen your other posts. Now do you really think that all of this negativity STOPS when you get a new GF? No. It just gets "buried" temporarily amidst the euphoria and unreality of two-way romantic idealization. Your negativity is still there, but you place it on the back burner for a while, and concentrate on your "good fortune" of finally having a loving SO in your life (again). At this point in your mind, you are finally complete, or so you believe. But the negativity and dissatisfaction your mind feels, slowly "leaks" out again when you realize that this new person in your life really isn't going to change things for you on any fundamental level. She isn't going to save you from your pain, suffering and misery. She isn't going to rescue you from your life long suffering. Is she? And that's when it all falls apart. It falls apart because of all the "pressure" you put on your chosen "one" to make you happy and complete. It falls apart because of the demands you place on her. Just examine what is "riding" on your next SO's shoulders. Would any woman reading this want the immense responsibility of being the savior in your life, knowing that you are absolutely counting on them, and them alone, to pull you out of this plight of suffering? I sure wouldn't want that heavy burden; and I don't know anyone who knowingly would. That is way too much "stuff" to put on another person. They will run from that. And that's why it ALL falls apart. That's the beginning of the end. Most intimate relationships (like yours) are over before they begin because they begin with this framework of Neediness, which usually is mutual. Both partners have it. Most intimate relationships are doomed, and statistics only prove this out. No person can live up to your exalted expectations of rescue. The next woman in your life is going to have a huge weight across her shoulders, a lot of responsibility to bear, and she won't know it until she is in the "thick" of it. And in time, she won't be able to bear it, just as you could never bear the overwhelming responsibility of making another happy when before they were not. This is profound NEEDINESS. Why do I say needy? That's HARSH. Well clearly, you are not happy NOW. But you expect to be "happy" when you find the "one", marry, and have children. In your mind, you NEED another to become happy. Finding comes first, then happiness. It doesn't get any simpler than that. It is clear, plain, and simple. You have stated here that you NEED another to be happy. You will find happiness when someone completes YOU. But nobody ever "completes" anyone, do they? That's a Hollywood construction, because it sells tickets; it's a fairy tale for adults. I would start examining that "neediness" construct in my own head, because it is WHY we keep repeating this same pattern of ours over and over and over. Its very common. The pattern is FIND your savior. Get disappointed by SAVIOR and disappoint SAVIOR when idealized romantic love "wears off." Break up with Savior who disappointed you. Rinse. Repeat. Your brain is full of Faulty thinking, wrong stupid thoughts about what it means to be a "success" in life, what it means to be "happy" in life. You believe, wrongly, that every couple who is married w/children is deliriously happy and that they avoid the suffering of life that you experience. That's not only boneheaded thinking, but also Unenlightened thinking. More precisely, its actually Ignorant thinking. Its that way because you don't know any other way to think....yet. Having children does not make you happy. Being married does not make you happy. Your happiness comes from your own mind. You have everything it takes to be happy right now but you don't Realize it yet. Do you really believe there is no chance for "single" people to be happy? What if your higher power sent you a message that said, guess what Diver, you have to go the rest of life ALONE and make the best of it? Would you really believe that you had been dealt a bad hand? Do you really believe that life would not be worth living because you would be "single", and single people are failures and destined for a life of misery? What you should do is go to Africa. The Sudan. Take a "vacation" to the Sudan and go see infants who are starving and who were born with Aids. See the adults who were burned alive and had limbs chopped off by Barbarians in Rwanda. Doing that or something like it, would provide you the perspective that could make you realize that, when compared to the vast majority of people on planet earth, you have actually been dealt a ROYAL FLUSH. You are damn lucky. You don't believe me but I will say it again. You were "born" lucky. You were born in the richest country on earth, you are healthy, you have an education, you own your own home, you have good food in your belly at all times. And, you have the LUXURY to beat yourself up because you can't find a SO. I am sorry to pick on you and use your story as an example for everyone. But its just so obvious that you are thinking in ignorant ways. You could try to turn your thinking around and realize that you have been blessed. Realize that if your only problems are that you aren't yet married with children, well, you are very very blessed indeed. Work on changing out your negative tapes---the negativity that you play over and over again in your mind. When you walk around town ask yourself who you would trade places with. The homeless bum who asked you for a dollar? The guy with no legs in the wheel chair? The horribly obese bag lady? The Vietnamese refugee that can't speak any English who is washing the dishes for you after your wonderful lunch? How about the alcoholic over there who has no teeth, and hasn't had a bath in four days? Maybe you would like to trade places with those young soldiers in Iraq who were kidnapped, tortured, and mutilated? Their pictures were then shown on the Internet. Their "crime" was being in the wrong place at the wrong time. These people "lost" the Ovarian lottery. You hit pay dirt. I am sorry to be harsh and to use your post as an example for all. But it make me sit up and take notice when I see someone that has so clearly drawn such a great "hand," but is not yet able to recognize it. You are so fortunate and have been blessed in countless ways. Now change your TAPES. regards
BatteredByLove Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 Diver any mature girl would want you, no doubt. You actually have a place you call home, and you actually can feed yourself, that's something to be proud of. I've read your thread about your EX... for her age... she sure is one immature woman. You might just be looking for the wrong type of girl . GL. -BBL
AriaIncognito Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 Bendit - Wow. Amazing post. Really. Dead on as well. I know the thing that kills me the most, are my internal dialogues. You hit the nail on the head with that. We become slaves to our negative thinking. Of course, it's no easy task to switch tapes but of course in time it is doable. I'm actually thinking about printing that post out and keeping it somewhere I always have access to it, as a reminder that I too, need to change my internal "nobody will ever love me" and "i'm fat, i'm ugly" etc etc stuff. Most of it, if not all of it, is untrue anyway. I guess when you tell yourself something long enough, you start to believe it...which is also a good reason to change the tapes. If you change the negative into positives, well just imagine the person you'll become... Jennifer
Author Diver012 Posted August 10, 2006 Author Posted August 10, 2006 I aggree with you. Just a bit of feeling sorry for myself last night... I suppose a few beers will do that.... Things could be worse. I have a beautiful house and a job and my health and family close by. I was reminded this afternoon by very upsetting news, just how fortunate I am. My Cousin was found dead this morning. We was in his mid 20's and has been struggling with a major drug problem through most of his teen years into his 20's. They are not sure if he ODd' or if he had a seizure as a result of all the drugs he took in his past. That family had been through so much already. They didn't need this. RIP Jeffory I hope God is smiling on you.
KittenMoon Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 DIver- so sorry to hear about your cousin. Drugs really are a horrid thing. My condolences to you and your family. I just wanted to say, you shouldn't feel guilty or greedy for wanting a partner. Most people are social creatures, we want companionship. You have a lot to offer someone... I am sure someone will have a lot to offer you someday as well.
Mollyanna Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 Sorry for your loss Diver. God Bless you and your family.
Author Diver012 Posted August 11, 2006 Author Posted August 11, 2006 Thank you for all your support and sympathy. This situation kinda puts my situation into pespective doesn't it? Dont sweat the small stuff, and its all small stuff... Im upset that someone so young, wasted his life away to drugs... I hope hes at peace.
loveinlife Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 I am sorry what happened Diver. Best wishes to you're situation. Also like to thank Bendit for making my life seem better than what I have been playing on my tape. Lots of realizations for me not to be so foolish. Like Diver, I have achieved so much and only thing that didn't turn out right was my relationship. Sometimes I lose track of what I have and only realize it when its gone. Thanks for pointing it out. Good stuff Bendit.
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