my boyfriend.. and my sister?

[megnog]

i've been dating my boyfriend for about 2 1/2 years now. he will be 27 in two months and i am 19. my sister is 22. my sister is like my best friend, i feel she will always be there for me. you'd think since these are the two most important people in my life i'd want them to have a fairly good relationship with one another. wrong.

 

i'm so jealous of my sister, i can't stand it. i've never felt this way before but it seems like my boyfriend and my sister have SO many things in common. too many. i feel like they could be perfect soul mates if it weren't for me in the way.

thing is, i wont even allow them to hang out. they've met before earlier on in my relationship with my bf but only once or twice and since then i wont even allow them to be in the same room.

i know i sound crazy.. but i'm a really jealous person. and the fact that shes older than me (more his age), she likes the same movies as him, same tv shows, shes smart.. its all stuff that i'm sure he'd love as far as qualities of a serious girlfriend

i feel like i'm dumber than my boyfriend.. not that i'm a complete idiot, but that they'd have such better conversations than i could ever have. this is eating me alive and i don't know what to do. eventually, at some point in my life, they wILL have to be in the same room and probably will have to get along.

now my sister has no idea i feel this way but my boyfriend definately knows. he always wanted to get to know her better to *i guess* be on good terms with my family. well i have always accused him of liking her and he knows damn well that i have such strong feelings. its been a pretty big problem in our relationship. now that its been built up so much i don't feel like i could ever let this one go.

also .. to make matters worse.. i found out a while ago that (he said) my sister hit on him. i'm thinking.. no way! because she doesn't even like him (from when i get mad at him i tell her our fights) . so its like either my sister ****ing hit on my boyfriend or my boyfriend thinks my sister hit on him, which means he thinks she likes him. either way its just a bad story and

damn i'm so confused.

 

this is kind of off subject but my dad is in town for a week and me and my sister and him have all been spending time together and i feel like i keep getting cut off whenever i want to talk and that my sister and my dad get along better than me and my dad. this, of course, is increasing my jealousy and i'm about to have a mental breakdown. i have started being mean to my sister and i don't even want to. i just feel like she went from being my best friend to my rival with everyone..

 

if anyone has any advice on what to do now i'd love to hear it. thanks so much

[P1xie]

i have started being mean to my sister and i don't even want to. i just feel like she went from being my best friend to my rival with everyone..

 

Since you have already said that you have not told your sister how you feel, you not your sister has made her your rival instead of your best friend.

 

Talk with your sister. Don't accuse her saying you want my bf. Tell her how you really feel. Point blank tell her I'm jealous of you. It seems all through life that dad has liked you better. Keep your bf out of it because that is not the root of your jealously.

 

Boyfriends come and go...a sister is for life, you once called her your best friend I would be trying to regain that since she has really done nothing to you.

 

I would like to think your dad does not like your sister better. I come from a large family 4 boys, 3 girls. I have never felt that I was loved any less. Different yes, we are all different people. My mom even says she loves us for different reasons, but doesn't love any of us any less. How can she not. We may of been raised by the same parents but we are individuals.

 

If my mom hangs out and seems to have more in common with one of my sisters I don't get jealous. Or even if their conversations don't include me, which is usually a topic that I'm not into but my sister is.

[everybody_chill]

Quit being petty towards your fellow woman and enjoy your life.

[RecordProducer]

There will always be women who will be prettier, smarter, better, funnier... than you (not me! :laugh). You have to learn to love yourself to the point where you're secure about your qualities and accept your - as well as other people's faults - as a part of everyone's personality. You need to take yourself more lightly; try to explore your mind and upgrade your strengths without competing with others.

 

It takes time to digest yourself. All of us have gone through stages of self-rejection in different ways. It comes around age 25 when you learn to be your own friend without being too judgmental.

 

I meet people who may be more fun at the given moment than my husband, more agreeing with me about important issues or more fun or more handsome or more whatveer... I don't think about them as my potential sole mates nor do I compare them to hubby. I love him and he's the one and only for as long as I'm with him. If your guy is comparing you to your sister and claims she hit on him (make him explain in details how and what she said then ask her which of that is true), then he's a piece of sh*t and not worth hitting your head off the wall for him.

[megnog]

thanks for the advice guys.

 

i know - i don't want to be mean to my sister. i know shes for life and all that.. and we get along so well. but its these feelings of resent that i can't help but feel. i don't really have a lot of time to talk but i'm serious when i say it happens EVERY time. you see, my dad lives accross the country (my parents are divorced) and he comes and visits like once a year and when he visits it seems like they talk and talk and i 'm like "yeah, one time-" and then someone else cuts me off. EVERY TIME.

 

and i've asked my boyfriend about what she could have possibly said to make him think she was hitting on him but he says he can't remember. he said it was in the kitchen (which i can't even think of time when they were in the kitchen together without me ??) and that she just seemed like.. .. i don't even know! to him she seemed like she liked him. which presents a huge problem because i already have this feeling that he likes her.. and him thinking she likes him back. what if hes using me to get to her? i know it sounds crazy because of the amount of time we've been together. but

 

its like

ok i saw this show on people who had ticks ( i forget the disease now) but i feel like i have ticks that are emotions. i can't STOP myself but feel this way. i can't just relax.. its very unfortunate for me, i wish i could be relaxed about life and just enjoy it.

 

btw, i've always thought i needed time as well to learn to love myself but my bf is saying that i don't need time, i'll be like this forever..

 

Ugh.

[RecordProducer]

You meant lime disease?

 

Anyway, time will show whether your BF is good or not. You shouldn't think about whether he's compatible with your sister, but how compatible he is with you.

 

Don't think that if people talk a lot, they have the feeling that they're compatible. You seem to live in the shade of your sister's charisma (or at least that's how you see it) and it bothers you that she is the butterfly and you're the caterpillar. But it's only in your head, honey!

 

Be yourself and pick/attract people who will love you for who you are. You are very wrong if you think that charming, talkative, and smart people have many friends and lovers. Most often they are very lonely because people fear them, see them as threats, and envy them. So they end up rejected by the whole world together with their qualities.

 

Don't make this an ego thing. Accept yourself the way you are and others the way they are.

[Hitman10000]

Oh, this thing sounds familiar to a two friends of mines. You won't want to read this if you are insecure about your relationship. And that "sisters stay together" thing means almost as much as "bros before hos" thing which is a myth. Are you ready to hear this?

 

Me, and and two other male buddies and one of my male buddies brought along a girlfriend. My male buddy is the sensitive girly type, and his girlfriend is the head strong one extrovert wearing the pants in the relationship. We met this other male buddy up and guess what happened. He happened to like the same things and had the same ideologies (progressive democratic socialism) like this head strong masculine woman. I noticed how their conversations seem to complement each other, I paid deep attention as I'm sure others were, that this girl who had the exact same personality as this other guy did except SHE was the EXTROVERT and he was the INTROVERT version of each other. The feminine girly bud of mines saw this and of course he took it passively. They were talking about Star Wars really in depth and my sensitive girly man all he did was nod a feel and smile. The girly man and his manly woman were dating each other for 6 whole years. No ring, she knew what was up she knew he would not marry her.

 

So what happened? Well I didn't see any of them for a couple months, and then this introvert guy asked this extrovert girl for her email, they've been emailing each other every single week and then finally since she owned the place, kicked the girly man out, broke up with him and then started dating the introvert guy. They've been together for a couple months and the last time I spoke to him, he said he really didn't expect it but he wanted to date a girl that would debate him on many things (it's a good thing, she's a lawyer, he's a network computer administrator) , and he's getting used to a girl wearing the pants and he says he actually feels very comfortable talking to her/debating in long intellectual tirades with her compared to my sensitive dumped guy buddy who told me that he felt like walking on eggshells all the time. I told him, dude you knew what was going to happen. 6 years and you yourself told me you didn't want to marry her.

 

You have every right to be insecure and concerned about this. You know how you get that feeling when you see two people totally clicking and conversing. They could be real good friends right? But you're a woman who can read body language, You know the real deal. Your sister wants your boy and your boy wants her. It will happen, I have no doubt that if you do leave him alone with your sister, or if he happens to somehow.. coincidentally (not really) talks to her, there will be an email exchange, then phone exchange, then secret meetings. It will happen, it happened to my buddies. But it's okay for you, since you're 19, but to tell the truth a guy around my age which is similar to your boyfriend truly..TRULY wants someone compatible and around his age. 22 - 27 is not that far apart compared to 19 - 27. I'm just speaking the truth, not sugarcoating it like women.

 

You can't stop it, they will eventually be together. you're 19. You don't know what a real relationship is. Women know the real deal in their early 20s on what type of guy would be good for them after going through several. Guys...it takes till late 20s.

[j.carsey]

Your sister is way more important in your life than your boyfriend, don't forget who is your own family

 

Gotta be careful about the boyfriend/sister thing. I'm seeing a girl whose sister is very attractive and I know what kind of things come up in the situation. There's always this problem of people getting feelings for those they repeatedly see -- same reason coworkers and school students fall for each other.

 

But as long as she isn't actively flirting with him, there's probably nothing to worry about. DO NOT repeatedly bring up this stuff with your boyfriend (you think my sister's pretty? what do you think of her? ever thought you might like her more?) ... it will weird him out

[megnog]

alright hitman, i appreciate your honesty. it sucks but i know it CAN happen and that is why i never doubted it and was always a bit paranoid. but.. what can i do right now? them never hanging out has presented many problems because i'll want to go hang out with her and her friends and he'll ask why he can't come. of course, he knows the answer but i can't keep doing this.

they haven't realized theyre compatible.. which is my problem. i'm afraid once they get to talking I'LL be the third wheel and they will just be able to talk for hours. its so weird because i'll hang out with him one night and the next night i hang out with her and it just seems like they'd get along so well. i don't want to them to come to this realization. but i'm not going to break up with him on false pretenses. so.. what do i do??

 

and j.carsey - i don't want to pick one over the other, youre right.. to lose my sister (and best friend) would be a tragedy. we understand eachother and we have this great bond that only sisters can have because we've been through everything together.

but i can't go telling her i'm jealous of her. for some reason, its something i couldn't admit to her. i DO see her like the butterfly and i'm the caterpillar. ESPECIALLY when i'm hanging out with her friends. i get along with them well so its not weird but she can just be so witty sometimes and i feel like the dumb one.

 

i know that the guy i'm dating wants to settle down and probably get married at some point. he mentions that most of his friends are married and are having babies. the fact that she is more his age has probably crossed his mind. but he has continuously told me that shes the exact opposite of what hes interested in (from what he knows). see, hes all anti-drug and i used to smoke occasionally. well hes stopped that (kind of) with me and he thinks my sister is this hardcore drug user. which is his number one, and only, reason he doesn't like her. but shes not even! she rarely smokes or does drugs.

 

situation - my sisters roommate, who i'm friends with, is having her 21st bday party next saturday. i want to go but i know my bf will want to come with me. i want to be strong and invite him and get over my fear of them instantly falling in love.. but i know i'm just going to make the night miserable. if i go to the bathroom and come back and see them chatting away and laughing i will freak out. its so stupid, because i know that hes allowed to talk to other people DUH but ughhh, its so frustrating.

 

by the way, i was talking about that disease where people shout out random words (most commonly known as sexual words). and DAMNIT I can't think of what its called. but thats unimportant to this post..

 

anyway help????

[jgrandst]

In all honesty my mother is 49, her current husband is 36. That is a much larger difference than 19-27. I have had bad experience with my brother with same problems, but in all honesty, if this guy is a keeper, he will remain faithful to you regardless of how much better he clicks with any girl.

 

If your B/F loves you and actually cares for you, he will remain faithful. Also, you seem to care for him, but you will never know what is going to happen until you take this chance. Let them be around each other, but also be ready for the possibily of disappointment. If this guy has stuck around for 2 1/2 years then maybe its not so much them liking each other, as it is them enjoying each others company.

 

Even if you try hard, the initial spark of a relationship eventually fades some, because its not new, scary, and adventurous anymore. The simple fact of the matter is relationships tend to become a little more mundane as time passes. However, if you love each other, it will show in the face of hardship.

 

My suggestion is take a chance, and you might be surprised. If he really cares for you he will stay with you.

[megnog]

alright, thanks for the advice.

i know that we HAVE been together for so long.. it would seem stupid to accuse him of liking her.

and its not so much that i'd think he'd leave me for her. shes my sister. hes a good guy; i know thats messed up and he wouldn't do that. i guess its just been about his thoughts. i can't read his mind and i'd give anything to do so. i'm just scared that his thoughts might be that he likes her. and i try to imagine if it were the other way around and he had a younger brother that was more my age that was just like me and if i'd like him. and the answer is no, because i care for my boyfriend and i don't see his family as possible people to date.

but i guess since i'm a girl and hes a guy i don't know how it works in a males mind. hes tried so hard to convince me that he doesn't like her.. i just..

i just can't stand that he thought she hit on him. my sister has a very attractive friend that he also said she hit on him. i was mad when i was told this information so i insulted him by saying something like "who do you think you are? brad pitt?"

but that was stupid because apparently i hurt his feelings but i don't know what to do . i don't know why i am so jealous and insecure. sometimes i feel like i can trust him but other times i feel like hes a guy and i can't trust him. i guess i have a thing against guys.. i feel like they are all the same - rotten.

 

you'd think this came from something, like a bad relationship. but i've never been cheated on (to my knowledge..)

 

anyway i appreciate everyones advice. i know i need to get over this. its just the worst feeling in the world thinking about how great your boyfriend and sister could be. how they could be a perfect couple. how theyre so alike and made for eachother. its just a ****ty feeling that i hoped i could rid but i guess not. i guess i'll just have to deal with these things

[CaterpillarGirl]

The best thing you can do is to get your sister to be an advocate for you. People like to be needed. If you go to her and say,"Listen. I really want to improve my relationship with Dad. Can you help me talk to him more and get to know him better the next time he's here?", I bet that she would stop cutting you off and help you keep up in the conversation. Likewise, if you tell her how you are feeling about her and your boyfriend and ask for her help in dealing with these feelings, I think you will probably be more comfortable, knowing that she's your ally and that you two are honest with each other. If you want other people (your bf, your sister) to act with integrity, you need to start by being honest with them, even if it means admitting something you are embarrassed about. Having people help you makes you stronger, not weak!

[Green]

Forget your sister sounds to cool for school, your bf isnt doing a good job at making you feel loved its all his fault he should be on a loveshack forum asking how he can stop making his gf feel like she isnt good enough!