ALLALONEAT35 Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 hmmmmmmmmmm... wondering outloud, why do men think us women need to chase them... My husband and I have been separated for over a month now. well to make along story short, he thinks I should be the one calling him, going to see him. It doesnt make any sense, he left me..... I told him while he was here that it was getting harder, he said it should be getting easier... I just dont get it.... He really has me confused....... I love him so much, I am praying we can work this out and get back together.. But he gives me the impression that we are together but live in different places. But I have to do all the work to maintain the relationship....... I dont think that is fair, do you? On the other hand I am thinking the only way getting him back then I would have to go to him, I dont know. Any thoughts on this one... I keep thinking about the 34 things dont to do to get your marriage back, but it seems I have to do those things to get him back...
Gunny376 Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 The first is that the one that cares the least ~ controls the relationship. Which are you? Next Love is the self imposed dilussion that any one person has something to offer you that the other 6 billion people on the planet doesn't have to offer? Cleopathra didn't ~ never went to Mark Anthony, she always made Mark Anthony come to her. The one time she did ~ he was on her turf. Attraction-seduction, seduction-attaction,..............its a dance. What it took to get them ~ is what it took to keep them. Most seductive thing any woman ever said to me, "Oh no! It doesn't come that easy! You've got to work for it!" LOL! And, I'm here to tell you, she made me work for it ~ and I loved it! People want what everyone else wants! People want what they can't have! People want what they desire! People want what other's desire! People "think" gold and diamonds" are precious because of their preception that they're rare. What one man will abuse ~ another can certainly use! One man's junk ~ is another man's treasure! There are no shortage or men ~ nor women! You have to build the value and scaricity of yourself in the eyes of the buyer! You have to give them the gift of missing you!
Lor Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 hmmmmmmmmmm... wondering outloud, why do men think us women need to chase them.... Its an ego trip. If you chase him, if you go to him, call him, you are giving him what he wants, which is for you to beg and plead for him. and all you are doing is giving him more power and control over you. And he sounds like the kind of guy who wants you to be mooning and crying over him. As if he's gracing you with his presence. The face to face contact is not a good thing. It makes you want to say things you shouldn't and its very hard to control. Sometimes its unavoidable so when that happens keep it to one word answers and ignore him the best you can. He's wanting your attention and you are giving it to him. The 34 things is extremely hard...worse that pulling teeth. But do them, for your own sanity. You're only a month in, barely scratched the surface of the hurt. Start doing these things now and it will become habit over time and it will get easier. Don't lose sight of some key issues; he left you, not the other way around. He ignored your kids. This was his choice. You are not at fault during this--he's made his bed, let him lie in it. You are a good person and deserve to be treated with respect. If there were things you did before he left that caused problems, work on fixing them but not for him, for yourself. You can't fix him, you can't take care of him, you can't make him come home. He's a big boy--let him take care of himself now. Concentrate on yourself and your kids. Put your focus towards that and not towards what if's and the future. It sounds so easy to say this and harder to do. Keep in mind, all the things I'm telling you are things I didn't do--I did everything you are wanting to do. Where am I? With signed divorce papers in hand and an H who doesn't give a flying....... (note: you may want to keep posting to one thread you've started, that way people can rehash your situation without having to search for it)
Author ALLALONEAT35 Posted August 10, 2006 Author Posted August 10, 2006 The first is that the one that cares the least ~ controls the relationship. Which are you? I feel that I am the one that cares the most about this relationship. You have to give them the gift of missing you So when he says I havent called or come over to see him, I should leave it like that??? I biggest fair is he would find someone else...
Author ALLALONEAT35 Posted August 10, 2006 Author Posted August 10, 2006 Thanks for the advice, I really have found comfort at the loveshack... I have been doing my best to avoid him... The only problem is he has his things here, and when he comes to get something it might be only one or two things.... Its making me think he is trying to make sure nooneelse enters his territory... I really want this marriage to work, but honestly without the respect it would never work and that is something I am starting to realize... I guess you can say I am finally starting to see myself for what I am worth... I dont want to settle, and just go back to the way it was....
dgiirl Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 He wants you to come to him, because he's a coward. If he REALLY wants to come back, then he should have the courage to say he wants to come back. After all, the least you deserve is to know he came back because he wanted too, not because you had to beg/plead/convince/guilt trip him he should come back. This doesnt mean you should degrade them or humiliate them, forcing them to do some grand gesture to win you back. But make the environment open enough for them to come back without them losing any of their self respect. However, it seems he wants you to lose your self respect and beg him to come back. I would simply tell him that you love him, that you are willing to work on this marriage, that you are committed to this marriage, but if he doesnt want to come back, then that is his choice, and leave it at that. There's nothing more to say. Keep working on your self esteem and self respect. Keep focusing on yourself and less on him.
Lor Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 Its making me think he is trying to make sure nooneelse enters his territory... Well, yeah. He doesn't want you right now but by God, no one else can have you! Is that fair? Not in the least. My H doesn't want me in his life right now, doesn't miss me, but I can guarantee you that if I showed up with someone else he'd see green. Its only the caveman in them coming out. Don't read more into it than that. An idea for you--box all his stuff up and drop it off at his Mother's--that's where he's staying, right? He's making excuses to come see if you're miserable and its making him feel better and more justified to see that you are. Everytime he sees you he's thinking "yep, (hitch up pants here) she still misses me. I'm the man." Don't give him the satisifaction. Wanna play mean? Take all his stuff to a mini-storage, pay for one month, hand him the key and the code and say, come get it, leave it and pay, or don't pay and they'll keep it. Which they will--my parents owned a mini-storage and they got to keep what was in the units that people quit paying on. if he spits and sputters, say "but, honey, you wanted to move out. I was only helping...." You are the only one who cares right now. He is letting you do all the work but it will be for you in the end anyway, one way or the other. You will be able to look yourself in the mirror and know that HE was the one who left, not you. YOU were committed to your relationship, not him. Its hard to let go and focus on yourself; you're used to taking care of him. have you bought a new pair of earrings yet? styled your hair different or lightened it? do something just for YOU and don't do it to get his attention. Do it to get attention for yourself. Have fun with it, draw attention to yourself and away from him. He won't like it one bit.
Gunny376 Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 is known for being a "Red State" and for having Rednecks, its also sixth in the natioin for murder. My point is ~ folks down around these parts ~ to include women aren't known to have a lot of tolerance for BS. Most women I know around here would put his trash to the curb, call him up and tell him "If you want it, you best get your azz over here and get it! Its trash day, and it looks like rain!" and then hang up. Most of the GRITS (Girls Raised In The South) I know, would have a good cry, tie a good one on, go to chruch, pray, and then be out tearing up the roads, rasing Hell, and yelling "Hell Yea!" and "**** that MF!" Men in Alabama are dogs (and women) just like anywhere else, but they know if they walk out the door, they'll pay the Devil getting back in it. A lot of women I know of here in Alabama would tell their men when they tell them they've got to go, that they're leaving, "Leave? Where you going? You going to the store? Pick up some milk and a loaf of bread while you there. Oh! You mean "leaving!" Well you might limp or crawl out that door but your azz won' t be walking, I can promise you that!"
Gunny376 Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 When they told their children they were getting a divorce, the son (13) and daughter (9) told them: "Divorce? Whatever! Ya'll do whatever you want, but we need our Mama and Daddy in the same house everyday! We didn't ask to be born!" Soooooooooooooo, they got a divorce and still live together. LOL! And yes they've tried dating others ~ but now they're back to "living together" as a couple!
Lor Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 Speaking of rednecks..... I have some cousins by marriage that, when they divorced, he literally took a chainsaw and cut their trailer in half.........
Wolfp Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 Speaking of rednecks..... I have some cousins by marriage that, when they divorced, he literally took a chainsaw and cut their trailer in half......... Chuckle out of me
Gunny376 Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 That has a Full Size Dodge Ram 4X4 pickup ~ his pride and joy. In the divorce, the wife wanted it and the trailer. The judge gave it to her, and he got PO'd. He wanted to argue with the judge about the PU, and the Judge re-buffed and scolded him, and told him Mr._______________ you make sure you deliver that truck to your wife's front door by noon on Monday or I'll hold you in contempt of court and put you in jail, do I make myself clear!" So he did~ RIGHT THROUGH HER FRONT DOOR, INTO THE LIVING ROOM!
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