Don't Understand At All

[StarryStarryNight]

My bf dropped off the face of the earth seven months ago. He left town on a job and said in an email that he would contact me and never did. We were having problems but I was really blindsided by this.

 

One month ago, he sent a casual email saying Hi.

When I didn't respond, he sent another saying "I understand, I won't bother you again".

This was followed by at least one blank email a day from him. A few said things like "You are the finest human being I have ever known", "God Bless You", etc.

I wouldn't respond because I was just flabbergasted that he would abandon me like that after us planning on getting married etc.

 

After sending 30 emails in the last month with no reply from me Today he sent this:

 

"I know you understand that ignoring me is the most hurtful thing you can do to me. I'm not certain whether that is your intent or not. If it is ,then so be it, but in your heart of hearts you know to a moral certainty that I have never and will never change the way I feel about you. I know we can never start over again, it would just be too hurtful, but I swear before God that I love you with all my heart and will continue to do so forever. Thank You for allowing me to know what it's like to love. I'll whisper your name in that moment in which I depart this realm, until then I wish you all the very best of everything."

 

This after six months of ignoring me.

If he loves me, why is he saying we can't start over?

If he feels we can't start over, why is he contacting me?

 

 

He does have a history of depressive moments and has disappeared before but I always loved him with all my heart and forgave him. It has always been me being the one to reach out.

 

This time was different because I implemented No Contact and that is when he began bombarding me with emails.

 

Does he or doesn't he?

Why is he sending these mixed signals?

What is he really saying?

 

Thank you so much for your help!

Starry

[waitingforlove]

I think he wants a second chance but is too afraid to lose his pride by asking directly. You're absolutely right -- why would he contact you otherwise? When you didn't respond to him, his pride got hurt, and yet he kept trying again and again in denial. He wants to save his pride again -- and the most convenient way for that to happen is if you would respond to him and give him a chance again. He claims that he knows you won't start over -- because he's afraid of asking if you could start over, in case you would say no. He wants you to say, "no, maybe we can start over." In other words, he wants you to take the most crucial steps for you guys to start over again.

 

It's not fair to you, I understand. However, do you still love him? Would you want a second chance yourself? If you do, then perhaps you could let down your pride a bit to save his and to save your relationship. I know even if my ex ever comes back (which is quite impossible actually), he would never apologize for anything. I would have to swallow the pain and let him back into my life -- if by that time I still have feelings for him. To me, that's "worthwhile" if I still love the person. But if you're already moving on, then just keep ignoring him and eventually I think he'll go away. Good luck!

[Ukwizard]

Your bf sounds a bit like me. Too afraid to ask directly, and too frightened of confrontation.

 

I was seeing a girl for 3 months, and decided she wasn`t the one for me. Instead of tackling the issue face to face. I dropped off the face of the Earth. I know that seems like cowardly, but believe me. I m not a great person to dump someone. We just stopped talking to each other.

 

Looking back, I think that we had communication problems. It sounds like you have the same here.

 

I truly believe he wants a second chance. The problem like I said before, is commincation. Before I met my second girlfriend, my first girlfriend dumped me, and I told her something similar that I didnt want any contact before Christmas. (this was before Chrisatmas 2005 by BTW)

 

She replied in an email agreeing to, but I couldnt help myself, and sent her emails every other day.

 

People`s actions as they say, speak louder than words. Otherwise what other motive has he to email you. I think he`s left town on a new job, and finding it difficult, as he`s alone and wants to speak to you.

[sirjay]

I agree. I think its pretty clear that he wants another go but that he is fishing for some affirmation from you. This is completely out of order considering what he did.

 

You have every right to be standoffish and to make him come after you. He has a LOT to prove to you.

 

One way to deal with this might be to put an end to games right now and tell him straight out that he is looking like he wants you back, that you are extremely hurt and pissed off and that he is going to have to be a man and address that before you are even prepared to talk to him.

 

The worst thing to do at this point would be to just let him in easily. He will never respect that.

[StarryStarryNight]

I hope I clicked on the right button because I want to say Thank You to ALL the replies!

I hope and pray he does want what I want. He really is a wonderful man, but has a history of depression and hallucinations and he may have a bipolar disorder, but I would still love him if he did. I've known him forever. He is not violent at all, but very prideful and stubborn.

I am doing what you suggest. I'm being a bit stand-offish. I've always run back willingly, and he has always acted grateful, but always knew he could do this and I would come back.

 

Yesterday, I replied to his email by just sending it back with no text.

He wrote back last night in capital letters "THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU".

I waited about three hours and also sent that back.

He knows I am hurting, so I think it is smart to deal with it this way for now.

 

Right after he had disappeared in January, I went to "Our Tree" and wrote our names on a branch. He had evidently been in town at some point and gone to the tree, because he had written "Forever" and my pet name and signed it underneath.

 

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him, but I think I smother him with affection and love and make him feel cramped sometimes.

He is very independant and loves nature and camping in the desert by himself. He also sent me a picture last night of a hoodoo that he hiked to and said he had put our names on it.

 

I don't want to lose him, but I'm also very confused, and am afraid to talk to him anyway because of his statement about we could "Never Start Over".

So that helps me remain silent with him for now, which is a good thing.

[sirjay]

"am afraid to talk to him anyway because of his statement about we could "Never Start Over".

 

 

 

He is not saying HE feels that. Look at his actions - are they the actions of a man who doesn't want to start over?!

 

He said that to try to get you to disagree with his statement. He is trying to get you to move in closer and give him confirmation. Let him in a little bit but try to stay strong and maintain control. Make him make the moves. First off, he needs to explain why he ran out on you.

[Guest]

I hope I find a woman like you one day StarryStarryNight. I really do. I would love to be smothered for once in my life by love and affection.

[StarryStarryNight]

My love for him went beyond the realm of earthly in his eyes. It makes me want to cry to think of it now, but I can remember sometimes picking his hands up and holding the palms of them to my face and just breathing in the scent of his hands to feel his nearness. When he wasn't on a downward spiral into that depressed state that drives him away from me, he marveled at little things like this.

 

I have known him a very very long time. Time enough for him to lose all of his hair prematurely, and time enough for him to gain almost 80 pounds as he approaces middle age . He would marvel at the fact that in my eyes he remained that same awkward young man who stole my heart away so many years before. He once wept and said that I made him feel beautiful and he knew he wasn't. He was terribly embarrassed but said it was because I was the only person who ever really loved him.

 

But when he would spiral into his depressions this became burdomsome for him. And he would feel trapped or as he put it, that he "needed to feel at least some vestige of independance".

And then he would pull away and dissappear.

 

The last time, about two years ago, he became so depressed after about six months after he sent me away that he wished for death. He comtemplated it but didn't follow through. Once, during this time, his mother and he were having a disagreement and she said "You never loved ANYTHING!" and he glanced up at her with (according to her) a look like she had never seen and he said "Yes I did Mother, I Love Starry".

 

This forum is proving very helpful to me thanks to you all.

I am, by writing my experiences and getting your feedback, am coming to realize that you are possibly right. That he maybe does care about me, and when he does this he is not "out" of love with me perhaps(?) and there is something deeper going on with him than just commitment phobia or what have you. If this is the case, I wouldn't even know how to approach the subject of telling him I feel he has a mental illness.

 

I am following your advice and letting him write, and acknowledging by returning the email blank to him and he wrote me back and said "You have no idea how much your just hitting the reply button means to me. Thank you for your kindness. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, you have always been my miracle".

 

Love,

Starry