I AM PREGNANT (my thoughts about it)

August 11, 2006

he will support my decision,

RP.. I had heard of your pregnancy thru the LS grapevine that I keep up with thru email and had to come out of retirement to post a message to you.

My heart goes out to you and also to your hubby and also to your children

You keep saying that he will support you in any decision that you make.

From my viewpoint of reading this thread he has not and will not do that unless your decision is an abortion.

A man that is supportive of his wife doesn't say things like he is saying.

He simply hugs his wife and lets her know how much he loves her.

He is trying to change the outcome in his favor.

It seems he doesn't want the child but I'll bet my last dollar that a lot of men have/had felt the same way and after the baby was born they change their mind and realize how special having a child can be.

I'm not trying to sway you either way and I'm posting because it seems that you are having a tough time of it and thought maybe my few thoughts might be of some help.

Hugzzzz...

Now.. Back to retirement

August 11, 2006

This morning, before hubby went to work, he told me honestly how he felt about the whole situation. He said:

"If you want the baby, I will be excited about it once you make up your mind. I love you and I will definitely love the child. I will be a good father and a good husband. If this baby is what you want and if it will make you happy then I want to make you happy.

However that's not exactly what I had in mind. We already have two children. The boys are my sons and I think a family of four is perfect. I am not thrilled about having a 3rd child. I am sorry, but that's how I feel about it and have to be honest with you.

I picked you together with the boys and I am their dad. I don't feel like starting from a scratch with a new baby. I wanted us to be able to enjoy our lives with the boys, who are already big. I've worked hard for 25 years, for many years I have worked for 15-16 hours every day and I really feel like now, that I sold the company, I have the opportunity to have a good time with my wife and sons.

I am glad I married you, I think you're a good wife and this was my plan. However if this is something that will stand between us, that you will resent me for, and will ruin my marriage then I want to have the baby and I will be with you in your decision. Don't rush into anything. You don't have to abort the child. Do whatever makes you happy and I will be happy too, no matter what you decide."

I realized that a part of my decision to have a child with him was because I felt like he didn't have children of his own, while he feels that my kids are HIS and constantly repeats that to me (not just in the last few days). I guess I assumed that how I would feel about his kids had he had them from a previous marriage was how he felt also.

I also felt very insecure about my position in this marriage given that my ex-husband left me plus I came here alone and half of his family treats me like they're waiting for me to leave anytime. But he doesn't care about whether they like me or not. He loves me.

He said he plans to be with me forever. I think a part of my desire to have a baby was also based on the fear I had from my last marriage that he would leave me and that I would be an outsider if I didn't have a child with him. I am certainly not proud of these thoughts, but I can't help but acknowledge them and admit that I wasn't even aware of them, but they did wander in my mind. I was scared and insecure. He reassured me that with or without a baby, he loves me and won't leave me. And he gave me the option to make a final decision without feeling bad about it.

So why I decided to terminate the pregnancy is:

1. I am frightened that something might be wrong with the baby (I am a little paranoid about things when it comes to kids) and I am afraid that something might go wrong during labor (C-section), especially since I don't trust the doctors here after they scheduled an appointment for me for September 5th. When I was having my twins, my father dug out the best doctor in the whole country to operate me and follow my pregnancy. I could enter my doctor's office at any time and get consultation. I took blood and urine tests immediately after discovering I was pregnant, I got instructions on what to eat, what to (not) do, I was asked about family history, medications I've taken, etc. and I was scheduled an ultra-sound a week or two later (in the second moth).

Here, I called on August 9 and said I was pregnant and wanted an appt. They scheduled an appt for a month later and only after I insisted to see a doctor sooner they said they "squeezed" me in August 21st but not with my doctor. I asked about ultra-sound and they said "It depends on your insurance." My insurance is fine, but I hate to think of going through pregnancy by praying to god for my doctor to be available when I need him.

2. I also didn't look forward to all the work around a little child for 5 years.

3. I was never 100% sure I wanted the baby and in fact, I didn't really plan the pregnancy. I forgot to say that I was going to get the BC pill, but when I tried to schedule an appt they told me my doctor was busy in the next couple weeks then on a vacation for a couple weeks. Again - unprofessional approach for the big money we throw on health insurance.

4. I don't want to have a baby if he doesn't feel like it and he has a right to feel the way he does.

5. I got very emotional about the baby, but now I just want to forget about the whole thing. As I stated before, I wasn't raised in the anti-abortion ambiance, I've done this before, and I feel relieved at this moment. I was waking up scared every morning since I found out about the pregnancy thinking "What have I done to myself? I didn't want a baby before. Until two days ago I was looking at babies in the street thinking "thank god it's not mine!"

So I guess I chickened out about this. I have two sons that make me happy and I am not willing to go through the "imprisonment," fears, and boring loneliness again. Children are wonderful and precious, but I already have two.

Maybe I'll be sad when I have to abort it, but right now I am fine.

Not that this is important at all, but it's interesting how my views have changed since my insecurities have changed: I don't feel that if my SIL finds out about this, that it will be a shameful thing for me, meaning that he is not serious about our marriage and she can crap all over me. Now I feel that what she had to do to keep her husband - have a baby with him 8 years ago - I don't. I will keep him anyway.

Indeed, even though every woman gets tenderized by pregnancy, a part of my reasons to have this baby were not the right ones. I was subconsciously trying to create a bond in an artificial and unnecessary way - a bond that I thought didn't exist. But it does exist with or without the baby.

Those who are ready to throw stones at me... please spare me your judgments. This is my life and I am responsible for my decisions so please don't make me feel like I shouldn't have come here to express my thoughts.

Thanks, everyone for your input, effort, time, concern, and support. Everyone's post helped me open my eyes, feel better, see things from different perspectives or see that I didn't feel in a certain way. Everyone was helpful (except Fred and Asafan, who came to spit on a pregnant woman. Shame on you two! ).

August 11, 2006

RP

I have jsut a some questions.

1.) If you abort this baby does this mean no children for you guys period?

2.) If that is so what about BC? Are you guys doing something more permanent

3.) Are you doing this out of fear and for your hubby and not so much because it's what you really want?

4.) If you are going to abort don't you think your avatar is somewhat macob?

August 11, 2006

Hey, Arty! I was wondering where you were and missed you. Come back on LS.

You made some very good points, Arty and after my conversation with hubby this morning, I am able to reply to your thoughts precisely.

You keep saying that he will support you in any decision that you make. From my viewpoint of reading this thread he has not and will not do that unless your decision is an abortion.

He asked me not to make a decision that will ruin our marriage. He told me to do what makes me happy. He said he would be happy with my decision also.

A man that is supportive of his wife doesn't say things like he is saying.
He simply hugs his wife and lets her know how much he loves her.

That would be a big, fat lie in this case and a man who loves his wife doesn't lie to her. I prefer that he was honest with me. In that way he not only gave me the realistic tools to operate with, but he made me change my decision and feelings toward the pregnancy, and what's even most important, he made me realize that I held onto this baby for the wrong reasons.

He is trying to change the outcome in his favor.

Oh, he did a huge favor to me

... by saving me from something I didn't genuinely want.

It seems he doesn't want the child but I'll bet my last dollar that a lot of men have/had felt the same way and after the baby was born they change their mind and realize how special having a child can be.

Yes and he knows that and said that if the baby is born, he will love it because it will be his child.

I'm not trying to sway you either way and I'm posting because it seems that you are having a tough time of it and thought maybe my few thoughts might be of some help.

Yes, they are helpful, Arty. I once more realize that I still can have the baby, he will be excited about it once I make up my mind to keep it (his words!) and love it just as much as I will when it's born.

So now it's only up to me... I feel free to make any (selfish or not) decision and feel good about it. He will be happy with no matter what I decide, he said.

August 11, 2006

1.) If you abort this baby does this mean no children for you guys period?
2.) If that is so what about BC? Are you guys doing something more permanent
3.) Are you doing this out of fear and for your hubby and not so much because it's what you really want?
4.) If you are going to abort don't you think your avatar is somewhat macob?

1. Yes.

2. We'll let you know on time!

3. I am not such an angel. I do what's best for me. Frankly, if I were 100% sure I wanted this baby, nothing on earth would stop me from having it! Nothing! Especially since he stated that he'd be happy, he'd love the child, wants to make me happy, and wants our marriage to work out, not fall apart.

4. Why is my avatar bothering you? You don't want me to change my mind?

August 11, 2006

Recordproducer ,I understand that it is both of your decisions to make. But the final decision should lie with the women, cause you will be the one that will go through it all! In the end if you decide to do it then you will resent him and will probably end the marriage. It isn't all your fault it took two to make the baby . You said he knew your cycle and yet he went inside. He sounds a little wishy washy to me! JMO

August 11, 2006

RP, as alpha said earlier in your post...I will support whatever choice you make.

August 11, 2006

Huggs to you RP, what you are going through right now is tough either way.

Jade

August 11, 2006

That would be a big, fat lie in this case and a man who loves his wife doesn't lie to her.

There are many ways to be supportive.. To me the best way to be supportive to a spouse that is having a tough time of it and being undecisive is to hold her close and tell her how much I love her.

That isn't lying.

There is a time and place to mention negative/selfish feelings toward a situation and for me I would not have mentioned how I felt until my spouse was on a more firm stable footing and until that time I would've showed my support thru Love and Understanding..

Your Hubby does seem like he is doing more communicating with you and that is good..

You both will weather thru this and it will make you stronger

By the way.. I do miss LS too.. but with moving on, work and a new GF I seem to be pretty content with things..

August 11, 2006

Hey RP. I am not gonna take sides on this one because I am pretty much solidly on one! But, you take care and do what you think is right for you and your family (Av included) at this point.

It has to kill you to be vascillating on this back and forth--the ups and downs in this thread were incredible. Your decision should not be hasty, but it should also be timely.

It should be a decision from BOTH of you taking into account BOTH of your feelings. I am not so sure it is at this point!

And, with it's weaknesses and all, our health care system is pretty good. Pregnancy is not an affliction and quite honestly, this early waiting a month is not too unreasonable to see your doc. Now if you were bleeding or somethign--different story!

But, as always, I am here for you.

--now back to the retirment home with Art and his new Girlfriend---hot three way sex!

August 11, 2006

RP, I'm glad to hear you and hubby are communicating and being honest with each other. I truly believe things have a way of working out for the best in the end, though we may not see it in the moment. Honesty with each other and with yourselves is the key.

BTW, I am from Eastern Europe myself...it's a pleasure to meet you and welcome to the US!

August 11, 2006

Thanks t everyone for the support. Love you, guys.

I just talked to my mom and although she was prepared for one more grand-child and was supportive of whatever decision I'd make, she said this was the best for ME, as she knows me really well. She said I wouldn't have been content as a busy mother of three and it would have only put me behind with my life. Now mom knows me better than anyone else in this world and I'm telling you - what she said is true. She said that my husband did me a favor for deciding for me basically, that he chose what was better for me, although he chose it for himself.

Recordproducer ,I understand that it is both of your decisions to make. But the final decision should lie with the women, cause you will be the one that will go through it all!

Exactly! And I realized that I wasn't physically and emotionally prepared to go through labor, fear, hormonal imbalance, post-operative pain, breast-feeding, sleepless nights, three-shift hard work, loss of freedom, imprisonment, worries and broken nerves for the next 5-6 years.

There are many ways to be supportive.. To me the best way to be supportive to a spouse that is having a tough time of it and being undecisive is to hold her close and tell her how much I love her. That isn't lying.

... but certainly isn't telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

If I came to a point where I thought "OMG, what was I thinking?! ", do you think I really wanted this baby with all my heart?

I came on LS to think out loud then made a quick decision to keep it just to freak out 100 times a day about what was waiting for me. I became sentimental about the child and wanted it at some point. My vanity was hurt that my husband didn't want the child. But he gave me full freedom of choice and unconditional support with his words this morning. he confirmed that he wanted ME to choose what makes ME happy. And I realized that this child was not 100% wanted by me either.

Can't you see that he let ME make the FINAL decision knowing that he would backup me in any case?

I'll never meet him or her and that certainly doesn't make me feel good, but I've made up my mind and I'm trying to detach myself emotionally from the baby.

Honestly, my biggest fear is this: I am happy right now... what if I have a defective child that will make everyone's life totally miserable? Will I ever forgive myself for turning my good life into hell? I don't have nay grounds for thinking like this other than my own anxiety, but some syndromes don't depend merely on genes.

Norajane, I am actually from South-eastern Europe. I agree that honesty and communication gos a long way in a marriage. I can't imagine it if hubby was dishonest about this.

J, you gotta admit that scheduling a pregnant woman for a month later is faaaaaar from professional. Thanks for your support anyway.

Arty, glad you have a GF. Good luck!

August 11, 2006

Just a note on how woman's vanity can affect her mind... When my husband dated his ex-wife, she got pregnant. He wasn't sure yet about marrying her so he told her he would support her decision (not marry her), but he would abort it if it were up to him.

She aborted it and never forgave him that... Now later, their relationship gets serious and he marries her. She uses protection and DOESN'T WANT A BABY during the 2-3 years they spent together.

They get divorced.. he meets me and she finds out from the SIL (who else? ) that he married a woman with two kids (me, that is). His ex-wife's comment: "Ah! He made me abort our child, and now married a woman with two kids!"

The thing is she obviously never really wanted a baby. When she got pregnant in the dating phase, she was around age 39 and it was more or less her last chance to have an offspring. He would have been a good father to the child anyway (thank god she didn't have it! ) and supported it financially. But obviously she didn't really want it.

During marriage, she was consuming not only alcohol on a daily basis, but also other stuff (hubby smokes, but nothing other than that). Is that a woman who wants a child? Yet her ego was crushed by the fact that he didn't beg her to have his baby.

August 11, 2006

Norajane, I am actually from South-eastern Europe.

Interesting...as am I...if you tell me you're a south Slav, I'll think we might even be related...I'm from Macedonia...

August 11, 2006

Interesting...as am I...if you tell me you're a south Slav, I'll think we might even be related...I'm from Macedonia...

No kidding! My father is Macedonian and I've spent the first 14 years of my life in Skopje!

Do you speak Macedonian? PM me when you get a chance.

Now check this: husband has a twin brother who is married to a woman also from SE Europe (Greece) and has exactly the same name as mine! Her son is the same age as my twins.

The only difference is that she is a bitch. (I only seem like one, but I'm not )

August 12, 2006

...I've spent the first 14 years of my life in Skopje!

How do you pronounce that? Is it like "scope-jee"?

August 12, 2006

How do you pronounce that? Is it like "scope-jee"?

The o is a flat o, not as round as in scope, but not short, like in hop. The j is soft - a y. And the e is a short e, like in bed...ye

August 12, 2006

the "o" is like in "law"

the "j" is like y"" in "yeah"

the "e" at the end is pronounced as "e" in "let"

August 12, 2006

RP, I wish I was better at knowing what to say at times like this and I'm sorry you've had to go through all this BS. Maybe this just wasn't the right time for you to have another baby. You're still young and who knows what might happen 2 or 3 years down the line? Things could be a whole lot different then and if you are meant to have another baby then it will happen. Well, that's something to think about for the future but in the meantime I'll be thinking of you and crossing my fingers that everything works out for the best. Hugs

August 14, 2006

Congrats....!!

Keep it. :) :) Im sure you guys will not regret it. Its a blessing:(

August 14, 2006

the "o" is like in "law"

the "j" is like y"" in "yeah"

the "e" at the end is pronounced as "e" in "let"

That doesn't help RP

August 14, 2006

'scawpyee'

August 16, 2006

This thread makes your husband look like a saint compared to your other thread RP.

August 17, 2006

Quote : "Maybe I'll be sad when I have to abort it, but right now I am fine."

I think the procedure itself and the consequence afterwards might be quite devastating .

I am not Pro Life but Pro Choice.

But putting aside the * choices * I wonder if this won't come back to haunt you. Something you cannot reverse once done. Something that could traumatize you . I would get pre counseling. Find out how it really affects a women emotionally.

Many facts are clear . He is 49. He wants no kids. He wants to fly. Is he being selfish in all of this ? I can't judge him but it would be easy to do so.

I strongly suggest taking to a therapist before you go under the surgery.

Also , you may feel an anger and a resentment that ends your marraige if this bottles up inside you with no closure...

August 17, 2006

RP, I wish I had known of this thread prior to your abortion. I feel a sadness for your loss.

Your quote...

I am keeping it. So help me God!

As Mary said, I am still afraid that there may be regret to deal with. Please seek out individual counselling. I believe God would have helped you.

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I AM PREGNANT (my thoughts about it)

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