I AM PREGNANT (my thoughts about it)

[johan]

Do I want the baby? Yes.

 

I am keeping it. So help me God!

 

Is this child unwanted?

[amaysngrace]

What's he going to tell his mother since she is thrilled? You should tell him he has to tell his mom, and he needs to be honest with her.

 

I would do this before you made an appointment.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this RP. It should be such a happy time, nothing at all like the way it really is.

[RecordProducer]

...yet he took the cigarette from my hand and said I shouldn't smoke until we decide what to do (I lit one cuz I decided to have an abortion). He asked for a few more days to think about it and make up his mind.

 

I have a feeling that he will say "yes." If he does, I'll tell you how I knew, but right now it doesn't matter. It's not so fun anyway, just a pattern I've noticed with him. I think he wants the child, but doesn't like the fact that he is cornered to make a decision fast. I'll give him about one more week to decide. This whole story reminds me of the cold-feet story from last year. Anyone remember it?

 

I thought he was a commercial air pilot for some major airline?

No, that's just his hobby. He is an engineer/businessman.

 

I dont know how old your husband is or how old you are but I understand his side.

 

He made it clear he didn't want any children ahead of time.

He made it clear that he wasn't sure and that it would depend on his wife's desire. He was making this clear for two years. In the last couple weeks, since I got off the pill, he suddenly said "not right now". Alas, too late. I was already preggo.

 

He is not sure he doesn't want the baby. He is 49 and has no kids of his own. He's never gone through the diaper period. I am 31 and have two 7-year old sons that he adores.

 

RP, I think you both need to calm down and give this afew days. Talk about it.

 

I do believe HE is being foolish and pigheaded here. And selfish. Marriage is about compromise and so far you've done alot of the bending...

This is not about right vs. wrong. It's about personal choices. He has a right to make them as much as I do. I don't feel like forcing him into a lifestyle that he will resent. It would ruin our whole family. I don't really need this child, I already got two. I just want one from him. But if he doesn't want it, I'll forget about it as if nothing happened. I am immune to abortion-related blues cuz I wasn't raised in the US.

 

I respect his choice no matter what. It's better to say "no" to what you don't want than say "yes" and then search for excuses to blame it on the other party how your choice was discarded. In PA the husband has to sigh for his wife's abortion too (check that BS!). If I decided to abort it, I wouldn't want him to refuse to sign, would I? So if he wants to abort it and I don't "sign" for it, what makes me a better person than a husband that wouldn't sign? We would call it violent, sexist, breaking human rights, etc. (Frankly, I think that law is a stone-age-slavery type of mentality and it only serves the scum-bags who want to set their wives up. I'll start a new thread about this.)

 

I try to stay politically correct and open minded. But I really have a hard time with people who have the financial capabilities and the family relationship, just deciding to have an abortion because one person wants to fly their plane or travel or whatever. So many people in this world would do ANYTHING to have a child...others just turn it away when they have one at the wrong time.

 

This makes me very sad.

Be free, we all want to be free. Free to make choices. And people have different needs and thus make different decisions and choices. I have to be open-minded and also not selfish. After all, I never really planned this together with him.

There are already too many unwanted kids in the world. No reason for one more.

It will definitely not be unwanted. We'll either both want it and have it or we will not have it. Once he makes up his mind it will be final. I know him.

 

What's he going to tell his mother since she is thrilled? You should tell him he has to tell his mom, and he needs to be honest with her.

I would do this before you made an appointment.

I'm sorry you're going through this RP. It should be such a happy time, nothing at all like the way it really is.

My husband got cold feet twice before he married me (today he told me "It was 6 million times, but you only know about two times!" ) That's him. He told me before that he always says "no" first... (just to spite you)

 

The MIL is really irrelevant here. She knows all the details about his hesitations. She has 4 grand-kids from two other sons. We agreed not to mention that we talked about it until he mentions it to her.

[Pyro]

Hey RP.

 

This is a tough one. I believe that he is being selfish. He said that he doesn't want any kids right now, well if he had no desire to have any, then he should have been more careful when you too were engaging in sex. He is at fault just as much as you, so he should take on his responsibilities, but at the same time he is obviously not 100% thrilled about this pregnancy, so do you really want to bring a child into this world to where the father is not even completely happy to have him/her come into this world?

[magda]

Hey, Magda! I've missed you and thought about you many times. I was wondering if you and your baby were OK. How are you?

Is this your first child? When did you give her birth?

 

You're sweet It's so nice to be missed! The baby and I are fine... She was born May 11th, perfcet. Yep, she is my first child. She's the cutest baby on the planet.

 

 

I'm sorry your husband is being like that... I would probably do the same as you. (Threaten abortion.) I hated being pregnant and the one thing that made it all so much more pleasant? The fact that the night "it" happened, my husband had insisted on not using protection and said, "if it's meant to be it's meant to be" and I went along with it, since it was our honeymoon and hell, why not. So later on, whenever something annoying and baby-related occured (like him having to pick me up some cookies at midnight) I got to say, "Hey, I guess it was just meant to be!" LOL. When we disagree about something, like who should change her, it is our joke to say, "You do it, you're the one who raped me."

 

It's much better if it's his idea/fault. I could not deal with the trials of raising a child if my husband secretly resented me for it, or thought of it as "my" child and something he is acquiescng "for me". I don't want him to act like a martyr or think its fine to run off on a weekend trip or stay out or moan about tending the baby because baby is "my thing". It would ruin the marriage and be utterly annoying. Then again, I would be super pissed and hurt if he didn't man up, which would also hurt the marriage. Either way: xoxoxo

[HeyYouGuys]

I try to stay politically correct and open minded. But I really have a hard time with people who have the financial capabilities and the family relationship, just deciding to have an abortion because one person wants to fly their plane or travel or whatever. So many people in this world would do ANYTHING to have a child...others just turn it away when they have one at the wrong time.

 

This makes me very sad.

 

 

It is sad when people choose to end a pregnancy but it is even SADDER when someone has a child they don't love and end up resenting.

 

Unfortunately, the myth about 'he'll love the baby once it's here' doesn't always pan out for women.

 

My BF is a therapist and spends a lot of time working with children who were neglected, abused, treated as inconveniences or whose parents were depressed. These are not just low-income children but the children of prominent lawyers, surgeons and ironically, psychiatrists!

 

Having a child because 'other people wish they could' is like telling someone to eat their beets because people are starving in China. You eating beets doesn't solve the starvation problem in another country, and having children doesn't solve other people's infertility issues.

 

RP has a very difficult choice on her hands. I'm sure her heart is breaking. Yet, her husband trusted her to let him in on the child-making decision and he feels betrayed, on some level.

 

I'm a woman and I sure wouldn't like it someone told me I was going to be a parent and had absolutely no say in the matter.

 

RP, you do what you think is best.

 

Your marriage is just as important as having a baby is.

[FredTravels]

This is not about right vs. wrong. It's about personal choices. He has a right to make them as much as I do. I don't feel like forcing him into a lifestyle that he will resent.--1 It would ruin our whole family. I don't really need this child, I already got two.--2 I just want one from him. But if he doesn't want it, I'll forget about it as if nothing happened. --3 I am immune to abortion-related blues cuz I wasn't raised in the US.

 

I respect his choice no matter what. --4 It's better to s....

 

1-- But it is fine for him to force you into a lifestyle you will resent?

 

2-- Perhaps one of the most selfish statements I have ever heard. Oh, well, we already have a ham for dinner, I will just toss this one you brought out in the trash.

 

3-- It is nice that someone can go through life with ZERO responsibilities. Both of you. It takes two to tango and he needs to own up to his responsibilities. And you need to own up to your own responsibilities as well. Hopefully, your mind will not change for the two that you currently have--they could be a challenge in their teens and perhaps interferre with your DH "lifestyle"--and the US has no program for orphans per se. It is called life on the streets. If I were your kids and I knew any of this, I might be a tad concerned. And the cute little smiley face is a nice touch!

 

4-- WTF? Did I miss the memo someplace that we were tossed back into the stone age? I will respect his opinion no matter what??? What happened to the "I will keep this baby no matter what so help me god"

 

Do you live near the ocean---seems the tides come in and recede a lot in your life!

[alphamale]

It will definitely not be unwanted. We'll either both want it and have it or we will not have it. Once he makes up his mind it will be final. I know him.

Do whatever you want RP...it is both yours decision and I will stand behind it.

[BeFree]

RP,

 

I should have kept my mouth shut! I just want you to be happy. It's not my place to share my opinion on such a personal subject. I hope things work out...the way you want them to.

 

I do agree with WWIU, you may resent him down the road if you have an abortion, but you have to do what's best for your life.

[quankanne]

my take on this: RP, he's afraid because it's an unknown situation to him. First pregnancy, and he's not the one carrying the baby. Thinks that things are going to change completely because of an infant. Feels that there is time to do this later without considering that a woman's eggs do not have the shelf-life of sperm.

 

my thought is to give him time to mull this over, and only give input when he asks for this. However, if you're serious about keeping this baby, assure him in a non-threatening manner that all will be well. That yes, life is going to change, but there's as great a chance for a baby enrichening y'alls lives as there is of it *ahem* 'ruining' it.

 

I remember several years after I got married, I went complaining to my mother about how my husband never seemed to want to commit to big projects or undertakings (in this particular case, purchasing a house). Wise woman that she was, told me that men do not like change because it forces them to relinquish control on what they know and pretty much jump into the unknown. That they put their effort into stalling, then when the change is made/done, act as if the whole thing was their idea. And she was right – it's the fear of the unknown that keeps them from doing different than what they've done all this time.

 

don't make any rash judgements based on what comes out of your husband's mouth, but give the both of you a chance to think things through. If it helps, do the list of 'pro' and 'con' about seeing the pregnancy come full term – it might just open his eyes to certain realities (like he's not getting any younger or that the window to grow his child becomes smaller each year that passes) that helps him more fully consider what this pregnancy really is about.

 

best of luck to you, RP ...

[RecordProducer]

Magda, Alpha, Tony, BeFree, and Quankanne... thank you for your wise/comforting input. I don't feel terrible at all. My mom told me that no matter what we decide, it will be good; that each option has its good and bad sides for me. I am scared too. This morning I woke up and thought: "OMG, what did I do? I am going to imprison myself. Please God make him say "no"!" Then I calm myself down and persuade myself that it's good to have a baby, that I will love it like I love my sons and whatever...

 

My whole dilemma goes about NOT having a child that is NOT 100% wanted. I am obviously not selfish and want to include my husband more than 50% in making this decision. He also respects my desire and admits that he will fall in love with the child once it's born and will never regret it. He is not the type of person that would neglect his own baby. For god's sake, he loves my sons who are not even his flesh and blood!

 

So please let's not discuss things that haven't been raised, because it steers the subject to wards a different direction. I came here to express my thoughts and make up my mind believing that he would let me decide.

In any case if he says "no", I'll abort it. If he says "yes" I will keep it. As simple as that. Or at least that's how I feel today.

 

It not a kid yet. It is like 3mm and has gills and a tail. I doubt it could use a computer anyways.

This made me laugh so hard! :lmao: Thanx, Alpha.

 

Tony, thanks for the supportive thoughts. You're right about the "too much information" that comes from others, not me. I think what matters to a child is that it's loved and has a peaceful childhood.

 

Fred, I didn't even understand the BS you wrote. Sorry.

 

I am pretty sure he wants this baby more than I do. Mark my words!

 

We'll know in about a week from now.

[hotgurl]

Rp,

I have a question why did you stop taking BC anyways?

[amaysngrace]

Many couples want babies and can't have them but they are ones who are planning for one. An unexpected pregnancy is not something to just live with. If every baby conceived was delivered and raised by their biological parents, abortion and adoption would not exist.

 

If people accidentally find themselves in this situation, they have to look at it from all sides, if they don't seem overjoyed by the news. They'll weigh it out. And ultimately they will come up with the decision that best suits all involved.

 

Including the fetus.

 

RP you seem bright. Trust yourself to make the best decision FOR YOU.

[RecordProducer]

Rp,

I have a question why did you stop taking BC anyways?

That's a good question. I wanted to stay pregnant. Before he told me that sometimes he wants one, sometimes not because of his age, but if his wife wants one, he would gladly have it.

 

I told my husband a couple months ago that I wanted a child from him. He said "If we're having a baby, it should be NOW, cuz I'm 49 years old."

 

So what happens next... in June, I forget to take the pill the first two days and realize there's no point in taking it plus I want a child so I tell him I'm not on the pill. We didn't have much sex in that month for medical reasons so it wasn't relevant. The next month, he asks me if I'm on the pill. I say NO. He says I should use some protection, not necessarily the pill. I tell him I want a baby. He says "If you really want one, we'll have it, but not right now... I think it's sexy that you want a baby..." He gets all horny and makes love with me, cums in me and falls asleep without taking it out. Looks to me like he wants me to get pregnant. That's exactly the day when I got pregnant. A few days later I know my ovulation had passed. Then he tells me again that he doesn't want a child TODAY. Too late.

 

He asked me if this was an accident. I told him how it was and said I feel that it's my "fault" and I'm willing to correct the "mistake" if he sees it that way. He says that we didn't sit down and decide together to have a baby. That's true. But he would never make up his mind... cuz his airplane is more important to him.

 

Last night he read a long, boring post to me about how some pilot flew to various places with his family. (He reads and posts on a pilots' forum, like LS, but for pilots only). He said: "You love to travel and see places and I love to fly there. This is what I had in mind for the future."

 

Then I tell him that he doesn't want a baby because of his flying and he says "What's flying have to do with the baby?"

 

Is he stupid or what?

 

Honestly, i do love to travel and see new places, it's one of my greatest passions... but I am tired of flying in small airplanes for as 3 times as longer than in a commercial ones. I am tired of the bumpy rides when it's windy that make me sick, and I am especially tired of the noise that's not only annoying but also terrible for my musician's ears and my children's young ears.

 

I can compromise in a few ways for a few reasons: out of love for him, because we get to travel, and if he leaves me alone sometimes. I can't believe I wanted to get his friend/employee/co-pilot out of the picture a couple months ago!

 

No, the thing is, I do want to go places. But since his airplane is not yet here, we haven't gone on a vacation. Nothing makes sense to him if he's not flying. Commercial airplanes don't exists.

[alphamale]

They'll weigh it out. And ultimately they will come up with the decision that best suits all involved.

In an ideal world this may be possible but in the real world sometimes people make the wrong decision for whatever reason(s)...

[hotgurl]

RP It sounds like you wanted to get pregnant let him know and at first he said sure but then changed his mind but then knew you weren't on the pill and wanting a baby and slept with you without protection.

 

I think you should do whats in your own heart because your hubby seems to not be able to make up his mind.

 

Would you resent him if you aborted? Would you resent him if you two never had kids together. Would he get it snipped if he really doesn't want kids?

 

a side note I love how most guys totally think the BC is a woman's thing. He could have used a condom if he really didn't want you to get pregnant.

[quankanne]

Would you resent him if you aborted? Would you resent him if you two never had kids together. Would he get it snipped if he really doesn't want kids?

 

that's also my main concern – if you do go through with an abortion now, and he backtracks after the fact, how is this going to affect y'alls relationship? Especially since you were initially open to seeing this pregnancy through? I think the fallout would be much harder to handle than if you had a baby even if he was unsure ... there's no easy answer in a situation like this, because somewhere, someone is going to be hurt by the end result.

[alphamale]

... there's no easy answer in a situation like this, because somewhere, someone is going to be hurt by the end result.

I think one must also take into account that there are already two 7 year olds running aroung the house.

[amaysngrace]

In an ideal world this may be possible but in the real world sometimes people make the wrong decision for whatever reason(s)...

 

The idealists will think it will all work out in the end without seeing it clearly while the realists face it, make a choice and live with it.

 

Or...vice versa

[RecordProducer]

I think you should do whats in your own heart because your hubby seems to not be able to make up his mind.

Either that or he will decide to want it, because obviously "I don't want the baby" is not the case on his part.

 

He told me "I lost track of your period, it was your 12th day, that's not good." He could have asked me! Hello! We talk about pregnancy in bed, naked, he cums inside me 30 min later (assumming that it was my 28th day?), then says he didn't know as if I tricked him into it.

 

Would you resent him if you aborted? Would you resent him if you two never had kids together. Would he get it snipped if he really doesn't want kids?

 

that's also my main concern – if you do go through with an abortion now, and he backtracks after the fact, how is this going to affect y'alls relationship?

Ya know, I think I will never take him seriously if he makes me and lets me abort this baby. Because he's very tied to his family, especially his brother and I will see that as a personal rejection - he doesn't want to have any close ties with me. I am not his family, his twin brother is the one he loves most. In that case, I will turn to my own life and eventually we'll grow apart. But who knows?

 

Yesterday he called me: "A beautiful wife I can travel with." I can find 1000 other men who will find me a beautiful lady to travel with.

 

The idealists will think it will all work out in the end without seeing it clearly while the realists face it, make a choice and live with it

 

We want to see what's in the future in order to make our decisions. But the reality is: we make ourt futre every time we make a decision.

 

I think one must also take into account that there are already two 7 year olds running aroung the house.

Running?! Breaking and yelling and running! JK, they're fine.

[Alexandra]

RP, I've said stuff you didn't like before and in the interest of being honest I will again...

 

I read through all 4 pages and my gut feeling is "Gawd let him prove to have just been indecisive again and change his mind in a few days!" because I really feel you DO want this baby and that you WILL resent him/the situation if it never happens. Mind you, this is not anti-abortion talk for the same cultural reasons it is not with you. This is strictly about you.

 

IMO you're analytical enough to turn this on all sides, to think about it loads, to wonder what's wrong with your marriage if it never happens. I also think you're having an idealized version of love that DOES include the notion of a baby "making that love bond between two people whole", hence more reason to resent it never materializing.

 

Moreso, feel free to get -even more- upset with me, but I think the "neah didn't want it myself anyways" won't help as it sounds very much like a story you're trying to sell to yourself.

 

There's also the communication factor... if you feel any of these on a deeper level and you don't admit them to yourself, you can't communicate them to him and if you don't, abortion or no abortion it will still be a breach in the bond you're working so hard to create and maintain.

 

I could be wrong -hence all the "IMO"s and "gut feeling"s and "if"s- but if there's ANY chance that I'm right, PLEASE think this through for yourself and tell him how you really feel.

 

My heart goes out to you, not long enough and you're in a personal crisis again... I DO wish you all the possible best and keep my fingers crossed.

[HokeyReligions]

RP, I don't want to make things harder for you - you have enough to think about, but I do want to say these two things, and preface it by reminding those who don't know me that my opinion does not stem from a religious one as I am agnostic.

 

First, when I was pregnant my husband DEVOUTLY did not want to be a father. Our pregnancy was not planned and we had been using birth control - but it happened anyway. He was so stressed about it and kept asking me - daily - if I was sure I wouldn't have an abortion. He was pushing for that. It made my life a bit of hell, but I just couldn't do it. I even made plans on how I would be a single parent because I thought it would likely destroy the marriage.

 

After our daughter was born he was angry and didn't want to love her - he was making himself distant from her emotionally, but he couldn't keep that up indefinatly because she loved him even though he didn't want her to. She was a happy baby in spite of her fathers misgivings. When I got pregnant the second time (again unplanned) he was already in a pattern of acting resentful with me, but not with her. He didn't really resent her - but he was acting that way. When our son was born he changed and absolutly bonded with him and by doing that he let up on himself with our daughter and bonded with her more.

 

He grew to love them both dearly and when our daughter got sick and when she died he fell apart. He finally admitted that he'd been acting all those years and didn't even realize it. He loved her so much and finally admitted it. When our son died - he cried like I'd never seen him cry and he admitted it wasn't just for him - but because he was a tie to our daughter as well and his biggest resentment was of himself for the way he made himself behave before. He berated himself (literally hit himself in the head with his fist during his darkest grief periods) because he stupidly and childishly pushed his love for them away - he didn't want to feel love for them and he was in a kind of denial of that love. (some of that stems from his own childhood abuses)

 

Secondly - we went to see a museum exhibit called Body Worlds 3, where people have donated their bodies to this science exhibit and one was of a 3 month old ‘fetus’. We looked at that for a long time and all we could say was “scratch out that word Fetus – it’s obviously a BABY” My husband, at that point, said he was against abortion. None of those horrible anti-abortion posters made an impact on him – but that one perfectly preserved baby that died in the womb and was donated (I can’t imagine the emotions behind that baby’s mother to do that) convinced him. Photographs and models didn’t make the impact of that one “museum exhibit”.

 

You have the legal choice to have an abortion – but please do not be hasty in your decision. Having a baby does not have to be an either/or choice with other things in life that you want – like flying, and traveling, etc. You have a good family support system around you that will help. I know you said that if you have this baby you don’t want the grandparents to raise him or her – but they will be there when you do decide to take a vacation – let them do this for you. Your children will be fine and it might be good for you to let go a little as well.

[BeFree]

RP, I don't want to make things harder for you - you have enough to think about, but I do want to say these two things, and preface it by reminding those who don't know me that my opinion does not stem from a religious one as I am agnostic.

 

First, when I was pregnant my husband DEVOUTLY did not want to be a father. Our pregnancy was not planned and we had been using birth control - but it happened anyway. He was so stressed about it and kept asking me - daily - if I was sure I wouldn't have an abortion. He was pushing for that. It made my life a bit of hell, but I just couldn't do it. I even made plans on how I would be a single parent because I thought it would likely destroy the marriage.

 

After our daughter was born he was angry and didn't want to love her - he was making himself distant from her emotionally, but he couldn't keep that up indefinatly because she loved him even though he didn't want her to. She was a happy baby in spite of her fathers misgivings. When I got pregnant the second time (again unplanned) he was already in a pattern of acting resentful with me, but not with her. He didn't really resent her - but he was acting that way. When our son was born he changed and absolutly bonded with him and by doing that he let up on himself with our daughter and bonded with her more.

 

He grew to love them both dearly and when our daughter got sick and when she died he fell apart. He finally admitted that he'd been acting all those years and didn't even realize it. He loved her so much and finally admitted it. When our son died - he cried like I'd never seen him cry and he admitted it wasn't just for him - but because he was a tie to our daughter as well and his biggest resentment was of himself for the way he made himself behave before. He berated himself (literally hit himself in the head with his fist during his darkest grief periods) because he stupidly and childishly pushed his love for them away - he didn't want to feel love for them and he was in a kind of denial of that love. (some of that stems from his own childhood abuses)

 

Secondly - we went to see a museum exhibit called Body Worlds 3, where people have donated their bodies to this science exhibit and one was of a 3 month old ‘fetus’. We looked at that for a long time and all we could say was “scratch out that word Fetus – it’s obviously a BABY” My husband, at that point, said he was against abortion. None of those horrible anti-abortion posters made an impact on him – but that one perfectly preserved baby that died in the womb and was donated (I can’t imagine the emotions behind that baby’s mother to do that) convinced him. Photographs and models didn’t make the impact of that one “museum exhibit”.

 

You have the legal choice to have an abortion – but please do not be hasty in your decision. Having a baby does not have to be an either/or choice with other things in life that you want – like flying, and traveling, etc. You have a good family support system around you that will help. I know you said that if you have this baby you don’t want the grandparents to raise him or her – but they will be there when you do decide to take a vacation – let them do this for you. Your children will be fine and it might be good for you to let go a little as well.

 

Hokey,

 

That is beautiful..brought tears to my eyes.

[norajane]

Well, jeez, people, stop putting so much pressure on her and making her feel bad about all of this! I just read through this whole thread - I'm sure she feels enough stress without all the testimonials and what she will or won't feel if she has the baby or doesn't have it, and who should make the decision or whether she should or shouldn't respect her husband's wishes. RP doesn't owe us anything, not even an explanation of anything - nor did she ask for opinions.

 

If she came here to write out her feelings and vent, let her do so without moralizing and predicting what the future should hold for her and her family.

 

RP, my only suggestion is to work on that communication with your hubby. Tell him how you feel about this baby; tell him if you change your mind every few days and what your fears and hopes are. Also, be honest with him about how you feel about flying, and how this baby will change his dreams of flying as a family. It sounds like he's operating under his own ideas right now without getting a real view into your thoughts and expectations.

 

I wish the best and offer full support for whatever you choose, and however you choose to live your lives.

[Outcast]

Have the kid. At most, you won't be able to travel for a couple years 'till the new kid can wear the earphones. In the meantime, you can use the baby as an excuse to not travel, which you hate anyway. Two years FLY by - it'll be gone before either of you knows it. Then husband can teach the kid to fly when she's 10 and she can get into the Guinness Book or something.