Guest Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Hi, I was hoping someone out there could shed light on this matter for me. Please bear with me here. I have just broken up with a guy called J I was seeing on and off for a year. When we first met he wanted to be with me, he was crazy about me- but I turned him down because I didn't want a new relationship as I was still hung up on an ex who I ended up getting back with for a while. I didn't lead him on intentionally and was honest about this situation with him and with my ex all along. I really hurt J badly, but we stayed friends. Then a while after I split with the ex for good and started seeing him, but because I'd hurt him before and because of previous relationships that had hurt him he just didn't want a 'proper' relationship. I fell for him bigtime, but then I found out he had cheated on me more than once because he couldn't commit to me, I guess. I got my heart broken more than once- he hurt me really badly, so I ended it. Then he begged and pleaded for me to take him back, he said losing me had made him realise he DID want to commit to me and I took him back- even though I've never trusted him completely again and I can't stop thinking of how he betrayed me. But now he's decided he's 'not sure' if he wants a girlfriend after all and wants some space to think. But it's been a few days now and I've decided to finish it whatever he decides- he says he likes me a lot and doesn't know what's wrong with him, but it's pretty clear his heart's not in a relationship 100%. I know I deserve better and I realised that even if he DID commit to a proper relationship, after all we've been through I would never trust him 100% or be happy 100% so there's no point. I'm sad and confused and I have times when I get very upset- but I know it's over for the right reasons and it's for the best. I'm also angry with him for trying so hard to get me back, then deciding he propbably doesn't want to be with me after all. Can anyone explain that?! Here is what I just can't understand: In his previous relationships he's moved on and got with another girl in a matter of weeks. I just know I'm going to have to deal with this too, and it will take me far longer to heal than this. I don't know how I'm going to cope seeing him with someone else- even though I know it's over, it will still hurt like hell. How do guys move on so fast? It's like they just don't care. Do they just stop caring? Do they just stop thinking about their ex, just like that? I wish it was just as easy for me. But I work with this guy too- I have no idea what to say to him so I end up saying nothing and we're just sort of avoiding each other. We'll say 'hello' but nothing more. It feels rubbish. Why can't people commit, even if they really care for the person? I can't help thinking there is something wrong with ME for him not caring enough to want to be with me properly. That there must be something wrong with ME for him to have cheated on me. And if he moves on quickly like he has done before- it will make me feel even more worthless, like I am so easy to get over. Please help! Can anyone offer some comfort? Thanks for reading my ramblings.
Guest Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 i think it's never too late to turn a new leaf. this guy has affected your confidence badly by cheating on you and then dragging you along while he thinks whether he is ready to commit. do not blame yourself about the way he is or the way he behaves. at the very beggining he was pursuing you when you were still going our with your ex as he likes the chase.. he likes to get what he fancies, a girl he wants and he likes to chase it.. then when you got together he cheated on you and you forgave him thinking he did it because you were unfair by going out with your ex.. i think you blame yourself too much and unnecessary.. you are not too blame... this guy you are suffering about is described like someone who goes through girlfriends like they are not people and i am sorry to say he sounds like an utter and complete prick and he is not deserving of your love! you better get over him asap because i think you fell for a wrong person. i had a similar experience in the past and that guy made me feel worthless, unloved and undeserving of love, as he was quick to break up with me, cheat on me and then he wanted me back by calling me and crying on the phone. however this was years ago. i forced myself (it was soo damn hard emotionally) to forget him and move on with my life. i did well in my job and a 1.5yrs after break up, i met a love of my life who i am still with and we will marry soon.. maybe it would be good you do not see him any more, or even if you could work in a different place to remove yourself from him giving you more harm (emotionally).. good luck but remember once a cheater always a cheater.. trust me you deserve better, a real good guy because you are worth it. do not let him or any man ruin your confidence or self worth .. get away while you still can and you will meet your happiness
Miss1984 Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 Hi again. By the way, I started this thread and have since registered my name with this site. Thanks so much for your advice. Your story gives me hope. I know it's possible to get over someone and come out the other side, as I have done it once before with the ex I mentioned. God, it was hell getting over him. We had the longest break up, and in the end only drew a line under it once and for all when I moved back home after uni so we were too far away and resolved to the fact that if it didn't work when we were living in the same city then it never would long distance. Here is another thing that troubles me. What helped me to move on after that relationship ended (bearing in mind that it took about 13 months to finally call it quits and let go) was that there had been so much time to try and fail to make it work and so much time to think it over- when it actually ended I knew it was the only decision and there was nothing to do but get on with it. Once I accepted this, I started seeing J and it was his initially persuing of me and making me feel good about myself that renewed my faith in relationships. I figured that it was pointless holding onto something that was over and letting it upset me, when here was a guy who I liked spending time with and who genuinely seemed to care for me. Ironically, that wasn't the case, and he's kind of shattered my faith in men and relationships again. Anyway, my rambling point is, that is was meeting someone else that made me happy again, and I don't want that to be the case this time. I don't want to 'need' to be in a relationshop, and trip from one disaster to another. I want to find happiness in myself and not rely onothers, because when they're gone they take that happiness with you. Please tell me I will find this! However, I know that this situation is totally different. I loved my ex- he was my first love, whereas J would only ever admit to 'seeing each other' and not that he was my boyfriend, even though, in effect he was. That's why I feel so stupid. I read other people's posts, and they are heartbroken after long relationships- and here's me, screwed over by a guy who I went out with for a year, messed me around and was never officially a 'boyfriend'. I can't even call him an 'ex'. This is why it's so stupid, but it feels just the same as a relationship ending. But my heart is not broken this time. J broke it before, when I was crazy about him, after he cheated on me the trust was gone and I never allowed myself to fall for him again. It's like those amazing feeling evaporated with his betrayal. so I know I'm not losing anything here, he's not the love of my life. It still feels cr*p, though and I still wonder what it is that makes him not want me the way I wanted him to wantme. Then I think 'why should I want someone to want me if all he did was hurt me and treat me badly?!' It's like having a war in my own head. I hate my job with a passion too, which doesn't help. I hate the fact I went to uni for three years, and have ended up back home doing a job I hate for over a year now and feel suffocated and trapped. BUT I'm trying to be positive. I'm going on holiday on Sunday, and to the States in October for three weeks. Both these trips were booked before all this but it gives me something to look forward to. I always planned to leave my job when I go to the US so I have only six weeks left of seeing him everyday- I need the money so I can't avoid work. Then when I get back I'll look for a better paid job that I actually enjoy, and I'm planning to move to Londo with my friend by January- which we've been considering for a while and now actually looks like it might be happening. I'm also booking driving lessons for when I get back from my first holiday, and am starting a saving fund for lessons and a car. I can see that I have low self esteem, or I wouldn't have allowed J to treat me so badly for so long. I'm hoping I can change it round and in a few months look back and not care. I still feel sad, remembering how it used to be, and how I thought it would turn out and how it ended up in him taking me for a fool and leaving me looking like an idiot. I just wish I could shake the feeling that somehow there is somethig wrong with me, particularly when I see J with his next girlfriend- who will probably be thinner and prettier than me. ... I wish I could just forget and not care!!!
Returning Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 ... I wish I could just forget and not care!!! If you're an intelligent empathetic person this may be difficult, however you can occupy yourself with other things and not think about it so often. It sounds as though you would like to do some self realization and establish your self confidence, this is a good thing. An economically priced self help book I have got something from is "Total Self-Confidence" by Dr Robert Anthony ISBN: 0-425-10170-3. It will all come together for you, physical excersise is a helpful thing to build into your weekly routine. Best Wishes R
Guest Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 good luck to you, you are doing all the right things.. it is a cruciual time for you as you are embracing changes.. all these experineces with ex boyfriends and job changes will only make you stronger. this is all part of character building do not think you are having it so bad, other people have it a lot worse.. most of this is all in your head, as you keep thinking about past ( i mean men) and how you have no luck with men.. get rid of these throughts as it will only hold you back.. put past where it belongs, behind you.. you thought that J was the right one to cure your broken heart from the first love.. but you seem very young.. real love will come but you do not know when.. it may happen sooner or later.. learn to enjoy life and find happiness in other things, not just men.. i know its hard.. it seems you are ambitious and you expect a lot from life, yourself and from men.. your expectations about J were higher than what he was.. not everyone can live up to your dreams.. but there is only one persom who Can try living up to your dreams -- IT IS YOU.. SO TRY YOUR BEST to make yourself happier with job changes, change of attitude towards life and towards J, with more optimism.. and trust me good things will start rolling.. positive energy attracts positive energy .. good luck!! Good things come to those who wait!!
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