Ridiculous shrew?

[Tragic]

Hi...I need advice for all of the problems that are kicking around my head.

I dont know if I will get a response to my specific question, as it is somewhat limiting.

I want you guys to help me solve an argument, between myself and my BF of 2 years whom I am living with.

 

He is spanish, I am american. Naturally there are cultural differences at play here, but my problem seems to be exactly where the lines are blurred as far as respect is concerned.

 

What I am really seeking is an opinion from those of you who are spanish, or have been brought up in a spanish household, particularly the women, but of course I want everyones opinion as well.

 

My BF watches these programs on TV, that I initially despised, but after a while I became indifferent. I find these shows to be degrading to women, extremely objectifying, and over the top overtly sexual. Every program he watches, aside from the news,seems to be geared towards sex, sexiness, sexual encounters, sexual context. The women are usually dressed in bras and underwear, and in short, behave like airheaded bimbos that men are supposed to drool over.

 

I can understand that spanish culture is extremely sensual, sexually provocative, and so on, but it is extremely degrading at times as well.

 

My main issue is with one program. This program is extremely risque, goes above and beyond tacky. The program features "strippers" that sit there, with pasties on their boobs (those little stick on stickers that cover the nipples) and these tiny little lacy thongs that just barely cover their err...womanhood, and obviously leaves their butts bare, the thong part being sucked into the crack and everything. They dance provocatively around like strippers, rubbing themselves and each other. Every 2 minutes is a cut to them bending over, jiggling their boobs (by laughing in a way to make them bounce and bob) or some other action completely sexual in nature, getting up and flouncing about.

 

The main host is a man who obviously encourages this behaviour. The whole show is centered around sex. Sex with men, with women, with men and women, sex toys, complete with blow by blow (ha ha ha) commentary and demonstrations,porn, massages,hookers, fetishes,basically anything sexual in nature. The topics for disscussion vary but the main theme is obviously sex.

 

I specifically have a problem with the "how-to manuals" on cheating, adultry, how to get away with it, listing what websites to go to for sex, how to cover it up, what to do if your caught, basically encouraging people to gorge themselves in any possible sexual thing they can do and how to cover their tracks while doing it.

 

He thinks I am acting like a jealous,ridiculous old shrew when I ask him to turn it off, but to be honest, there is only so much of that sickening behaviour I can stomach. I get no thrill out of seeing women scantily clad and acting like bimbos. I told him as much. Thing is, their programs are not even balanced or fair. There is no equivelent for women, ie shows featuring scantily clad men. If they do happen to show one, it is few and far between and usually it is to make light of it as in homosexually speaking.

 

Do you think I am asking too much to be spared a moments peace from these tacky programs? Am I right to throw issue with the programs that center around cheating and covering tracks? Is it really because I am a jealous ridiculous old shrew, or because I am american or because even if I was a spanish woman, it would not be tolerated? (Hence the reason I was asking advice from a spanish woman)

[norajane]

I'm not Spanish, so can't help you there. However, if you want some peace, I'd suggest leaving the room or the house whenever he watches these shows. If he finds himself alone all the time, maybe he'll start to get it how they bother you.

 

If he can't respect your feelings, are you sure that you're a good match? This isn't just going to go away...

[Tragic]

Okay, your not spanish, but surely you must have an opinion on it, right? Do you think that it is kind of disrespectful? Or is it normal?

 

If I left the room every time those programs were on, I would never be home! We rent a room out of a house, so I basically feel suffocated with little choice but to bear with it. It doesnt phase him if I walk away, tried that tactic before, but he has a strong stubborn streak and he just cant stand to lose.

 

He was blisteringly mad that I was furious about that one program, and I actually felt really uncomfortable trying to restrict it, I dont want to be the harping petty GF, but geez, its too much to bear sometimes.

[burning 4 revenge]

Tragic, I'm Cuban-American and when I'd visit my grandparents they would always have Univision, or Telemundo on. They would have many programs with women dressed provacatively, but nothing on the level you are describing. I think most of them were no worse than Benny Hill.

 

Is this a porno channel he's watching? What channel is this?

[Asafan]

I'm not spanish but from what I have read, I don't think you are being a shrew. I think he just doesn't care what you think. As a man I find that kind of stuff ridiculous to begin with and there is only so much I can take, and this:

 

I specifically have a problem with the "how-to manuals" on cheating, adultry, how to get away with it, listing what websites to go to for sex, how to cover it up, what to do if your caught, basically encouraging people to gorge themselves in any possible sexual thing they can do and how to cover their tracks while doing it.

 

IMO is just ridiculous in the extreme. If my wife were watching a similar show geared toward women, I would be extremely pissed off and tell her so in no uncertain terms that it is NOT acceptable.

[Tragic]

He is Cuban too.

 

Its not so much the daytime shows as it is the nitetime (after hours) shows.

They get pretty raunchy....

[burning 4 revenge]

Do you live in the Miami area, or do you get special latino-sattelite with many Spanish channels?

 

Like I said, I haven't seen shows like that on the main Spanish networks, but I've visited my cousins in Miami and have been shocked at some of the programs they allow on standard cable channels. Shocked and delighted.

 

Latin culture is very sexual. It's just the way it is. There are exceptions, though. My mother worships the Virgin Mary and would certainly be offended by that sort of content.

[Tragic]

Yes, I live in Miami, much to my dismay.

 

I understand the sexual culture, but it borders on obscene and tacky at times, and often, I find myself turning red with embarrassment and squirming uncomfortably.

 

I am not a prude, but damn, take a little pride and show a little class--the world is not going to cave in if for one day you actually showed an intelligent side--I feel like I cannot hold a stimulating conversation with any of the women in this culture, it immediately veers towards the mundane and droll, and turns into a constant competition for the menfolks attention, bending, squatting, thrusting, geez, get ahold of your body parts, woman! Its exhausting just watching it!

[burning 4 revenge]

Yes, I live in Miami, much to my dismay.

 

I understand the sexual culture, but it borders on obscene and tacky at times, and often, I find myself turning red with embarrassment and squirming uncomfortably.

 

I am not a prude, but damn, take a little pride and show a little class--the world is not going to cave in if for one day you actually showed an intelligent side--I feel like I cannot hold a stimulating conversation with any of the women in this culture, it immediately veers towards the mundane and droll, and turns into a constant competition for the menfolks attention, bending, squatting, thrusting, geez, get ahold of your body parts, woman! Its exhausting just watching it!

Oh, Tragic, I'm jealous, I just love Miami. I drive down there once a month just to soak it in.

 

I know what programs you're talking about now. I've seen them and you're right, they're insane. I kind of like them, though, for about ten-fifteen minutes, then I get bored. It's the same with internet porno.

 

If you want to talk about something other than sex with a Cuban woman, talk about cooking. The love talking about cooking. Also children seems like a pretty hot topic . And you can talk about politics, but BEWARE!!! You better be a Republican and spit on the on the ground anytime anybody mentions a Kennedy.

[Tragic]

I think I am a bit controversial, I dislike Bush. Actually, I dislike the whole government. More often than not, I am regarded as a special needs child, spoken to verrrrry slowly as if I dont understand, or upon entering a room, there is this hushed, constrained silence that seems to permeate through everything until I leave the room again. I dont think I am well liked, but then, its not something I lose sleep over. When someone introduces me, they tell them I am my BF's wife, who is an american, as if it is not apparent. They are quick to note that I cant speak spanish, and dont bother trying to talk to me because I cant understand.

 

I give them my best "foreign girl lost and forlorn" look while I smile secretly. The truth is, I can speak, read and write spanish. Needless to say, things get pretty interesting after that little fact has been revealed.

[burning 4 revenge]

Tragic, you're better off than me, I can't write in Spanish and my speaking abilities are elementary at best. My father is American, so I know all about inter-cultural relations in the Cuban-American community.

 

I get that look from my relatives sometimes, that I'm the gringo, but my American relatives always think of me as a little bit ethnic.

 

If you get to know a lot of the Cubans, I think you'll find that most of them don't care for that kind of progamming. Many Cubans over here are well educated professionals who don't have time for that crap. There's a lot of upward mobiltiy in the C/A community.

[Tragic]

Many Cubans over here are well educated professionals who don't have time for that crap

 

I must be hanging out in all the wrong parts. Does not apply whatsoever.

 

Another annoying habit of theirs is anything that idiosyncratic of me, they try to flush out by applying a blanket statement such as "the americans are that way".....anything to crush what is unique in me.

[britchick]

I'm not Spanish but lived in Spain for many years as did my SO. TV in Spain can be pretty shocking, especially on a Friday night. I always found that Spanish women disliked this sort of thing as much as you do and witnessed flaming rows between wives and husbands. It doesn't really matter what culture he is from, if you are really unhappy with seeing these shows, he shouldn't watch them when you are around. If he's like this about TV, what will he be like when other issues come up? What are his attitudes about infidelity? He's not showing you any respect.

[Outcast]

So this guy has sufficient good qualities to outweigh this behaviour? You write rather well - in a way that bespeaks intelligence. Are you two really a good match?

[Adunaphel]

Here in Italy programmes like the one you described are the exception, not the rule - you might get one once in a while and usually late in the evening/night, but many tv shows are still tacky.

Many women do not mind, a few others (including myself, some girls I know and some relatives of mine) do.

I get the feeling that a guy who watches that stuff is hardly ever considered to be lacking of respect to his partner.

[grateful]

 

He is spanish, I am american. Naturally there are cultural differences at play here, but my problem seems to be exactly where the lines are blurred as far as respect is concerned.

 

He is Cuban too.

 

 

I think you might have a bigger problem than what TV shows your BF watches - your cultural insensitivity.

 

Is he Spanish (born in Spain) or Cuban (born in Cuba) or Cuban-American (born in the US of Cuban descent and Spanish speaking)? If it's the last the fact that you distinguish yourself from him as "American" is pretty troubling as it implies Cuban-Americans are not also Americans.

 

Is he both Spanish and Cuban and if so which of his family members do you have problems with - his Spanish or Cuban or Cuban American family members?

 

No matter what his background, the fact that you believe all women from this group act like this makes you quite a stereotyper:

 

I feel like I cannot hold a stimulating conversation with any of the women in this culture, it immediately veers towards the mundane and droll, and turns into a constant competition for the menfolks attention, bending, squatting, thrusting, geez, get ahold of your body parts, woman! Its exhausting just watching it!

 

Yeah, maybe his relatives are like this but not everyone from "this culture" spends all their time squatting and thrusting.

 

I agree that you have "cultural differences" but I think you might have to make more of an effort to respect his culture, be it Spanish or Cuban or Cuban-American, before you'll be able to work these issues out.

[burning 4 revenge]

I must be hanging out in all the wrong parts. Does not apply whatsoever.

 

Another annoying habit of theirs is anything that idiosyncratic of me, they try to flush out by applying a blanket statement such as "the americans are that way".....anything to crush what is unique in me.

Grateful, I was a little troubled by these last statements and that's why I stopped replying to the posts. There's no way someone can live in Miami, an area with almost one million Cubans and Cuban-Americans and just make those kind of generalizations. Just as in any culture, there is a diversity of people within the culture, and every single person is unique.

 

It's ironic that she is making the same kind of generalizations she accuses her bf's family of making about her.

[drownindreams]

Culture is a hard thing to break from. If someone is raised in an environment where women are highly sexualized, it's not hard to see how watching these TV shows can be acceptable. I mean, look at the media in general... we have become accustomed to highly graphic images (sex, nudity, violence, drug use) in the news, on TV, in movies and magazines.

 

First of all, you need to make it clear that these shows deeply trouble you. Try explaining how you feel personally, and try to avoid condemning the TV programs themselves. Ask him how you worry about how he views you as a woman, when he sees these sexualized images all the time.

 

I don't think he necessarily has to stop watching these shows--after all, sex is literally EVERYWHERE these days--but do insist that he doesn't watch them around you. You're right, they're offensive and you shouldn't have to be exposed to them. He's a man with a common "problem," but if he can't respect you enough to adapt his viewing habits around you I would seriously reconsider your relationship.

[Tragic]

I believe, in your mad scramble to immediately cast blame upon me, you overlooked something. Or, perhaps it was I who was the culprit for not being as clear as the situation called for...

 

He is Cuban, from Cuba. He has been in America for 5 years. At this point, he is Cuban-American, I was using his heritage as a reference point, incase any of you here might be able to identify with this particular culture. If it was really a problem for me, I wouldnt be involved in an ongoing relationship of 2 years with the man.

 

 

Burning, how exactly was I making generalizations? For being honest and observant? I think not. You mentioned "well educated professionals". He nor his family are "well educated" nor are they "professionals". Did you want me to lie and say that they are, because it "doesnt sound nice"? Sorry, I am not going to sugarcoat the situation so everyone here doesnt think I am being "culturally insensitive".

 

When I said "Another annoying habit of theirs...." I was speaking specifically about him and his family. Not the whole Cuban culture. Again, just being honest and observant.

 

originally posted by: grateful

I agree that you have "cultural differences" but I think you might have to make more of an effort to respect his culture, be it Spanish or Cuban or Cuban-American, before you'll be able to work these issues out.

 

 

I am sorry, but I believe I have made MORE THAN ENOUGH effort to respect his culture, to speak, read and write spanish in just 2 years, to learning to cook and cooking ONLY cuban food FROM SCRATCH, to watching ONLY his programs, to being around ONLY his family, and the list goes on.

 

I cannot say the same for him however. He does not speak english AT ALL, nor does his family. (Yes, I have tried to teach them. Their response is: Learn Spanish) He REFUSES to eat american food, we do not watch ANYTHING that isnt on the spanish channel, period. I am very much enmeshed in his world, he would have it no other way. He is not the type of man that believe men and women are equal. He thinks women should listen to the men, clean, cook and stay out of the way.

 

It has been a long tough road, emotionally perilous at times, very frustrating and heartbreaking. I think I have earned my right to be less than understanding at times.

 

If you were that sensitive to my post, bashing me for being culturally insensitive, I guarantee you probably would not have made it past a week in our house. They would have you in tears with some of the most spiciest culturally insensitive comments your ears have ever had the displeasure of hearing.

 

I was seeking advice on whether or not my asking him to turn it off was indicative of shrewlike behaviour, or not. I was not, however, seeking advice on whether I was culturally sensitive enough.

[Adunaphel]

From your posts, I'd say that you have bigger problems than the tacky, offensive TV programmes.

 

By the way....when I started to get upset at the tacky programs my bf watched on tv (from penthouse shows to average late-hours tv programmes with half-naked women), I was having other relationship problems that I was not 100% aware of. I was generally unhappy and did not feel loved. I just did not realize it until later.

 

Is it only recently that you got upset with the kind of TV shows your bf watches? If so, it's a red flag.

Would you be otherwise happy with your bf? It does not sound like this is the case, from your last post.

[Asafan]

I believe, in your mad scramble to immediately cast blame upon me, you overlooked something. Or, perhaps it was I who was the culprit for not being as clear as the situation called for...

 

He is Cuban, from Cuba. He has been in America for 5 years. At this point, he is Cuban-American, I was using his heritage as a reference point, incase any of you here might be able to identify with this particular culture. If it was really a problem for me, I wouldnt be involved in an ongoing relationship of 2 years with the man.

 

 

Burning, how exactly was I making generalizations? For being honest and observant? I think not. You mentioned "well educated professionals". He nor his family are "well educated" nor are they "professionals". Did you want me to lie and say that they are, because it "doesnt sound nice"? Sorry, I am not going to sugarcoat the situation so everyone here doesnt think I am being "culturally insensitive".

 

When I said "Another annoying habit of theirs...." I was speaking specifically about him and his family. Not the whole Cuban culture. Again, just being honest and observant.

 

 

 

I am sorry, but I believe I have made MORE THAN ENOUGH effort to respect his culture, to speak, read and write spanish in just 2 years, to learning to cook and cooking ONLY cuban food FROM SCRATCH, to watching ONLY his programs, to being around ONLY his family, and the list goes on.

 

I cannot say the same for him however. He does not speak english AT ALL, nor does his family. (Yes, I have tried to teach them. Their response is: Learn Spanish) He REFUSES to eat american food, we do not watch ANYTHING that isnt on the spanish channel, period. I am very much enmeshed in his world, he would have it no other way. He is not the type of man that believe men and women are equal. He thinks women should listen to the men, clean, cook and stay out of the way.

 

It has been a long tough road, emotionally perilous at times, very frustrating and heartbreaking. I think I have earned my right to be less than understanding at times.

 

If you were that sensitive to my post, bashing me for being culturally insensitive, I guarantee you probably would not have made it past a week in our house. They would have you in tears with some of the most spiciest culturally insensitive comments your ears have ever had the displeasure of hearing.

 

I was seeking advice on whether or not my asking him to turn it off was indicative of shrewlike behaviour, or not. I was not, however, seeking advice on whether I was culturally sensitive enough.

 

I would totally agree with you for being angry about being bashed for cultrual insensitivity. That is pretty ridiculous even if you hadn't just detailed your efforts to be totally sensitive to his culture. That's just so P.C. it kills me. God forbid anyone actually give an opinion on another culture when they see it with their own eyes.

 

That said, if you are going so far out of your way for him and he has not (apparently) done anything for you, why are you with this man? It is obvious he is never going to move in your direction at all. Latin men are notorious for their "my way or the highway" attitude toward women, and his family will never support you or go againts him in any way. You would probably be better off without him.

 

Cha-ching- there's my 2 cents

[bluechocolate]

He REFUSES to eat american food, we do not watch ANYTHING that isnt on the spanish channel, period. I am very much enmeshed in his world, he would have it no other way. He is not the type of man that believe men and women are equal. He thinks women should listen to the men, clean, cook and stay out of the way.

And you're staying in this relationship because.......?

 

Whatever, if that is the way he thinks & feels then you are going to get nowhere in trying to resolve this issue with him.

[grateful]

I believe, in your mad scramble to immediately cast blame upon me, you overlooked something. Or, perhaps it was I who was the culprit for not being as clear as the situation called for...

 

He is Cuban, from Cuba. He has been in America for 5 years. At this point, he is Cuban-American, I was using his heritage as a reference point, incase any of you here might be able to identify with this particular culture. If it was really a problem for me, I wouldnt be involved in an ongoing relationship of 2 years with the man.

 

Then why did you refer to him as spanish and ask for opinions from spanish women? The correct terminology is Latino and/or Hispanic? Spanish refers to the language he speaks, OR people from Spain.

 

Burning, how exactly was I making generalizations? For being honest and observant? I think not. You mentioned "well educated professionals". He nor his family are "well educated" nor are they "professionals". Did you want me to lie and say that they are, because it "doesnt sound nice"? Sorry, I am not going to sugarcoat the situation so everyone here doesnt think I am being "culturally insensitive".

 

When I said "Another annoying habit of theirs...." I was speaking specifically about him and his family. Not the whole Cuban culture. Again, just being honest and observant.

 

care to respond the way you characterized all women from "this culture"?

 

Originally Posted by Tragic:

I feel like I cannot hold a stimulating conversation with any of the women in this culture, it immediately veers towards the mundane and droll, and turns into a constant competition for the menfolks attention, bending, squatting, thrusting, geez, get ahold of your body parts, woman! Its exhausting just watching it!

 

Perhaps the effort this relationship requires is causing you to, as burning 4 revenge noted, generalize.

 

I am sorry, but I believe I have made MORE THAN ENOUGH effort to respect his culture, to speak, read and write spanish in just 2 years, to learning to cook and cooking ONLY cuban food FROM SCRATCH, to watching ONLY his programs, to being around ONLY his family, and the list goes on.

 

I cannot say the same for him however. He does not speak english AT ALL, nor does his family. (Yes, I have tried to teach them. Their response is: Learn Spanish) He REFUSES to eat american food, we do not watch ANYTHING that isnt on the spanish channel, period. I am very much enmeshed in his world, he would have it no other way. He is not the type of man that believe men and women are equal. He thinks women should listen to the men, clean, cook and stay out of the way.

 

It has been a long tough road, emotionally perilous at times, very frustrating and heartbreaking. I think I have earned my right to be less than understanding at times.

 

If you were that sensitive to my post, bashing me for being culturally insensitive, I guarantee you probably would not have made it past a week in our house. They would have you in tears with some of the most spiciest culturally insensitive comments your ears have ever had the displeasure of hearing.

 

I was seeking advice on whether or not my asking him to turn it off was indicative of shrewlike behaviour, or not. I was not, however, seeking advice on whether I was culturally sensitive enough.

 

Tragic,

It sounds like you've given up a lot of yourself to be with this man. This may not be a cultural issue as much as it is an issue of your throwing your lot in with people who are not kind and open. I think you might have gone overboard accomodating his needs and interests. I'm just asking that you not assume all people of "this culture" act a certain way. That said, I would not put up with people who treat me this way - be they from whatever culture.

[Tragic]

Originally posted by Burning 4 revenge: It's ironic that she is making the same kind of generalizations she accuses her bf's family of making about her.

 

You mean, sort of like you, when you had this to say:

 

Originally posted by Burning 4 revenge:If you want to talk about something other than sex with a Cuban woman, talk about cooking. The love talking about cooking. Also children seems like a pretty hot topic . And you can talk about politics, but BEWARE!!! You better be a Republican and spit on the on the ground anytime anybody mentions a Kennedy.

 

Isnt that blatant generalization regarding Cuban Women?

 

In my world, or rather HIS world, there is no such thing as cultural insensitivity..Everyone says what is on their mind, regardless if it is hurtful or not. They are a tough, hard lot. The comments I have made are completely mild and would not have made the tiniest dent in their pride whatsoever. How else do you think I learned?

 

Originally posted by Asafan:That's just so P.C. it kills me. God forbid anyone actually give an opinion on another culture when they see it with their own eyes.

 

Thank you, I not only saw it, but I am living it. Added to the fact that I have grown more than a tad weary of the constant uproar over "P.C."

 

Originally posted by Adunaphel:Is it only recently that you got upset with the kind of TV shows your bf watches? If so, it's a red flag.

Would you be otherwise happy with your bf? It does not sound like this is the case, from your last post.

 

No, it is only recently that I have gown indifferent over it. With the exception of this tacky program. To be sure, I am happy with him. As happy as one can expect, given the situation.

 

This situation, as a whole, is tough. Trying to meet each other half way has been a real ordeal. Considering his unbending, unyeilding attitude towards women, my forward thinking mentality has really put him through the gamut of creative emotions. His refusal to budge is both admirable and astounding.

 

It has definately been an adventure, however I definately would NOT recommend it to anyone who isnt up for a challenge, cant think abstractly, is soft at heart, and requires affection.

[Tragic]

Originally posted by grateful: care to respond the way you characterized all women from "this culture"?

 

 

It sounds as if you are pushing me to play nice and say sorry. Very well, I apologize for stating "the women of this culture"....You'll have to forgive me. I am not used to being so sensitive at times.

 

Originally posted by grateful:

Then why did you refer to him as spanish and ask for opinions from spanish women? The correct terminology is Latino and/or Hispanic? Spanish refers to the language he speaks, OR people from Spain.

 

 

I am quite aware of the correct terminology, and to be sure, I require no lessons. I do believe I went on to state that he is Cuban. I WAS asking for opinions from spanish women but failed to mention latino and/or hispanic women as well. I figured I would cut straight to the point and mention the word "spanish" figuring that it is all encompassing with the general train of thought in the world today. Again, if that is generalizing, and stereotying and culturally insensitive towards some of the posters here, I do apologize. Out of mild curiosity, why are you attacking my verbage?