ash8752 Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Hi- I am 24 and in a relationship with a great guy. we live together and have been a couple for 15 months. I am VERY insecure! I am working on it though. I started seeing a therapist and that is actually helping a bit but i keep hearing that my self esteem is low which i am sure is true also. How do you get a higher self esteem. What things can I do each day to raise that and feel better about myself. My bf always tells me how good i look and tells me how attracted he is to me etc. But what can i do for myself? Any advice?
amaysngrace Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Make a list of your good qualities. Not superficial ones, but your deep down qualities. I just read a post you wrote to the guy who is living with his GF but wants to try to be with someone else. You gave some strong, solid advice. To me this implies you have a good head on your shoulders and are bright. These things should be your focus. Realize how important you are just because you can offer things no one else can, simply cause they're not you. Get to know yourself better by jotting down strengths and weaknesses and learn to like who you are. Celebrate the strengths while working on those weaknesses. Pretty soon you'll come to love yourself for who you are and will begin to rejoice in your individuality. And of course, doing what's right helps alot too.
Author ash8752 Posted August 9, 2006 Author Posted August 9, 2006 Thank you!!! It all really sounds great, but what makes me realize how low my self esteem is, is that when i was reading that really nice post you wrote me i said to myself "How can I love myself?" Not a good sign huh??? A few weeks ago i did write a few good qualities about myself but i think i need to go back and add more and go more into depth or something. I want to like myself more and i want my relationship to be healthier. It is healthy now, it's been better lately, but my insecurity is definately causing some havoc. And i have a slight heart condition and i am not supposed to be stressed. Thank you again Amay. I need to keep putting all this through my head and really try and understand what it means to really love yourself because i dont think i do. I cant wait to see how that feels.
amaysngrace Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 I can tell you one thing...it feels great. It is a process though. I had bad self-image for a really long time. It's not really what others think, but more how you think about yourself. So you can get a million compliments from your boyfriend, but it won't do much good if you can't compliment yourself. Because you won't believe it anyway, those nice things people say about you. Well, I guess you do somewhat, because how can the same good things be said by so many if it weren't true, right? But at the same time, in the back of your head it gets dismissed. Because something bad is back there which has more meaning than all the good. But it's just you thinking wrong. Try and find it, whatever it is that is keeping you low. If it was something or someone, try and figure out why they are that way or the reason it played out the way it did. It may be several things or several people who put this bad thought there. You are going to have to explore it though. I suggest getting a notebook and a pen and start writing it down. Once it's on paper it doesn't seem like such a challenge anymore cause you've won half the battle right there. Just don't share it with your boyfriend He probably won't be half as thrilled as you!
Joelle Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Accept & like yourself for your qualities AND your weaknesses. Don't just focus on your qualities. That's not the whole picture. Understand that you're very unique and special. In the history of the world (and in its future), there will be nobody else like you. You're one-of-a-kind, like a snowflake - beautiful & complex. If by chance, you're not happy with your characteristics, become a person you're happy with. Develop your qualities some more, work on your weakness (overcome them, if possible). Be the best version of you you can be. When you have a positive relationship with yourself, you will have a positive relationship with others. It carries over. Good luck.
Green Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 Some one wise once told me the best way to fill a hole within yourself is to give what your not getting. So for instance if your problem is low slef esteem maybe you could boost yours by voulenteering as a mentor or big sister or what ever for an under privledged youth its just crayz enough to work. Oh yeah and acomplishing missions always makes people feel better set a goal like to write a story youve always wanted to write or to take a trip youve always wanted to take and make it happen that should help!
dgiirl Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 It all has to do with your internal dialog. When people compliment you, do you dismiss it in your head and say they're just being nice? Or do you accept the compliment fully and let yourself really believe it. I had low self esteem for quite a while. I started to work on it by realizing that people just dont go around complimenting others unless they believe it. So if they believe it, it must be true. I also realized that when I dismissed their compliment, I wouldnt thank them for saying it, i'd try to deflect the compliment by saying "nah, that's not true", because I felt uncomfortable and wanted to take the attention off of me. I finally realized tho, that every time I did that, i made the situation worse and made the other feel awkward. The best way to not make the situation awkward is to simply thank them. This in turn made THEM feel good because they did a "good" deed for the day. It's good to allow others to feel good when they do good, so just accept the compliment, allow yourself to take it in as truth, and appreciate it for what it's worth. Besides compliments, there's also how you speak to yourself. When you make mistakes, do you get mad at yourself and say mean things to yourself? Do you think the worse of every situation? Pay attention to what you say to yourself when you're thinking. You'll be very surprised how mean we can be to ourselves. We say things to ourselves we'd never say to anyone else. Every time you have a negative thought, refocus it to a positive thought. Disprove your negative thoughts. Also, check and see if you suffer from anxiety. I never knew I had anxiety, and when I'd have an anxiety attack, my internal dialog would kick into overdrive. By researching what anxiety was, I'm now able to catch myself when I'm having an anxiety attack, and able to talk myself out of those negative feelings.
Author ash8752 Posted August 14, 2006 Author Posted August 14, 2006 Thank you for all your responses. I like the sound of giving what I am not getting. That could help a lot. I am going to try it as soon as i have a medical situation all sorted out! I have to go in for a heart procedure called catheter ablation this week. At 24! I do suffer from panic attacks. It's a bit different than anxiety because there is no specific situation that makes me that way, it comes from nowhere. I should try and identify it though. When i receieve compliments i sometimes say thank you and sometimes disregard it. It all depends on my mood.
john1776 Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 I'm the type of person who will dwell on criticism and let the compliments in one ear and out the other. If I'm given 9 compliments and 1 criticism rest assured I will give my undivided attention on that 1 criticism and ignore the 9 compliments. I truly believe that any compliment anybody gives me whether it's my parents, friends, girlfriend, strangers are just trying to sugar coat things for me. The truth is negative 98% of the time. Sure hell yeah I'll punch myself in the chest or face whenever I do something wrong. I'm not a forgiving person towards myself or others. Part of the reason I'm limiting contact with my girlfriend is to punish myself for mistakes I've made in the past regardless if she brings them up or not. Regardless if she remembers them or not. If she has truly forgiven me fine but I refuse to forgive myself. I'm even considering making certain flaws of mine dealbreakers for the relationship even if she won't. Certainly I have repented of my past mistakes and learned from them. I'm not repeating them but I am looking for ways to pay for my misdeeds even though she has not requested any compensation from me. I was not abusive to her nor did I cheat but I did things that were uncalled for.
Ripples Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 John, seems like you're punishing your girlfriend rather than yourself. Surely the best recompense for whatever it is that you've done, is to not do it again to either her, or yourself. Do you think you maybe have other issues? Have you ever heard of, or read "I'm Ok, you're Ok"? It maybe worth looking at the subject. Hi, by the way
john1776 Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 No I haven't read the book. I don't see how I'm punishing my girlfriend. Maybe she's punishing herself by staying with me. Not repeating the same mistake is only the beginning but it's not enough for me. She's even told me not to worry about what I did the other day because it's over and done with. So now I'm the only one who's thinking back to the offense. There should be an eye for an eye in the relationship.
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