badwife29 Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 First of all i dont care if you judge me, I deserve it. I have been married for five years and toward the end of last year I met a guy at work. My H and have always had some problems. He loves attention from other women and tho he hasn't crossed any lines ever it still bothers me that he likes to flirt. He grew up with sisters so he is just more comfortable around women than other men. Most women love him becusae he is a very good listener and he is attractive and smart. So sometimes I feel like he pays more attention to his friends' wives nad girlfriends or to women he just met than to me. He is the type of guy who will strike up a conversation with the cashier at a gas station every time he sees her. ANd not just a hi how are you? She will end up telling him all her problems nad he will soon know that she is divorced/mad at her boyfriend/unhappy at work-something personal. I am 29 years old he is 33 we don't have any kids yet. We wanted to wait till we were more financially secure. we have our own home and both work but we don't have much extra money. Long story much simpler- about eight months ago I started having an affair with a coworker who I Had known for awhile. It started as a purely emotional thing- he admired me, complimented me and wanted to spend alot of time with me. My H works two jobs and is always doing stuff to help other people out so we don't see eacother much. So OM made me feel good. To him I was the only woman in his life. It wasn't about the sex, that came later after about six months of just kissing and cuddling and sneakign off to be together.Sex was just something that eventually happened but it wasnt' the area I was unhappy with my H. OM was single and wanted me to leave my husband to be with him. I seriously considered it but I never did. Our affair went on for about eight months. My H had no idea what was going on. I did feel guility but it was like when I was iwth OM nothing else mattered. Being around OM made me much happier around my H as well and he noticed that I wasn' t fighting iwth him as much. So I never did get caught but one night I was looking at my H and thinking how he doesnt' deserve this (this was about a month ago). I would not want someone to do this to me (i've been cheated on before and it hurts!) and so I told him. I told him pretty much everything-didnt' get into the gory details tho. Of course my H was crushed. he was very angry and then very very sad. We've been to counselng because he decided he wants to owrk this out. I do too. First thing I did was got another job and that was hard because I loved my job. Also I have had No contact with OM since the week after my H decided he wanted to work things out. I thought I was ok iwth this and I won';t contact OM because I don't want to cause either of them more pain. But now even as I try to work this out with my H i find myself thinking of OM and missing some of the things we used to do like crazy. Nothing to do with sex but just how we would watch a movie together at his apartmetn and he would hold me the whole time. After ward we woudl just lay there and kiss and cuddle and talk for hours, the whole time we'd talk OM would be rubbing my back or holding my hand and just focus all of his attention on me. I misst how when we were around his familiy or freinds he would always have his arm around me or be affectionate. Just things that my H doesn't do anymore. I have tried talking to h about how we can improve things and what I need from him (selfish i know after what i did) I am also trying to do things that he finds important. I don't want to hurt my H anymore. I have no plans to do this again because I learned my lesson adn i truly am sorry that I acted like such a piece of ****. But at the same tiem I miss my OM so much. not so much him but just the interactions we had. I miss teh tenderness and the admiration and its so hard because my H practically hates me and of course he can't give me these things and I dont' blame him. for awhile now even before the affair my H always acted bothered if I wanted to cuddle or touch him unless it was for sex. He used to love to just get close but after we were married a few years its like I just became a big annoyance to him. I just dont know how to reconcile with my H when I'm thinking these thoughts. I have NO plans to contact OM becasue I promised my H I won't. But I just want to get rid of these thoughts. is there a way to let go for good.
norajane Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 From what you've written, it sounds like the reason you got into the affair, and the reason you keep thinking about the OM, is your need for affection and attention from your H. As long as you aren't getting that at home, you'll find it difficult not to think about your OM. What's been happening in marriage counseling? Has MC brought out why your H wasn't giving you affection and attention before the affair? I can certainly understand how he would have difficulties with that now, but there must also have been reasons for it in the past. Are you able to meet H's needs? Was he really satisfied with how things were before your affair? What I'm getting at is, either he's just not the kind of guy who's openly affectionate and able to give you undivided attention, or his needs aren't being met, plus now he needs to deal with the effects of your affair. If it's the latter, time and communication and patience will help. If it's the former, then it's going to be much more difficult to get your needs met - it's hard for people to change who they fundamentally are.
badwife29 Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 MC is going ok. We've only been a few times. The counseler is mostly focusing on my H and his feelings of betrayal. She hasn't really discussed our individual needs. I would say that my H has a strong need for attention because he loves getting attention from other women. He will even flirt with his mother's freinds who are in their 50's. I try to give him a lot of attention but he seems to not want it from me. If I want sex he is fine with that but if I compliment him or love on him (cuddle etc) he just brushes it off or seems annoyed with me. Or he will get up and say he has work to do. But if some female he barely knows wants to chat at the grocery store or if his buddy's girlfriend sits on his lap he enjoys it becuase its not the "same old same old" He hasn't told me this- I just know. If I ask him about this he will admit that he craves attention from other women and will say it has nothing to do wtih me. He's always been like this and it never bothered me becuase I knew he loved ME. When we first got togehter he was very affectionate, he was always holding my hand in public and kissing me every time he got near me. He would cuddle with me on the couch for hours after he got home from work and he was always tellling me how sexy he thougth I looked or that he liked my hair, eyes, smile, clothes, etc. Of course this tapered off after we were married but he still does this once in awhile. I've asked my H about his needs too. Basically all he wants is dinner on the table every night, sex 3-4 times a week, and our house kept clean. He does help out around the house and washes his own clothes. So its not like he wants a maid. He will talk to me about personal stuff that is bothering him (work and family) but he will basically talk about this stuff to the girl who works at Wal-mart too that he's only seen twice. So honestly other than the basic food, sex, and a comfortable house he doesnt' seem to have many needs. I know I am selfish for what I did with OM. I know I'm unreasonable to expect my H to forgive and forget and instantly fufill my needs for affection. I want to work on our marriage but I dont' know what else to do except give him time. Its not fair to him that I fantasize about OM (if my H and I go somewhere I will think about how much fun I would have there with OM instead. Or I will think about how OM would act differently, treat me differently and be more affectionate and sweet. I'm just tired of feeling like an annoyance rather than a loved wife. I know I dont' deserve to be happy right now after what I did but I just don't know what to do.
silktricks Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Since you know that what you did was wrong, I won't belabor the point. However, good people don't do bad things for no reason, and it sounds to me like you have some reasons for being unhappy. Though your husband may get over his pain in time, if you don't start discussing with him the reasons behind your actions, the marriage won't really improve. It may go back to satisfying your husbands desires, but you will continue to be dissatisfied (or at least unsatisfied.) Please talk to your MC and say that you need to have your issues addressed as well as your husband's. If the MC doesn't agree to that, you may need to shop around for a new counsellor. A marriage counsellor isn't supposed to take sides, and MC is about resolving ALL of the issues in a marriage, not just those of the BS. Good luck.
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