consternation Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 I spoke to MM today (haven't seen him a month as we are officially not seeing each other until he is single, which is supposed to be end of Sept). I (yes I know, I know) said I could see him on Fri... he said he wants to but his gut feeling is we should wait until Sept. I asked if this was bcoz he was worried about slipping back into an affair situation, which he basically admitted yes (he says he needs to make changes first etc, take control of life, etc etc). I agree with this. However, I have this concern... maybe someone can give me their opinion? If we don't see each other, he is going to miss me more and more and more.... I'm just worried he might leave his wife *for me* (rather than for *him*) bcoz he is missing me so much... I told him that I dont want him to leave for me, but rather that its just I can't continue seeing him as a married man... I have read all the threads on this forum and its hard for me to be optimistic about this situation.
9Lives Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 I spoke to MM today (haven't seen him a month as we are officially not seeing each other until he is single, which is supposed to be end of Sept). I (yes I know, I know) said I could see him on Fri... he said he wants to but his gut feeling is we should wait until Sept. I asked if this was bcoz he was worried about slipping back into an affair situation, which he basically admitted yes (he says he needs to make changes first etc, take control of life, etc etc). I agree with this. However, I have this concern... maybe someone can give me their opinion? If we don't see each other, he is going to miss me more and more and more.... I'm just worried he might leave his wife *for me* (rather than for *him*) bcoz he is missing me so much... I told him that I dont want him to leave for me, but rather that its just I can't continue seeing him as a married man... I have read all the threads on this forum and its hard for me to be optimistic about this situation. I am sure he misses you but it has to be deeper than that.
Author consternation Posted August 14, 2006 Author Posted August 14, 2006 Thanks 9Lives. Heard from MM this morning (by text). Things are very ugly at home (he does not go into details and has never said a bad word about his wife). He said he is working things out and will call me when I return from holidays (I am going on holidays just before his 'deadline to be single' of the end of Sept, so presumably he means he will call at the deadline). He also says he is making plans to return to the military.... he was in the army when he first got married but left due to wife not coping with absences. He has talked about how important this was to him (returning to army) since I met him. I think he is making big changes in every area of his life, something I can empathise with having been there... So far as he and I go.. I think that, if he does become single at the end of September and we start seeing each other, we will just take it one day at a time because clearly he is going to be a longggg way away from settling down again. Which is fine with me... I just don't want to be sneaking around, feeling second-best etc anymore... would like a boyfriend who can go the movies with my daughter and me, come over for dinner etc etc. Simple things!
Author consternation Posted August 14, 2006 Author Posted August 14, 2006 ps. and to respond to your reply a little more precisely, 9Lives.. yes it has become apparent it is 'deeper than that' ... he's now said that regardless of what happens with me, his marriage is over and I think this has just been a catalyst.
9Lives Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 Sorry Consternation...I was short because I really did not know the details and I had thought those same thoughts before. I am glad he is making strives towards being single. That is good and I am very happy for you. Best to you. I have a long way to go. I carry hope that one day, we will be together
9Lives Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 ps. and to respond to your reply a little more precisely, 9Lives.. yes it has become apparent it is 'deeper than that' ... he's now said that regardless of what happens with me, his marriage is over and I think this has just been a catalyst. Again I am sorry. I am happy for you. Like to hear from you as things progress. YOu are where I want to be.
PoshPrincess Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 ps. and to respond to your reply a little more precisely, 9Lives.. yes it has become apparent it is 'deeper than that' ... he's now said that regardless of what happens with me, his marriage is over and I think this has just been a catalyst. I really hope I am wrong but my MM gave a deadline when his wife found out at Christmas. He told me that after Christmas and New Year (he didn't want to ruin everyone's holiday) he would tell his wife that he was leaving. He DID tell herr, or so he says. Still not sure what to believe. Let's face it, it's now August and he's still there. I have called things off more times than I can remember and so has he. Now we are trying the "good friends" thing which is slightly easier. There was always a reason (excuse) why he couldn't leave and most were valid but very convenient. As I say, I hope I am wrong and HOPE this doesn't happen to you. Now and again there is an MM who is genuine and means what he says. Sometimes though they just think they mean it and even if they do, they don't necessarily have the balls to go through with it. I wish you lots and lots of luck and love with your MM. It would be SO good for someone to have a happy ending as I'm starting to realise that it won't be for me.
Author consternation Posted August 14, 2006 Author Posted August 14, 2006 Hey Posh.... don't worry I know what you mean. What happened is that I ended it, he went off the deep end and told his wife (was obvious something was up by his behaviour) .. I said I would wait til end of Sept (2 months at the time) but NC until he was single. However! we have been texting a bit. I'm trying not to worry about it too much. The NC at first was a bloody shocker with how much it messed up my head... I considered it to be really the end of things as did not want to rely on the end of Sept thing. As the weeks go by however it appears that he actually is going to be single by then. I'm really just taking it each day at a time and expecting nothing. So we'll see. We both know I won't be the OW anymore. I'm 31 and I guess I'm thinking (lol) if I ever want more children... I don't know that I do but I at least want to make the choice myself, not have circumstances make it for me. SOrry for life story!! haha. 9Lives... and Posh.... it may seem to you that things are working out for me, but let me tell you there are absolutely no guarantees.. I would still advise anyone in this position not to wait! Life is precious. Unfortunately too often we settle for less because we fear the pain of loss.
PinkShorts Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 Thats because people who have problems usually are the ones coming to message boards for support. all the ow who have made out alright are not going to come here. I for one am with my mm now. Hes going through a divorce and I live with him and help take care of his daughter. Dont believe everything you hear.
Walking away Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 A long, long time ago....I got my MM too. We were both married. He orchestrated our discovery day because he was ready to leave his wife. He left his marriage first. I, however, had cold feet. After D-day, however, I left my husband. Yes, his orchestration hastened the demise of our marriages, but guess what? I chose not to stay with him either. That was 16 years ago, and we produced a child from that affair. It was my choice, not his, to walk away from the relationship. I could have been with my MM today. He tells me that everytime we speak. He tells me STILL how much he loves me and that he wants me to come home and marry him. He still believes that we belong together. We left our spouses for each other, but we STILL didn't end up together. We are wonderful friends and he is a fabulous father, but I don't love him. We started out wrong and our relationship was doomed because of it. He, although I understand his motives, orchestrated the D-day and it backfired on him. I wasn't ready to leave my husband. Be careful. There are people out there who don't take kindly into others tampering and forcing decisions such as whether or not to leave a marriage. Believe what you hear. There are MANY facets to the same story...and mine could have been a "happy ending" too. Unfortunately for him, I am not one to be forced into anything. It is a slippery slope you are on. Be careful. WA
PoshPrincess Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 It's nice to know there are happy endings (or could be!) I too have a friend who ended up with her MM (after many years of heartache and will he, won't he?) and they have now been very happily married for 10 years and are expecting their second child. Consternation, I SO hope things work out for you. It certainly sounds a lot more promising than my situation. I gave in and texted MM this morning now I am driving myself insane. He did reply and then asked how my fella was!! He told me he heard that I am seeing someone else, or maybe he's just testing the water? Not too sure what to make of it. After jokingly asking him which fella, I then texted asking did he seriously think I was seeing someone else and told him that it was q amusing. No reply. Should I just be honest with him and tell him there's no one else. I'm scared now that because I've been so cool and 'matey' with him he will think I seriously don't want to know anymore. Why is it all so complicated?
Author consternation Posted August 16, 2006 Author Posted August 16, 2006 I always think its best to act as though your life is so busy and fulfilling that you don't even have time for a man right now! It's even better if this is actually true. text from MM this afternoon - ''sorry i didnt text yesterday but i don't feel that well at the moment (euphemism for things are hell at home), hope you understand'' i responded: ''yes its hard but i understand'' reply from him: ''i will text at end of september when you getback, hope that'll be ok, take care x'' To be honest I don't know what to expect so I'm trying not to think about it. I feel kind of flat and crappy, I think just with missing him, but am holding it together and trying to be super productive with uni, daughter, etc. I really don't know how this will turn out.
PoshPrincess Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 I always think its best to act as though your life is so busy and fulfilling that you don't even have time for a man right now! It's even better if this is actually true. text from MM this afternoon - ''sorry i didnt text yesterday but i don't feel that well at the moment (euphemism for things are hell at home), hope you understand'' i responded: ''yes its hard but i understand'' reply from him: ''i will text at end of september when you getback, hope that'll be ok, take care x'' To be honest I don't know what to expect so I'm trying not to think about it. I feel kind of flat and crappy, I think just with missing him, but am holding it together and trying to be super productive with uni, daughter, etc. I really don't know how this will turn out. Consternation, just comfort yourself with the fact that at the moment he is taking steps to be with you and there is light at the end of the tunnel. It IS hard when you're used to them being around, phoning, texting etc and then nothing, but soon he will be yours forever and it will all have been worth it. SO wish I was in your position and had that to look forward to. The 'mates' thing is getting me down but I know I'd still rather that than NC at all. If my MM could just give me a date then, as hard as i know it would be, I would wait for him forever because I think we're meant to be.
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