BeyondJay Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 I have been dating my girlfriend for just over 2 years. We are also living together. Over the last six months or so our relationship has slowly started to fizzle out and I am finding myself less attracted to her and feel almost like she is more of a best friend than my lover. We have spoken of getting married, but I just don't have that feeling like this is THE ONE. However there is nothing wrong with her. We don't fight and get along really well, but it just comes back to the loss of attraction where I just feel like really good friends. I have recently met another girl at my new work who makes me feel like I did when I first met my first true love who I still think I would have married and been happy for the rest of my life(who I still regret losing to this day, but that's a whole other story). Now I'm not sure what to do. I really want to give this new girl a chance to see if she could possibly be the one... but I don't want to give up on my current girlfriend who we have built so much together. Ideally I wish we could just take a break and I could have a chance to see if I'm just precieving the grass to be greener on the other side, if you know what I mean. Normally I would just think this was lust, and come to my senses, but there is something about this girl that I know is special. I don't want to throw away my relationship over what could be a 2 week fling, I don't want to cheat or lie to my girlfriend, but I don't want to pass up an opportuninty that I could regret for a long time with someone that could be very special. I feel like this could be a life changing decision... Please HELP!!!!!
bluechocolate Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 What's wrong with being best friends & lovers? The fizzle of every new relationship settles into a comfortable place after a while. ...but I don't want to pass up an opportunity that I could regret for a long time with someone that could be very special. And wasn't there something special about your current g/f at first? And exactly what makes you think that this other girl is going to give you that opportunity? I think you're looking for something illusory. What is this business about THE ONE? Like if you meet THE ONE everything will be fine & you'll live happily ever after? Relationships just don't work like that. In fact, there's the key word - work. A long term committed relationship takes work, sometimes hard work. You either put in the effort or spend your life looking for THE ONE, who in reality just doesn't exist. If you sincerely feel that you no longer lover your g/f & can't marry her then be honest with her. Don't try to put her on a shelf for 'laters'.
Guest Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 When I say THE ONE I am trying to sum up the general feeling that people that I know have when they get married. When I ask them how they knew they were getting married the right person, they just say, "You just know" I feel like that piece is missing. I don't feel like "I just know" she is the one for me. So when i say "the one" I don't want to imply that I think that there is only one, just that I want that feeling of knowing for sure I'm making the right decision. As far as working at a relationship, I'm fine with that. I'm more than willing to talk, and to listen. I have been in a few relationships that were over a year so I know that there is work involved and I don't mind that at all. I just don't feel like there should be work in being attracted to your lover, that part should be natraul more than any. I feel the work should come in when it comes to understanding each other and expressing thoughts and feelings. Being able to relate to one anothers point of view. I could be wrong here but that just how I feel.
Mascara Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Have a listen to The Beautiful South "A Little Time", because it is and will be you - http://www.pavilion.co.uk/users/bucko/time.htm
Author BeyondJay Posted August 9, 2006 Author Posted August 9, 2006 If you sincerely feel that you no longer lover your g/f & can't marry her then be honest with her. Don't try to put her on a shelf for 'laters'. That part really hits home for me. I see that I am being rather selfish about the whole thing. Then again this is my life and I need to do what is best for me. Still not really sure what to do, but that did get me thinking in another direction. Maybe it's time for a "break" or maybe it's time to really get serious... Argh!!! Life is hard! I appriciate the advice and comments any others are also welcomed! Let me know if you have questions as well. Thanx, -J p.s. The message above posted by "Guest" was also from me.
theantibarbie23 Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 I just don't feel like there should be work in being attracted to your lover, that part should be natraul more than any. I feel the work should come in when it comes to understanding each other and expressing thoughts and feelings. Being able to relate to one anothers point of view. I could be wrong here but that just how I feel. Sorry but, you've got it all wrong. You have to put effort into keeping the passion alive and well. It requires as much upkeep as the rest of a relationship. If you do not tend to it, it will die out. Ask any couple that has been married a long time, they will tell you the same.
Last Mohegan Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Great lyrics...where can I hear this song? Have a listen to The Beautiful South "A Little Time", because it is and will be you - http://www.pavilion.co.uk/users/bucko/time.htm
sarme Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 hey Beyondjay you sound like the guy I am sort of involved with in that I don't know if he is just having a "grass is greener" moment or he really feels she is not the one. Mind you, my guy is married, and he says he never felt like she was the one. He got married, went through the motions and now is looking to get out. You can read my post here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95945/ I want to know, were you physically attracted to your girl from the get-go or was this something that got lost along the way? My Mguy says the attraction or WOW factor was never there for him but he liked certain qualities about her. I know attraction must be there but I am also a firm beleiver that attraction or romanitc love as it happens in the beginning cannot be sustained forever so the deeper the connection, the more it overcomes the phsyical, which can be regained if you try to rediscover one another. My Mguy assures me it is not physical alone that is is deeper, it is the whole package, the deep connection was missing always. Is this your case jay? It would a shame to throw it all out for momantary loss of sexual apetite, for lack of better term.
Mascara Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 Great lyrics...where can I hear this song? Not sure where you can hear it for free LM, think you might have to download it via an MP3 site.
Author BeyondJay Posted August 11, 2006 Author Posted August 11, 2006 Sarme- It's funny you say that because it is very much the case that it was the whole package that was originally attractive to me. The deep connectionis not there for me, but I think it is for her (or she thinks it is, as I'm sure we have all thought at one time only to realize we were wrong) I was originally attracted just because she was a woman that was better than average looking, not the instant attraction, but the "ehh, why not" then we just really got along. I always felt like it would be just another short relationship and I was always OK with that, it's just nothing ever happened to make it end(and i'm not the breakup person in a relationship ever). I have never had that for sure feeling and as the last couple of days have gone by and I have really been analyzing and thinking about it, I'm really not that happy, except for the comfort factor (as in it's nice to have someone around) also she is truely not that happy on a day in day out basis ( which is somewhat attributed to a rough family life). I really feel that she is so into me because I happen to be the one that treated her right at the right time. I am also her first love so I don't think she really knows how to feel. I find myself dreading having to talk to her because her expectations are getting high and she invisions a life of something you would see on a TV show where everything is perfect. I can't give her that and don't want to. That's why I'm still stuck and not sure what to do. I feel like we really should be apart for a while so she can work out what she really feels, and I can work out what I really feel. I'm just scared to tell her that. As far as the other girl, I am going to go to a friendly dinner (not a date) and try to get to the bottom of what kind of person she really is and be completly honest about my current situation. I think the only right way to handle this is to not be dishonest and try to hide what my life is like or I will just end up screwing up and possible relationship with the new girl and ruining a possible friend for life with the current girl. Hopefully everyone will understand and the cards will fall where they may. ANy further insight or questions is not only welcomed but encouraged.
Mascara Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 It's quite simple. STOP being a coward, and break up with the existing girl before you even think about dating the other one. Your girlfriend does not deserve to be cheated on just because YOU don't have the guts to break up with her.
Author BeyondJay Posted August 12, 2006 Author Posted August 12, 2006 well to give anyone an update who was curious... Tomorrow my girlfriend and I are going to "talk" and I'm am going to either take a serious break or just plain break up. I am worried just because we live together so I don't know how we will handle that and what the living situation will be, especially considering we are both on the lease. I have some tough times ahead but hopefully it will all turn out for the best. Thanks for all the advice and good luck to all of you with what ever issues you may be having. If I learned one thing from here it will be that you need to follow your heart and do what's right for yourself. I will be still coming to the board and checking the post as well as trying to help others so if you have any further suggestions or advice please don't hesitate to post. Thanx, -J
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