Guest Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 I have a problem. I have been with this girl for about 2 years now. We have had many up's and down's but lately it's been getting worse. The problem is basically she is so insecure and needy beyond the normal standard for a woman. The insecurity constantly leads to me reassuring her ALL day long about how it's not true and how if I say one thing wrong at all, she immediately gets needy and insecure and angry and guilts me for about 30 minutes before eventually relenting and saying she needs me and I tell her I need and love her too. This doesn't sound like anything out of the normal for most guys I'm sure, except that this happens in the same format EVERY single day (sometimes multiple times in one day). Sometimes more than once. Lately it's been the same issue all the time. You see, we are on AIM all day long, and I'm usually there and so is she. So we are constantly connected at all times. One of the main issues is that I never get any "me" time without immense guilt. She tells me that she understands that when I'm home I like to do things I like to do, and yet, she expects me to have full fledged conversation with her all day long. If I pause without saying anything in AIM for more than 30 minutes it becomes her insecurity and neediness that I'm not talking to her. And she can't stand to sit there and stare at the screen waiting. Basically, the only time alone that I get is usually crappy because I am guilted into feeling like an ass for not talking to her. Let me give you a basic rundown of a day. I'll wake up and she'll come over and pick me up and we'll go have fun (or more likely I will accompany her while she searches for a job or does some other type of task) and we'll have fun (usually, unless she gets upset about something or I do). As soon as I get home (after about 3-6 hours together), she'll drive to her house (about 10 minutes away), and sign online. She'll IM me and basically I'll have to (and god I don't mean this to sound like a chore) talk to her unable to do anything else because if 30 seconds pass she'll get upset and leave and I'll feel bad. It's kinda like diffusing a bomb. Wasting precious seconds will get your butt fried. It isn't always like this. Just mostly. She doesn't understand that it's normal for guys (or anyone really) to want time alone and be unconnected from the world. To be able to have free time and collect your own thoughts and not feel bad about it. I wish this were the only problem. The next problem is her insecurity. She is upset with how her body looks. Completely. Meaning, that I could tell her a thousand times she is beautiful or that she ISN'T fat even slightly and I've never thought of her as such, and it would be empty to her. She doens't believe herself to be beautiful even though guys pretty much CONSTANTLY stare or holler. She was annorexic years ago but she eventually overcame it. She has once again delved into not eating and losing weight rapidly. She is slightly overweirght but she won't be for long if she continues to not eat. On that same note, if I show any interest in looking, talking to, or even standing close to another woman, she will be upset and it will turn into a fight. I cannot have any female friends because she will get insanely jealous and turn it into a huge issue. My father's girlfriend has a daughter who I have to talk to and be in the same room with a lot. She is jealous and untrusting of this situation despite my inability to do anything about it. I tell her that there is literally NOTHING there and I have no choice but to be in situations with this girl. If we are driving and I look the direction of another girl, she assumes I am looking at the girl (sometimes I do look at other girls as craftily as I can, which I admit, is a pigly thing to do) and it turns into a fight. She has always had bad dreams and will every couple of hours come to the computer in need of me to calm her down. So late at nite when I am awake I stop what I'm doing and calm her and then she'll go back to sleep. The problem, is that all these other problems have been getting worse and worse, and I just feel so numb. We used to be able to talk about anything and now it seems whatever I bring up to talk about is just a fight. And yet, if I don't talk because there is nothing to say that she won't object to, she objects becuase I am not talking. While I still love her with all my heart, on another level I just so desperately want to go back to the level where we can talk and be good friends, and she knows I love her, but I just can't stand the added problems anymore. I am thinking about wanting to just be friends with her again, only I'm not sure it CAN go back to that. I gave up all my friends to be with her, and now I just don't know what to do. I never used to fantasize about other women seriously but I have been lately. I have had tons of thoughts of sex with other women. I feel dirty because of it, but the more and more I think about it, I've barely experienced sex and the thought of forever only having it with her makes me feel like I need more than that. I feel like I don't want to hurt her ever, and yet I can't stand to not be able to want other women. I don't know rightly what to do about this situation. It's something that after 2 years, has become way too complicated with no real happy ending any way you slice it. Advice would be VERY appreciated... thanks.
CrazyJazy Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 hmmm.....well, i think that the reason u crave after other women now is that by her being so clingy, she's forcing you away. I can be clingy with my boyfriend and cry alot sometimes, but if he can't take it anymore then he'll just turn away until i've calmed down.....and most of the time it works, because it reminds me thatif i don't stophe's just going to get angry with me and it'll make things really bad. and in return my bf can be a bit clingy back, so i know what you mean when you say that you can't get any free time to yourself. I found over time that i just had to deal with feeling guilty, because if i didn't get time on my own then i'd go nuts lol. As for how she feels about her body, it's up to you to fix the way she thinks of herself, soz... The thing is that now she's driven you so crazy you want other women, it's making her seem less attractive to you... but here's some time all the same, even though you're worried abouut her not eating so much, don't criticize her body at any time, EVER. Now i know this next thing will cause arguments, but what you should do is what my bf does and whenever i refuse to eat much or eat at all....he'll completely refuse to eat....this may not be much to her or your pleasure, but it might be the kick in the but she needs to remind her that eating properly is very important. One thing i'll critizie you for is when you said "She is slightly overweirght but she won't be for long if she continues to not eat". I hope that you have never said that to her! If you want to encourage her appearance you should tell her all the time she looks wonderful, even if you do find it a bit tiring. Maybe you could buy her a little pressie or take her out shopping? btw....if you go clothes shopping with her, dnt do what my bf does and refuse to give opinion lol, us girls want to know what you like to see on us! My bf always says "u look nice in anything" or "i don't mind if you like it" and i don't care if those things are true or not, i want him to point things out and give a proper opinion, u know? well, hope this helps anyway
Guest Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 I never criticize her body. Ever. I know how sensitive she is about it and I honestly think that she is perfect in however she wants to be. THe only reason I would say "she won't be for long" is because I'm worried about her health, not her looks. She looks wonderful no matter what. It's simply I'm worried she will get sick. That's all. She thinks she is dumb and fat and she is neither of those things and I never criticize her for either... because she is very talented and smart and beautiful, but she just won't accept it even though I say so almost every day. Not every day, but just about. When she goes shopping, I usually do go with her and tell her what I like and what looks good and she always likes my opinions lol, so that's always good. It's just that she is so overly clingy and I don't think it's going to change. We've fought about it so many times and she'll say she'll try but she just regresses not long from then. It's very frustrating. I am not sure what to do since I'm slowly going insane.
Walk Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 I was just pondering insecurity yesterday... Here's my off the wall advice. For me... I have a skewed self-persception. I look in the mirror and see old, wrinkled and fat. Even though people tell me I look early 20's and good looking. My ex complimented me all the time. But because I never saw me as beautiful, then I felt that at any moment he'd see "the real" me and would be disgusted. His compliments were like double edged swords. I had to have more to reassure myself that his "fake" illusion of me was still there. I felt that he must not really see the real me if he thinks I'm beautiful, skinny, etc. I'd twist myself into a knot attempting to look like what I thought he was seeing (which I assumed was brittney spears or something). Because I wasn't beautiful, and if he ever realized it, then he wouldn't love me/want me anymore. In my current relationship, if I'm on one of my insecurity bouts and whine about it, then he usually responds in a way that says I don't have to be beautiful, he loves me anyway. Which is kind of weird that this would help me, but it's like he recognized whatever I'm obsessing about, and he's already decided it doesn't make an ounce of difference in how he feels about me. As though he see's me, warts and all, and still loves me. Another thing that helps me.. my bf always makes comments about skinny girls. Always says "OMG, that girl needs a cake.", "Her mom and dad must never feed her.", "She must not have any money for food, that's soooo sad.." He always says that about any girl skinnier than me. Makes me feel comfortable. I'll never look like those girls (the model look), and he keeps saying he doesn't like how those girls look. So I know I don't have to compete with them. It might do your gf a lot of good if you discussed with her about seeing a counselor to help with her self-esteem. Offer to go with her, and you two could talk with the counselor together for the first time. Help with researching one. If you were successful in getting her to actually go and she's open to try... you could potentially save this girl YEARS of torment in her life. It's not a happy feeling to always feel not pretty enough, not good enough, not sexy enough, etc.. It destroys a girls life. Not only her happiness, but she ends up driving away the people who love her for her. Maybe if you were enthusiastic and upbeat about seeing a counselor and you were able to infect her with that enthusiasm, you might be able to get her past the negative sterotype of it. You have a lot of influence in her life. She's looking to you right now for validation and emotional support. Don't pawn her off, but channel that need she has to the places that can help her. At this point in time, you are the one who could really make an immense difference in her life... Finding a counselor who can help her work through her issues. Last thought... insecurity feeds off itself. The more you feed into it, the more it grows. It isn't satisfied by a few compliments. The persons ego feels like it has holes in it, and they're always trying to fill them with compliments.. but as soon as the words are spoken, the hole is empty again. Its never enough.. If you do break up with her, or even in discussing the problem with her, let her know that it's not HER you don't like. It's the behavior. A behavior she can change. Tough situation you're in. I feel for you. Having a clingy co-dependent is a lot like being shackled to a boulder. Life loses a lot of its spark.
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