Girlfriends New Friends

[Glebo]

Hey all

 

I'm new here and this is my first post, but i am in serious need of advice.

 

Just a little over a month ago my girlfriend started hanging out with her new group of friends. It seems like overnight she changed completely. Her priorities went from college, work, finding a career. To pimping out her car, having fun, and seeing as much of her friends as she possibly can.

 

For a while i was cool with it, i was couldn't be happier that she found friends of her own. But it got to the point where when her friends call she would drop everything and leave. She would come back saying she has plans for the next 3 days and we can't see eachother.

 

When i raised my concerns with her the response i got was "their my friends, deal with it". So i told her, i don't like this. She can't just leave in the middle of something whenever they call. she responded by saying "i don't take orders from anybody, **** off".

 

As a result we have been constantly arguing back and forth. She has changed completely, she went from this loving, caring, norturing girl to a complete bitch overnight. To save our relationship we agreed to compromises, but later on she told me she only made those compromises to get me to shut up and that she would probably end up breaking them anyways and that i just need to deal with it or leave.

 

The more i speak up about me not liking this, the more she gets pissed off at me.

 

There was an incident that happened a few days ago that has me confused.

 

What happened was one of her friends had called me up and asked me why i had such a problem with her hanging out with him. I told him that it wasn't so much him as it was a certian history between her and somebody else that hes friends with. He counters by saying "yeah i know *recites everything that happened" and its your fault because you didn't listen to her, she should have dumped your sorry ass then you peice of ****". What he recited to me was a huge fight my girlfriend and i had a few years ago, i never told him anything but she definately told him. I felt like he was crossing the line big time by saying that to me but i kept my mouth shut.

 

I talked to my girlfriend about it, and she went into attack mode and started accusing me of instigating a fight with her friend because i am jealous. When i asked her what she thinks of what he said she replies

 

"i agree with him"

 

Because of what happened we nearly broke up. She did say were through, but when i told her that i never said a word back to her friend she says "fine were on a break".

 

I don't understand what happened. I know she needs independance, i never had a problem with her going out with her friends. But i think that spending entire days as well as throughout the night is a bit much. Doing that 2-3 days a week is a bit much. Downright blowing me off to see her friends is a bit much. telling me she's coming over at 5pm and i need to call her at 11pm to see where she's at is a bit much. The fact that she spends almost 6 days a week with her friends and can only come to see me when their working makes me feel like im in the middle.

 

Now were on a break because her friend had said something to me that crossed the line? i don't see what i did wrong, i never said a bad word to him or anything. I listened to him calmy, i never raised my voice or said anything negative to him. I raised my concern with her and now were on a break?

 

I don't get it, and i need help.

[everybody_chill]

How old is this girl?

 

She is placing the value of her friends above you.

 

Now if you try to put a stop to it I bet she is going to tell you that you are possessive, controlling or both. She is sticking around because you are her security blanket. She wants to have cake and eat it too.

 

I had a similar situation once, and it was about a week before i confirmed she cheated.

 

Either way, you probably love the girl but I think she already has her mind made up.

 

Personally, I would break it off, nicely. Chances are about 70% that she will try to come back.

[brightskies]

Sounds like she's passive-aggressively backing out of the relationship. More on the aggressive side. It could be that she's no longer interested, or is seeing someone behind your back. She wants out, but doesn't have the balls to tell you up front.

 

She's not being good to you and she's putting you down in favor of her new friends with no good reason. You don't tell someone that you care about to "fu*k off" when they're looking for some kind of compromise. She turned into someone you don't like and who isn't compatible with you. For whatever reason, she's happy with this new crowd and it's not your place to convince her otherwise. She'll only turn on you more. Let her go. And whatever you do, don't beg for her back.

[Glebo]

there has to be some other way.

 

We have been arguing alot lately and i'll admit i crossed the line a few times. But thats only because the same thing keeps happening and we keep having the same arguments.

 

Thats one of the reasons were on a break, she says she's sick of all the arguments.

[bluechocolate]

....but later on she told me she only made those compromises to get me to shut up and that she would probably end up breaking them anyways and that i just need to deal with it or leave.

 

She has spelt it out for you - there are your choices. Deal with it or leave.

 

I know what I would do.

[vlhs004]

same thing happened to me with my ex . . . she met these new friends at college . . i liked them and though they were cool but she tried to act exactly like them and would put them ahead of me every time and would drop everything to hang out with them and didnt have time for me. . . .it ultimately lead to our breakup . . she said we broke up because i would hang out with her and her friends. .. so it was definetely a bad experience for me

[everybody_chill]

there has to be some other way.

 

We have been arguing alot lately and i'll admit i crossed the line a few times. But thats only because the same thing keeps happening and we keep having the same arguments.

 

Thats one of the reasons were on a break, she says she's sick of all the arguments.

 

Every minute you spend with her is another minute of your life wasted with the wrong person.

 

Dump her, leave her, take the last train out of town. You will find another woman who will put you through just as much misery (but it will be good at first).

[brightskies]

there has to be some other way.

 

We have been arguing alot lately and i'll admit i crossed the line a few times. But thats only because the same thing keeps happening and we keep having the same arguments.

 

Thats one of the reasons were on a break, she says she's sick of all the arguments.

 

The arguments will keep happening because you both want different things: you want to maintain/go back to the old status quo, and she wants drastic changes. You sound like a caring, thoughtful person -- and you deserve similar, not someone with whom you don't see eye-to-eye. A lot of the advice here has been very straightforward to the point of being harsh, but the posters see what you can't or aren't willing to: she is growing apart from you.

 

You need to accept this and let go. If you keep trying to hold onto her against her against her will, she'll behave more and more like a trapped animal. And you'll become disillusioned and bitter. Let her go. If things turn around and you both find your way back to each other on better terms, great. But don't sit around waiting for that to happen and don't pin your hopes on it. Accept that things have changed and let her go. You can't force her to stay the same way and you won't be happy with her the way she is now.

[typical]

hhhrrrmmm..

 

I have a different spin to put on this...

 

She sounds like she might have been harboring some bitter resentment towards you for a long time, prior to meeting her newfound friends.

 

She has changed completely, she went from this loving, caring, norturing girl

 

Who probably felt like she was being used, not appreciated, neglected and wasting her time.

 

It is tough pouring your love, time and energy into someone who didnt return the same sentiments.....Maybe this is where she is coming from? Perhaps she felt neglected by you, and in turn, decided to latch on and branch out to other forms of affection...and she seems so adamant about not letting them go, maybe she was so starved for affection and felt tired of being misunderstood and brushed aside, that she is now clinging desperately to whatever fed her her source of affection while she was at her lowest point. If that is the case, she will fight like a rabid animal to keep this source of affection.

This may not be the case, its just that things rarely progress to this point for no reason at all. I do know that sometimes friends can play a major influence in the decision making process, but what I am questioning, is why her loyalty is so strong for them, that she is behaving almost like a cornered starved cat who is guarding a scrap of vittles with her life, for fear that it might get taken from her.

Think about what made her turn her affection and loyalty so sharply, so severely towards them instead of you.....and to such a degree that you are now the enemy in her mind....

 

Another thing to consider.....could there be a bit of drug usage going on? Could she possibly be strung out on something?

[Glebo]

Well

 

Yesterday we had a talk. She had told me that she just didn't feel happy with me anymore. But she simply didin't know what to do, she didn't know whether to break up with me or to stay together. She thought the feelings would pass if she gave it time.

 

I also ran into an old friend of mine arguing with her about why she hasn't broken up with me yet.

 

She asked me for an extended break, she wants to put our relationship on hold for a few months. I don't want that, it's all or nothing so i brought up the idea of breaking up and she jumped all over it.

 

When i hugged her goodbye, we hugged like strangers. I tried to hold her close and i didn't want to let go, but she "accidently" dropped her smokes and picked them up.

 

I was in tears and she never shed a tear, she never looked me in the eye. When i was going for that one last embrace, that last moment where we are together. The last moment where its just "us", she moved away to change the CD in her car stero.

 

Finally she let me hug her, but she simply patted me on the back while i was holding her close and tight.

 

The hardest thing i have ever done in my entire life was let go, she wasn't happy in the relationship and was feeling unsatisfied... I would have went to hell and back to try to fix things, but breaking up was what she wanted and i love her enough to give it to her.

 

After 4 years, 8 months (9 months tommorow) its over.

 

It hurts so much, i worked so hard to get her. It took me months to win her heart over, and took me even longer than that to gain her trust. We've been through so much together and she was apart of me growing up. I even had a ring hidden in my room so i could pop the question, but she simply lost the love for me.

 

I wish it was otherwise, but i let go. The hardest thing i have ever done in my life was letting go of her when we embraced that last time, stepping out of the car knowing i will never see her again, looking back to see her smiling and waving goodbye as if nothing had changed. Like it was just another day.

 

I wish there was something i could do, i love this girl with all my heart and soul right down to the core of my being. But i know there is nothing i can do, and i know that calling her to try to win her back would be a mistake.

 

If we were meant to be, than she will come back. But i don't know if i would be willing to take her back...

[TheSilentType]

Drop her and move on! I would never accept that behavior from a girlfriend. It sounds like you guys are on unequal terms in this relationship.