Dating Divorced Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 I am 28 years old and have been dating a recently divorced 32 year old guy. He was married for 3.5 years and has been separated about 8 months and divorced only about 4 months. He says he has been through his "party" stage and has done everything from one date to a 3 month relationship in this time. (He claims that relationship was his rebound) He is very open about his past divorce and what happened. He is also very open about his feelings for me. We have been dating a little over a month and recently became "exclusive". I REALLY like this guy and potentially see myself in a long term realtionship with him....maybe even married to him. He is amazing....but I am VERY scared due to his recent divorce. He says he is ready and wants a long term relationship. He says he is not "jaded" and believes in love and wants to be married again and have a family etc. He seems to be pretty grounded and has been to counseling which he said was very helpful. Regardless, I am scared of being his transitional woman, probably because I do like him so much. I've heard of some "red flags" I should look out for such as: Have you met his friends? Yes, friends and coworkers. Does he tell his family about you? Yes. Will probably meet them soon. How often does he call/see you? We speak daily and see each other about 5 days per week. Talks about his ex? Sometimes. Usually only when I ask, but sometimes he brings her up on his own. Does he complain about his ex? No. Does he want me to feel bad for him? Pity? No. I dont want to be his transitional woman. How do I know if he's really ready?
crazy_grl Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Well I could be wrong, but I'd think you should just go slow and not try to rush into anything. Don't invest your emotions too fast when you're unsure. Maybe it's because I'm still young, but to me 1 month seems to be pretty soon to start thinking marriage. If you take it slow, you'll be able to get a better feel for whether he's ready for a real relationship or not.
GuySimple Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 I agree with crazy girl. Being a guy in the same situation and dating someone I can tell you that there are days when I could very easily leave the relationship and there are days when I see it being long term. My point is that he is fresh out of a failed relationship so don't expect too much. While some people newly out of a relationship do kind of do the crazy "party" thing, but it is anything but the type of party I think you are thinking of. It is a way to forget, get anger out, or get self-esteem back if you are hurt. I have heard people make the comment regarding “rebound” relationships after a failed marriage. I kind of chuckle as personally I don’t think this simple analogy applies to relationships following a marriage. People generally expect to be married for life. They make serious plans and establish a level of expected commitment that is significantly different than other relationships. When these relationships fail there is a huge sense of loss that takes a long time to heal. In many cases it is not the loss of what the two people had but rather the loss of the future expectations and life plan. I am a believer that separated/divorced people make great companions because they should know all about how relationships fail and/or what goes wrong. However, there is a tendency for many to want to jump back in to a serious relationship well before they are ready. While there may be the temptation on your part to speed things up, if you want it to last, take it slow and keep a level head. I am not sure of his exact situation with respect to the timing of the separation/divorce but in most jurisdictions you have to wait a year until you can file for divorce. The only two ways you don't have to wait include abuse and adultery. Obviously the abuse needs no explanation. If it was adultery you may want to know this. If he was the “adultee” he may still have some issues to work out after only a year. If he was the adulterer you may want to know that as well. Bottom line, one month for a separated/newly divorced, actively dating man is not very long. Certainly not long enough to be talking about long term.
dgiirl Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 You are talking marriage after only a month?? Woah!! That's a HUGE red flag to me. You both are still in that infatuation phase where the other can do no wrong. You dont start getting to know someone until about 3-6 months, and most relationships break up between 6-12 months. So to plan a marriage so soon, is highly risky. You barely know the person. Why does he want to rush into marriage again? If you really love each other and are commited to each other, what is marriage going to change? Read up on the statistics for second time marriages. It's even higher than first time marriages, and most of that is because people just rush back into marriage. They just want to get back on that "plan" they had for life, and they dont take time to actually analyze that plan and who would be a good partner to make it with. Even if he wasnt newly divorced, marriage talk after one month would still be a huge flag to me.
alphamale Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 We have been dating a little over a month and recently became "exclusive". Exclusive after only 4 weeks?
Gunny376 Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Married for 12 Separated for 1 (and I mean separated. Me? Overseas Her? Stateside) Got divorced at 33 Meet last LTR GF With her for six and half years Yea! She was my re-bound relationship. It depends upon the relative maturing of each individual, and if any and all (or as much of them as possible) have been satisfactorly resolved. Especially any and al emotinal issues.
elle71278 Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 OK...so I guess I made it sound like we were already talking about getting married. NO....that is not the case, AT ALL. I guess the reason I said I see him as marriage potential is because I am a VERY picky girl and have been single for about a year and a half and not really met anyone I consider marriage material. That is all............ I can tell within the first month of dating someone if it has long term potential and if it doesn't I cut it off right away...I guess I'm just getting ahead of myself by freaking out about this since I can "SEE" the long term potential in the FUTURE. After reading these posts I'm definitely going to try to take things slow.....it's hard to do that though when we enjoy spending time with each other. We talk daily and see each other often but if by taking it slowly you mean don't move in together and don't get engaged or bring him home to meet the family then I think I'm OK. No plans of any of that for a very long time.... Sorry for the confusion and thanks for the advice. I guess I'm just freaked out since he's the first divorced guy I have dated. More freaked out since I actually like him and I'm scared that his timing is going to mess things up.
elle71278 Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 No abuse...no adultery.....she fell out of love with him.
Recommended Posts