Just Separated! Need Feedback.

[rosalia]

Hello! I am new here and newly separated...1 week. This seems like a good place to get opinions, so I decided to register and post, in order to hear what others think of the situation.

 

First of all, my husband and I were married for 5 years and we have two kids together. Neither one of us ever cheated on each other or used drugs / alcohol during that time. The reason we separated is because my husband has been a compulsive liar from 6 months into our marriage.

 

The problem mainly is within the dishonesty / financial spectrum, as he goes on lavish spending sprees and has depleated most of our joint funds. Not only that but he went from earning over $50,000 last year to earning $0 this year because he is so depressed that he doesn't even work half the time...just enough to purchase supplies and pay his help, as he is self employed.

 

He, also, has stolen my credit cards that had zero balances and run up $15,000 of debt, as well as taken out loans and pawned things. (He swears he is not on drugs and doesn't appear to be.) Several similar things have happened, as well, and are too numerous to mention here.

 

Anyway, I handle the paying of the bills. And I always tell him to not touch the account because the money is already accounted for (in bills). However, over the last few months, he has taken out that money and we have gotten behind on our mortgage, as well as numerous other bills. Since he is off limits (by his choice) to checks and ATM cards, he goes and withdraws in person from the bank.

 

Things got so bad that we had to file bankruptcy. And now we cannot even make that payment. How terrible!!

 

Most recently, I went on a business trip. He was suicidal before I left, but I had to go because I couldn't take it anymore. I called the hospital, mental health and a few friends and let them know about the situation.

 

Before I went on my trip I told him, "DO NOT TOUCH THE BANK ACCOUNT BECAUSE I HAVE JUST ENOUGH MONEY IN THERE TO PAY THE ELECTRIC BILL." Well, guess what I recieved in the mail when I returned?! A NSF letter from my bank because he withdrew the funds. (That makes nearly 10 NSF in the last month because of this same scenario!)

 

If that wasn't bad enough, as he has done that many times...this time he entered my parents home and stole my dad's guitar and pawned it. I was furious. He had already borrowed money from my dad and not paid him back. I wanted him to be arrested, but my dad didn't want to press charges.

 

I told him he had to get out! I am sick of all of this burden. It has ruined our relationship. I really don't want to be married to him anymore...besides we have nothing in common, but I would have stayed miserably married, if he hadn't BETRAYED me and my family.

 

In the course of this last week, he was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, formerly manic depression. I understand that what he has done are symptoms of the disorder. However, I do not want to put myself back in the marriage and risk more hurt in the future.

 

The issue, in my opinion, is not MONEY and is not the BIPOLAR...the issue is mistrust and the feeling of betrayal...that is why I want to separate.

 

I am content separating and filing for divorce...obviously, he wants another chance...again (eventhough this is our first separation). Now, I am just wanting your feedback. Thanks in advance!

[Gunny376]

Thank you! Thank you for re-minding me why I'm still single!

 

Whenever I get to feeling sorry for myself, I just watch Jerry Springer, Cheaters, and Divorce Court, and come to LS.

 

There's no quick fix for his "issues" and its not within his capacity to just "change" his behavior. Notwithout cousneling and medication ~ and gettting and staying on the medication.

[rosalia]

I appreciate your comments. He is seeking help at mental health and is going to be starting on meds at the end of August (at his next appointment). Nevertheless, right is right and wrong is wrong, regardless of the mental situation...in my opinion.

 

So, am I justifiable in saying that I want a divorce?

[Guest]

but I would have stayed miserably married, if he hadn't BETRAYED me and my family.

 

Sista, sista. Life is short, enjoy it. With a loser you can only loose.

[Gunny376]

and can stand. Its sounds as though your seeking validation for a decision that you've already made?

 

Its sounds as though your don't want another five years of this! Let alone 10, 15, 20.

 

Its sounds as though you feel betrayed!

 

Its sounds as though you want "out"

 

Its sounds as though you need to learn how to fall out of love!

[rosalia]

and can stand. Its sounds as though your seeking validation for a decision that you've already made?

 

Its sounds as though your don't want another five years of this! Let alone 10, 15, 20.

 

Its sounds as though you feel betrayed!

 

Its sounds as though you want "out"

 

Its sounds as though you need to learn how to fall out of love!

 

Yes, I am seeking validation. All I have ever wanted to do is that which is 'right'.

 

I do feel terribly betrayed...it is so painful!!!

 

Everytime I think about the situation I want out!

 

As for falling out of love...that is easy for me, but hard for him...he keeps coming to the house and hanging around like a sick puppy.

 

All I know is that my heart hearts and I don't want to be in that situation where it can get hurt anymore! My only problem is that I hate hurting people's feelings...but I guess I need to suck it up and go through with it; otherwise, I'll be miserable forever!

 

Thanks, again!!!

[Gunny376]

And, all I heard from your post was Popeye saying, "I've stood all I can stand until I can't stand no more!"

 

Its easy to get lost up in all of this business ~ and we all tend to forget that dumping someone else can be just as hard as being dumped sometimes.

 

I've known folks that were bi-polar, drunks, and alkies ~ but you know what? They weren't necessarly immoral, un-ethical, nor used their problem as an excuse.

[Mz. Pixie]

In the course of this last week, he was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, formerly manic depression. I understand that what he has done are symptoms of the disorder. However, I do not want to put myself back in the marriage and risk more hurt in the future.

 

The issue, in my opinion, is not MONEY and is not the BIPOLAR...the issue is mistrust and the feeling of betrayal...that is why I want to separate.

 

I am content separating and filing for divorce...obviously, he wants another chance...again (eventhough this is our first separation). Now, I am just wanting your feedback. Thanks in advance!

 

When I was reading your post I thought to myself "The guy has bipolar type I" if he's not on drugs. Low and behold you said this at the bottom.

 

Someone close to me has bipolar disorder type II. So I bought a book recently to read about the disorder. Type II is the milder form. Yet everything I read in the book says that people with Type I do these kinds of things.

 

He cannot help himself. It's not a thing he can control. Please educate yourself about bipolar disorder before you decide to leave him. At least for your kids sake. It's like someone who cannot regulate their body temp- he cannot regulate his mood temp.

 

I'm not telling you to stay, but I am telling you not to take it personally because he honestly cannot help it if he's bipolar. Would you leave him if he had cancer or diabetes?? This is the same thing hon. I know it doesn't make it easier for you to deal with- and it doesn't keep it from hurting but this is the truth.

 

There are lots of good books out there about the disorder. Go to half.com and google bipolar. You can get books there less than half of what they cost in the store.

 

The road is long and hard to control bipolar. You may not be able to endure it. It will require him staying on his meds- and finding meds that work for him. But he will be able to hopefully live a normal life providing that he does those things. The problem with people who are bipolar is that they often times believe they don't need treatment- because they miss the mania or the high- and they will quit taking their meds to get the highs.

 

Many famous writers and artists have been bipolar- including Vincent Van Gogh and Ernest Hemmingway.

 

I completely understand why you are fed up- but please educate yourself about the disorder. Perhaps the docs where he is can help you in that way??

[Gunny376]

Damn, if you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Gave me something to think about today.

[Mz. Pixie]

Damn, if you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Gave me something to think about today.

 

Ha!!! See how a little blonde girl from the South can teach a big ole burly marine like you a thing or two??

 

Seriously, if you google it you can read about some of the things that they do. It's not a cop out- it's out of their control.

[rosalia]

Seriously, if you google it you can read about some of the things that they do. It's not a cop out- it's out of their control.

 

Thank you for your posts. I definitely understand that it is an illness, much like a physical illness, such as cancer. And I am learning all that I can about this...I just don't think I can stand round 100 of these episodes. It has been hell.

 

We are both seeking counseling through our church, through psychologists and through mental health physicians. Nevertheless, my heart is hardened.

[rosalia]

I've known folks that were bi-polar, drunks, and alkies ~ but you know what? They weren't necessarly immoral, un-ethical, nor used their problem as an excuse.

 

Precisely! I agree with you 100%.

 

The issue here is not the mere fact that he has a severe case of bipolar. The point is that he has committed crimes...fraud and theft, to be exact (and I should have had him arrested).

 

And the fact of the matter is that it's wrong, I've been betrayed and I hurt badly! Although, yes, I do feel sorry for him and hope he gets his life together. However, the hurt greatly out ways the feeling-sorry...so, I will probably followthrough with separation papers at the end of the month.

 

Thanks, again!

[Gunny376]

That when a woman talks the talk that your talking and have been since you've come to this borad ~ you know what? Its over!

 

But, you knew that before you ever came here, did you not?

[destination_unknown]

What about waiting & seeing how he responds to meds? I have a number of friends who suffer from bi-polar who are very attentive friends and caring ethical people, however they do / say things that they have little control over when they are having a manic episode. It is very hard to be married to somebody with bi-polar but he hasn't had a chance to try medication to correct this imbalance yet.

 

Do you still love your husband?

[Gunny376]

What about waiting & seeing how he responds to meds? I have a number of friends who suffer from bi-polar who are very attentive friends and caring ethical people, however they do / say things that they have little control over when they are having a manic episode. It is very hard to be married to somebody with bi-polar but he hasn't had a chance to try medication to correct this imbalance yet.

 

Do you still love your husband?

 

Definately worth taking into consideration. I've got a Bud I work with who's a diabetic. His sugar dropped, and this good looking woman walked through the lab at about the same time, and he yelled out at her, "I want to go home with HER!" She blushed from embarressment, and hurried down the hallway.

 

G's been married to the same woman for over thirty years, and for him to say that is very much out of context and characther. We all know to look out for him, and keep a supply of OJ in the fridge. It doesn't happen a lot ~ but often enough.

 

But, of course we kid him about it!

[Ladyjane14]

I was just posting to another thread on something similar. So, I'll say it here again. I'm not a professional, but I believe that the world will NOT adapt to the psychiatric patient, rather the patient must adapt to the world if s/he's going to be successful in living in it.

 

In your case, Rosalia... you've probably vowed "in sickness and in health", so that makes the waters a bit murky. But still, I don't think you should sacrifice yourself and your family on the alter of this guy's dysfunction. He's going to have to work VERY HARD to overcome his disease, and you can't do it for him. He's going to have to want it, and he's going to have to stay with it for the rest of his life.

 

I see you in a position to set a standard here, to place a value on yourself and your family. For this bi-polar man to NOT have control over his disease makes him unacceptable as a member of your family, because you and your babies deserve better.

 

There's nothing saying that you can't revise your decision if he ever proves himself capable of doing what he needs to do in order to stay well. If you've never met a 'bi-polar' who's in good control of their disease, it's hard to imagine just how 'normal' they can be. But... it takes dedication in maintaining a solid work ethic to stay that way.

 

If I were you, I'd probably proceed with legal separation, and due to his history of suicidal tendancies, I would disallow unsupervised visitation with the children. Of course, I would try to be supportive of him getting the help he needs, but all in all, I think I'd set the goal-line for him in a way that he knows what's expected of him.

[destination_unknown]

I kinda agree with LadyJane, but I would more so if your husband had known about his illness & had been treated already and was still unable to overcome the mania/depression. But just as food for thought, sometimes people can get very close to overcoming something, but give up just before they reach it and they miss out on so very much.

 

Certainly, you must protect yourself and your children, I've seen first hand the devastation that bi-polar can cause to families. (A friend I had with bi-polar, an amazing spirit, orphaned his two very young children who he loved so much). But don't rule out the possibility that your husband could be able to manage his disease with treatment and determination. It is a very tough position you are in. I hope your husband gets quality treatment, because this will not have been a picnic for him either and he too has a very tough journey ahead to defeat his bi-polar.

[Mz. Pixie]

For this bi-polar man to NOT have control over his disease makes him unacceptable as a member of your family, because you and your babies deserve better.

 

 

I'm going to do something rare here LJ- which is disagree with you!

 

First of all, he just found out that he's bipolar. It takes an average of 10 years for someone with bipolar disorder to get the correct diagnosis because the disease can mask as so many other things- depression, anxiety, personality disorders etc. It's not like he knew about it and just decided to go off his medicine, he just found out himself. He can hardly be expected to have control over it when he just found out.

 

They both just found out, and this is something that for some people takes years to adjust to. The stigma is terrible, not to mention finding the meds that work- learning how to adjust your lives etc.

 

The fact is, LJ- if this man had cancer you guys would be horrified that she's thinking of leaving him. It's basically the same thing- he cannot help it. He didn't ask for it- and I'm sure wishes like hell he didn't have it.

 

If it were me, I'd give him one more shot. I'd put the following requirements on me working things out with him.

 

1. We live separately while he undergoes his treatment and is stable on meds.

 

2. Once he's stable on meds he is to continue to take them. If he ever once decides to get off the meds and I find out that would be it.

 

3. He has no access to any type of bank accounts or credit cards. That would require the OP to pass out money to him and for him to give an account of the money to her. He's on no checking accounts, he's on no credit cards, period. This actually would have been something I'd have done way before now.

 

4. He continues in therapy- and you both see individual counselors.

 

 

It's going to be hard enough for him to come to terms with his illness right now at all, much less without the support of his spouse and his children. To even think about taking them away from him at this point is heartless and cruel- unless he has shown himself to be violent towards them.

 

R- I don't want you to think I'm being harsh with you. I really can't imagine what you're going through and i know it's terrible. You have been hurt, and you're still in shock somewhat I'm sure for everything he's done. Yes, he has committed crimes when he was manic-and I understand you're tired and frustrated. He should have gone to jail yes- but truthfully in jail they wouldn't have been able to find out what's wrong with him.

 

Wouldn't it be worth it to give him another shot once he's stable for the sake of your kids? You may be surprised at how the old guy you married returns once he's medicated.

 

Lots of people suffer from bipolar disorder and you'd be hard pressed to know if it's your pediatrician, your babysitter, or your preacher unless they tell you. It's carefully managed with the medication and they can lead normal lives if they are willing to put in the work required.

[rosalia]

Thank you, LadyJane, DestinationUnkown and Mz Pixie. I appreciate everyone's time and consideration.

 

At this time, I am going to continue with the separation and draw up papers. In the meantime, I am going to continue with counseling through church and privately.

 

Right now, the hurt overshadows any love or committment that I once felt. I believe our marriage is over. Nevertheless, I think both of us will be better people because of this. I believe he can get meds and help; and I can live peacefully.

 

I'll keep you all posted. Thanks, again! You are all so kind!

[Flutterby74]

A marriage should be a partnership. Two people working together. He has been working against you and bringing you down and that is very unhealthy. I would get out and get out fast. Let him get treatment for the bipolar. Once he is better and he can work on building his trust again and you can reevaluate your relationship.

[Mz. Pixie]

Flutter- you obviously have no knowledge of bipolar disorder.

 

Rosalie, I was reading in my book last night "Do not think that this is under this person's control-it's not. The only thing that they can control is whether or not they are taking their medication, getting therapy, reducing stress in their lives and trying to manage their disease"

[Flutterby74]

I do have knowledge of it.

My ex has it as well as an addiction to prescription drugs. Because he has an illness, I am not obligated to destroy MY life. I begged and pleaded with him to get help. After 3 marriage counselors suggested I leave, I did just that. If he is not willing to help himself, I am not willing to continue to try to help him. There is no reason I have to be verbally and emotionally abused for over 7 years and continue to be treated that way just because he is bipolar.

Unless OP's husband will seek help, I don't believe she should make her life miserable, too.

[Mz. Pixie]

I do have knowledge of it.

My ex has it as well as an addiction to prescription drugs. Because he has an illness, I am not obligated to destroy MY life. I begged and pleaded with him to get help. After 3 marriage counselors suggested I leave, I did just that. If he is not willing to help himself, I am not willing to continue to try to help him. There is no reason I have to be verbally and emotionally abused for over 7 years and continue to be treated that way just because he is bipolar.

Unless OP's husband will seek help, I don't believe she should make her life miserable, too.

 

Of course not, but in your situation, your partner didn't get help. This person's H has finally gotten the correct help. In fact he just got told he was bipolar and is getting treatment and therapy. Before no one seemed to know what the problem was.

 

That is the only reason why I suggested that she give it one more shot.

 

Did you guys have kids and a mortgage?? That's another reason why I suggested she try to work it out for the kids sake. She certainly should not put up with abuse and especially substance abuse, IMO, but I don't believe bipolar is something that he can just snap "control". At least this guy is trying right now to save his family.

[Gunny376]

I'm out of this because

 

D answser! All of the above.

 

You've got good solid points!

 

Nail + hammer!

 

And I projecting too much of my own life onto this post!

[rosalia]

I'm out of this because

 

D answser! All of the above.

 

You've got good solid points!

 

Nail + hammer!

 

And I projecting too much of my own life onto this post!

 

Thanks, Gunny! And thanks, everyone!

 

Opinions are like noses...everybody has one. It is wonderful to see different views on Separation and Divorce, especially in my particular case.

 

I appreciate everyone taking time to answer this post. Thank you very much!

 

My husband and I will remain separated and will both seek counseling. In the meantime, I will quit homeschooling and send my kids to school, as well as seek a full-time job (and keep the two part-time ones that I have). Also, I will draw up separation papers.

 

Hopefully, somewhere in all of this some healing can take place. I'm not that compassionate of a person and I don't think I could ever be married to him, again. I'm ready to move on. Life is too short to be miserable!

 

Thanks, again!!