SUMMER 1969 Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 Whoever has not read my other posts let me explain... Well, I was dating a man for a year.. He lived an hour and a half away from me.. Everyday we would talk on the phone and every week we would take turns driving to see the other.. About 3 weeks ago I asked him how he felt about me.. he told me he was not falling in love with me and that was that.. Afew days after that we talked and he wanted to see me, I drive to his house and asked him were we were at with one another.. He told me that he wants to take things one day at a time.. Well, I went on a week vaction and thought about a lot of things.. So when I got home he called me and wanted to get together... I drove to his house and we had sex, I stayed over night at his house and when we woke up we went and got food together, on our way back to his I asked him if i was just a fuc_ toy to him.. He told me that he cares for me, but was not in love with me and if I can deal with that great... So I asked him if he really expected me to sit around and have sex with him and be okay with him looking elseware.. He just sat there.. So I left his house.. When I got home I called him and told him that he was a complete ass and he did nothing but toy around with me.. He told me that he did not want to hurt me and he was sorry.. Whatever! I guess I am just pissed off right now and I don't understand how in the hell he could do this to me! I am not even sad I am beyond mad! He is 33 and I am 29, I am not into the games, but I guess he is.. He also told me that these things happen everyday.. I asked him if if I get playfull I guess I can always call him, he told me to see how I was feeling first.. I guess I wanted to see his reaction.. He told me I would date again and so would he and more then likely I would get hurt again.. I guess I am writing my story down to tell everyone on this website that if you are with a man or a woman, make sure that you do not stay with that person more then a few months if you don't feel anything for your partner.. As far as me, well I hate the damn world! I am beyond mad and dissappointed in myself for letting this have happened. Good luck to you all, and thanks for listening to me
superconductor Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 He is 33 and I am 29, I am not into the games, but I guess he is... Sorry to hear that you're mad at the world, summer. Trust me on this; the world is a complex place, but only in some cases is anger an appropriate response. I don't think he was playing games, though. From what you've written, he seemed pretty clear that he wasn't in love. A game player would have told you whatever it was you needed to hear so he'd have access to you between the sheets whenever it pleased him. In this case, it wasn't that he was playing games. He was actually honest.
norajane Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Oh, jeez, my SO has a friend like that. He dates women for long periods of time without ever falling in love, but stays with them anyway because he likes the person and he likes the sex. He has no intention of ever ending up with the girl, but he doesn't break up with her either, because he's having fun and enjoying her company, and the sex. Relationships end when, like you, the women finally figure it out, or he meets a new woman who interests him. He never falls in love, though, and never gets his heart broken. I'm sorry you had to be with a guy like that; be happy that it didn't take you 2 or 3 years to figure out what's going on.
Author SUMMER 1969 Posted August 9, 2006 Author Posted August 9, 2006 Well I feel he did play games with me.. When we first started to date he told me that he did not want a girlfriend, but wanted me to only sleep with him and he would only sleep with me.. Okay, i let that go on for a few months, up until one night I was at his house sleeping and he woke up to let me dog outside to go to the bathroom... when he walked back in the house another girl came into... Well, to make a long story short he cheated on me and told me he was so sorry, blah blah blah, how he cared about me and only wanted to be with me and this would never happen again.. Hell, he even told me to move in with him... I did not move in with him.. I own my own house and so does he and I was not ready to jump head first into this.. Well, we agreed that we would be boyfriend/girlfriend and see were we could go in life together.. Well, after 8 months I asked him how he felt and told me he does not love me.. Well, in my eyes he played games with me.. I am 29 going on 30 in a few months and he is 33 going on 34 in a few months.. So.. can you please explain to me how this could have happened? How he could just use me for sex with out feeling a damn thing for me???? Please, I am lost and I am 1000% confussed here.. I opened up to him and allowed him into my heart after cheating on me.. I know, my fault for allowing it.. but he was so damn serious about me and I felt that maybe he did care.. I beg you, please help me here, please put things in perspective for me.. Summer
tine_23 Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 I am beyond mad and dissappointed in myself for letting this have happened. I am in the same situation as you are...but my ex told me he loved me and couldn't believe how easy it was between us and that he never had any girl like me before and he wanted to travel and take me to his triathlon and everything (we did go!)... and how happy he was with me...until we had sex...so he's a complete idiot to me now... I guess he was telling me all those things just to get me into bed... man he's a hard worker! ahah...worked for a month before we slept with each other... I also am mad at myself for letting this happen...I feel like an idiot even thought I know he's the jerk!!! it's had cuz I love him and can't stay mad at him for too long everytime he does something bad... he thinks he's mature and all grown up...well he's the one that is still mad because I told him he was stupid and what he did was wrong... and he still won't talk to me when I try to have a cimple conversation when we see each other (we have the same friends)...I have to be strong... Hang on gurl!!! I guess all man are not like that...I hang on to that dream ahah! tine
superconductor Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Maybe I'm missing something here - which is certainly possible, considering I'm only on coffee #2 - but I still fail to see how being honest about his feelings was playing games. What would you have preferred?
LaraV Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Maybe I'm missing something here - which is certainly possible, considering I'm only on coffee #2 - but I still fail to see how being honest about his feelings was playing games. What would you have preferred? I think Summer is talking about the fact that he mentioned he wanted "exclusivity" in this "quasi-relationship" and while she gave him that he didn't (he cheated on her). Having said that, Summer, I do think he was "honest" from the get-go. He said he didn't want a girlfriend - that's the same as saying he didn't want a relationship. I find that there's no reason why a woman should not believe a man when he says that. Don't get me wrong, I understand how you feel, especially because I experienced a very similar situation, but the thing is, he WAS honest. He really didn't want a relationship - and when you start from that premise, well, it makes sense that he didn't "fall" for you. He deliberately kept you at a distance, hence the lack of development of any other feelings. I also don't really get how you can spend such a long time with a person and not develop any feelings, but plenty a man on LS have attested to the fact that it is possible - there's no reason to not believe them. Sometimes, I guess, people either just don't fall in love with someone, or they just decide they won't.
dgiirl Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Summer, although you are hurting, you have to realize that he was honest with you. You started a relationship with a man who told you upfront that he didnt want a girlfriend, just someone to sleep with. You decided it was ok. Why did you accept this? Did you think you could change his mind in time? Then, after a few months, you then ask him again how he feels for you. He told you the truth, he wasnt in love with you, and you decided to still sleep with him after he told you he didnt love you. What were you hoping to accomplish by sleeping with him? You should never need to convince someone to love you. None of this "In time he'll fall for me". You simply waste your time and break your own heart. Believe people when they tell you what they are looking for! You willingly put yourself into a friends with benefits situation, and then get angry because he wont let you change the rules? If you do not want a FWB, then dont allow it from the get go. If you want a relationship, then look for men who WANT a relationship. Not men you have to convince to have a relationship.
Author SUMMER 1969 Posted August 9, 2006 Author Posted August 9, 2006 I think you are misunderstanding me, He told me that he did want a realtionship with me, after we were a item, I assumed he cared.. We were an item for awhile and after sleeping with me and seeing me everyweek, how can you not feel anything for me? I have to say that I did walk face first into this and that is my fault.. I guess I felt that maybe I could get him to fall for me... I guess I thought he did care about me.. We did not fight at all, we laughed all of the time together.. This is just so messed up.. I want to send him this e-mail, can you please tell me what you think before I send it... [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=#800080] [/COLOR][/FONT] Well, I have done a lot of thinking about you or shall I say us.. This is what it boils down to.. My ego is bruised, I think that's why it's hard for me to let go... Maybe I never did love you, maybe its the point of wanting to love again and you just happened to be in my life. What I have to realize is that I don't have to prove anything to you, but in so many ways I want to prove to you that I am good enough, and it bugs me that you don't see me in a different light. This is something I have no control over though, making you love me is one thing in this world that I have absolutely no control, it's a fact of life, so I am going to stop trying. .. All's I can say to you is that I did enjoy our times together and maybe if we fought all of the time maybe I would feel better right now, maybe some of this would make more sense, but again, I have no control over this.. I would like to be friends as I do not hate you, I care about you and thats about it. I wish things were different, but again its life. Anyways, I hope you really understand what is going on here, as when I talk to you, well, you seem like nothing has happened here.. Maybe you have moved on all ready, I don't know All's I do know is that, I did have a lot of fun with you and we have shared a lot of good memories and I don't want to throw it all away.... This is the LAST time this will EVER get brought up again, as I am sick of worring about it, so as of now I am turning my feelings off as I did before.. I just needed to get this off my shoulders, thank you for taking the time to read this.. Do you think this would be a waste of time? I can not even believe I let myself fall for this guy.. I really think it is my ego that is brusied and my self esteem is gone as of this moment.. I guess I am looking for a reaction from him.. What do you think? I never sent the e-mail yet.. Summer
tine_23 Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Hey summer... do you wanna stay friends with this guy cuz maybe inside of you you hope that one day he would fall in love with you...??? Don't you think it would be hard being friends with someone you're still in love with... I am not here to judge cuz I did the same thing....trying to stay friends with my ex which I'm still in love with... it's hard...so I stopped talking to him... So...what are you goals in staying friends with him? tine
LaraV Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Summer - Honestly, I think you should just cut your losses and walk away. Don't send that e-mail. Why bother being friends? What will you get from it? A friendship with someone who didn't think you were someone he wanted something serious with? That's kind of harsh don't you think? To have a friendship imbued with that little fact permeating around all the time....
dgiirl Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Summer, I'm sure he cares for you on some level. Just not the level you want or need. What is the reaction you are hoping to get from him by writing that email? Be honest and ask if the reason you are writing that letter is because you hope on some level he'll say he made a mistake and loves you? Again, you should not have to convince someone to be with you. I think you'd be better off to let him go and not be friends with him just now. If in a year or two, when you've moved on, you two bump into each other, maybe then you can be friends. But right now? Nope. You're still emotionally invested in him, and he's the only one who gains anything from this situation. You dont have to slam the door close and act out this big dramatic scene of telling him you want NC. Just let things go and let him make the moves. If he values your friendship, he'll call. If not, then you are moving on anyways.
Author SUMMER 1969 Posted August 9, 2006 Author Posted August 9, 2006 Maybe you guys all correct, maybe I am looking for him to tell me he made a mistake and can see himself falling for me.. This is all so hard, maybe I would feel better if I knew he was hurting, but I know he is not hurting, I think that is the biggest probable.. Hell, for all I know last night he could have had another woman at his house.. I just feel sick to my stomach thinking about him so much, its like I am obsessing for this, and I can not control it.. I am not going to send the e-mail, nor will I call him anymore.. Does anyone out there ever feel like no one knows what it feels like to be hurt? I mean, I know people get broken hearts everyday, but for some odd reason I feel like I am alone here... Maybe I am loosing it, I don't know.. I really can not keep myself busy for the fact that I do have a broken foot and can not get around alot.. Man, can someone please help me here? Do I need to go get on some happy pills or something? I Once was on Efexor and when I was on it, I was very non emotional.. I got off the pills cuz I did not think I needed them anymore.. Maybe I do.. Please someone help me..
Marquis-de-Carabas Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 People do get their hearts broken every day, and yes, they feel like you do. It feels like someone took a big ol knife and stuck it in your heart and started twisting it around. Problem is, they never took it out either. Believe me, that pain will be around for a while, BUT it will start feeling less and less with each day. Around the time you start feeling it half as bad, you'll start seeing the relationship in a new light. Those things that you didn't see before as indicators of a bad relationship will be there. Give yourself time to grieve. Talk to a professional if you have to. Write all that pain in a journal may be helpful also. Other's have been there, including me, and can tell you that you will live through it. On hindsight, the relationship was bad from what you've said. You've been used and you're hurt about that. Take a good, hard look at that situation in about six months and think about how you want your next relationship to be. Don't even try to think about it until then! Big Hugs!!
Author SUMMER 1969 Posted August 9, 2006 Author Posted August 9, 2006 Yeah, I understand what you are saying... I just keep sitting here woundering if he is with someone else already.. I know I should not think that way, but I do.. I know that if he wants to be with someone else already then he never cared about me in the least bit.. And in my heart I know he does not care about me... I was used as a piece of ass and thats it.. Its funny, I can say what is going on here, but I can not grasp it in my head or in my heart for some reason.. I know that my ego is shot and my self-esteem is hurt, I think that is what my big problem is here.. I miss him already, The sex was great, I could lay next to him and just be 90% happy with him.. As I am typing this all out, It makes me realize that maybe I am just scared to be alone again.. I never really had him in the first place, so why is it that I feel so ****ty?
norajane Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Does anyone out there ever feel like no one knows what it feels like to be hurt? I mean, I know people get broken hearts everyday, but for some odd reason I feel like I am alone here... Have you read any of the threads on this board? Plenty of people are feeling exactly as you do right now. Read a little and you'll see. Try the Breaking Up, or Coping forums first.
Author SUMMER 1969 Posted August 9, 2006 Author Posted August 9, 2006 I hear what you are saying and I understand that people are hurting as well as I am.. I guess I am just messed up right now.. I just feel 100% lost
tine_23 Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Hey Summer! Maybe you never really had him but you felt like you did...you know?...You thought you were going somewhere with this guy...I know it's hard! I'm going throught the same thing as you...I broke up with my ex 1 month ago...my ex did say he loved me...but started acting weird once we had sex... he was less affectionnate and didn't share his feelings as much... I know exactly how you feel when you say that you feel sick in your stomach when you think about him... I'm scared as hell just to think that I might run into him somewhere and that he might be with another girl...My god I think I would want to die right there!... Let's change the subject!!! My guy was all nice and kept telling my how happy he was with me ans then BAM! he's sooooo distant...I still don't understand why and I think I never will...maybe he freaked out...It's weird but I so wish that he freaked out because he had never loved that much before...that is what he told me...he had never loved someone as much as me before... Gurl...I feel your pain!!! But let's not let stupid man ruin the fun we can have... you know the time we spend being sad and mad is time taht we lose and that we could have been sooo happy!....and laugh and go out and stuff like that... Hey you can't get out because of you leg...well...maybe there are some activities that can come to you...get a home massage...or maybe they can do pedicure or manicure at home... I don't know!...treat yourself goood!!! tine
LaraV Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 I hear what you are saying and I understand that people are hurting as well as I am.. I guess I am just messed up right now.. I just feel 100% lost Summer - I know I can't say that I know what you're going through. Grief is such an individual thing, that no one really knows what another person is feeling. I can, however, imagine how bad you must be feeling. From having a very similar experience to yours - where the guy just never "fell" for me, I can understand the plethora of emotions you must be experiencing. There is the blatant anger toward oneself for being so naive and yes - SO stupid - to put oneself through such an ordeal. I know that when I think about my situation, I think that if it had been a friend of mine going through the same thing I would have told her that she was losing her time. Funny how things somehow seem different when you're the protagonist in your own little story. Then there is that sense of betrayed trust - that you made yourself so open and so vulnerable to someone else, and that someone else just couldn't reciprocate. There is injured ego, of course, that in its own capricious way just can't understand how it is that someone didn't think it was so special. Then there is the agonizing pain of losing someone you love. And the list of emotions goes on and on, but I find that those are the one that give me the most grief. As I've noted elsewhere before, I guess the sad truth about unrequited love is that there really isn't anything too noble or heroic in loving someone who doesn't love you in return. In many ways, I feel that it's worse than having an actual "relationship" with someone where there was mutual love (at least at some point), but then, for other reasons, those feelings changed. When love never formed, it almost seems like all was in vain; that you can't even have the *sweet* memories of those instances in which they did love you. Unrequited love/one-sided relationships are so very painful. I'm still grappling with my situation, which is only two months old, and to tell you the truth, I still can't make much sense of it. What I can tell you is that being in NC with my ex has done much to help me regain my footing in my life. I strongly suggest you do the same. You will find that you at least get the breathing room necessary to sort yourself out. A person that never loved you will most likely not make a good friend. Imagine all the work the "relationship" took when you were sort of a "quasi" item. Can you imagine the painfully hard work that would go into maintaining a friendship with someone who didn't even love you when he was "with you"? It's just not worth it, and most importantly, it's not dignant. Value yoursel and walk away with dignity. You have much to offer someone else who will reciprocate your feelings. Don't sell yourself short, and certainly don't offer your friendship to someone who never managed to at least make himself vulnerable enough with you to at least open up himself up to the possibility of love.
tine_23 Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 What's the point of playing with the words...COME ON!!! Griefing may be different for every one but some of the emotions we feel are pretty much the same...!! tine
Author SUMMER 1969 Posted August 10, 2006 Author Posted August 10, 2006 Laura, You are so correct in ever word you said.. The problem I am having is that he keeps calling me, and acts like nothing has happened here... While I am sitting home crying he is out living his life.. I have done a lot of thinking alone, on this website, with friends and family, and I came to the decison that I am going to start the no contact.. He called me this afternoon to tell me that he was going to work and he would be up all night, I told him I would call him later, but I do not plan on calling him or taking anymore of his calls... For Once he will feel what I am feeling, meaning, what is going on here, why won't she talk to me, has she moved on.. If we are meant to be and just maybe he does realize that he cares about me, well, then we will go from there, as of right now, I guess I still have that hope he will leave me a message telling me that he made a mistake and he misses me.. But I know in my heart that will never happen and if it does it is only because he wants to have sex.. I am better then that and I know this.. For the first time with him I am taking some control and I am not going to talk to him.. I do need my dignity and by talking to him I always seem to feel worse when I get off the phone with him.. Its like when we talk I feel like " okay he is not with anyone and he is thinking of me " but I know deep down he only wants to keep me around for someone to sleep with... I am not going to keep playing the childish games, and One day he will wake up and realize he made a big mistake by letting me go.. I am a great catch and he lost it.. You know, I would not be this upset if we were only dating a few months and then he told me that he was not feeling anything for me, but to wait a year??? That is just childish.. He never even brought it up to me, I asked him how he felt about me.. Bravo for him for finally being honest with me.. One day he will get hurt, when you hurt someone it always seems to come back at you.. I guess it is better to have loved then not to have loved at all..
Author SUMMER 1969 Posted August 10, 2006 Author Posted August 10, 2006 Okay, I think I am loosing it, I am sitting here at my house wanting to know why he has not called me yet.. I will not take his calls but I just want to know that he does want to talk to me... What is going on here?? Why is this not working? Why do I feel like he is always getting what he wants?? Help, please
superconductor Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 Okay, I think I am loosing it, I am sitting here at my house wanting to know why he has not called me yet.. I will not take his calls but I just want to know that he does want to talk to me... What is going on here?? Why is this not working? Why do I feel like he is always getting what he wants?? Help, please Read this very carefully, because every word counts: He Is Not Interested In You. Got that? So quit pining by the phone.
Author SUMMER 1969 Posted August 10, 2006 Author Posted August 10, 2006 Wow, that hurts, but I know you are telling me the truth... I just need to accept this and for some reason I am having a hard time with it.... How do I just forget about this and move on? How do I stop thinking about him 24/7?? I try to keep myself busy, no matter what I do, or not do, he is always on my mind..
Guest Posted August 13, 2006 Posted August 13, 2006 Whoever has not read my other posts let me explain... Well, I was dating a man for a year.. He lived an hour and a half away from me.. Everyday we would talk on the phone and every week we would take turns driving to see the other.. About 3 weeks ago I asked him how he felt about me.. he told me he was not falling in love with me and that was that.. Afew days after that we talked and he wanted to see me, I drive to his house and asked him were we were at with one another.. He told me that he wants to take things one day at a time.. Well, I went on a week vaction and thought about a lot of things.. So when I got home he called me and wanted to get together... I drove to his house and we had sex, I stayed over night at his house and when we woke up we went and got food together, on our way back to his I asked him if i was just a fuc_ toy to him.. He told me that he cares for me, but was not in love with me and if I can deal with that great... So I asked him if he really expected me to sit around and have sex with him and be okay with him looking elseware.. He just sat there.. So I left his house.. When I got home I called him and told him that he was a complete ass and he did nothing but toy around with me.. He told me that he did not want to hurt me and he was sorry.. Whatever! I guess I am just pissed off right now and I don't understand how in the hell he could do this to me! I am not even sad I am beyond mad! He is 33 and I am 29, I am not into the games, but I guess he is.. He also told me that these things happen everyday.. I asked him if if I get playfull I guess I can always call him, he told me to see how I was feeling first.. I guess I wanted to see his reaction.. He told me I would date again and so would he and more then likely I would get hurt again.. I guess I am writing my story down to tell everyone on this website that if you are with a man or a woman, make sure that you do not stay with that person more then a few months if you don't feel anything for your partner.. As far as me, well I hate the damn world! I am beyond mad and dissappointed in myself for letting this have happened. Good luck to you all, and thanks for listening to me Summer, sorry to hear you are hating the world. You know not all men are bad. With reading some of your other posts it sounds like you are always picking the wrong man. I have learned with some women they love a challenge. Maybe you are one of these women. You stated you don't like playing games but maybe you do. Also maybe you are looking in all the wrong places for the right guy. Maybe the right guy is right in front of your face and you don't realize it. It sounds like you just jumped into a sex relationship with this guy without ever having a friendship. In most cases these relationships never go anywhere. I guess what I am trying to say is take a look around you might be missing out on the right guy and stop dwelling on your ex. Good luck I hope you find what your looking for.
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