How to let go for good

[badwife29]

First of all i dont care if you judge me, I deserve it. I have been married for five years and toward the end of last year I met a guy at work. My H and have always had some problems. He loves attention from other women and tho he hasn't crossed any lines ever it still bothers me that he likes to flirt. He grew up with sisters so he is just more comfortable around women than other men. Most women love him becusae he is a very good listener and he is attractive and smart. So sometimes I feel like he pays more attention to his friends' wives nad girlfriends or to women he just met than to me. He is the type of guy who will strike up a conversation with the cashier at a gas station every time he sees her. ANd not just a hi how are you? She will end up telling him all her problems nad he will soon know that she is divorced/mad at her boyfriend/unhappy at work-something personal.

 

I am 29 years old he is 33 we don't have any kids yet. We wanted to wait till we were more financially secure. we have our own home and both work but we don't have much extra money. Long story much simpler- about eight months ago I started having an affair with a coworker who I Had known for awhile. It started as a purely emotional thing- he admired me, complimented me and wanted to spend alot of time with me. My H works two jobs and is always doing stuff to help other people out so we don't see eacother much.

 

So OM made me feel good. To him I was the only woman in his life. It wasn't about the sex, that came later after about six months of just kissing and cuddling and sneakign off to be together.Sex was just something that eventually happened but it wasnt' the area I was unhappy with my H. OM was single and wanted me to leave my husband to be with him. I seriously considered it but I never did. Our affair went on for about eight months. My H had no idea what was going on. I did feel guility but it was like when I was iwth OM nothing else mattered. Being around OM made me much happier around my H as well and he noticed that I wasn' t fighting iwth him as much. So I never did get caught but one night I was looking at my H and thinking how he doesnt' deserve this (this was about a month ago). I would not want someone to do this to me (i've been cheated on before and it hurts!) and so I told him. I told him pretty much everything-didnt' get into the gory details tho. Of course my H was crushed. he was very angry and then very very sad. We've been to counselng because he decided he wants to owrk this out. I do too. First thing I did was got another job and that was hard because I loved my job. Also I have had No contact with OM since the week after my H decided he wanted to work things out. I thought I was ok iwth this and I won';t contact OM because I don't want to cause either of them more pain.

 

But now even as I try to work this out with my H i find myself thinking of OM and missing some of the things we used to do like crazy. Nothing to do with sex but just how we would watch a movie together at his apartmetn and he would hold me the whole time. After ward we woudl just lay there and kiss and cuddle and talk for hours, the whole time we'd talk OM would be rubbing my back or holding my hand and just focus all of his attention on me. I misst how when we were around his familiy or freinds he would always have his arm around me or be affectionate. Just things that my H doesn't do anymore. I have tried talking to h about how we can improve things and what I need from him (selfish i know after what i did) I am also trying to do things that he finds important. I don't want to hurt my H anymore. I have no plans to do this again because I learned my lesson adn i truly am sorry that I acted like such a piece of ****. But at the same tiem I miss my OM so much. not so much him but just the interactions we had. I miss teh tenderness and the admiration and its so hard because my H practically hates me and of course he can't give me these things and I dont' blame him. for awhile now even before the affair my H always acted bothered if I wanted to cuddle or touch him unless it was for sex. He used to love to just get close but after we were married a few years its like I just became a big annoyance to him. I just dont know how to reconcile with my H when I'm thinking these thoughts. I have NO plans to contact OM becasue I promised my H I won't. But I just want to get rid of these thoughts. is there a way to let go for good.

[MsPiggy]

Hello. I am not married but have been with my boyfriend for 11 years. About a year ago I started to have an emotional affair and the same thing...sex came along eventually.

 

I know EXACTLY how you feel when you say, you look at him like he doesn't deserve the treatment. I look at my boyfriend all the time and hate myself for what I'm doing to him and myself. My boyfriend is the greatest guy ever but we've been missing that affectionate, playfulness I crave. I have tried many times to be the one pushing for it and I end up feeling wayyy worse because he isn't very responsive and makes me feel like I'm just bothering him. When we're together I feel lonely. I've told my boyfriend many timese that it makes me feel bad and I wish he would just pay me more attention and showed some more affection, but he can't/won't seem to do it although he does EVERYTHING and ANYTHING else to make me happy.

 

I have broken it off with the other man many times but just can't seem to let go. I soo desperately need that love and affection that I get from the Other Man. This sounds horrible but it's the Other man that is keeping us together in some weird way. I am happier at home for the most part because I get that affection somewhere else unfortunately. I know if I break up with Other man and I can try my hardest, I won't be able to get what i want/need.

 

I feel it's a lose/lose situation. I feel I can't win no matter what decision I make.

[LakesideDream]

Ladies. No kids, no responsibilities move on! It's time to stop playing house.

 

Miss Piggy, It took awhile but eventually you found out that your faithful husband does not meet your emotional needs. Don't you owe it to him to end it as cleanly as possible so that he can start living a real life.

 

It's not fair to him to pretend to be working it out when you are still emotionally attached to your OM. If you stay it's because you are selfish, want gaurentee's before finally "deciding" to leave on your own.

 

The other man is not "keeping you together in some weird way", your emotional need is. The more you lie to yourself and your husband the easier it will get, and the harder it will be when the breakup comes.