bovious Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 Hi, y'all can call me Bovious. I'm || this close to leaving my wife of 16 years. My heart is breaking over this situation. We have 2 kids, a boy age 13 and a girl, 7. I'll probably be seen venting on here and as things progress also asking for advice. My wife (let's call her Sesame) seems to me to be a real case of arrested development - emotional and otherwise. At age 45, she's stuck in the mindset of about a 15-year-old girl. She'll say anything and make any promise to get me to shut up when I'm asking her for something, and then tell me "It's just a small thing" when she (inevitably) breaks the promise. I'm not talking about forgetting or dropping the ball - I'm talking about a demonstrated lack of willingness to even consider doing what she said she would do. "You're not my father!" The other day she broke another one of her promises. This time I didn't mention it. She systematically broke it for about a week and then the next time we were arguing she threw it in my face - as if I had done something! "I stopped doing that over a week ago and you didn't mention it to me," she said. "Is that why you're so mad?" Bizarre. She says she wants to get a job to "contribute to the family"; I tell her that would probably be good. But, she says, "She won't have her children in childcare. That's wrong." So I tell her I'll be glad to be home while she works other shifts. "I hate those Retail hours." (I would kill for the opportunity she has blown: to stay at home making a comfortable home for our life together and especially for our children. She sees it as "not contributing." Well, of course you're not contributing when you're laying in the bed, now are you?) We've had counselling - years of it - and when she starts down a path that Jim, our counsellor, has warned us is destructive, and I point it out, she says, "Jim's not here." I finally got to the point after nearly 2 years with Jim, our last therapist together, where I said, "Look, we've been over this same ground over and over. I'm frustrated. Jim's frustrated (Jim concurred.) Let's do something different. You take a year, get all the help you need. I have good insurance. Then, let's consider coming back here and continuing our couples counselling." Well, that was about a year ago. She's still living in the same dreamworld she was in then. She's gone through a few counselling sessions, but nothing like a rigorous course of self-knowledge and work. In short, I'm in misery. She sees that as me "being p*ssed off all the time." Even when I tell her I'm in pain and then ask her what she's hearing, she says, "You're just setting it up so that you can leave next time you get p*ssed off." See, I told you I would be venting. I'm determined to do everything possible to keep this together for my kids' sake, but I'm also seeing a point up ahead (getting closer every day) where I have to accept that our being together is more destructive to the kids than our being apart. Thanks.
Ladyjane14 Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 If you've been 2 years with the same counselor and not making progress..... it's time for a new counselor. Perhaps a fresh approach might get you two moving forward again. I'll be honest... I see a bit of criticism towards your wife in your post. It's difficult to keep from making character judgements when you're really frustrated, I know. You might want to read through a copy of Love Busters: Overcoming the Habits That Destroy Romantic Love by Willard F. Harley . It will help you both learn to interact without using: Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, Angry Outbursts, Annoying Habits, Independent Behavior, and Dishonesty. Try reading it together aloud with the TV off or tucked up in bed. You'll have an opportunity to share your thoughts as you read.
Author bovious Posted August 9, 2006 Author Posted August 9, 2006 Thanks, LJ, I'll definitely give that a look.
MagikBOZO Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 hey im going through heartache myself. Just after reading your post it seems like your wife has a lot of growing up to do even at 45. Who did she live with for that year off? Has she always been taking care of by other people? If not how did she support herself? If she has always been pampered then she probably doesnt know what sacrifice is yet. Whatever happens I wish you the best - hang in there its hard trust me I know.
Author bovious Posted August 9, 2006 Author Posted August 9, 2006 Thanks, Bozo we have been together the whole time. We simply took a year off from Jim / couples counselling. I'm taking LadyJane's words to heart since it never occurred to me to think another counsellor might help. I really got a lot out of counselling with Jim and my attitude has been, she must have not been paying attention. But that's judgmental right I have to realize that if Jim didn't get through to her maybe somebody else will. Sorry to hear of your own heartache. I'm new to the forums but I'm sure I'll start learning everyone's stories.
bluechocolate Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Ladyjane's suggestion of a new counsellor is good. Perhaps a woman might be good this time. How does your wife approach counselling? Does she do it 'cause you want to or does she recognise that there are problems & wants to work on them & keep the marriage going? I think you can go to all the couselling & counsellors in the world, but if one partner isn't totally committed then it just ain't gonna work.
Author bovious Posted August 9, 2006 Author Posted August 9, 2006 Ericka, I believe that "change" is in its first stages right about now, yeah. She's been like this since I've known her, though. I'm really looking forward to checking out that book that Jane mentioned. Could be a boon to us all. And BlueChocolate, I've offered to go to a female counsellor so we'll see how that comes out. Thanks for all the replies, support, observations, and advice.
Milf629 Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 I can only say a couple of things............. #1 I saw my mother go through it and she was a raving lunatic for about 10 years (aged 40-50), I wouldn't expect it to let up any time soon. #2 Being a mother of two (aged 3 1/2 and 10 months) I was like that too. During those years, I was stressed out all the time, exhausted all the time, worked a full time job, and had a "full time" home too, not to mention that my husbands motto in life is "how to do EVERYTHING half-assed" but after the birth of my second, it was like OK, I can get back to being a women again instead of a mom, its like mommy mode doesn't have a whole lot of room for wife mode. All that being said I got back to sex with my husband, started taking better care of myself, was a happier person, wore make-up, dressed nice and things were looking up, and then they spiraled downward pretty quickly when my husband got a new "friend" and now we are divorcing. so long as you are looking for books, 5 love languages is also a very good book. for both of you. everyone expresses love differently. This book addresses that, it can also apply to children.
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