My Mother In Law is ruining my marriage! Im so Sad!

[gig]

I got married about 3 months ago, My husband is the only child he's 33 years old, and Im 22, ever since we got married his mother has been living with us. The problem is that at the begining she seemed nice and she still is but things are getting out of hand, she gets into our lives too much, if we stay up late she will complain and remind us to go to sleep, remind us to eat etc... stuff like that she treats her son like a baby! When me and my husband get into an argument she waits till hes gone and tells me that my marriage will never last to even a year! that we should have never gotten married and that just hurts me soooo much inside and gets me all depressed! she made me cry when she told me this and she said " Oh stop being a false person"

I can feel her hate in her eyes toward me!

I have 2 full time jobs, and there are days when I just want to get home and sleep. and she will start saying that Ive changed so much since I got married that I dont talk as much as I use to etc... but how can I be the same with her after all those horrible things she said to me? If only she knew how hurt I am.

Theres days when I get Home and she's washing my husbands clothes! Im his wife not her! I cant even cook because shes already cooking. I dont feel like a wife I feel like Im extra in the house. This doesnt feel like my home. Im soooo sad!

[ConfusedGal]

Hi gig,

 

would you mind me asking what nationality you are?? Issues like this are so much more common in the Asian culture, so just curious.

[norajane]

Where is your husband in all this? Doesn't he have anything to say about how his mother is affecting your lives and your feelings?

[Touche]

Poor thing. You married a momma's boy. You need to tell your H that he must choose you or his mother. You can't live that way as husband and wife. This should have been all discussed BEFORE marriage though.

 

You said she's living in your house right? So it's up to you to stand up to her sometimes. As far as the laundry, could it be she's just trying to help out? I mean you mentioned you're working a lot. But she's still WAY out of line telling you that your marriage won't last. You need to stand up to her and tell her that her comments on your marriage are unwelcomed.

 

Frankly, I don't see how you live with her. That's your house. You need to lay down the law.

 

Why is this reminding me of Monster-in- Law? Did you see that movie? Maybe you can pick up some tips from it.

[gig]

actually im going to rent that movie*^*^* Thanks so much!

[gig]

Well actually im Spanih, but Im having such a hard time im so sad*^*

[gig]

Well before we got married I knew she was going to come live with us but I never thought that things would start getting this difficult?

[blind_otter]

have you discussed this with your husband?

[bluechocolate]

Yes, what does hubby say?

 

In my opinion newlyweds shouldn't be living with either parent(s), especially meddling ones! If she HAS to live with you then I think you're going to have to start standing up to her & it'll have to be with your husbands support.

[most]

Wow you have been married only 3 months? Well this is what I say...it may be harsh but this is what I have exp in!! You need to get out now while its still early & you have no kids. Look my ex was an only child & raised to believe that he alone makes the world go round....because she (ex mil) raised him that way. Nothing I do is good enough, my cooking, my cleaning...and now with 2 kids...my parenting skills. If you stay & have kids with him, omg she will do everything to counter act your parental guidence. I just finally had to walk. The only other choice you have is to get him to stand up and tell her to STOP treating his wife in such a way. My ex could never stand up to his mom....he's a wuss. I sunk into a deep depression over these 2 in my life, and I finally walked out. Let me tell you a 600 lbs elephant just got off my back!!!!!!!! Its wonderful.....good luck to you.

 

Mo.

[RecordProducer]

The fact is: you will NEVER be happy until one of you is out of the picture. If you can't get her out, it will have to be you sooner or later. Unless you're willing to live in hell.

 

Your husband won't do much here no matter how much he is willing to. The old lady is a control freak and is trying to fulfill her prophecy - that you will last no longer than a year.

 

Your hands are tied - she is his mother. She is a simple, low class woman so she will never be open-minded enough to see things from your perspective.

 

My advice: don't get pregnant until she is out of your house, marriage, and life. Once you make sure you've pulled her out of your ass, you can make long-term plans with your husband. If she stays with him, your marriage is doomed and you will run for the hills... in no longer than a year from now!

[MsArtful]

Send her to a retirement village far far away..

[JadeStar]

I remember those days where my mother in law tried to interveen. My husband and I have been married 12 years now, and back befoe we ever got married she would purposly try to start crap between us. This went on for awhile and it did cause problems between me and my husband. I remember I would jump him and say, "Why don't YOU tell her off? Why don't YOU tell her to mind her own business etc." To no avail he did nothing. I think he didn't want to cause a riff between him and his mother, so he let her cause one between her and myself and between me and my husband.

 

After this went on for awhile, I got sick of it. She was very unhappy when we got married. However, this was a woman who was unhappy and miserable with the choices she made in life period. She felt if she wasn't happy, she didn't want anyone else to be happy either. After our first child was born, she still wanted to make snide comments etc. I got sick of it and I let her have it. Of course she didn't live with us either, which in your case might make it a little more difficult. I decided to put my foot down on things and stand up to her. I think it should have been my husband that did that, but because he chose not to, it was easier for me to, because I was like an outsider, not blood related, so it may have been easier for me to speak my mind.

 

I told her she WAS NOT going to make my life miserable becasue of the choices SHE made. She continued to stay married to a man whom treated her poorly, and that was not my fault, and she wasn't going to make my life a liiving hell. I told her whether she relized it or not, it wasn't just me she was hurting, it was her son as well. He didn't know what to do/say/or feel on the matter. And that if she loved him and cared for him as much as she claimed, then she would back off and let us live our lives. After I stood up to er, which was years ago now, she has not once bothered us since. She stopped making snide comments, she stopped, trying to cause problems period. She even told me she was sorry and that it wasn't me she didn't like, it was the fact that no matter who her son had married she probably wouldn't like any woman he was involved with. He was her only son and the baby of the family. I was the first person, to stand up to her. None of her other kids, grandkids sisters, brothers etc stood up to her. They were afraid, and I wasn't. Like I said maybe it was because I wasn't blood related not sure. I knew when I stood up to her, I might run a risk of pissing others off, by doing so. Life is a risk anyway, so I figured I would take that risk because enough was enough. I'm not saying in your case that if you stand up to her things will get better, but you never know. Sometimes people have to take it upon themselves to get something done.

 

 

Jade

[RecordProducer]

I knew when I stood up to her, I might run a risk of pissing others off, by doing so. Life is a risk anyway, so I figured I would take that risk because enough was enough.

Very interesting comment! (just like the whole post)

 

When I told my dad that my SIL hates me and BIL ignores me, he said "Well you just came there on their territory and already act superior..., it bothers them." I didn't know why he said "superior" because I am very kind and sweet to hubby's family and not pretentious at all, but I didn't pay much attention to that comment.

 

Later, my husband was in between two fires - me and his family. They would do sh*t to me, I would complain to him, he would give them sh*t about it... this happened a few times as a cycle. He never told ME to change my behavior so I figure if I did anything wrong, he would've criticized me (he's not a wimp and would definitely put me in place if I did something wrong). The only thing that bothered him was that I had confided in the SIL at the beginning (again - implies that I should've stayed away from her, in his opinion, although he pretends that everything is just fine and nobody means harm). The truth is he is ashamed of the way some of in-laws treat me and wants to bury his head in the sand about it.

 

he told me NOT to act like them (when I said I'd treat them the way THEY treat me). he told me to stay polite and nice and make them feel like I'm better than them.

 

Back to the first comment, his father and step-mother tried to persuade me to be friends with SIL after she has gossiped about me everywhere. I told them that I don't have to be friends with her and refuse to given the situation. His father tells me: "What do you think, you're superior?"

 

Ha! What's the deal with this? Here's the deal: when you don't let people walk all over you, you assign importance to yourself. You show courage, self-respect, and self-confidence. You show that you're totally aware of the fact that you're better than them and despise them.

 

People hate this. They respect it instinctively, but the part they don't like is that you see through them. My SIL thought she could be my sweet friend and gossip about me everywhere at the same time. Once I discovered this (and I might have never discovered it, but her 7-year old son told me! ), she was revealed and her hypocrisy and jealousy were out in the sun. She started making mistakes and then blamed me for them (as in I am no good and I deserve to be gossiped about and rejected by the whole family). The thing is she feels threatened by my existence for whatever reasons.

 

The comment about me being superior basically meant: "Hey, you should be able to put up with some sh&t for the sake of the family peace."

 

Thing is, the peace was already ruined and you can't create peace where bombs are being thrown at you. I don't see why I would humiliate myself and kiss someone's ass if they ignore me and gossip around about me. I expressed what I felt about them and hubby was my transmitter. So they know I know they were mean, they know I despise them, they know I don't care about resolving issues with them cuz who the hell are they to me... If they care about their family member (husband) then THEY should be sweet to me. I don't care about being good to them and hubby is on my side cuz I've done nothing wrong.

 

This killed them. Ina situation where in-laws create hell you need to have your husband on your side definitely. Everything else is a matter of inspiration and impulse, but without him on your side - you're a rug to step on!

[Guest]

hey, I am just the person you were about 20 years ago!!!!!!! first let me ask you have you spoken to your husband about what is going on? I will tell you it will only get worse unless you move and leave her behind!!! I was married to my h's mom for years then I was married to him. the problem though lied with him cause he knew this and he was not loved growing up due to the fact his mother had been in 14 yes 14 marrages. not counting all the boyfriends and my h never came first he was always last. however, we started dating young!! I was 15 and he was 19 and he had already been married and divorced first one lasted 6 mths well we are still together but only cause of my belifes in GOD. he treats me like I am crap. to him I am fatugly etc but this is only because he has such low selfestem. I was a senior in high school when it all started. before this she pretended to just love me when she was a devil in disguise. no one, I mean no one was going to help her move from her apt that she had with hubby number12. they bascally was tired of her and so at this point still finding things out in the h's life I still loved her and thought she was the best. so I skipped school to help her move cause no one else wonted to and when I got there the first words out of her mouth was I was a lost puppy just waiting to be petted,I was going to make her sons life a total loss, that I was worthless etc. of course I was like what in the he** my jaw was on the floor and all I could say was you know I do not have to take this from you and left. of course I left balling and just dumb founded and from then on it was pure hell untill about ten years later when she was and had done so much I mean it got as bad as where she was in my face and shaming me in front of family I have not seen in several years and I am a person that is and very definseive and my mom would say to me be the better person and walk away well there came a day when I was at my house now yes my house she came in without permission slamming the froont glass door open and I had company and she proceeds to put her finger in my face and tell me how she wanted to talk to me outside and this was all of=ver a fight me and my husband got into about how he wanted a new truck and we could not get it cause it was too much and of course he did cause mom helped him and so it was a fight between him and I and of course hse butted in again and treated me like a child and tried to shame me in front of my family once again and do this in my home well I crossed the line and smacked her....... she wore a black eye for a week or so but you know how bad that is was I was sent flowers from my family saying at a girl. I do not feel better for hitting her but on that day ten long years of humilation and butting in and all the things she had caused was there and at a head and I am not proud of what I did but just to tell you she is not an issue anymore in fact she has done gone slap crazy and lives in another state(nolie) you need to tell your husband this is going on and you need to stand up for what you belive in and that is your house and you will be fixing dinner and you will do the washing and you will do the honey do's cause its is your husband and you are the wife. and if and when you need some help you will ask her for it. you need to be firm and very strong cause if not she looks at you as a child and that you are not capable of being his wife. rember boys are usualy momma's boys and you really got it cause he was the only child so in her eyes no one is ever going to be good enough for her son. you will see that when you have children. not that her behavior is ok but that its her son and she loves him and really only wants to best for him with the exception in my h's cause she was lonley and misaberable and where missery is it sure wants company. I even had the neborhs tell me that she said to them that she was going to break our marrage up even if it kills her. so my advise to you.......ITS NEVER GING TO GET BETTER TILL YOU NIP IT IN THE BUD NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! that does not mean to hit her nor start a fight but you need to step up tell her what,when,where and why and how it is going to be or she could move. be nice but firm and you need to first talk to your husband and tell him how you feel and if he loves you he will back you up in the desision to talk to her. he does not back you GET OUT NOW!!!!!! it will never end!!!! if you need to talk to me I will check back on board I look at it often and if I see you needing to talk send me your email and I will email you. I been through it and done that. she will watch your every move and if there is a chance for her to make a huge deal out of nothing she will. be aware that she is and does watch your every move. your husband will be told who you talk to where and what time you scratched you butt.... it always leads out in the same out come when mom is jelous of the relationship you and him have cause she is not his main focus anymore and now she feels like she is the second one when really she isn't just has to to love him now. hope I helped....