PoshPrincess Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 Where do I start? Last August whilst in the process of a nasty break up (instigated by me) with my partner of 7 years and father of my child I became very friendly with a married man. It started out as meeting for 10 minutes before/after work in the car for a kiss and cuddle and we only started going out properly after about a month or maybe more although we phoned/texted everyday. All the time it was like this I think it almost made him feel like he wasn't technically cheating as we never went out. I think it was after about a month that MM first used the 'L' word. I never would have done so had he not said it as I just assumed it was a casual fling, even though we weren't sleeping together. We always talked about getting married and even having kids together (he has two teenagers) but I never really took any of this seriously until after four months when his wife found out about us. I received a call from her but denied everything as I didn't know whether she'd spoken to him or what he had told her. After this I assumed that we would eventually be together as this was what MM had always said he wanted. He told me he was unhappy, that they had nothing in common, she was boring, miserable, etc. all the things he said I wasn't. Of course I wasn't - he didn't have the day to day domestic drudgery with me did he? I'm not stupid, I felt the same before I split with my partner. Anyway, this all came out at Christmas and his kids even got dragged into it by his wife which was the worse thing imaginable. He told his wife he was unhappy and wanted to leave but things had to be 'sorted'. I assume he meant telling the kids, the financial side, that sort of thing. MM had a lot of problems with his daughter once she found out about me which was another 'reason' (excuse?) why he was unable to leave. Then his Mum was seriously ill and he didn't want to put more strain on her. In February he confided in his sister about me and she was very supportive but, at the end of the day, any decision was down to him. We slept together once in March and this has never happened again since as he always felt too guilty. To be honest, things fizzled out pretty much after that and we have both tried to end it countless times. In fact, it is virtually over at the moment which I am finding very hard to accept. Mutual friends tell me he still loves me (that's an assumption more than anything) and because I know he is so unhappy at home I feel like I can't give up. He can't seem to let go either and it's not as if he's been using me for sex. We have arranged to meet for the first time in months 'as friends' but I know that that's not going to be enough. The reason for him not leaving is still his daughter but of course, now I'm thinking it's just an 'excuse'. He has always told me that he knows we are going to be together and that it scares him to think of life without me but I suppose maybe he just wants to have his cake and eat it? Thing is, I waited 34 years to feel like this about someone. I never thought I would find it and I know he is 'the one'. Unfortunately, he is also someone elses.
Fluffyllama Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 Sure, you've never felt that way about someone . But guess what? He's STILL with someone else. Regardless of how long you've been "waiting", regardless of hwo great he appears to be, he isn't with YOU, he's still with his wife and their kids. Think about it, would a guy who felt the same way about you even DREAM of putting you second? Somehow, I don't think so. I think the actions speak volumes, in this case.
Author PoshPrincess Posted August 8, 2006 Author Posted August 8, 2006 Sure I know you're right but I suppose the only person who really knows the score is MM. Thing is, he has had MAJOR probs with his daughter which as I said, is why he 'can't' leave at the moment. I think he's scared she's going to kill herself or something. One minute I'm thinking he's just been fobbing me off all along but then I remember all the times he has cried when I've tried to break it off with him. I remember waking up with his arms around me and him saying, "You won't ever leave me, will you?" I had my cut off point of 6 months (y'know, if they've not left after 6 months they're not going to) but I keep moving the goal posts because I guess, at the end of the day, I want to believe that we will be together which, unfortunately, is getting more and more unlikely. I know financially it wouldn't be easy for him as he'd still have to pay her mortgage and wouldn't be able to afford to rent/buy anywhere else. Moving back home with your parents in your 40s probably isn't an ideal option but would be his only one at the moment. He left once before for 3 days but the daughter was so heartbroken he went home again. I think she's winding him round her little finger and knows exactly what to do to get her own way and I'm sure I would've been the same at her age. I suggested ages ago that he sits down with his wife and talks about things and that they need to work together to help the kids understand that it isn't the end of the world and they're still there for them even though they won't be together but they don't seem to talk. He just waits till they have a big row, then the ****e hits the fan and this way they're not helping anyone! It must be worse for the kids if he's walking out after a big row and worse for him because then he's on one big guilt trip for upsetting everyone. When his Mum was taken ill I was the one he wanted to be with, not her, and SHE was pretty unsympathetic by all accounts although I suppose he would say that to me, wouldn't he? I was so happy when I knew that he had confided in his sister but then it seemed like it was more to him than just a fling. She'd been in my position herself many years ago but she ended up with her man, after waiting a good few years. He told her he loved me and that he didn't want to make his marriage work anymore as I was the one he wanted.
Mascara Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 PP, listen to this and take it in the spirit in which it is meant - namely to make you move on. Because while you still believe he loves you deeply but "just can't" leave, you will not EVER move on. I live now with my MM and have done so for 3 years. His situation was ten times more complicated than yours is and he still left. It took blood sweat and tears but he did it because he believed we were worth it. It CAN be done no matter how difficult or complicated, and I assure you that I doubt anyone here had a more complex and difficult situation than my MM's. If he cannot live without you he will leave. And if he doesn't leave you tell him "that's fine, but I have choices too". And he IS making a choice. He does not HAVE to do this. When you accept that, you will get mad enough to get over him. While you still accept his reasons you will always accept his behaviour. Do not accept it. Tell him that it is fine he wants to stay with his daughter (how old is she anyway?), but his choices are two - stay in his marriage without you, or leave with you.
Author PoshPrincess Posted August 9, 2006 Author Posted August 9, 2006 Thanks M. I do know you're right but it is SO hard. I guess I'm just scared of being without him. Daughter is 15, so plenty old enough but then again at a difficult age. She has had illness problems, both mental and physical but sometimes I think that they're in her head. At 15 your old enough to know your own mind and I wonder if she uses these things as a way of controlling him and the situation. I'm am mother myself so I'm sure I would feel the same but for me there would come a point where I would have to put my foot down. Friends have said that we're the stronger sex when it comes to this sort of thing and men would rather carry on being miserable than rock the boat. Also MM virtually went from living with parents to living with wife so has never really had to look after himself. Funnily enough, my parents had more or less the same relationship as MM has with his wife. My Dad stayed till we were grown up but was always unhappy because my Mum never wanted to go out or do anything and made his life difficult as possible. Thing is, my Dad dealt with it by going out all the time whereas MM does the opposite. He stays in because he thinks that while he's out she's trying to poison the kids minds against him in a kind of, "Wonder what Dad's up to now" way. When she found out about us by reading texts that I sent him she showed them to the daughter, obviously to hurt him, but I thought this was pretty bad, especially as some were a little explicit. What sort of woman would do this to her kids? A hurt one I guess but I can't understand it and I think this is why the daughter is in so much of a state. You can see why he's worried but yeah, you're so right, if he loved me enough he would be with me no matter what. Can you say what the problems were with your MM?
Mascara Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 At the time of his leaving, this was the situation. Funnily, over the last 3 years, my involvement has erased most of the problems the kids had. edited to remove info
Author PoshPrincess Posted August 9, 2006 Author Posted August 9, 2006 So what happened? How long did you wait for him? Did his wife find out about you while you were seeing each other?
Mascara Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 Waited about a year, but we weren't actually having an affair during that time, I just made it clear that if anything was going to happen, and if things were as bad as he said, then he would leave, and he did. During that year, he told his kids and wife that he had met someone he wanted to pursue something with, but do it the right way. The kids were fully supportive (the W was THAT bad) and met me. W ranted for about a day and that was it. She wasn't at all bothered after that. The problems over the last 3 years have all been to do with her money-grabbing hysterics and not being able to deal with the kids. So he packed up 20 years, as I say took the best part of a year to leave fully, mainly because he was working 12 hours a day at that time, 7 days a week. The middle kid now lives with us and the others visit regularly. The ex and I exchange Christmas gifts and she has no real problem with me..... because he wasn't lying about the marriage being dead.
Author PoshPrincess Posted August 10, 2006 Author Posted August 10, 2006 I'm so glad for you that you had a happy ending (after a lot of blood, sweat and tears!) It gives me some hope although I really try not to build my hopes up about anything anymore. MM called me last night and it's the first time we've had a proper chat after a month of NC. We kept our conversation on a friendly basis which made such a difference to me. If we talk about 'us' then I end up feeling really down (as much as I want to ask if he still loves me) but instead I kept it cool and just let him know I'm there for him but not as his OW. He told me he missed me but that was as serious as it got. Things have improved a lot for him as far as his kids are concerned but with W things are still the same (or so he says). Apparently things are 'amicable'. Felt like asking him if he was prepared to be miserable for the rest of his life! He told me when we were together that he had been reasonably happy in his life but always felt that 'something' was missing and that when he met me he realised I was it. Yesterday he reiterated that that 'something' was still missing, he didn't feel he could get it back and didn't have the inclination to. I was so tempted to tell him that that 'something' only usually comes round once in a lifetime (it certanly has for me). I feel a lot calmer today after speaking to him. We have discussed meeting up for that 'friendly' drink although my friends are pretty convinced he will let me down at least once which they feel angry about. I have said that as MM and me are 'mates' that isn't such a big deal. I've just got to make sure that I keep it friendly and that it doesn't go any further as I know it will make me feel like **** if it does and that nothing's going to change. I am almost 100% sure now that he won't leave (and there's no way I'm going to ask him) but there's always that tiny bit of hope to hang onto and I feel that being his 'friend' is better than nothing. At least that way if he does leave he will know where I am, if I'm available, etc. God, what does that say about me? Makes me sound a bit pathetic I guess.
Mascara Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 I'm relieved that you say you don't think he will leave. Truthfully, if he is using phrases like "me and the W are amicable" and "reasonably happy but something is missing", then my gut feeling is that he is going nowhere. I strongly believe that things at home have to be truly awful, or his feelings for OW incredibly strong, to make a man leave. Most are happy to muddle along if things are just a bit stale. The A gives him the excitement he is missing, and that (coupled with things being more or less ok at home) means that he is unlikely to upset the situation. Good luck, I hope you can deal with the 'friendship only' thing, although I believe for everyone's sake, you should even think twice about that.
Author PoshPrincess Posted August 10, 2006 Author Posted August 10, 2006 Thanks M. I totally know what you're saying although the "reasonably happy" bit was before he met me. When he says "amicable" he means that they're not shouting and screaming at each other. My ex and I were like that. We never had the slanging matches which was why he found it so hard to take when I ended it. He couldn't understand that there was anything wrong as we weren't rowing. I just didn't want it to get to that stage but knew it would if we carried on the way things were. Now that things are better with MM and the kids though, although he always said once they improved he would leave, I think it's more likely to have the opposite effect in that he won't want to rock the boat and upset them again by walking out. As for the 'just friends' thing, we shall see. Thanks so much for your advice. Will keep you posted.
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