Anddowhat Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 I will try to explain as best I can. My husband and I have been together for 14 yrs and married for 13 this October. After 6 yrs of marriage, he confessed he had cheated with another girl. Just oral he said at the time. Didn't find out until about 3 yrs later that it was the full thing. We just bought our first house a yr ago and 6 mths ago or so, he told me about what I know as #2. She was about 1 1/2 yrs ago. He was talking with a girl about 6 mths ago from work and he went to the bar with her and some others (so he says) and didn't come home uintil 12:30 the next afternoon. Said nothing happened but being new to the state, he didn't know his way around and had no phone to use.....And with a newer phone number, didn't know ours. So now, she is gone and he has been talking with another girl from work for the last couple of months. They talk on the phone almost every night while I am at work. Last Sun, he was with her at her Dad's house. Supposedly talking about making her Dad a nice meal (he is a chef). Of course, after all the lies he has previously told me, I can not trust or believe him. Well, the night before that, he told our neighbor that he had sex with this girl and it was the best he ever had. When asked, of course he denies everything. All week, we have been fighting every day non stop. And one of the kickers is this.....we work at the same place and everybody knows they are 'seeing' each other outside of work. Makes me look like a damn fool for stayng. They all tell me to leave but unfortunately, I love my husband and was always raised to stay and try to work things out before you know it is really over. I even kicked him out last Tues after a fight and the next day, he came back with a new pr of pants that he said was to go to work in. The receipt said it was paid for with a Visa (he doesn't carry a Visa card). When asked who he was with, he stated, "It doesn't matter." I am sorry, but it matters to me. I want to try counseling but unknown if that would work. He wants kids, and I am unable for whatever reason to have any. I have been checked and am fine. He refuses to get checked. He says there is nothing wrong with him either. He also says the reason why he cheats is because if he gets a girl pregnant, he will get custody of the baby and we can raise it. Like I would accept the baby. Although he thinks I should. Now, anybody knows that this scenario with the baby thng would never fly with the Mother. I am writing to see if anybody has any advice for me. I don't want my marriage to be over but unfortunately, I think it already is..... Thanks for reading
jmargel Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 It's kinda a blessing that you can't have children with this guy. He's a serial cheater and has been during the whole marriage. Unfortunetly you know as well as we do that there's probably many more women that you don't know about. What are you getting out of this marriage? Really nothing but grief & heartache. If you think any of this is going to change especially after he's been doing this for years then you will be wasting all the good years you could had with someone who deserves you. You can't change him and unless he's really willing to get into the long haul of deep counseling then it will only continue. You need to get yourself checked for STDs. He has major maturity problems and it seems like you have become more like a mother to him than a wife. I believe the only way he would even think about changing & seeing a counselor would be for you to give him tough love. Tell him he needs to move out by the end of the week, that you are done and it's over. He has not faced any consequences for his actions and as long as you tolerate his behavior that is a sign for him to keep treating you the way he is.
JadeStar Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 IMO, he will continue to see other girls as long as you allow it. I'm not saying you are the reason he is doing it, I'm saying as long as you allow him to continue with this behavior, he will see it as acceptable and wont stop. He knows, you know what he is doing, but becasue you love him, you choose to stand on the sidelines and watch it happen. He feels the only thing you will do, is either fuss about it, question him, maybe kick him out just for him to come back the next day. Even if you wanted kids, I wouldn't suggest having them now. You all need to get into some marriage counseling ASAP, if you all want to work on saving the marriage. He tells you he cheats so if he gets another girl pregnant you all can raise it? Is he delusional? You do know that BS and a justification on his part right? Does he really think if he got another girl preganat he could have the baby? Its more complicated than that. He doesn't need a baby he can't even be a responsible husband and keep it in his pants. You also need to go to the doctor to get checked for STD's. Do you want to work on saving your marriage? If so talk with him about seeing a marriage counselor. If he doesn't want to go, you go for yourself, someone who might can guide you in the right direction as what to do. Personally, IMO I think you need to get out of the situation. Its very unhealthy, and right now I can't see him changing, or even wanting to go get help. JMO. Jade
Guest Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 I really feel for you. I cant believe he is treating you with so little respect. This situation is not going to improve. The man needs counselling - you dont. You know what a healthy, loving relationship should be. He seems incapable of being involved in one. He sleeps with other woman because he enjoys it, and his ego is being fed by these silly, amoral women. I also believe that once you end this marriage, eventually you will be the one to thrive, while he will continue to be involved in casual, meaningless one night stands and flings, possibly at the same time as another relationship with a woman who will suffer mentally until she leaves. Men like him should come with a health warning! Best ishes for you future. I hope it wont include the sorry excuse for a man you were unfortunate enough to have married.
Author Anddowhat Posted August 8, 2006 Author Posted August 8, 2006 JM you say to kick him out. I tried that last week and all I got was the derrogatory comments that this is his house, I would have nothng without him, blah blah blah! I don't think I mentioned in my first post, he is an alcoholic, been diagnosed with Panic Disorder and I think he is schizophrenic but, of course, he doesn't tell his Doc everything so they can't give him proper diagnosis. So while he was drunk the other night and I threw him out, he politely told me that the cops would be called and I would either go to jail or to the morgue. I know, I heard gasps in the air. I can't say that I am used to it, but it is common for him to talk out of his ass especially when he is drunk. 14 yrs together and I know this to be true. Although it sounds like a great plan, it wouldn't work.
Author Anddowhat Posted August 8, 2006 Author Posted August 8, 2006 Hi Jade. Thanks for the advice. I have been checked for STD's.......None. Friends of ours have asked him if he protects himself when he does this. He said yes he does. So I know it the baby thing is his way of giving some justification for doing what he is doing. He couldn't raise an ant farm let alone a baby. A couple months ago, I mentioned to him that I wanted to see a counselor because I felt we were drifiting apart and had terrible communication skills. He of course, got defensive and couldn't figure out why I would ask such an absurd question but in turn, agreed to go. They offer free counseling through our work and I am calling it today to see what they say. Will let you know
a4a Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 Talk to an attorney ASAP. Then get yourself into therapy. This guy has twisted your mind to the point where you would consider his excuses to screw other women is to benefit you with a child?...... Divorce should be your main goal now and taking what you deserve from the joint assets.
burning 4 revenge Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 He says there is nothing wrong with him either. He also says the reason why he cheats is because if he gets a girl pregnant, he will get custody of the baby and we can raise it. Like I would accept the baby. Although he thinks I should:lmao: That takes some b*lls!!!! :lmao: That's friggin beautiful!
Author Anddowhat Posted August 9, 2006 Author Posted August 9, 2006 This guy has twisted your mind to the point where you would consider his excuses to screw other women is to benefit you with a child?...... quote] Oh trust me.....I hardly think I am considering his excuses for screwing other women......
Author Anddowhat Posted August 9, 2006 Author Posted August 9, 2006 Oh trust me.....I hardly think I am considering his excuses for screwing other women......
stillafool Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 You poor thing! There are too many wives who are married to serial cheaters and believe they will change. Unfortunately most don't. When you accept this behavior it builds his ego that you love him so much you would stay through anything. He is even being honest about sleeping with other women so therefore he carries no guilt. This behavior of his must be eating you alive. I believe in trying everything to work out a marriage also; but this is total disrespect for you. It seems your husband needs something new and exciting all the time at whoever's expense. If you think he's out a lot now what do you think he's going to do when there are kids around? He could be out more because he knows you are tied up with the kids.
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